Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

[bidoofisgod]

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

You are here defending your bitterness and resentment.

I am here telling you that that will destroy your relationship with the son you love. It's already distanced you from him. You could easily put yourself on his nursery contacts so you are in touch with his day to day life and education, but you haven't.

He is two years old. Look at all the posts on this thread from adult children of fathers who felt resentful and bitter towards their mothers for paying child support. How many of them lost touch at 5yo, 12yo, 18yo and have little or no contact as adults?

Is that what you want for you and your son?

Is that what you want for you and your son?

He will pribs message his estranged son with "but your mum moved you nurseries when you were two"

No. I expect for us both to act in the best interests of our son.

Inappropriately dressing him, not notifying the nursery (when she evidently has before) of me, applying for collect and pay when I was out for a meal etc is not the way I saw co parenting. It’s common sense.

I feel it’s a deliberate act to make me feel less involved as now we’re not in a relationship.

is it expected for men to swallow things like this? After all he’s 2 and we have at least 14 years to go!

What's stopping you informing the nursery of your PR and asking to be put on the paperwork and be kept informed of everything?

You are, apparently, there once a week.

Or is a 5 minute conversation too much hassle?

Collect and Pay isn't an option unless there is evidence of not paying or not paying on time consistently (has to be several times not just once), or if there is evidence of domestic abuse or controlling/coercive behaviour.

If she has evidence you have been asking her to account for where the money is spent and how, this would be considered as using the child maintenance to exert controlling behaviour towards your ex, and this may be why she was able to request collect and pay.

How do you know we are all "single" parents here @Daddycool2024?

Correct. Takes 5 mins.

It’s an example of another barrier my ex has put in place on his application. I didn’t even know he was starting a new nursery until I had to collect him!

At the same time, she supplied my employer, NI number and contact details to CMS?

I have a right to question when she asked for additional assistance on top of the calculation cms asked for? Or I should just roll over?

Why is it a barrier when you can just do it yourself?

You're there weekly, according to you.

This is another example of you expecting your ex to do everything for your convenience and whining when she does anything for her own convenience.

I'm talking about collect and pay @Daddycool2024, not a variation request.

I don’t. Shouldn’t assume. You get the point I was trying to raise.

I think I misread you @Daddycool2024
But the system is collect and pay isn't just an option the receiving parent can pick- there has to be good reason for CMS to do this.

Come on!

if you are changing his nursery without notifying the father and then fail to provide their contact details - how would any parent take this?

Sorry but that is totally irrelevant. Please take your allegations on serious crime elsewhere.

It's not irrelevant, because you keep using DARVO, and this response to me calling out DARVO is so non sensical it's bordering on a word salad.

Yes, they asked me to provide evidence which I did! I had paid more than the required amount.

soon after I get an email saying they’ve withdrawn the application once I had uploaded all statements and demonstrated having him at the agreed times.

why am I having to defend trying to be a father?

She did notify you.

You pick him up every Friday, apparently.

So now on one of your many, many visits, you could just sort paperwork yourself.

It's far better to play victim about your mean ex though I guess.

Once he was in the new nursery (30 miles away), yes.

The way you're going, you'll be out of his life by the time he's 5yo. Spinning your tales of victimhood to new partners and making new children. Just like many of the dads talked about on this thread.

Stop making excuses. Stop blaming your Ex for your ignorance and lack of investment. If you feel she is not acting in his best interests, then you act in his best interests. Be it buying him a wardrobe for when he's with you, getting updates from his educators or getting 50/50 care, where you choose the nursery arrangements for when he's with you.

So, again, why don't you put your name on the paperwork and ask to be included in all communication when you're there every Friday?

And if its 30 miles away then it's obviously nearer to her, she does 9 out of the 10 nursery runs so she should choose the most convenient one for her. Do you expect her to travel a 60 mile round trip 9 times a week for your convenience?

My dad paid my mum 50p a week for me.

When I met him years later, I asked him. He denied it. But after he got dementia, my step mum had a clear out and she found the papers. She called me and told me it was true.

50p. He is rotting in a care home now. He reaped what he sowed!

I can't imagine what fresh hell it must've been, living with this man.

You see 5 minutes of your time, once a year as a barrier my ex has put in place?

Can you hear yourself?

@Daddycool2024 no one is asking you to defend being a father.

You stated your ex was going to go to collect and pay as she is bitter essentially as you went out for a meal with someone else.

I am explaining that collect and pay is only available in certain circumstances so I'm wondering how your ex came to have this as an option available to her?

Like I said it is only available if the NRP is a prolific late or non payer, or if there is evidence of abuse or controlling behaviour.

How would you feel having 50/50 custody of your child to find they are now 30 miles away?

yes, I will act accordingly to ensure I’m part of my sons life and do what’s needed. This is a small example of the expectation men have to prevail regardless of what they face.