Why do my kids see my cheating estranged wife as amazing

[iamthemanny]

My wife left me for a work colleague due to an ongoing affair last July. Lives with the affair partner since last September.

Does anyone else see their kids obsessed with their mother and affair partner and the betrayed spouse losing out and blamed.

It is killing me. I was also the Stay At Home Dad.

Advice really appreciated.

What @ABirdsEyeView said. It's feels very unfair op I know. In fact it's bloody galling and it's fine to acknowledge it and natural to feel like that that. Vent to a friend. Vent in here (or dadsnet where the responses won't be skewed by the fact that you are a man).And then be,at the very least, neutral when the kids are about.
It gets easier with time. I promise. The old adage that the best revenge is to live your own life well and be happy is very true. Don't make it into a competition. But do allow yourself to move on and be happy. Give yourself time, you'll get there.

It's early days, your hurt, and it's going to be worst when the kids are away.

My kids only see their dad one day a fortnight, and even though I'm desperate for the break, I miss them when they're gone and site watching their location when they're due back so I can be waiting at the door for them.

All you can do is be yourself. A good influence. Change the subject if what's being talked about is upsetting you and you can't keep it together (this will get easier).

I had to even persuade my kids to see him that one day at first, which really stuck in my craw (although he'd disappeared for 6 months, so it was at least a lot less raw by that point).

They do appreciate you, they're just kids, you're a constant, they don't realise that feeling grateful for a constant is even a thing.

OP, is this quite a recent split? It will get better. The kids will get used to it and you will get used to it. Having a partner cheat on you is a huge deal. It's such a massive betrayal and as you can sense from the thread I think the man still gets blamed even when it's the wife who cheated.
The most important thing here is that the kids are ok. You will get there.
Have you got friends or family you can talk to?

When you say you’re being ‘blamed’ - who do you mean is blaming you and what are they blaming you for?

@iamthemanny you mentioned that she’s playing games, what kind of games?

don’t forget her guilt at what she’s done to them will be driving her to be “the best mum ever” to kid herself that the affair didn’t really happen and it’s all rainbows and sunshine in their lives. When they’re conducting their affair the secrecy creates a bubble that is all theirs and it’s an artificial environment. So they want to stay in that rarified atmosphere so sucking the kids into this bubble is critical to their plan.

your kids are little, they will see through this shit in future. They will see you for what you are and what you did for them. Keep being their rock, they’ll see it in the end.

I have a superb solicitor too, ex to be earns 165k, AP the same so they are not looking good financially after this. Wasted 50k so far. It’s the games she plays with kids being used as pawns that is so vile.

Probably best if you jog on. I will get your coat for you

I genuinely think there is no guilt, so much of her was always about her. She has so many narcissistic traits. But sure the spin is in there. She was Head of Marketing for a massive well known company. Great marketing she did for herself 😆

I try to do as much as I can with them to make things enjoyable. But I am not in a position to be The Disney parent as I have the crappy weekdays and she the weekends. Trying to change that but she refuses, so probably another court case.

You know the thing about life is that you don’t get to dictate other people’s opinions, just like you don’t get to have your children spontaneously decide to cut off their mother because you think they should. I’m sorry you’re hurt and angry, but it’s a vicious thing to resent an 11 and a 13 year old’s love for their other parent.

Your username also suggests deepseated anger about being a SAHD.

Op , I feel for you , being cheated on is the worst feeling. One thing I will say , in my case I didn’t discuss the ow with my dd , as the ow was a safeguarding risk . It isn’t always possible to be totally positive about these situations.

I do understand.
I've not been in this exact position but have this with one of my adult children's in-laws. I am the stable parent whose there to pick up the pieces, always wants to welcome them for a meal or a family holiday, always there if they need something but the in-laws are very carefree, not bothered about seeing their adult kids, can't really help with advice or money yet they are pursued around Europe for meet ups and always praised and revered.
It doesn't seem fair.
I've realised that the safe stable people don't always get treated the best or prioritised.

I wonder if she’s happier so they are comfortable with her atm despite it being her fault? Do you think the marriage was unhappy for a while?

also you are the at home parent and they always feel the brunt of these things. The kids know you are there. Are you going to return to work?

This must be heartbreaking.

Agree with this.

It's a very difficult and painful position to be in, OP, but much of the advice given here is correct. Your kids are far too young to see the reality of what's happened, they won't be able to do that for years. Even if they could, is it really fair to ask them to take sides? They didn't ask for this to happen. They've lost their family unit, why should they have to lose their relationship with their mum too?

I am in the same situation, STBX left me very suddenly for the affair partner and immediately started divorce proceedings. It's been brutal. I have to make chit chat with the OW at handovers, when inside feeling like punching the smug smile off her face. I loathe the woman and hate what STBX did. But it's not DD's fault. She likes the OW and loves STBX. She's also much too little to understand that it was an affair that ended our family unit. So I just have to watch some other woman enjoy all the family times with my spouse and my child that I should have been there for, and accept it because what else is there to do? Poison the well for DD?

hmm yes I didn’t notice that

iamthemanny

You are their father - not their “manny”. Strange choice of username.

I think they might look back as adults and perceive the situation differently.

You are very bitter. Your kids will be picking up on this.

Your anger towards children for not giving you kudos for being their 'rock' is abhorrent.

I’ll tell you exactly what your DC are doing. They are surviving. They’ve seen their mum dump them, and you, and they’re scared. They don’t want to put a foot wrong and upset her.

when they are older they’ll love her, but dislike her and her sleeze ball

So much projection on this thread - you have no idea what the marriage was like. Maybe the kids are relieved that their mum and dad are separated as they’re not living in a toxic environment. Maybe when theyre older they’ll be glad their dm got out?

And where is this rhetoric coming from that she dumped them when care is 50:50?

Cheating is wrong she shouldn’t have done that.

But we know nothing of this situation except that the op is angry that his dcs seem to like spending time with their mum more than him and expects gratitude for being a father.

I expect as a pp suggested - they are happier with their dm because SHE is happier. Op sounds very down (understandable) but kids will pick up on the negativity and downbeat mood.

You sound very very hurt. And what I'm getting from your posts is that you want your children to acknowledge your hurt and acknowledge that you're the wronged party. This is not the job of your children. Their relationship with their mother is separate to the relationship you had with their mother. To be blunt, how she has treated you is actually nothing to do with them.

Are you working?. I think it will help if you go back to work. Create a better life balance for yourself. It will take your mind off things. Start retraining for a new exciting career. The world Is your oyster. You can meet someone else and still have a great life👍🏿

I'm afraid kids aren't great at showing gratitude to their parents. This comes much later when they are adults and realise their parents were actual human beings rather than those sent to serve them 😂

OP, you have unrealistic expectations for children I think. They probably were upset, but at the end of the day, they love both their parents. I mean, her having an affair etc is pretty shit, but when you consider how many children have full blown abusive parents who they still love, you can see how it's a relatively minor thing for them.

At the end of the day, you need to continue to be a good, loving and stable parent to them so that they know you are always there. It may well be that she is not able to be that, or maybe she will, but either way, focus on what YOU Can be for them and do for them and know that over time, their relationship with you will be recognised by them.

As for contact arrangements - most families where one parent is the primary caregiver would inevitably have most of the weekday stuff, but wouldn't necessarily lose out on every weekend, so yes, that may well be something you should be fighting harder on. It does seem unfair that you're doing all the school runs and homework and early nights and she gets the weekends.

That doesn't mean they have to visibly turn against their mother. You seem to be wanting them to take sides and that is far from healthy for them.