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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

645 replies

bidoofisgod · 31/01/2024 18:34

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 01/02/2024 01:42

Yes this happens with long term partners but 2 people have sex after not knowing each that much really the one that gets pregnant wants to have the baby then seems surprised the other doesn't want to pay for a decision they made and sometimesdo it deliberately because of their biological clock

People can go on about how men 'make' women pregnant but until men can biologically have a baby they are the ones that get pregnant

One one person can get pregnant so they have the only choice on what to do.

There is men who have multiple children with different partners yet somehow still find women gullible enough to have more with them. It is a choice

So maybe if women thought more who they had a baby with?

vidflex · 01/02/2024 01:42

These "men" don't realise that leaving their children and mother of their kids struggling financially while they move on fiddling the system by going self employed etc to pay the least possible... well eventually their children grow up and see their father for who they are.

Mine all adults now barely acknowledge their dad now days. We had years of him skipping payments then they'd go to his on a Sunday and he'd take them to theme parks, days out and junk food after we'd just spent a week living on jacket fucking potatoes and mince to get by.

One summer he went abroad twice with his latest gf and didn't pay. Apparently he needed his spends. While I worked two jobs around the dc to get the uniforms, shoes and coats.

They don't forget these things suddenly when they are adults. They end up having families of their own and wondering how the hell their so called dad could do that to us.

StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 01/02/2024 01:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

QueenBitch666 · 01/02/2024 01:51

Because they're fking cretins who don't GAF about their crotch fruit
They should be locked up

IKnowWhatISee · 01/02/2024 02:07

Their money could be used to help them attract new women... and instead it's being used to maintain the kids who are part of the past. This is my punt on what's going on in their heads.

Honeychickpea · 01/02/2024 02:07

StephanieSuperpowers · 31/01/2024 20:36

Because they haven't anything else of value and at some level, they know it. So they resent giving their (measly) best while losing the benefits it bought them.

Or perhaps because they never valued those things, and resent paying for them.

bluedomino · 01/02/2024 02:13

@StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance unless you have financial records you don't know for sure. You said she boasted to other people. This is gossip and hearsay, not usually a foundation for truth. Maybe she made a flippant comment about his beloved £200 as a joke, or to get back to him to irritate him. Maybe nasty people liked stirring up the waters. You should not comment on her finances without knowing everything. I highly doubt that child never played on an xbox.

He is a cracker isn't he? This fabled £200 that he's cried and moaned so much over wasn't even HIS money! He used another child's disability money to pretend he was a generous good guy! He is either a financial abuser stealing another child's money, thus ensuring that child suffers or you are being abused and allowing this fine example of a man to take your child's money and thus condoning financial abuse and misuse of a disability payment. Or it just sounded better.

Either way, your story needs to be rewritten to:
My crap husband, who pays a reduced amount of CMS, unwillingly due to living with another child, took/stole from a child, a large proportion of their disability payment and passed it off as his own money given to his biological child. He was morally outraged that this stolen money wasnt spend how he liked.

He really doesn't have the moral high ground here.
Either you knew he was taking money from your own disabled child or he did it without permission. He told you that he gave it to his ex for his child (again hearsay and told you how it was spent, apparently).
If you disagreed that your child should support his child by unknowingly being deprived for THEIR, not yours and certainly not his money, then you should have gone to the Police about the theft and also reported yourself to the DSS as unable to be a safe guardian of your child's money.

No way would I allow a man to parade around bestowing funds he claims are his, that he took from my child. You need to look at coercive control and financial abuse. That money is to help your child. If one month you don't spend it put it in a savings account for them.

Your story is not an example of a kind hearted, generous Dad, paying above the government accepted pittance to support his child. He's a great example of what we are talking about here, feckless men.

StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 01/02/2024 02:16

@bluedomino Oh dear! This thread is full of man haters and extremely sexist.

I'll leave you all to it.

Geppili · 01/02/2024 02:16

@QueenBitch666 puts it perfectly.

bluedomino · 01/02/2024 02:26

@StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance you are welcome. Sometimes it hurts to have the wool pulled from your eyes. And the truth always hurts. He is not a Prince amongst men. Maybe look at what you tolerate. It certainly isn't man hating to expect them to pay their own money towards their own child. Ask yourself how you would feel knowing your father was willing to watch you live in poverty! I cannot apologise for my utter abhorrence for those types of men. They are abusers and that makes you a flying monkey.

StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 01/02/2024 02:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

mathanxiety · 01/02/2024 03:30

bluedomino · 01/02/2024 01:16

@mathanxiety Wow. Just Wow. That's amazing. Do you think people in your state view not supporting your own child as despicable? Is it frowned on? And do you think it helps lift more children out of poverty?
I wonder if these powers have an effect on people's desire to cheat? Whether they see it at another thing to lose? Sorry late night ramblings!
How can US be so far ahead on this but so behind on maternity pay?
Also I think non payment should affect their credit as if they feel no guilt about not providing necessities to live for their flesh and blood, then how can they view a car repayment as more important.
Basically I do think there are a lot more sociopathic, full blown narcassistic personality disordered men filled with hate for women, around than we suspect.
We need more communes.
And domestic abuse awareness in schools.

I think the factor in public opinion that makes this possible is taxpayer opinion and the question of why anyone else should support children who are not theirs. In some states this opinion extends to grumbling about paying for all taxpayer-funded welfare, but in more Democratic leaning states, the need for a safety net is supported.

My state is a no-fault state, so the reasons for a divorce don't matter. The divorce process is basically a matter of tying up loose financial ends, disposing of marital debts and assets, and establishing financial support for the children and contact with both parents where appropriate.

I don't think it keeps children out of poverty per se, unless the person paying is making a good living. People whose income is low will have less to pay. But child support is not taxable as income to the recipient, so it doesn't affect eligibility for welfare the recipient and children might be entitled to based on earned income. It is not deductible by the person paying either, but most tax paying divorced couples will have as part of their settlement an agreement to claim the children as dependents on alternating years, or for each of them to claim half of the children every year. This can make a difference to their taxes.

I absolutely agree that there are a lot more personality disordered men out there than are currently suspected, harbouring hatred for women. There is a reason the measures in place in the US are there.

misssunshine4040 · 01/02/2024 03:30

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

More fool you, using your daughter's money when your DH should have his own child maintenance covered.

The ex pays the daily expenses for kids from her own pocket right? From her money? House, heat, food, unexpected expenses...
Has childcare responsibilities that may need paying for, limited ability to have career prospects etc.....

£200 on an Xbox she bought using her kids dads contribution is not the problem.

Talk66talk · 01/02/2024 03:41

WandaWonder · 01/02/2024 01:42

Yes this happens with long term partners but 2 people have sex after not knowing each that much really the one that gets pregnant wants to have the baby then seems surprised the other doesn't want to pay for a decision they made and sometimesdo it deliberately because of their biological clock

People can go on about how men 'make' women pregnant but until men can biologically have a baby they are the ones that get pregnant

One one person can get pregnant so they have the only choice on what to do.

There is men who have multiple children with different partners yet somehow still find women gullible enough to have more with them. It is a choice

So maybe if women thought more who they had a baby with?

I have to agree with this because like you say men can't get pregnant. Apart from the very TINY minority most DC are left with their mothers I personally do not know of even 1 mother who has walked away from her own kids and dad looks after them full time. How anybody has kids to all different men is beyond me but that is a whole other topic!!

Codlingmoths · 01/02/2024 04:42

MyopicBunny · 31/01/2024 20:58

I agree with this as well.

I feel like this too. All the posters who rear up in horror at suggestions of ‘paying to see your child’ - if you refuse to support your child you are a shit person and an even shittier dad , should you really get much regular time with your child? Is that so good for the child?

crew2022 · 01/02/2024 04:53

@mathanxiety that sounds a really sensible approach. Better than our current one where the state picks up the bill.

PinkEasterbunny · 01/02/2024 07:33

Rollercoaster1920 · 31/01/2024 23:49

I do think that some splitting parents don't think through the financial implications of splitting up. I've seen advice on here about spousal and child maintenance referring to living an equivalent lifestyle. But two separate homes are way more expensive than one. I think the expectations on both sides can be higher than the reality. Then everyone suffers.

This. Post-split there’s no more money than there was previously but there’s an extra home to fund.

Talk66talk · 01/02/2024 09:04

@Rollercoaster1920 I don't think the expectations are too high because let's be honest expectations are simply just that!

Its the fact that most of us mothers are left to pick up the slack, find a job around the kids, do all the pick ups/drops to the school and all the extra classes and cover the school holidays 13 weeks ago. Meanwhile...... ahhh its a man's world alright.

Talk66talk · 01/02/2024 09:05

A year! Not ago*

54isanopendoor · 01/02/2024 09:14

coxesorangepippin · 31/01/2024 20:38

Bottom line? They don't care about their children

Which basically means the human race

It's sickening.

In the US you can't even buy a donut without them checking if you've paid your alimony first

Wow - is that really true about the situation in the US ??

My exH resents it. Literally throws the money at me (in front of the kids if he can)
'Here's your money - spend it wisely, har har'. It's not MY money - it's his kids £. He recently offered me an extra £10 a month towards my utility bill (£450 pm)
The Govt agrees with him as it's considered income & taken off benefits too.
I believe if you chase it via the CM service they charge you for their 'help'.
I'm getting divorced & qualify for Legal Aid. Except I just got a bill from them for £1k as they consider my half of the pension earned whilst I (disabled) raised our two kids (also disabled & I'm their official Carer) whilst he could earn money. 50% of that being put into a pension for me to access in 12 yrs = me 'earning'.

The whole of our patriarchal society values men. Women & kids are WAY DOWN.

gretaar · 01/02/2024 12:28

janicegarvey · 31/01/2024 20:36

£25 a month is an actual insult

What is wrong with these people

This

GingerIsBest · 01/02/2024 12:42

It's the same reason so many women get themselves into serious financial problems while on maternity leave. Too often, society, especially men, think women should be GRATEFUL for the opportunity to look after their children. it is a perk. Interestingly, it is NOT a perk for men to look after their children, but rather a chore. So, on mat leave, the woman must use her savings to continue to meet her share of household bills because "she's at home, not working".

And it's the same with maintenance.

The double standard is SO clear and yet hilariously invisible to these men. So when they're divorced/separated, they think that the woman should be grateful to have the DC (even though they, the men, would rather cut off their left testicle than have them) so obviously the man should ONLY contribute at the point at which there is no money for anything. if there's even a tenner left over from all her bills that a woman could use to have a drink with a friend... she's out of line.

And to posters who like to mention that sometimes women do this or their DH/Brother/Friend don't, it's about statistics. Overall, among the population of separated parents, there is a percentage (I don't know what it is) of non resident parents who pay little or nothing towards their children and/or attempt to get out of paying. Within this group, the vast bulk tend to be men.

Aquariumcorals · 01/02/2024 14:03

My husband and I are on the receiving end of this but it is my DH ex wife who doesn't pay a penny. My step kids live with us FT and see their mum every other weekend. Not only does she not pay any maintenance, she also stopped contributing to extra curricular activities, school lunches and school trips etc. which was particularly petty and spiteful. So the fact she is not only saving hundreds of pounds a month by not having to put petrol in to ferry them to school, feed them and clothe them, she has refused to contribute at all simply because my DH is a higher earner! She has ended up quids in! I can only assume her attitude is: If I don't have them why should I pay for them? This seems to be the attitude of all deadbeat parents, male or female.

HighQueenOfTheFarRealm · 01/02/2024 14:10

I think they see that you're paying bills and buying food anyway so any money they give will be for fun and luxuries for the ex.
My friends bitter ex refused to give money but at least he'd pay for specific things directly like school lunches, activities and would take them to buy shoes and get haircuts and so on.
I know a lot of men wouldn't even bother to do that.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 01/02/2024 14:31

54isanopendoor · 01/02/2024 09:14

Wow - is that really true about the situation in the US ??

My exH resents it. Literally throws the money at me (in front of the kids if he can)
'Here's your money - spend it wisely, har har'. It's not MY money - it's his kids £. He recently offered me an extra £10 a month towards my utility bill (£450 pm)
The Govt agrees with him as it's considered income & taken off benefits too.
I believe if you chase it via the CM service they charge you for their 'help'.
I'm getting divorced & qualify for Legal Aid. Except I just got a bill from them for £1k as they consider my half of the pension earned whilst I (disabled) raised our two kids (also disabled & I'm their official Carer) whilst he could earn money. 50% of that being put into a pension for me to access in 12 yrs = me 'earning'.

The whole of our patriarchal society values men. Women & kids are WAY DOWN.

The Govt agrees with him as it's considered income & taken off benefits too.

Child maintenance is not counted as income toward benefits. Spousal maintenance is counted under UC, but child maintenance is not.

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