Why do my kids see my cheating estranged wife as amazing

[iamthemanny]

My wife left me for a work colleague due to an ongoing affair last July. Lives with the affair partner since last September.

Does anyone else see their kids obsessed with their mother and affair partner and the betrayed spouse losing out and blamed.

It is killing me. I was also the Stay At Home Dad.

Advice really appreciated.

Thank you so much, I am trying to do that. But this week first time they are away with her and AP on holiday so all pretty dark.

I was simply giving you advice, based on the information you have supplied. That's what you asked for. People come here to get honest advice. It's totally up to you whether you take it and improve your life or continue down the same path, damaging your relationship with your children and making your life worse.

If either of my parents had an affair and left us, it's not just my parent, it is our family unit, I wouldn't speak to them again.

in my mind that is what I wanted. Call me vile etc, but same happened to me as a kid and I hated the cheating parent. End a marriage like an adult ffs.

You want your children to never speak to their mother again because you are hurt? Wow.

So sad, don’t get how a father can do that

Not a bad choice, a seismic mess that goes way beyond me and my children. So selfish.

Don’t think so, when they are there they live that live, never hear from them, same when they are with me.

No because they are hurt. They see a private shrink. So I want to protect them.

sorry this has happened to you. It’s awful and it feels very unfair when your kids still adore the person who has caused you so much pain.

I still struggle with it, even though I know it’s best for my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

You’ve said you’ve been the one protecting them through this shitshow, but it’s not over yet. Part of your job of protecting them is to let them love their mum and never make them feel like they have to choose.

I’d also say that it might be useful to you to read over some of the replies and see how you’ve reacted - you do seem very angry and defensive ( which is natural). But some of the posters actually have some good advice- it may sound harsh but there’s a lot you can take from it. It’s good to read words of support, but sometimes it’s the ones taking the opposite view that are most helpful. Remember- your wife may have been awful to you, but she may be a great mum.

also, other people’s viewpoints can actually give you a different way of framing the situation. There is no one objective truth.

This is an internet board, how much compassion can I realistically offer? The most useful thing I can do is give advice directly and rationally. You need to make sure you're on your kids side whatever else is going on.

I don't hold with this "she cheated on you, not them."

She lied, deceived, probably spent family money and destroyed the family as it was.

Hardly a good role model as a wife, parent or mother. What values does she espouse? But those aren't really an issue for your dcs right now. As long as she's not abusive to them of course.

Having said that, she's their mum. They love her. Even adore her. Let them. It's lovely for them.

When they're grown up or older teenagers, they might ask questions. To which they should get honest answers about her behaviour. Then they are adult enough to evaluate her character properly and choose their own relationship with her.

You need to love your kids more than you hate your ex.

You need to be stronger than this, for them because they need you to be.

They can't be your therapy or validation or your comfort. They are children and it's your job to protect them.

You have to be that even more when the other parent has let them down and hurt them. They need you and you don't have the luxury of needing their emotional support or praise.

You have to look elsewhere for that. Do you have and friends or family you can rant to or cry on their shoulders or tell you how well you are doing?

While you may need that support, it can't be from your children.

I can't count the number of threads on here by women whose exes have been utter bastards to them and hurt them so badly. Do they expect their children to praise them or take sides? No. They lie through their fucking teeth to protect their children as far as possible and they rant privately. Because that's what you have to do as a parent. No matter how bloody unfair it is and how much you feel the words daddy (or mummy) loves you very much, we just felt we <insert bullshit amicable loving split shit here> are going to stick in your throat and choke you to death.

I get it. I felt the same when my exH left. It felt so unfair. But as a child of divorced parents who never held back insulting each other, I decided to grit my teeth and keep quiet. (I’m not suggesting you’re bad-mouthing your ex to your kids, you don’t sound like you are at all.)

Six years on, my kids are older & they get it now. He’s their dad, and always will be, but they get that I was the one who was there for them. They have come to their own conclusion that their dad’s affair was very selfish.

I’m no martyr, but I’m glad I took the path I did.

Hang in there. It’s so painful. But it gets better, I promise.

This is really the key here, but I think you have to work towards understanding that your children may see things differently from you and they are entitled to do that. It doesn’t invalidate how you feel. They may perceive the affair and circumstances around it differently. They may see it as you do but still love their mum.

Looking to your children to validate your own pain isn’t fair on you or them. I would suggest some counselling to give you an opportunity to talk about it all and help you separate all of this out.

It sounds a very hard situation and I feel for you, but I don’t think dwelling on the unfairness of your children loving their mum is the way to move forwards and if anything is likely to be counterproductive.

This is my concern, the morals they have or complete lack of are now flowing freely to my kids. That as a father is very worrying. What other 💩 are they being brought up with.

They're too young. You won't get that until adulthood at least. It isn't their job to recognise your sacrifice and be grateful. You're doing your job. Do it well and later on they'll realise.
Agree with this.
It isn't the children's job to validate their parents. We are the adults. Our feelings are not their responsibility and our issues aren't theirs to carry.

There's hundreds of threads on here where it's a mother in your position and it hurts if the children seem to have favourites. The parent who stays and does the bulk of the parenting tends to be the safe place, they're the ones being the rock for the children, they're the ones who have to deal with a non-resident parent Disney parenting.

The advice given regularly is that over time the children will process what happened and reflect on their relationships with their parents. For many who have ineffective or distant non-resident parents it will affect the relationship in adulthood. For the constant parent, the children tend to grow to respect and value the stability their resident parent maintained. It's something that comes with time.

If she was an amazing mum she wouldn't have cheated.
Or does that just apply to the dads I've seen posted about on here? 🤔

They’re still quite young to realise the hurt of an affair.

I know a man that had an affair when his children were 15 and 17 and both never spoke to their dad at all for a year. They’re in their early 20s now and have very minimal contact. They were old enough to know exactly what their dad had done and were aware of all the lies and deceit. They’re very much team mum.

I know a woman who had an affair when her daughter was 11. Their daughter spent equal time with each parent initially and she didn’t really know/understand what had happened fully. When she got to 17, she chose to live with her dad after realising that her mum had continued to make selfish choices. She’s late 20s now and is very close to her dad and his new partner. She sees her mum but they’re not close.

Your children will probably realise as they get older, sometimes it’s not until they get married and have kids themselves. If you’re a good dad, stick to the facts when they ask things and let them sort their own feelings about it out, they’ll realise what’s what in time.

For now, concentrate on your own relationship with your children, smile and nod when they tell you how fabulous mum is. She’s still their mum so you will have to keep a lot in. Talk to the adults in your life who you trust when you need to vent.

Thank you. I know it is not healthy, I have a counsellor I see weekly. As it is often blokes doing this I wanted practical advice on how ladies have coped in similar situations.

OP this all sounds incredibly raw and recent.

I've been there (apart from kids spending time with affair partner who is still hidden from them).

I got landed with some of the blame when he left me for someone else. It's horribly painful and unfair.

It will take some time to feel better. Try to be the bigger person in the meantime which is SO much easier said than done.

Take care.

Right or wrong, that’s what I think. She lied to the kids for months too.

Don’t let your bitterness ruin your relationship with your children.

It is unfair to expect them to show you gratitude for simply being a parent 50% of the time and wanting them to not speak to their mother when they are still so young.

And how would that work anyway when they are with her 50% of the time?

Being upset and devastated about what she did is understandable but you don’t put that on your children. That’s wrong. Of course they Iove their dm, same as they love you. Dont push them away by being angry and bitter.

Remember for children, cheating isn't the worst thing that could happen. If they have been living within a toxic family unit it may be a welcome relief for the tension to end and see one of their parents relaxed. I know it's awful for you but I am genuinely trying to offer advice.

I'm really sorry OP. This situation sucks and it's so unfair that as the wronged party you have to hold all those feeling in and be calm and reasonable and do the right thing, while at the same time, losing your kids 50% of the time. And all because your wife has done something monumentally selfish. It's galling to then have your kids see only the best of her, even if that's ultimately best for them, it's still gutting for you

I think too many posters are treating you as if you are the one automatically in the wrong, because you are male and as women,have been in the receiving end.

The only advice I can give you is to say that every time you let your kids see the positive in their mum and hold back the natural bitterness, you are being a better parent and putting them first. They may or may not come to see that in time, but you are doing what a good parent should do, which is to put them first.

The only other thing I can say is to try and build yourself a new life and not think about her at all - let her be wiped from existence as far as you are concerned. Tell mutual friends that you don't want to hear about her at all.

Finally, see a solicitor - if you've been a sahd, she might have left you up shit creek financially. 50/50 usually means neither of you pays child support since you both have to house the kids, but I'd revisit this agreement if her provision isn't the same quality as yours (ie kids have bedrooms, not sleeping in living room etc). And she may owe you spousal support or a more generous financial settlement if you've sacrificed earning potential to provide childcare.

Not letting her stiff you in the divorce settlement will go some way towards making you feel better.

Best of luck

@iamthemanny no, I'm agreeing with you, 100%
I was referring to the hypocrisy of the comments because in this case it's the mum and not the dad