Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

[bidoofisgod]

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

Just a reminder that the maintenance payment is not supposed to cover all a child’s needs, because both parents should be contributing.

If it's 50/50 care, no payment is required (except in extremely disparate circumstances between parents)

If one parent is providing all the personal care, the other should provide all the financial care.

So if it's 5:2 then he should be providing enough to cover 5/7ths of the costs, and her 2/7ths of the costs.

Personally I don't think the CMS amount is enough - the parent providing the personal care is contributing far more of their resource in order to make up for the other parent not doing their 50% but since we can't even get this small CMS paid in so many circumstances, we don't have much chance of making it a fair cost. Which would be, in my opinion, somewhere that gives the child a standard of living half-way between that of both parents - thus encouraging parent1 to go 50/50 on care to allow parent2 to work and thus raise their standard of living and so reduce parent1's payment.

If one parent is providing all the personal care, the other should provide all the financial care.

So you’re suggesting that in some cases, only one parent has any financial responsibility?

Both parents are equally responsible for both parenting and providing financially. And it's a joint responsibility so if one parent fails, the other has to step up.

But there's no doubt that having a "default" parent that you can palm off your share of parenting responsibilities to is the best value childcare you'll ever get. £400pcm is an absolute steal for overnights, school runs, laundry, food, nanny duties like packing school bags, supervising homework etc. When I was working away from home for a week and my OH couldn't cover the school run so we needed to hire someone to help us temporarily, it cost us hundreds of pounds from a local babysitting agency (on top of all our usual childcare). Just to cover the time between 7-8.45am and drop our DC off at school. It's funny because familial caring responsibilities are so undervalued, but try to outsource them and it costs an absolute arm and leg.

If NRPs had to pay a commercial rate for the childcare provided by RPs over and above 50/50, then they would really have something to squeal about, as opposed to the paltry CM rates.

This

But OP your question is genuinely an excellent one.

Don’t be ridiculous ! Most small children have to be at nursery well before 9am, so that their parents can get to work .

I know you think you are very clever with your arguments, but not one single person reading this actual believes that you have the slightest interest in having your child more. You don’t want him because it’s not convenient to you.

You prefer for his mother to do 5/7 of the work and expense of raising him while you sit and bitch on the sidelines.

It’s clear as day to anyone reading this. You are a classic example of your type of man .

I think that that would be fairer, yes. If one isn't actually looking after the child at all, then the other should absolutely make sure that that child is covered financially.

It's still not actually fair of course, because the free parent is only giving up money to pay for the child, they have no other impact on their life. The parent looking after the child is being prevented from reaching their earning potential because they have full responsibility for the child - ideally, they would be compensated for that as a PP said - if I charged the going rate for the 50% of care that my ex is avoiding then he'd realise the bargain he's getting (or hopefully, step up and see his kids more!) - and I get OK maintenance - for most women their maintenance doesn't even cover their childcare bill.

I think that that would be fairer, yes. If one isn't actually looking after the child at all, then the other should absolutely make sure that that child is covered financially.

Sigh

I think that that would be fairer, yes. If one isn't actually looking after the child at all, then they should absolutely make sure that that child is covered financially.

You can not draw a generalisation on these types of cases as each is so different.

If a paying parent is willing to provide 50/50 care and support their child (which could be made difficult by the other parent) then the system needs to be realigned to something fairer.

There is already scope in the system for things to be fairer and better aligned. You go to court, you self rep, and say you want 50/50. Why not do that, @Daddycool2024?. Be proactive.
Then, when you get 50/50 care, the maintenance issue goes away. It’s really simple.
obviously you’d have to arrange and pay for childcare on your days and arrange your work so you can drop off and pick up in time. But it’s very doable.

The childcare costs alone even for 50/50 are likely to be more than the £400 he begrudgingly gives his ex. Plus everything else a child needs.

As we all know, he has a good deal here.

Yes he pays more than some men, doesn't make him a saint. It's not a race to the bottom and the bar is set so low.

He's just another man who wants to play the victim and does nothing about any of the injustices he claims there are.

Imagine at work being pulled up for half arsing it and using "I do more than Bob" as an excuse?

Jo - you’re missing the point entirely.

I have not complained about the £400 payment once! I have questioned what it’s used for when my son shows up in clothing too small?

If mum decides to relocate after we had a 50/50 care plan in place, why does the paying parent have to pick up the pieces?

what is stopping you going to court for a CAO?

But you don’t need to worry about that. Just revert to 50/50 and no maintenance payable. Why would you not do that if having to pay maintenance is causing such grief and you want to be a fully involved parent? Please don’t say “because I work Monday to Friday”. So it’s inconvenient and you’d have to drive to childcare - that’s life pal.

@Daddycool2024 stop sending me personal messages/ DMs . If you wish to reply to anything Ive posted on this thread, then do it on the thread.

Im not interested in having any private conversation with you, I have blocked you.

Because you made a ridiculous statement.

Your wording here suggests it’s something trivial I messaged. Screenshot attached.

I have not complained about the £400 payment once! I have questioned what it’s used for when my son shows up in clothing too small?

Have you even once considered the 400 might just not be enough? Once it goes towards keeping your son fed, warm, in a bed, hot water, a car seat, a buggy, coats and shoes, books and toys purchased, a bit towards council tax, a bit towards gas and elec etc.

You are a true example of someone who says ‘throw away’ comments when you injected yourself into the chat. When questioned, you decide to run from the conversation as you need others to try and back up your argument.

if you’re passionate about something, you wouldn’t care where the conversation is held.

I have not complained about the £400 payment once! I have questioned what it’s used for when my son shows up in clothing too small?

I don’t know what area you live, but where I live UC will pay £500 pcm.for a 1 bed flat, and £600 for 2 beds. However, a 2 bed flat costs £1k pcm so your ex would have to put the extra towards the rent herself. So in reality your £400 a month could just cover the cost of the extra bedroom your ex needs to provide for your DC, before any food, clothing, bills, or any other costs.

Not all men.....but probably him...

If a paying parent is willing to provide 50/50 care and support their child (which could be made difficult by the other parent) then the system needs to be realigned to something fairer.

Err - yes, I covered that... if you provide 50/50 care, then you're not required pay anything.. If you couldn't be bothered to get anything in writing and stamped by the court, then that's a you problem. I went to court and got everything signed and sealed. I made that effort, and as a result I have a fixed court ordered maintenance amount, and child contact arrangements.

that 400 you pay is for the time you're not spending with your child that she has to provide all the cover for. It's none of your business how it is spent, just as it's none of hers what you are doing with that time you're not spending with your child.

Well actually, you have complained that you have to pay this and then implied that she's pocketing it. We have all, multiple times, told you that it's pretty common for women to refuse to send their child in their good clothes because the NRP is supposed to provide when the child is with them. We've also pointed out, repeatedly, that a two year old in clothes that are a bit small is pretty common - they outgrow them so quickly, they develop favourites that they refuse to swap out no matter how small they get, they have managed to generate a pile of washing so big that there are only smaller clothes left etc etc.

But your story keeps changing. You have complained about the £400 and how hard this is for you. And how she has so much money becuase she gets the £400 and some childcare support and some universal credit.

Exactly right.

No it shouldn’t be common when I send him home in clothes/shoes that are big enough.

Yes, it was an observation I came to given what I see myself.

Please reference where I said £400 is difficult for me? I said that there is a certain expectation from paying parents and questioned when I should call it out? e.g. If i paid more than the £400, then that ‘expectation’ would only increase?

Once I achieve 50/50 by going to court, what’s the standard of living going to be like at this point?