Why do my kids see my cheating estranged wife as amazing

[iamthemanny]

My wife left me for a work colleague due to an ongoing affair last July. Lives with the affair partner since last September.

Does anyone else see their kids obsessed with their mother and affair partner and the betrayed spouse losing out and blamed.

It is killing me. I was also the Stay At Home Dad.

Advice really appreciated.

You can be a good parent and not a good spouse, but you absolutely should not be expecting acknowledgment or recognition from your very young children for being a good parent. It is your job to be one.

I say that as the child of a mum who cheated and a dad who then spent years being incredibly bitter and unkind about our mum, while making us feel guilty for wanting to live with her. She was our mother, for goodness sake. We didn't care that she'd cheated, as harsh as that may seem. Now that I'm much older, I can see that my dad tried to create a stable home environment for us, but his anger and resentment towards our mum (and us, for refusing to take sides), meant that we never fully felt relaxed or at home with him, which is something I will always be sad about. Please don't let the same thing happen to your children - keep showing up for them, keep venting to other people about your ex, and eventually you will move on.

I appreciate this is painful and very raw for you, but you cannot expect anything of your children - they are allowed to love and want their own mother.

I may not have been through this, but I’ve been the child.

You’ve got to find a way to take the bitterness you feel toward their mother out of your relationship with them.

I have a close relationship to the parent who (through gritted teeth!) was civil about the other parent.

My other parent was always bitter about their ex. As an adult I could look back and see that their love for me was always overshadowed by that bitterness. We haven’t spoken in ten years.

And you are a shrink 😆😆

You're getting quite a bit of unnecessary flack here, simply for being honest, imho.

You're undoubtedly hurting. And this week more so perhaps because they're away for the week with her.

Try and keep busy. VERY busy.
When my DC were with their Dad, I grieved in more ways than one and I too felt jealousy, resentment, bitter - on top of missing them and hoping they weren't forgetting about me and preferring his company (while, in my rational mind, I of course wanted them to feel free of the burden and enjoy themselves and be children). It's so hard.

So, I busied myself by re-decorating their rooms - a lick of paint, then popping to the shops for new bedding, new cushions, new lamp - nothing too pricey but basically, making their bedrooms lovely for when they returned.

And as much as it sometimes killed me, i NEVER showed my resentment and my jealousy and I always showed delight at what they told me. Eventually, they told me a lot more and they came to realise that their Dad was a user who took more interest in his step-children.

Be the strong one. Be the one who welcomes them home. Be honest and tell them that you miss them but that you're excited to see them when they are home.

Make sure you have something planned for when they get back - their favourite meal, a film and popcorn night or a meal out. Anything that centres THEM.

Take time to meet your mates - go and do what YOU like to do - try and distract yourself.

In time, they will see and understand who stayed. They will know who did what and you won't have to be the one to tell them. Even if Mum is wonderful with them, your children will eventually know who their rock was.

Look after yourself. It does get better.

I am so sorry to hear you (and your children) have been through this experience. I can only imagine the hurt and abandonment you must all be experiencing.

I can almost guarantee that were you a female/Mother posting about a man/Father doing what your wife has done, you would have far more empathic, considerate responses.

I'm sorry that I don't have anything helpful to add, but I wish you and your children all the best.

I want to do that but require funds to do that.

You really don’t need to be a shrink to pick up on this.

Are you taking any of this in op? Or did you just come on here hoping everyone would agree that your dcs are ungrateful, disloyal brats who should hate their mother and never speak to her again?

Thank you, I want to do that but house is being sold so in limbo until a financial agreement in place.

If you want your children to enjoy being with you, the best thing you can do is be happy. I know this is easier said than done...but kids pick up on misery. Instead of framing your time with them as being harder because you have weekdays, view it the other way. She doesn't get a free weekend...you do. Go out, try to enjoy yourself...work on rebuilding your life.

I'd not allow her every weekend. It's not fair that you get all the school days and she gets the fun weekends. And that's not 50/50 either so she should be paying child support, if she isn't.
I do think it's worth going to court over this.

Has your solicitor said the house has to be sold?
I'm not legal so might be talking out of my arse but this seems wrong to me (since you house the dc the majority of the time) and I would have thought that selling the house happens after a financial agreement is reached.
I also wouldn't allow the divorce to be finalised until the financial settlement is sorted.

Aha!

Yes, the misogyny is strong in this one!!

Daytime tv? I would guess that with school age children and no job that’s probably something you’re more likely to partake in?

Yes I was thinking the same thing. Obviously feel sad for the OP as he sounds very hurt and it must be difficult to have your world turned upside down, but who knows what the marriage was like, or why he was still SAHD to an 11 and 13 year old.

There was a thread on here a few weeks ago where the OP was sole earner and her DH was a SAHD who refused to get a job even though the children were secondary age and didn't need a SAHP. He didn't even do all of the chores or any cooking even though he had the whole day free. She was miserable as sin, didn't want to carry him anymore and had lost all respect and attraction for him and the almost unanimous response was that she should leave him. Obviously it's not right to have an affair but role reversal doesn't work for everyone.

It sounds like the OP's XW is much happier in herself and this is being picked up on by the kids.

sensible ladies

What, the women who agree with everything you say?

Your mask is slipping further…

Someone can be a terrible wife and an amazing mother. The children only see the mother bit. Just try to be an amazing dad too.

Practically you need to work on your expectations of your children.
They are children...they are generally quite self centered..it's not "usual" for children to have insight and self awareness to recognize the sacrifices their parents make for them.
People shouldn't have children expecting the child to validate them or their feelings.
Your children are not going to turn around and agree with you that your ex wife and her partner are evil incarnate and you are this amazing rock.
Because they are children...they are not mature enough nor should they be expected to have that opinion.
It's not fair ..but they are just little children...

You are being unnecessarily aggressive to people pointing out that you are expecting way too much of your children - that might not be the advice you want, but it is advice ie "stop taking out your hurt on your children".

That's what this site is about - people give advice but also opinions. And sometimes they do it in a way that is soft and gentle and sometimes less so.

If you have 50/50 care how come she has weekends only and you have week days only? That doesn't track. Are you working? it may be that if you want to retrain you have to take something else in the meantime to pay for that. it also gets you out of the house and busy and not quite so focused on what's happening at home, especially as the DC are probably relatively independent. I would definitely aim to expand your life to more than just the DC at this point - being a SAHD is one thing, but being a SAHD with only 50/50 childcare responsibilities is a recipe for boredom and frustration.

I disagree that OP is getting materially different responses than he would as a woman. Because it’s a lot less common that a man leaves for the OW and then has 50:50.

If that was to happen, I think the woman posting would get similar “yes, it’s shit, but try to vent to friends not the kids” replies.

I also disagree with anyone posting about hypocrisy. Hypocrisy is when one individual treats similar situations differently. MN has tens of thousands of posters and none are responsible for the posts of others.

Unless you are specifically saying “poster x, didn’t you say the exact opposite last week”

OP, you may have unrealistic expectations of spousal maintenance - if you are able to work, this will be expected. You are likely to get a greater proportion of the assets, though.

Getting aggressive is not going to end well here. If someone posts something you don't like, it is best to simply ignore it.

Agree.

and love your user name!

They will mature and as adults/parents realise that you were the one there all the time. Myself and my partner have divorced parents and in my case particularly the guilty party will never ever be forgiven but I still love him.

And in my case as a parent my ex had to be removed by court from our lives (DV etc very very extreme) and I was a lone parent from very early on but my child still blamed me entirely and thought the other parent they never ever saw and was a danger was ok as they are not the one making them pack their toys away, do their homework, go to bed, etc etc etc. As I was just boring mum.

But for now they will love going to see mum as their lives are up in the air plus it’s something new. My only tip never ever say anything negative about your ex in front of them or you will alienate your children over time. For example it’s not a s*show it’s a new chapter, don’t comment however low you feel.

And btw I’m sorry cheating is awful.

Look OP I have not been cheated on but my ex is an abuser. Know it’s different situations but both involve picking yourself up after being hurt by someone else. It felt like he got to be an asshole and there was no repercussions for him. Even in custody dispute no matter how low he sinks he is not held accountable. Sometimes I get pissed off that when he behaves like a spoilt, entitled manchild I have to rise above it. On top of being abusive he is shit parent. Yet again it’s me that must pick up the pieces. It’s my job to protect DC and guide DC to be a great adult.
Anger/bitterness will not only harm me but also will harm my DC so there is simply no place in my life for holding on to it. My determination to live my life and be happy is what keeps me going. Karma will take care of the rest.

Hmm. If you have an affair, you know it can blow your children’s lives up. That’s not being a good parent.

A good parent who isn’t happy in their relationship should end it, and get their children as settled as possible before moving on with someone else. A good parent wouldn’t be introducing the affair partner or any partner to their children so quickly.