How do other lone parents manage with lack of intimacy

[WinterSnowFox]

So I’m ok being alone but how do other lone parents manage with lack of sex? I guess we are not all spending years celibate? Do most single mums have a fwb? It’s been 7 YEARS for me and it’s been hard! (I’m only 35) Not for lack of interest just lack of opportunity/ no time alone. It’s not just sex I also miss kissing and hugging and general intimacy.

Are you a lone parent with no family and more than one child? These suggestions work with one child I guess but no my kids are never all out of the house at the same time! Just wondered if anyone was in a similar situation and how they cope with it not being told it’s entirely possible to date as a lone parent it’s quite frankly impossible unless you have heaps of family support or a very involved ex!

Are you the same poster who posted about the several times over the last few months? I feel like I am having deja vu. That poster kept asking this same question in multiple threads and when others responded with many suggestions shot down every single one and continued to claim it was impossible.

I am a lone parent with no family help and it certainly wouldn't be impossible for me to date if I wanted to. I'd rather spend my free time out with friends, personally. I have had nannies stay overnight before. They usually charge around £50 for the night hours because they are asleep for most of it. Obviously you get to know them well before you do that but you wouldn't need to stay out overnight immediately to go on dates! Just a couple of hours of babysitting. You could ask friends with teenage children if they would babysit if you want to keep costs lower than using a professional, since it is just sitting there while they sleep not actual childcare.

Ultimately you either use paid childcare or develop friendships and swap favours/ sleepovers with people. If you refuse to use any of the available options then obviously you won't be able to do it. And if your ex is so useless and has left you in this situation I'm astonished that the idea of having sex with him doesn't churn your stomach, aside from how confusing that would be for your children.

I also don’t want to spend £80 on babysitters for a first date to meet men off OLD who certainly aren’t worth that money

You don't have to go out for a whole evening with someone for a first date!! Inadvisible anyway. You just meet somewhere for a quick coffee during school hours or while kids are at clubs etc. If the person works during the day they may be able to meet you for coffee during their breaks. It seems every suggestion you shoot down so no, if you won't use any of the means available then obviously it won't happen!

And if it's about cost of babysitting then perhaps a good focus is career progression. That way you'll have more disposable income and more options for childcare. What are your options to get promotion/ move jobs for a higher salary? Who looks after them now while you work? Often nursery staff/ childminders will do babysitting in the evenings if you ask so that it is someone you trust and who at least knows the youngest children who they care for/ used to care for if they are older now.

I wouldn’t pay £80 for a babysitter even if I had it 😅 glad you managed it but lots of others have commented to say they found it too difficult.

Managed what? I specifically stated I am not interested in dating. 🤣 It is perfectly possible though, if I wanted to do it. Of course it is more of a logistical exercise than for childless people or people who co-parent but posters have suggested a wide variety of ways that you can make it work so it's up to you whether you choose to. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ok well it’s difficult unless you have heaps of money to throw at the problem but others have also expressed they couldn’t afford/ keep up with it.

And I don’t know any lone parents who have managed to date using paid for professional sitters either as that’s not realistic for most people back in the real world so my options are either wait till my son is old enough to baby sit 3/4 years, or ex.

@InfraredMarbles sone of us don't have the money to pay for baby sitters/night nanny's.

I do have friends with DC, but they have different clubs, have 2 kids (so they don't all fit in the car) have their own lives. We help each other out in emergencies if we can.

Family live 30 miles away and are elderly.

Really, don't assume that because it's possible for you, that everyone else is in the same boat.

I camn just about manage the occasional night out with friends (literally, 3 times a year)

Would you/your kids enjoy a regular sleepover with friends? Because you could set eg a regular Friday night sleepover at yours for each child and arrange swaps with their parents, eg a regular Sat night. It’s a lot logistically as you’ve 4 and need to find the magic combo of children yours like whose families also need date nights or socialising for their kids, but possible, and if you were willing to do it on a regular basis would become part of your routine and the other families’ routines, so the logistics would get easier.

Who said anything about "heaps if money"? 
Per my posts, initial dates would usually be 30 mins to an hour for a coffee, surely, not an evening out or an overnight stay. And yes, if money is the issue preventing you dating and you really want to then focus on how you can increase your earnings so that you can. Everybody has to make trade offs between what is affordable, studying/ working more and sacrificing family time so that they can fund their necessities and work towards funding their particular priorities as well. Obviously it is harder on one income but ultimately either you decide this is a priority and work towards establishing a support network/ increasing your finances so that it is affordable or you decide that it isn't worth the effort of doing that and wait it out. Nobody can decide that for you because it is up to you.

@Illbefinejustbloodyfine I haven't assumed everyone is in the same boat. My children have no contact with their father and we live hundreds of miles from family who have never looked after them. Unfortunately some of us must manage alone and it is harder of course. My point is that it is pointless the OP making threads asking for solutions if when posters suggest many different solutions that she could work towards even if they are not available immediately and she rejects every single one without considering what steps she could make to make them workable them of course nothing will change until her children are older.

II wasn’t asking for solutions as only I know my situation I was asking how other people COPE with the LONELINESS. Some of the suggestions won’t work for my situation that isn’t “shooting them down” I can’t hold sleepovers my kids already share a room and we don’t have beds or space for them how is that shooting people down it’s just a fact. Was asking how others cope with the loneliness of it all 🤷‍♀️

I would use your ex for sex for sure so long as there are firm boundaries in place and you can keep emotion out of it. He might as well be useful for something eh?!

I suppose that if they feel lonely they consider the solutions to the problem and take steps to solve these as posters have suggested so that they can date again. Or they decide to suck up feeling lonely until their children are older. Or they fill their lives with other things and fulfilling friendships etc and are so busy with work and children that they're unlikely to feel lonely because they have hardly any time to themselves anyway. I can't see any other realistic options beyond these three obvious ones: change the situation to make dating possible, wait, or find other things to give you fulfilment.

I think you are right. Nothing to lose! Definitely firm boundaries.

I guess people recognise that loneliness is really, really hard, and that if there is a way that can be found to make space in your life for connection, it’s worth it, as coping without is so hard. But maybe you just wanted to be heard, which is totally reasonable. Sorry if my suggestion felt like a pressure.

I cope by trying to keep busy with other things - work/kids/house/friends etc. I try not to dwell on it too much and tell myself there is plenty of time once the kids are older. I do what I can to focus on the positive things in my life (not always easy). I will probably look at dating in the next year or so as I’ll be able to leave the kids for short periods then. But I don’t hold out much hope from OLD as I’m fussy and also not everyone wants a girlfriend with pre-teen/teen kids who is rarely free.

I think this is risky. What if children see the "closeness" and think parents are getting back together.

I'd avoid ex because of the DC.

OP get yourself a vibrator for the orgasm and a regular massage for a different sort of human contact.

It seems like quite a lot of options won't work for you atm.

No they won’t see any closeness! I’m not a touchy person anyway so wouldn’t be acting any different than I usually do. I’ve decided it’s the best option for now till they are old enough to be left alone. So going to go for it. There’s only so much “self pleasure” you can do before it gets seriously boring 😂 i was even eyeing up the delivery guy the other day 7 years celibate at 35 is a long long time I’m not made of stone 🫣 my ex will do for now

I agree it’s hard OP. I’m only 1.5 years in and already miss sex / intimacy. At some point when my children are slightly older and more willing to be left with a babysitter I’ll probably try some kind of FWB arrangement. I’m lucky in that I can throw a bit of money at it if need be though there’ll probably be some guilt in using money that could have been used for the children so I can go out.

Are you sure about sleeping with your ex though? I did this once shortly after we broke up and regretted it. I think it’s going to be hard to keep it emotionless and uncomplicated- my overwhelming emotion would be resentment that I was sleeping with him mostly because he won’t look after his children for enough time to enable me to sleep with someone else!

You were looking for permission to sleep with your ex!

I think it's a bad idea with DC at the ages yours are.

How on earth will you manage the logistics of having sex with him if you can't manage it with someone else?

Honestly if it was for the fact I'm against buying sex I'd be suggesting you did that.

Because he is there father so not inviting a weird stranger to the house? No different to couples having sex with their kids at home?!

Thank you, glad it’s not just me. Obviously some people aren’t bothered by sex and that’s fine! I was fine the first few years as He left when I was pregnant so I was just busy raising kids and having a young baby didn’t even cross my mind really for about 5 years 😂 but as they’ve got older and times gone on I’ve started to miss it within the last couple of years. I suppose there is no commitment I can try it and if it doesn’t feel right or I just change my mind then don’t have to continue but after so many years willing to give it a go but I can always change my mind as I said so no commitment.

But you aren't a couple so of course it's different! Plus if you have the privacy to have sex with him in your house...with a bit of effort you'd have the flexibility to have sex with someone new...not an ex.

He's an ex for a reason

The DC could catch wind of it and end up excited by the possibility of you getting back together and then end up being upset.

You have said you don't just want sex, that you want intimacy too - looking backwards at an ex is not a good idea for the intimacy element.

Yet if I was to invite men to my house for sex whilst my kids slept upstairs I would be called an awful parent? 🤔

I haven’t read all the replies but how can you find time for your ex who doesn’t have your children but can’t find time for sex for someone who might actually want it with you. This is presuming he is the children’s father?