Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

[bidoofisgod]

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

You don’t know the situation? How are you so opinionated on it and ready to shoot someone down?

expect CMS payments from a parent and attempt to exclude them from their child’s life?

You've told us the situation lots of times.

You're still the one in the wrong, even with your own bias version of events.

I know what you have told me. I know the law regarding parental responsibility, rights and educators.

You didn't bother your arse wrt your son's education, you're still not bothering your arse with your son's education. Why? Because you'd rather be resentful of your Ex than do what you're entitled to by Law, what you say you want to happen, and what's best for your son.

Can't let what's best for your son get in the way of your resentful, bitter feelings, eh?

Wasn’t she resentful for deliberately forgetting to add the other parent?

I’m the bad one for calling it out!

She did have to add you. You are on the birth certificate, the nursery already know who you are and your rights under law.

You want daily updates? Ask for them. It's that simple. You've chosen not to. That's on you.

Why have you sat on here for hours (on a Friday when you have your child no less) 'calling her out' for it rather than spending 5 minutes at pick up sorting it out?

It's her responsibility to make sure she's informed and up to date, it's your responsibility to ensure you're informed and kept up to date.

So why can I only collect him once they have confirmation from my ex?

If you have not noticed, it’s Christmas week. I picked him up on Sunday and took him home Wednesday. I’m collecting him on Saturday and taking him home on Monday…

how can I be informed if I didn’t know the nursery until after the event….

You can collect him at any time. You have PR. This has been explained to you multiple times on this thread. And you would know it if you'd have bothered to find out.

You change your story more than I change my socks.

You know about the nursery now, so go add your name to the paperwork when you're doing your regular pick up.

You need to change those socks more often I guess.

Thanks for all your time today.

HNY all.

You had him Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning? How wonderful!

Pity your bitterness and resentment got in the way of fully enjoying it.

I know, not bad for an ex who's trying to withold contact blah blah blah.

Yes, we had a great time.

As I’ve responded to this post, which looked for an honest answer… apparently the day was filled with bitterness and I’m a terrible parent 😂

it’s ok for everyone else to come on here and ‘resent’ their ex’s on shortfalls regarding their parenting but to question what CMS is used for is a deemed too much? Paying parents have no right to understand.

I’ve had him more than 2 days this week, should I run to CMS and ask for a recalculation?

Surprised you haven't already tbh.

I have already thanked you for your honest answer. It confirms the previous posts of the many single mothers and adult children who grew up in single parent households.

And you're right, it's OK to sometimes feel resentful or exasperated wrt the shortfalls of your child's co-parent. What is not OK is feeling resentful for doing what your child needs, because of the other parent and blaming that parent for your own lack of action.

I need to catch up on this tomorrow

The 50/50 care was taken away due to mums life choices (relocating) making it unrealistic to have shared custody when he’s at nursery so why is it fair that now a father pays?

Dude - there are lots of ways to do 50/50 - one week on/one week off for example is common - then your child can go to nursery near you for his weeks on.

Being a parent is tough, putting your child first. I don't live where I would want to, I don't have the job I would like, because I have to put the children first, so some things are impossible. You don't want to make changes yourself, like move to be closer, or change your job so you could take him in the week, but instead you want to control your ex. with minimum effort - you could get yourself added to the nursery, you could go to court and get fixed contact, but you haven't bothered to do any of that, you just complain.

This whole nursery stuff makes me laugh (and made my barrister laugh) - my ex wanted me to forward on all the emails from school to him too, rather than just asking the school to add him to their mailing list.....

The whole thing with @Daddycool2024 is ridiculous full stop. Imagine if he took his issues to court?

• "my ex moved my child nursery and didn't give them my contact details"

Answer "you have PR, tell them yourself. You know where the child goes to nursery"

• "my ex sends my child in old clothes, too small"

Answer "clothing your child on your time is your responsibility"

• "my ex doesn't work, she's a sponge, but I can only have my child on weekends as I work Monday-Friday"

Answer "bit of a double standard that"

• "my ex lets her sister babysit and my son sleeps on a sofa. I want my son at his own house in his bed given I pay maintenance and contribute towards his home life"

Answer- "you have no control over mums arrangements in her time, this is her choice and part of normal family life"

The ONLY potentially legitimate gripe @Daddycool2024 has here is that his ex has moved away by the sounds (may have that wrong).

In that case he should have gone to family court immediately and had the issue sorted.

As others have said, it's not actually expensive and plenty of people represent themselves (this is actually more common),

But he wants to claim WRONGLY that his sponge of an ex will get legal aid (she won't unless there is abuse), and poor victim him will have to pay for solicitors.

I actually think from his posts, that there is an element of controlling and coercive behaviour towards his ex.

@jo7113 I must admit if the show was on the other foot , if I was paying very good maintenance ( and I don't mean the £50 a month level that some seem to pay - if anything) I would feel a bit miffed too if my child seemed to be neglected in any way and it was made hard for me to have any say

Morning Jo,

The bottom line of our chat is that I WANT to be a father and willing to pay what is required to ensure he has the best upbringing.

I explained my scenario (of which, I was unaware of some of the processes) with the aim of providing clarity on the steps a paying parent takes to remain in contact with their child.

Your reference family counts etc which is the final stage of any disagreements between parents - We were adult enough to bring a child into the world so why do we need such a long winded process when I’m WILLING to support my son?

Have a great weekend.

I think it is great that you want to regularly see your child and provide for him BUT you are only giving £400/month and seem to think that covers all his needs when it's actually the taxpayer is funding most of them. £400 does not cover food, rent, clothing, etc. for a month for an extra person, does it?

You are correct, the system IS broken and will remain broken until CM covers the actual cost of raising a child. Imagine how much more it would cost you to have him 50/50 and be paying for half his childcare costs, half his clothing and food costs... your ex would have more money as she could work and get a mortgage too but you would be considerably worse off if the system was truly equal.

I think it is great that you want to regularly see your child and provide for him BUT you are only giving £400/month and seem to think that covers all his needs when it's actually the taxpayer is funding most of them. £400 does not cover food, rent, clothing, etc. for a month for an extra person, does it?

Just a reminder that the maintenance payment is not supposed to cover all a child’s needs, because both parents should be contributing. So if, hypothetically, both parents have (and pay for) their own houses, and pay for the child’s needs when he/she is with them, then surely the maintenance payment is a top up payment designed to help the parent who has the child for the most days per week, or whatever arrangement is in place?