How do other lone parents manage with lack of intimacy

[WinterSnowFox]

So I’m ok being alone but how do other lone parents manage with lack of sex? I guess we are not all spending years celibate? Do most single mums have a fwb? It’s been 7 YEARS for me and it’s been hard! (I’m only 35) Not for lack of interest just lack of opportunity/ no time alone. It’s not just sex I also miss kissing and hugging and general intimacy.

It wasn’t meant for another woman you clearly chose to decide it was… perhaps some jealousy that my ex is still interested? He said it was for me and that he hasn’t been with anyone else since me so stop making things up

Hahaaa of course he said that! 🙄

The astonishing part is that you believe him. And regardless, that you would even contemplate having sex with a man who left you when pregnant, cannot be bothered to see his children, cannot be bothered to sort out somewhere to live where they can stay with him, left you to raise four children alone, but apparently would find the time to come over to have sex with you. And you're prepared to do this with your children in the house who will doubtless realise and be confused and upset.

I did notice you didn't respond to my question early on about whether it was the same poster asking the same question for the 4th or 5th time now. This thread is pointless just like the others: you ignore all advice, reject every possible solution and only respond positively to validation of your weird plan to shag a loser who has no respect for you or your children.

Ex sounds like a good option. Safe, easy, familiar. But if he's a bit useless and can't look after his kids (but happily lets you do it all) then it's a bit weird him just coming for sex and flouncing off.

Also, if he's been shitty in the past, why would meant to give him pleasure? So he wins.
...Doesn't have to look after the children properly, stops you dating other men, and has access to you sexually.

And he can once again bounce when it suits him and you're left with his four children.

Yes isn’t that what couples do? 😂 oh the horror how do you think we made them? We didn’t have nannies that came in and took them overnight, will somebody think of the children!

You are not a couple. You're risking really messing up your children.

Well obviously.

That's why you get to know someone first.

They won’t know as they will be asleep they are use to their father sleeping over he use to sleep over all the time as he wasn’t able to take them to his so he slept on the sofa, he last slept over in the summer on the sofa. It’s not unusual for the kids to see him sleep over as they know he lives far away.

In that case your entire thread is based on a false premise: he can stay there and look after the children/ stay over while you go out on dates with men who haven't left you when pregnant and barely bothered to have any involvement in raising their children practically or financially. Perhaps you'd meet someone who isn't lazy, selfish and useless.

When he slept over in the summer he invited me down to watch a movie with him when the kids were in bed, I’m sure something could have happened then but I said no. I’m not desperate I’ve just come to the realisation I can’t meet anyone else so it could be a temporary thing till I’m in a position to not even regular! He has slept over loads of times I just didn’t like it
so had to put a stop to it.

9 years here.

Nope I don’t miss it -in that sense. I have loads of friends who hug me both physically and in person. I have two amazing child that hug and kiss me a lot and three loving dogs who love me and fight to sit next to me 😂
I work full time and I’m doing homework / investing in my children in my evenings and other stuff.

I don’t have time to go to some man’s house just for sex or shudder him to come to mine. That’s my idea of hell. I don’t want anyone in my bed especially when the kids are around.

I’m 50 so pregnancy is a no for me (gone through the menopause) but ten years ago I was very very worried about pregnancy. Just nope.

I Would potentially love a kind, reliable, intelligent and warm and loving partner. But most men I’ve met for a date are just up themselves. Online dating wise - I have rules. If they don’t reply with a question about me or something that leads the conversation I just stop. Eg I might ask - how are you? What have you been up to this weekend? If he replies I’m great and have been out for a bike ride. … and just leaves it there I just don’t reply. I want someone who wants to connect. But if that doesn’t happen and I don’t want someone in and out of my children’s lives / I don’t invest in someone not wanting to invest. I don’t want to go from one meaningless relationship to the next. Or just sex - but I’ve never been like that.

I would also never ever have sex with an ex.

Eldest and I (she’s nearly 18) are very very close and I can see us hiring a motor home and setting off across American on an adventure etc She’s not had a selection of men in and out of our lives and hopefully I have taught her great boundaries and how to be expected to be treated and also that I am enough and they are enough.

if it happens I meet someone great 👍 but if not I intend to grow my mind, keep my health etc orgasms I can do myself!

Do you do activities with your kids. I paddle board, play tennis, am member of a local am dram group with mine etc so we do stuff together so I don’t need to baby sit them. My youngest is 10 and in 4 years he won’t need me to be in so I might go out more.

In that case let him see the children at your house then you can go out on dates. Your claim it is impossible for you to date is clearly nonsense. You just want an excuse for having sex with him but while trying to justify that insane plan you've contradicted yourself about it being impossible to date other people.

Who exactly are you trying to kid?

You've pined after this person who can't be bothered to speak to you most months, for seven years now.

Or was the recent post where you were umming and ahhhing about getting back with him, just fiction? It's just bizarre that you can't see he's not getting back with you ever. It's been seven years. He's moved further away from you.

It is, as one poster put, astonishing. Nothing stopping him from being with you now, or the last seven years. And yet the man who loves you so deeply chooses not too, and that doesn't seem to alert you as odd. Managed to be with several other women though...

That’s the difference I think, I’m 35 so feel to young to live a sexless existence

Yet many single parents have also said on this thread they found it too challenging to date

None of the posters who said that have their children's father willing to spend the day/ evening or even stay overnight with the children and you have just stated that your children's father will. So you have no issue with being able to go out.

I really feel for you. You probably could make dating work, the issue is you've been so badly burned by your ex, you can't imagine ever allowing another person even the tiniest opportunity to do the same, you'd rather never meet anyone again than risk "ex version 2."

I was the same. Not even looking when I meet DH. I was having an occasional night out with friends to improve my mental health. You will feel that spark again, it is possible. Just let it all go naturally, at your own speed.

Why can't he sleepover and babysit? He doesn't even have to do anything!

This man is so useless. Please listen to @WillYouPutYourCoatOn

If he’s going to be coming over for sex perhaps he could then stay on and mind the kids while you meet a friend or go out and do something for yourself - walk, gym, cinema or whatever you enjoy.

This is one of the grimmest lines I've had to read here.

Christ. 'Let's have sex (you feckless man who has messed me & kids around, then please as a reward can I have a bit of time to go for a coffee?' 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Yet many single parents have also said on this thread they found it too challenging to date

Yes. Because we don't have an ex that will stay with our DC while we do so.

I was the same. Not even looking when I meet DH. I was having an occasional night out with friends to improve my mental health. You will feel that spark again, it is possible. Just let it all go naturally, at your own speed.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn

That's lovely - thank you! It's great to think this is a possibility!

OP men are definitely around during the day for a shag. There are sex workers who only work during school hours. I'm not suggesting you do that! It's just proof that there are men free for sex. TBH most men will find a way to be free for sex.

I'm totally with you on it being hard for you. Some people really don't get how boxed in not having a network can make you feel and how exhausting it is, which in turn makes doing all the things that build a network even harder. Vicious circle.

I imagine actually most women would if they let their ex stay in their house, it’s just most women obviously don’t allow that! And anyway no I don’t want to leave him in my house without me as he has previously gone through my stuff when I use to do this. Also I don’t actually think he would stay here if I wasn’t here, when he use to come to see the kids I use to stay in my bedroom to give them space and he said he wasn’t coming again if I was going to do that so no I don’t think he would agree to come here whilst I went out dating!

Your ex used to go through your stuff when you weren't there and you still want to have sex with him?

Move on! He's not worth it/you.

Also it's now very convenient that you've found a reason why he can't come to your place to look after your shared kids while you go out "dating"

A) he doesn't need to know. You are going out with friends
B) what a controlling prick
C) this is the Prince of men you are willing to have sex with?

Sheesh.

Sorry op, you can't even trust him to look after his own kids in your house, he won't let you date... this is so tiring just to read.

Both of you need to sort yourselves out, or you're going to have to live with the status quo. Just you. Because he's not affected by any of this.

It’s not a reason not to date, if he could or would take them I would have met someone years ago! This is only temporary for the next couple of years once my children can be left alone for a bit.

You are basically saying "it's sex with my ex or no-one" (for a few years)

For a few years I'd take no-one every single time.

You say you miss intimacy as well as sex. Nothing about what you've written about this man suggests meaningful intimacy.