Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

[bidoofisgod]

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

This is what I've always found hard to understand.

With all the technology and resources at the CMS disposal, why is there still that fucking nonsense with not making self employed absent parents pay what they should. It's pathetic.

I know it costs the Gov more to chase the deadbeats! I have no idea how to fix it. It’s always the women (99.9%) that carry the responsibility.

IMO … A huge amount of men don’t actually want children and they only have them because they fall in love with a women who does and many more women do want kids. So they go along with it. You see it on here ALL THE TIME. Men with more red flags than a matador who resist marriage, any talking or planning for children, expect to contribute nothing to maternity leave finances etc and still women stay with them and have children with them when it’s crystal clear their partner just doesn’t want kinds.
As more and more women also now question whether they want kids and more and more choose not too, I think more men who simply don’t want them will be able to find long term partners and not have to ‘go along’ with having kids they really just don't want. I know someone will now come on here and say their ex begged them to have children and then buggered off but I think that’s less common than men who meet and fall in line with their partners who then want children so it’s lose the partner or have the child. So they have the child.

There’s zero political will for it.

people are often genuinely surprised by the powers that CMS actually have. They just have no political will behind them to use them.

I worked for them briefly and, having been through it with my ex, knew of several things they could do that the person training me didn’t know about!

In my experience a lot of men get salty about anything they have to do that doesn't directly benefit them.

They don’t chase most of them. That’s the issue.

The current system was brought in because of the number of non payers… Previousky RPs who were on benefits were only allowed to keep £20 a week from the maintenance. The rest was owed to the Sec of State to go toward the welfare bill costs.

The amount of money owed to the Sec of state got so high that it was decided that something must be done. After much thought and discussion it was decided that the best solution to this issue was to allow RPs to keep the money that they knew wasn’t being paid

If there was political will for CMS to be effective, and it be socially unacceptable for men to dodge paying, the amount of men not paying would drop overnight.

@LorlieS all weekend every weekend.

Exactly it can be done, you just need to get the case referred to FIU

@RMNofTikTok it was rented, his name was on the lease. She insisted he leave, he felt he had no choice and left because he wanted to save the relationship. then she made it impossible for him to return. Now he’s fucked.

It's not impossible though is it? Unless she has managed to secure an injunction.

Nailed it.

These threads always get sidetracked by the one or two rare stories of men being fucked over and non paying mothers.

As sure as night is day

This is almost word for word what my ex said: "well you wanted them"...

It's because all men see it as "their money". Funny how they don't feel the same way about their children.

@Dogknowsbest Tbf not an insignificant amount of women in relationships view everything their husband/partner earns as "their money" too?

I would like to see a system where the NRP has a minimum amount that they ought to pay towards their child, say £250pm (increases with wages) for everyone regardless of whether they are employed or not.

This amount plus any extra is paid to RP every month from a central fund. A bit like the criminal injuries system.
Then the man, sorry NRP, keeps that debt forever and has to pay it off (like a student loan) back to the central fund. That money will remain due even past child's 18th and will be recovered and paid to the NRP so as to recuperate her for the money she has already spent raising the child.

They should have powers of enforcement like in USA, like passport removal. No payment, no passport and certainly no Visa to a country who won't support the UK in the system of a man paying towards raising his children. Sorry again, i mean NRP!

Removal of goods, like cars, boats etc, so self employed men can't get rid of their cash easily.

It should affect their whole life should they decide not to pay. Obviously the ones who can't pay yet can keep the accrued debt until they can.

Even repossessing their houses as that is an asset.

Then prison, without the debt being written off.

There should be a register of fathers who won't pay available on request, (bit like DA) to see if your new man is socially responsible towards his offspring.

There should be punishment via courts for refusal to pay and reported in local papers, to publicly shame them.

Hopefully that way as least the very poorest would have access to the money regularly and without the mother, sorry RP, having to hope and pray the child's father will deign to throw some pennies over this week.

If the public starting seeing this as something that is socially unacceptable then society would start to view it differently. Basically people think it's wrong to drink drive and maim someone, so that required prison, settlements etc. They need to see the deliberate withholding of monies to raise a child as slow drip, long term abuse of that child.

Oh yeah and a man SHOULD NOT pay less for his own child/ren if he's living with some other man's child. Who the hell thought that one up?

@bluedomino CMS have several of the powers you mention

There us no political will (from any party) for them to use them regularly

Recompense her not recuperate! Sorry.

I do think that some splitting parents don't think through the financial implications of splitting up. I've seen advice on here about spousal and child maintenance referring to living an equivalent lifestyle. But two separate homes are way more expensive than one. I think the expectations on both sides can be higher than the reality. Then everyone suffers.

@RMNofTikTok Thank you so much for your insight and understanding.
I'm not an absent parent by choice; it almost killed me at one point (literally). I wrote goodbye letters to my young sons. I still have them.
Ex lives in a multi-million pound property complete with swimming pool. Despite working my arse off I'm still in rented a decade on.
So let's add financial abuse to the mix and tell me to pay maintenance.
Abhorrent.

Not always. My DH paid his ex £200 in a lump sum for his son and she went out and bought an Xbox for herself. She even bragged to people that her ex paid for it. You can't blame some men for being resentful at this as it isn't going on the child in some cases.

Unless the son was homeless naked and starving I don't see the issue with that. Child maintenance is paid in arrears, it's reimbursement.

Mum normally gets all the child benefit, tax credits, UC etc so Dad doesn't think Mum needs any further top ups. So many men just revert to bachelor life and disengage from the kids they leave behind and think if Mum can look anything better than a tramp she's clearly spending his money on herself. Some blokes are just total bell-ends.

Of course there is. All dads have to do is complain of parental alienation and it completely changes the trajectory of proceedings. The real PA is the false allegations of PA against mothers who have fled domestic abuse.

It's probably a reflection of the reason they're no longer your partner in the first place - they don't like you, they've devalued you, they're too selfish to think of anyone but themselves, and they feel very sorry for themselves that someone is finally making them take some responsibility for the children.

Many are single because of the same selfishness. Many are single because of the entitled behaviour they exhibited when living in the family home - thinking of nobody but themselves, never doing much parenting of the children, and thinking they answered to no-one. Then they get the child support bill and it dawns on them that they are not the lord of all they survey. It makes them very resentful.