Page 7 | Why do my kids see my cheating estranged wife as amazing

iamthemanny · 2024-04-04T13:53:21+00:00

My wife left me for a work colleague due to an ongoing affair last July. Lives with the affair partner since last September. Does anyone else see their kids obsessed with their mother and affair partner and the betrayed spouse losing out and blamed. It is killing me. I was also the Stay At Home Dad. Advice really appreciated.

MzHz · 05/04/2024 12:23

Eloraa · 04/04/2024 15:06

She’s their mother. She will always be centrally important to them.

And she cheated on you, not on them.

Said nobody to a cheated on wife. Ever.

Mischance · 05/04/2024 12:23

One of the important things to remember about parenting is that it is a one-way traffic most of the time. They will not feel the need to feedback good things to you at this age - they are preoccupied with trying to make themselves feel safe while the sands are shifting under them. One day, when they are older, they will understand better what you went through and appreciate what you have done for them - but not yet I am afraid. This is entirely normal.

You are understandably feeling deeply aggrieved and needing affirmation for yourself - it will not come from the children at this stage.

Just stick with them, tell them you love them and expect nothing back.

TheShellBeach · 05/04/2024 12:24

..........so if anyone has any practical ideas that is wonderful

Okay. Don't expect your children to be grateful because you're behaving like a father should.

Don't expect your children to feel the hatred you feel for your ex. She's their mother.

Try not to make misogynistic comments on a mainly female forum.

Don't call us "ladies".

And BTW you can use the word "shit" on here. You don't need to use an emoji.

Original poster

iamthemanny · 05/04/2024 12:25

Gymmum82 · 05/04/2024 12:20

My husbands mum cheated on his dad and left him. Now none of their 5 children speak to their dad. He was so bitter and angry at their mum for the situation (understandably to a degree) he slated her to the children at every opportunity. He also was angry with the children for not taking his side. For not being angry with their mum. For not stopping seeing their mum. It completely destroyed their relationship and even now they are adults they don’t see him.
Don’t be like him, don’t put your children in the middle. You’re angry and hurt but be the bigger person and don’t drag your children in to your anger. You will ruin your relationship with them because they will pull away and go to her (probably what she wants) as they grow they may see what really happened and who has been there. They may not, but all that matters in the grand scheme of things is your relationship with your children. Don’t sour it by being bitter

Thank you, believe it or not this what I want to avoid, hence asking for help. I do not bad mouth her. It is the affect this is having on them which makes me weep.

the same happened to me as a child. I tried to get my ex to get marital support but she refused.

OP posts:

Original poster

iamthemanny · 05/04/2024 12:26

Mischance · 05/04/2024 12:23

One of the important things to remember about parenting is that it is a one-way traffic most of the time. They will not feel the need to feedback good things to you at this age - they are preoccupied with trying to make themselves feel safe while the sands are shifting under them. One day, when they are older, they will understand better what you went through and appreciate what you have done for them - but not yet I am afraid. This is entirely normal.

You are understandably feeling deeply aggrieved and needing affirmation for yourself - it will not come from the children at this stage.

Just stick with them, tell them you love them and expect nothing back.

Yes I need to do that. Expect nothing and live them as I always have. Thank you.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 05/04/2024 12:28

I tried to get my ex to get marital support but she refused

Do you mean that she refused to go for joint counselling with you, when the marriage was starting to disintegrate?

BatteryPoweredPeacock · 05/04/2024 12:28

If everyone got the love they deserved, the world would be a very different place. They don't and all the wondering why or fighting against it, won't change it.

Focus solely on your relationship with them. Strengthen that. Let their relationship with their mum land where it will.

FridaySpark · 05/04/2024 12:28

iamthemanny · 05/04/2024 12:22

But you are saying they are mysoginistic. Maybe it is how you are interpreting them. They were not sent that way.

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As I said, I posted to support you but you have let yourself down with those comments. Don’t blame my or others interpretation, because that won’t work here.

Original poster

iamthemanny · 05/04/2024 12:28

TheShellBeach · 05/04/2024 12:24

..........so if anyone has any practical ideas that is wonderful

Okay. Don't expect your children to be grateful because you're behaving like a father should.

Don't expect your children to feel the hatred you feel for your ex. She's their mother.

Try not to make misogynistic comments on a mainly female forum.

Don't call us "ladies".

And BTW you can use the word "shit" on here. You don't need to use an emoji.

Is ladies banned. I was always taught ladies is far better than woman or women. But thank you for being the mumsnet police woman

OP posts:

Workhardcryharder · 05/04/2024 12:29

NarwhalsJustDontLetEmTouchYourBalls · 04/04/2024 18:48

And she cheated on you, not on them

Yep, she cheated on you, not them. However whilst doing so, she devastated their father, upset them and probably caused them anxiety and stress, now drags them between 2 homes, and had brought massive amounts of drama into their lives. They now have to spend 50% of their time with a man who stole their mum and sent a wrecking ball into their dad’s life. A man they can’t trust and won’t feel comfortable being around.

I’ll tell you exactly what your DC are doing. They are surviving. They’ve seen their mum dump them, and you, and they’re scared. They don’t want to put a foot wrong and upset her.

when they are older they’ll love her, but dislike her and her sleeze ball

She hasn’t dumped them. She has them 50% of the time. What a toxic view

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/04/2024 12:29

iamthemanny · 04/04/2024 19:12

Some realisation that I have been their rock through this 💩 show

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A couple of things occurred to me when I read this post, @iamthemanny. Firstly, in my experience, children are not particularly good at expressing gratitude for concepts like 'being their rock', but that doesn't mean that what you are doing isn't having a huge, positive impact on their lives.

Secondly, I think it can be difficult for them to see the bigger picture when they are in the midst of all the upheaval that has gone on and is going on - and then you add all the other stuff of childhood (school, friendships etc), and that can make it even harder for them to see it. But as they grow older, I'm sure they will be able to see all that you have done, and are doing for them, and they will appreciate it.

I do also wonder whether their behaviour with you demonstrates that they are feeling secure and confident with you, but less so with their mum.

I know you have asked for advice, but I don't have any experience of this situation myself, so I don't feel qualified to say more than just carry on doing as you are doing. Give your children the space they need to express how they are feeling, whilst trying to see that their behaviour is not a criticism of you or a reflection on how well you are handling all this (I know this can't be an easy thing to do).

Therapy for you and for them is an excellent thing to do, and I hope it will help you all to heal and move forwards.

BlingLoving · 05/04/2024 12:29

It is the affect this is having on them which makes me weep.

What affect? You said they love her and don't have any issues spending time with her?

There do seem to be some inconsistencies in your post. You were a SAHD, but also actually work with children. You have 50/50 but you get them all week and she has them at weekends. You can't afford to retrain but are waiting for a financial settlement (although that could just be a timing issue I guess).

FridaySpark · 05/04/2024 12:30

TheShellBeach · 05/04/2024 12:24

..........so if anyone has any practical ideas that is wonderful

Okay. Don't expect your children to be grateful because you're behaving like a father should.

Don't expect your children to feel the hatred you feel for your ex. She's their mother.

Try not to make misogynistic comments on a mainly female forum.

Don't call us "ladies".

And BTW you can use the word "shit" on here. You don't need to use an emoji.

And this ⬆️

Original poster

iamthemanny · 05/04/2024 12:31

Workhardcryharder · 05/04/2024 12:29

She hasn’t dumped them. She has them 50% of the time. What a toxic view

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However, she has lost 50% of the time with her children

OP posts:

theworldie · 05/04/2024 12:31

I'm afraid the more you post the more I'm slipping back to my default, "it's probably the man's fault".

Quite.

so if anyone has any practical ideas that is wonderful.

You are getting lots of practical advice ie. try to be happy/positive around your children, don’t expect them to be grateful for you being a parent or expect them to hate their mother because you do. You are getting lots of sympathy for your situation but don’t seem to like any posters that go against your narrative of “ex-wife is evil” or suggest you may be handling your expectations of your children in the wrong way.

Original poster

iamthemanny · 05/04/2024 12:33

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/04/2024 12:29

A couple of things occurred to me when I read this post, @iamthemanny. Firstly, in my experience, children are not particularly good at expressing gratitude for concepts like 'being their rock', but that doesn't mean that what you are doing isn't having a huge, positive impact on their lives.

Secondly, I think it can be difficult for them to see the bigger picture when they are in the midst of all the upheaval that has gone on and is going on - and then you add all the other stuff of childhood (school, friendships etc), and that can make it even harder for them to see it. But as they grow older, I'm sure they will be able to see all that you have done, and are doing for them, and they will appreciate it.

I do also wonder whether their behaviour with you demonstrates that they are feeling secure and confident with you, but less so with their mum.

I know you have asked for advice, but I don't have any experience of this situation myself, so I don't feel qualified to say more than just carry on doing as you are doing. Give your children the space they need to express how they are feeling, whilst trying to see that their behaviour is not a criticism of you or a reflection on how well you are handling all this (I know this can't be an easy thing to do).

Therapy for you and for them is an excellent thing to do, and I hope it will help you all to heal and move forwards.

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That is very helpful, thank you for your time.

OP posts:

Original poster

iamthemanny · 05/04/2024 12:34

theworldie · 05/04/2024 12:31

I'm afraid the more you post the more I'm slipping back to my default, "it's probably the man's fault".

Quite.

so if anyone has any practical ideas that is wonderful.

You are getting lots of practical advice ie. try to be happy/positive around your children, don’t expect them to be grateful for you being a parent or expect them to hate their mother because you do. You are getting lots of sympathy for your situation but don’t seem to like any posters that go against your narrative of “ex-wife is evil” or suggest you may be handling your expectations of your children in the wrong way.

You slip back to your default. Probably the best for everyone.

OP posts:

NowThatYoureGone · 05/04/2024 12:34

Kids will only pick sides if the parents are in competition.
Be stable, consistent and calm.
Don't bad mouth their mother or her partner to or in front of them.
Don't involve the kids in the arguments between you as parents.
Let them be kids. Support them with their emotions.
Your children will thank you for all the above.
I would say exactly the same to any parent, regardless of sex.

Workhardcryharder · 05/04/2024 12:37

NarwhalsJustDontLetEmTouchYourBalls · 05/04/2024 07:58

And yet anecdotally of all the people I know whose parents cheated when they were younger and who stayed with the AP, they all have good relationships with not only the parent but also with the new step parent.

But that is not always the case.

I know of 3 mums who left their DC. One is my cousin. Her son now has a very serious hatred towards women, it's worrying. Her DD went on to be a teen mum. I know of another mum who left her DC when young and she now expects them to be there for her, now she is in her 80's and alone, and they are not interested in helping her. Another left her DC a couple of years ago and now the teenage DD has MH issues and an eating disorder.

There is a man I know who left his wife and DC for someone else, and the 2 eldest teens refuse to speak to him.

If either of my parents had an affair and left us, it's not just my parent, it is our family unit, I wouldn't speak to them again.

what If they split up with no affair? The family unit is still broken. Barely fair that people regard a breakup of relationship as “leaving the children” even with split custody

theworldie · 05/04/2024 12:37

you are saying they are mysoginistic. Maybe it is how you are interpreting them.

No, we know what misogyny looks like.

You are the one who doesn’t seem to be aware of what misogyny is.

Robinni · 05/04/2024 12:39

iamthemanny · 05/04/2024 12:20

Thank you so much that is really helpful. Yes to all you said. But watching it is so grim, I really now understand what many ladies have been through if they are in my shoes.

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@iamthemanny

Keep going to therapy. And consider trauma therapy. I suspect a lot of the emotion and way you are projecting, even on this thread, is to do with childhood trauma from when your parents split. You need to work really hard to separate out those emotions and figure out where the feelings and reactions are coming from to resolve past trauma and deal with the present effectively.

If your inner child is in the driving seat that is not going to help you or the children to navigate this period.

Don’t compare yourself to this other man, appreciate that you both have things to offer and will be a part of the children’s upbringing and that is fine. Your ex is happier now and that will also be good for the kids - probably why they are preferring her company, aside from all the new and shiny things.

You need to get you to a better and happier place, you obviously weren’t happy and contented in the marriage and might have an issue with women (from the knee jerk retaliatory comments you’ve made here and lack of emotional regulation). It comes across that your depression and dissatisfaction with life predated the affair and possibly contributed to the relationship failing.

Try to be postive and not bitter and resentful, at least in front of the children. Work on you. Be good to you. You deserve it. Try physical activity of some sort, get out into the world and take up a hobby. Get through the admin relative to the separation/divorce, get the house sold. You will come out on the other side, have your own home and a new beginning just like your ex. The power to change your position really is in your hands.

MzHz · 05/04/2024 12:40

Flapearedknave · 05/04/2024 12:13

We done need to tone police ourselves for a misogynist. Or anyone.

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Oh ffs. We have a gazillion threads on here from women discovering their h have cheated on them/fucked off and left them

ALL of whom are angry, bitter and raging about the unfairness of having their lives blown up and 50/50 parenting because someone couldn’t keep it in their pants.

@iamthemanny is doing the hard yards of the 50/50 thing too, he’s apparently doing the drudge while she gets to swan off with the kids at the weekends

he’s allowed to be bitter, he’s allowed to be fucking angry, he’s allowed to be hurt that the kids don’t hold her to account for ruining his life. Hes allowed to think that all women are awful and he’s done with them.

all of these feelings are exactly how cheated on women feel.

but he gets called a misogynist. Fuck that noise. Walk a mile in his shoes.

He’s not expressing any of that to them apparently, he just needs a safe space to say all this crap that’s in his head.

and it’s fuck all to do with Caroline Fucking Flack. She battered her Boyf with a lamp. Let’s never forget that, she doesn’t ever need to qualify for any level of remembrance, let alone the sainthood people try to bestow her memory with.

pretend @iamthemanny isnt a man if that helps, we never EVER accuse wronged women of being part of the problem or the reason for her H cheating, so why this OP?

FridaySpark · 05/04/2024 12:43