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Original poster

Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

645 replies

bidoofisgod · 31/01/2024 18:34

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

OP posts:
StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 31/01/2024 21:10

Putting forward the perspective of a father (my DH), they have to pay for everything when their child is with them, clothes, food, uniform, school events, travel costs etc and then is expected to spend even more money to help the mum with the same costs when he gets no help.

That's just one perspective from my experience.

Frostynight · 31/01/2024 21:12

My ex has to pay a fairly decent amount, because he's on a decent salary, but refused to pay until I went through CMS. Now, on the rare occasion he ds, he moans constantly to him.about the fact he has to pay. Ds has no respect for him, whatsoever.

CaramelCarmen · 31/01/2024 21:13

Anyone who is paying £25 per month towards their child is a scumbag.

Original poster
bidoofisgod · 31/01/2024 21:13

Talk66talk · 31/01/2024 21:05

@bidoofisgod is that through CMS? Us mums need to start clubbing together because I'm sick of reading these piss poor figures £25 per month? Disgusting.

On your next review on CMS, ask for a mandatory reconsideration. Then push it further to the courts.

My ex is giving me the silent treatment as he now has to pay £450 per month plus we are going to court over his earnings from 2022/2023. My ex knows its not for me he would rather the Gov pick up the slack!

Yes but because he's "self employed" he can declare whatever he wants hence the piss poor amount. He should be paying a LOT more. And tbh, I don't really care that much, I don't need it, I claimed via cms for the principle of it. He is a very involved dad and great with the kids so I'm lucky in that respect, but he's just so so bitter about paying anything. During mediation he made it very clear he wanted 50/50 so he can have half the benefits and not have to pay maintenance. Like money is the biggest priority to him.
As I say, everything else is great, it's just the bitterness and resentment about maintenance that I just don't get.

And fwiw, I earn my own money and can pay to get my own lashes and nails done 😉

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 31/01/2024 21:18

StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 31/01/2024 21:10

Putting forward the perspective of a father (my DH), they have to pay for everything when their child is with them, clothes, food, uniform, school events, travel costs etc and then is expected to spend even more money to help the mum with the same costs when he gets no help.

That's just one perspective from my experience.

'Is expected'

No. It'll be agreed. And if it's fair, then there's no issue.

However, even involved fathers (which my ex is not) seem to baulk at paying their share of the full costs to ensures their DC has as good a life as both parents can manage - it shouldn't be about the bare minimum.

Original poster
bidoofisgod · 31/01/2024 21:20

Oh i should say although he wanted 50/50 the dc didn't want to change the routine we already had so he has 3 nights and I have 4 a week. But I pay for all the branded school uniform (jumpers, blazers etc), school bags and equipment, pocket money, school trips, hair cuts etc. so although care is quite even, the bulk of finances lands on me

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 31/01/2024 21:21

My ex sent me an email meant for somebody else in error. It said "I'm not paying for her fags and wine lifestyle".

Aside from fact I didn't smoke, I was left a lone parent to a disabled toddler. He sacked me from our business and left me with no income and decided that £100 a month was the height of greed.

In the meantime, he lavished all our money on OW. He cashed the kids shares to pay for stuff for her. I could go on and on. But how DARE I expect him to contribute to his own flesh and blood. Baffling.

Talk66talk · 31/01/2024 21:22

My ex is self employed also. Courts have the powers to challenge and delve into earnings. These non compliant fathers have to explain and provide evidence of earnings once the courts get involved. I absolutely agree it's the mere principle of it also. All of a sudden my ex has gone from earning £86 per week to nearly 50k a year.... I wonder why! I will still be pursuing court just awaiting a court date!

MrsKeats · 31/01/2024 21:25

Aside from the moral issue I don't understand why we can't have a proper system to chase absent fathers (and mothers)
How hard can it be with modern technology?

thedancingparrot · 31/01/2024 21:25

For the same reason men think they babysit their kids. In their world it is a women's task to give birth, look after and pay for their kids. Their involvement ended at conception for which you are supposed to be eternally grateful for their sperm. After that they are just vaguely aware of some very short people running around the house.

sprigatito · 31/01/2024 21:26

Because they hate women and want them to suffer and struggle

Because they don't give a fuck about children other than a) as a means to getting in a new woman's pants, or b) as bargaining chips to punish a woman who won't shag them any more

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 31/01/2024 21:27

Ah yes, my ex got with some woman, decided against seeing his kids as he was now a family unit with them, initially claimed financial responsibility for them to pay less to our kids, and then went ridiculously part time to look after them while she worked full time to reduce maintenence to fuck all. He now tells everyone I manipulated the kids into not talking to him so he consoles himself with his new family, poor little love.

Sadly when we got together (I was a teen and him mid 30s) he had 2 kids and the ex was a money hungry psycho, just using him for all his hundreds of money, and was witholding his kids from him etc.. and that's how I learned the hard way never to trust any guy who spouts this shit.

Renamed · 31/01/2024 21:28

So many threads on here where partners who are not ex resent paying anything for their kids, think it’s all down to the woman to provide and want to keep all their money for themselves.

TwylaSands · 31/01/2024 21:29

StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 31/01/2024 21:10

Putting forward the perspective of a father (my DH), they have to pay for everything when their child is with them, clothes, food, uniform, school events, travel costs etc and then is expected to spend even more money to help the mum with the same costs when he gets no help.

That's just one perspective from my experience.

Your dh has the child 50/50?

StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 31/01/2024 21:32

@TwylaSands Not far off. It's a 2 week rota so he has him 6 days out of 14.

Original poster
bidoofisgod · 31/01/2024 21:33

Talk66talk · 31/01/2024 21:22

My ex is self employed also. Courts have the powers to challenge and delve into earnings. These non compliant fathers have to explain and provide evidence of earnings once the courts get involved. I absolutely agree it's the mere principle of it also. All of a sudden my ex has gone from earning £86 per week to nearly 50k a year.... I wonder why! I will still be pursuing court just awaiting a court date!

He has told me he plans to buy a house this year so will have to soon declare he's earning enough to get a mortgage so I figured I'll just bide my time and then ask for reconsideration. Karma always comes around eventually.

OP posts:
Gonnawashmymouthout · 31/01/2024 21:33

Makes me rage. 😡

I work in IT and with lots of contractors. One was boasting how he only takes a small salary from his company to avoid paying the ex too much maintenance.

I remember my friends ex was collecting his son, and had the audacity to look at her calendar to see she had a waxing booked in. Ranting and raving that he was paying to get her Fanny waxed. Aye… that’s all his measly £30 a month paid for anyway

crew2022 · 31/01/2024 21:33

They see a child as the woman's and they are doing her a favour by contributing anything even the bare minimum. So the tax paying public step in.

I find it sickening when the absent fathers of children murdered by their step parent / mothers new partner suddenly make statements about how much they loved their child (who sometimes they hadn't seen for years). They should have been protecting their child.

SecondUsername4me · 31/01/2024 21:36

StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 31/01/2024 21:32

@TwylaSands Not far off. It's a 2 week rota so he has him 6 days out of 14.

Well, then the nominal amount on top he pays for the 1 day a a fortnight less than he should be having them is due.

If he doesn't want to pay for those 26 days a year, then he needs to take his child more.

SpringViolet · 31/01/2024 21:37

No one can be that thick that they think £50 a month is what it costs to raise a child (going on the OP’s £25 contribution from her ex).

A lot of men seem to dissociate from their children when the relationship with the mother breaks down and see them as an extension of her rather than both of them. Read so many threads on here where apparently doting dads don’t pay for their DC and stop seeing them or rarely see them when they leave. My father did the same.

It should be see as criminal neglect, and socially abhorrent and shameful, to not contribute equally to raising your own DC. The fathers (and it is mainly fathers) have parental responsibility the same as the mothers do.

Mind you there are plenty of women who don’t have a problem with it too, have read women on here saying they never got CM so other women should be grateful for the pittance they get. You only have to read the Step Parents section to see loads of women complaining about how much their partners are paying to their bitter ex’s for their pre-existing DC, how they hate their stepchildren, don’t want them in their house and EOW contact is too much.

There’s a pervading view that ex’s are money grabbing lazy cows lazing on the sofa all day constantly trying to get more money when I imagine the vast majority have had careers impacted by being the primary carer to the children which should be recognised.

Really don’t know why we don’t follow the US in terms of it being a criminal offence not to pay CM at least.

StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 31/01/2024 21:38

@SecondUsername4me He would love to but the mum won't allow it.

DH doesn't pay maintenance at the moment but if circumstance were different, he would have to. I was just trying to demonstrate how it can make someone feel and it's not always because they don't care about their children.

Matilda1981 · 31/01/2024 21:39

My ex is supposed to pay me £36 a month for 2 children (he has them eow and half holidays) but he’s quibbling over that and has asked CMS to take travel costs into consideration - he said it’s me that wanted the divorce so I need to suffer the financial consequences! Pisses me off as it’s doesn’t even cover school meals for a week let alone all of the other food they eat, clothes they wear, activities they do etc etc!! He’s self employed through his own limited company and had only declared £6k in earnings

milkysmum · 31/01/2024 21:42

My ex husband is self employed and declares earning £7000 per year so CMS say he only needs to pay £7 per week for each of our two children who are 12 and 14. He refuses to pay that! I know he earns on average £600 per week as a bricklayer.

milkysmum · 31/01/2024 21:43

And he hasn't seen them in over 8 months and forgot his son's birthday and didn't get in touch at Christmas. I don't know how men like this sleep at night I really don't.

Kalevala · 31/01/2024 21:43

I remember my XMIL says 'you have to give the child support to her?' Well who else? I don't know how she thought it should work.