Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

[bidoofisgod]

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

No it shouldn’t be common when I send him home in clothes/shoes that are big enough.

You have zero ability to consider anyone else's opinion do you? You disagree with her, sure. But lots of people don't. It is what it is.

I'm not searching your loads of messages but you have definitely whined about the imapct of this £400 on you.

Interesting @Daddycool2024 - I have 3. Adult/young adult now. Been apart from my exH since youngest was about 1.5. She is 16 now.

Eldest autistic and highly anxious middle would regularly get only wear clothing/shoes that was aged younger middle hated new shoes. Literally the only thing he would be openly distressed by).

Textures, colours, favourite characters, comfort from primary caregiver, etc take your pick. Is this a pattern of what you consider to be neglect or is it just letting a child wear something that they want because it brings them comfort?

Only you and your ex know that. My ex was of the opinion that our children should just do as they're told and wear what he told them, whereas my approach was "it might be a bit snug, but if you love it, it's clean, and it's nit restrictive, I'm happy if you're happy"

My ex and I haven't spoken in years. He also doesn't speak to our kids (his decision) - presumably because they voiced a preference and expressed unhappiness at how he dealt with their concerns.

I have no idea what your relationship with your kids is like. I hope you take your kids' preferences into consideration re clothes rather than imposing your own will just to make a point?

@Daddycool2024 you’ve leaned into this thread so tell us what you plan to do now. then, we can probably actually help you rather than it all descensing into fisticuffs.

Are you going for a CAO? Or considering negotiating 50/50 with your ex?

Forget the he said, she said. What do you want to achieve?

So in reality your £400 a month could just cover the cost of the extra bedroom your ex needs to provide for your DC, before any food, clothing, bills, or any other costs.

but the father also needs a house with an extra bedroom???

Of course, but they’re both additional costs borne from having a child. He was asking where the maintenance money goes.

Because they know that they can be lazy and useless and mum/wife/ex-wife etc will have to step up and do 100% of everything as mum obviously will not abandon her kids.

from the financial aspect; a lot of the time I think they do it to punish the mum but really it’s the children who suffer.

This. They hate women, more than they care about their children. They are fuming because you weren't obedient enough, they didn't get the wife that the patriarchy promised them. And they hate women. Did I mention they hate women?

If the other one is caring for a child 24/7, then yes.

In most cases, it is much more nuanced but if a parent is caring full time for a SN child, there is simply no opportunity for them to earn.

Hi, I'm a father here who pays child maintenance. I was tricked into having a child when I was 15 years old by an older teenager (she was 18) for years I've paid child maintenance and was never allowed contact because I moved away (I joined the army when I was 18) I'm now 34, married and have 6 children, I work hard, I'm not a deadbeat, I love my children and my wife, I pay 600 per month for my daughter, her mum was always VERY aggressive, when my daughter was 6 I was allowed contact but only at her house, as time grew she started coming to stay with me (she lives up north and I, down south) after years, I still drive up, pick her up, bring her down for the weekend and then bring her back and come back... it costs me a fortune and her mother doesn't help with the travel costs, she won't meet me halfway even though she drives... over the years I've experienced multiple layoffs, during this time the CSA OR CMS whatever they're called fraudulently rejected my letter of redundancy and racked up 8000 debt, I sent them bank statements proving I was paying maintenance during this period from savings, they rejected that too because the bank statements didn't say maintenance... I got over it... then my latest redundancy I rang her mother and said I'd pay direct as it'd be easier (the csa take a percentage for themselves too, basically forcing me to pay them for a service I don't want) after finding out the csa had been taking money from my new employment whilst I was also paying direct I rang them and their response was, we'll just take it off your debt, yet I still have 5 other children to provide for... they're inconsiderate towards fathers and treat us all like criminals, it was only recently from my daughters grandfather I found out that her grandmother was encouraging her mother to get pregnant with me for an easy life.

I've had a horrific experience with the csa, luckily I'm not a suicidal person because at points I've felt deflated, wrongly justified and attacked.. all the while paying 1200 a. Month in maintenance to be told I wasn't allowed it back. So yeah, just a friendly chime in from me, hope this helps you understand why men struggle with them.

Have a good day :)

My ex-husband is constantly being chased for Child Maintenance arrears. We ended in 2018, and he was off having the life of Riley with some rich woman he met on Tinder, when his business collapsed, leaving me and the children dealing with the bailiffs for his money issues. It was horrendous.

For years, he was paying a measly £30 a month for our two children, which is just an insult when he's a high-earning Tree Surgeon with a constant stream of work. Yet now I know he was going on holiday to places like New Zealand! I was raging with anger when I discovered that last year, another new partner of his called me, saying she saw red flags in him, and could I confirm why my marriage had ended, then she told me about the far-reaching holidays he had the past few years. Turns out, this new woman is well off, and he's constantly borrowing her money, which makes her suspect he's using her for her wealth. I, too, was pretty well off when I met him, yet by the time he had ruined our family stability, I was scraping by, going overdrawn every month to give our children the life and things they needed.

I then was with another man for 3 years, we had a nice life, and then money issues hit when he lost his job and expected me to meet all of his financial needs, when I had two kids and a large rental and my bills to pay, he was just as bad avading paying for his children, job hoping constantly to avoid paying, he owed £10.000 in arrears. Then the woman he monkey branched on to after me, when I wasn't meeting his financial needs, he was pictured in Mexico with her last year, and his children, now in their 20s, plus one younger child, were bloody livid as he's never paid maintenance for them. Some men are self-entitled and selfish.

Yet we are left dealing with the financial implications and the parental responsibility. My children are now teenagers and very lovely and decent well well-loved children who have never gone without. As I put them first and tried my best to give them a nice life. Even though we haven't had exotic holidays, I still take them away, and do nice things with them. I do regret who I married, and I do now, at 45, not sure I even like men anymore, as they are just selfish. Trying to raise my son to be caring and kind, unlike his father.

My ex clearly likes to tell people that I made him have children 😆. But he doesn't realise that I talk to some if them and they are happy to divulge and then we all laugh at it.

A lot of exes have no idea how expensive it is raising children. Especially on one income. They perceive if we are receiving benefits alongside our income we must be rolling in it which is simply absurd!

I think that a lot of them DO know how much it costs to raise children.

The internet is full of fathers claiming that they earn a modest wage but have to pay hundreds or even thousands each month for their kids. Now most of them are obviously lying, because there’s a very easy to use calculator online .

So for example, to be assessed as due to pay £637 / month for one child, you have to be earning £85,000 and have 3 or more other kids. That’s assuming that you NEVER have your own child to stay overnight.

And obviously a man who coudl afford to support his first child would be a feckless idiot to go on and have another 3.

Now the super easy way to reduce these allegedly HUGE bills is JUST HAVE YOUR OWN CHILD OVERNIGHT. Yet hardly of these dads choose to do this.

So I conclude that they know VERY WELL how much money time and effort it takes to raise kids. And they CHOOSE not to do so - they know they are getting a very good deal paying a relatively small amount to their ex in return for them being deadbeat dads.

When their words and their action conflict, I look at their actions . If being a single parent / a SAHP was such an easy and lucrative deal, there would be a lot more men doing it.

Most of these men are lazy, selfish and don't give a F*CK about their own children.

Because they are misogynistic and think children are your problem.

Absolutely you've put it well 👏

I get about £20/week.
DC's father brings in over £100k after tax, but has obviously engaged very good accountants to hide it
CMS are useless, at least so far

He doesn't see them ever
He knows exactly how much things cost
Some other women has shacked up with him though, so clearly some women are absolutely fine with men treating their kids this way
I've no doubt he's spun her a story that bears little resemblance to the truth, they all do this

This is the my circumstance where he earns and pays this amount, has three more children. He hasn’t contacted the child and the child has just turned 18 and this will be his last payment as he’s off to university. He’s not had a birthday or Christmas card in all that time. I’m solvent myself and was harassed by his family whilst he was a newborn for claiming as I “didn’t need it, I’m doing fine”. I ceased contact with his family as a result. It comes from the parents, they’re enabled believing it’s not their responsibility. Also even though I bought an expensive property this had been possible by my Mother gifting me money. Why should my Mother be the main contributor whilst the Father pays nothing?

If he’s a high earner, I’d go the court route.

You can’t go to court ( in the UK ) until the CMS have investigated and determined that the paying parent earns more than £156,000 PA. So if the PP is able to con the CMS ( which isn’t difficult as they are really stupid ), then you can’t do anything.

I know how it works but I was sure it was over £100k, however, it’s been a while since I considered a similar route (disabled child so different circs). It enrages me how inept the system is.