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Lone parents

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Original poster

Activities - who should pay?

228 replies

DragonBoots · 20/05/2022 15:07

I'm a single mum, with two teenage kids. I am the resident parent, and the ex sees the kids EOW. He doesn't see them during the week because of his work commitments and distance from his house.

Recently, Ex has been badgering me to enroll the kids in after school activities. Trouble is they've tried several clubs in the past and given up after a few goes. My DD has now decided she desperately wants to join a sports club, as it's something she's decided she really wants to get into and some of her mates have joined - I think ex has been working on her because it's a sport he used to be involved in so no doubt he's persuaded her to want to try it. I have no doubt she will give up on it after a few sessions, like she has before. Ex has been complaining that the DCs are overweight and says that joining clubs is a good way to and limit their screen time, as if it's that easy to force them to go.

I work full time, and once I've completed work and household chores I'm rarely free until the evening to ferry them around to clubs. I need my down time after working all day. I've explained this to ex, and he has suggested I pay for a taxi to take DD to her club if I can't drive her. I've told him this is simply not an option within my budget.

My child maintenance of £740/month makes it difficult enough to balance my household budget whilst feeding and clothing two growing teenagers. I've explained to them that sometimes they can't have everything they want. However, ex thinks that I should be paying for these clubs and providing transport from my own funds.

Surely he should be paying for them to go if he really wants them to?

OP posts:
RedPlumbob · 21/05/2022 07:55

Yeah, that old distance chestnut that bare minimum Dads often wheel out to avoid their responsibilities.

liveforsummer · 21/05/2022 07:56

That's why I said I expect not that I know - I know all about low paid jobs as I have one. I receive around 1/8 of what op does in maintenance and live in an expensive city. I do all I can to make sure my dc get as many activities as I possibly can because their dad is shit and doesn't bother. I know I shouldn't have to but as a pp said if I didn't no one would and I don't want that die my dc.

RedPlumbob · 21/05/2022 08:02

liveforsummer · 21/05/2022 07:56

That's why I said I expect not that I know - I know all about low paid jobs as I have one. I receive around 1/8 of what op does in maintenance and live in an expensive city. I do all I can to make sure my dc get as many activities as I possibly can because their dad is shit and doesn't bother. I know I shouldn't have to but as a pp said if I didn't no one would and I don't want that die my dc.

I mean, I agree to an extent - I have 3DC, one is disabled and is really struggling at the moment, so despite my recently acquired degree, my wage is no higher than before as I’m freelancing and can’t work many hours.

Mine would also do nothing if not for me, but the two eldest are teens now and capable of walking/bussing to and from themselves. It’s 8am on a Saturday and I’m sat outside my youngests dance school, where I’ll be for the next hour whilst she does ballet, followed by gymnastics this afternoon (in the opposite direction) all done via bus.

Weekends are the only time I have available for clubs and it means I’m on the go every day of the week whilst he lazes about doing naff all.

Trying to reason with my ex is like screaming into the void - pointless. But the OP is getting a hard time whilst her ex is allowed to say “soz, I’m too far away” and that’s fine.

sashh · 21/05/2022 08:04

How much pocket money do they get?

I think I would up their pocket money, but expect them to pay for any clubs, that way you will see how much they want to do the club.

Taxis are another matter but if her school friends are going could you do a rota of parents to take them, or offer petrol money to another parent.

Is there a reason your DC can't catch a bus?

GrazingSheep · 21/05/2022 08:04

How much will it cost to get taxis there and back? And how much is the club costing?

Superslide · 21/05/2022 08:06

The CM isn't only for food and clothing is it? It's for the cost of putting a roof over their heads, the extra lighting, internet, birthdays, Christmas, holidays, pocket money... It's for their general living expenses.

Yes, he gives alot of money but he clearly earns alot if money if he has to pay that in maintenance.

The OP sounds like an exhausted single mum to me, handling the lion's share of the upbringing. Who is he to decide that the OP should do x, y and z on her time?

However, it is good for the kids to have a hobby.

In the OP's position, I would offer a compromise. I would agree to pay for the club if the Dad pays for the taxi or drives the child himself. If he's that keen for the child to do the club and genuinely interested in supporting the child (particularly with the concern over the weight) then he will do that. If he won't agree to that then it sounds like he's using this as a stick to beat the Mum with.

amylou8 · 21/05/2022 08:10

I smell a reverse. Your ex can spend the maintenance money as she feels fit, you don't get to dictate that. You can only see your kids EOW because of your commitments, yet you expect her to juggle them 12 days out of 14 around hers. You then have the audacity to criticise the job she's doing. How about taking on bit more of the parenting yourself.

Seraphinesupport · 21/05/2022 08:13

Sorry but I pay bills, rent, clothe and feed 2 kids on just universal credit and child benefit (£1200 in total) , no CM and I get by just fine, you can send a kid to after school activities surely!!! 740 plenty!! kids shouldn't need more than £40 a week food budget per child and clothing shouldn't be bought every month anyway but maybe £250 every 2- 3 months at most so where's the other few hundred going????

Even on my measly £1200 a month my kids go to 2 different clubs.

RedPlumbob · 21/05/2022 08:19

Seraphinesupport · 21/05/2022 08:13

Sorry but I pay bills, rent, clothe and feed 2 kids on just universal credit and child benefit (£1200 in total) , no CM and I get by just fine, you can send a kid to after school activities surely!!! 740 plenty!! kids shouldn't need more than £40 a week food budget per child and clothing shouldn't be bought every month anyway but maybe £250 every 2- 3 months at most so where's the other few hundred going????

Even on my measly £1200 a month my kids go to 2 different clubs.

With all due respect, if you don’t work, you have no clue how exhausting full time work is as a single parent.

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 08:25

RainbowMum11 · 21/05/2022 02:45

How can you say that?
You don’t know the circumstances - his income, what the maintenance covers (could include school fees or living in a particular area for the kids schools etc)
it’s not up to anyone else to say he is already paying more than he should when you don’t know the details of their situation.
i know £740 is a lot of money and a lot more than many many other lone parents get - I am one too, but you don’t know the circumstances and agreement enough to comment that she ‘receives enough CM to cover everything’, especially if the DF is that interested and involved with his kids.

i agree after school clubs and interests can be really good for kids, especially if all they would do otherwise is hide away and playing games, but at the same time, the parents should discuss the arrangements and funding between them to facilitate an interest rather than pushing it via a child.

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Hold up there, I didn’t say it was more than he should, I said it was more than enough to feed and clothe two children, which it is.

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 08:28

cptartapp · 21/05/2022 07:31

The money he pays doesn't cover it.
£370 for 26 days 24/7 care is £14 a day! As you are covering an extra eleven days childcare for him every month (he does four days a month despite being responsible for 15) he's massively shortchanging you. Overnight childcare would be very expensive for him, you're doing eleven of his days for free.
That's without all the food, petrol etc etc. So no, the money doesn't cover it.
If he was that bothered he'd do 50/50, save his measly £370 and sort and pay for it himself.

She’s not a carer, or nanny, she’s their mother. Your calculation has nothing to do with what the maintenance is to cover.

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 08:31

Children's expenses aren't limited to feeding and clothing them (as all parents know). Why should an NRP's responsibility only extend that far, when it wouldn't be acceptable for an RP to provide food and adequate clothing but refuse to spend money on anything else, including school trips, sports equipment, birthday parties etc.?

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 08:33

amylou8 · 21/05/2022 08:10

I smell a reverse. Your ex can spend the maintenance money as she feels fit, you don't get to dictate that. You can only see your kids EOW because of your commitments, yet you expect her to juggle them 12 days out of 14 around hers. You then have the audacity to criticise the job she's doing. How about taking on bit more of the parenting yourself.

I agree, it sounds as though they would be better off living with their father who seems to care more about their health and well-being.

ittakes2 · 21/05/2022 08:35

How much is this club? Why don't you go 50/50? Or drive her - I know its tiring but she is a teen so it won't be forever.

ittakes2 · 21/05/2022 08:35

and maybe you can lift share with her other friends parents so it won't be every week?

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 08:42

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 08:33

I agree, it sounds as though they would be better off living with their father who seems to care more about their health and well-being.

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I wonder if their father would welcome that and if having to balance his children and their schedules with his busy, important job would work for him, like it has to work for the OP.

Presumably it's always up to him to move closer to the kids' school and go for 50/50?

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 08:46

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 08:28

She’s not a carer, or nanny, she’s their mother. Your calculation has nothing to do with what the maintenance is to cover.

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Isn't the point that outsourcing parenting duties to others is usually very expensive?

It's only NRPs who are able to do so on the cheap. So quibbling about the cost of a taxi here and there is quite unbecoming when they're already getting a good deal on their share of child-related costs.

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 08:49

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 08:46

Isn't the point that outsourcing parenting duties to others is usually very expensive?

It's only NRPs who are able to do so on the cheap. So quibbling about the cost of a taxi here and there is quite unbecoming when they're already getting a good deal on their share of child-related costs.

Show quote history

No, the point here is that some posters have taken the story of a man trying to get his wife to work with him to help their daughter is being painted as a bad parent, which is not surprising but is still quite sad.

The idea that the parent who has them for fewer days but pays a lot to support them must be in the wrong and has no say in what they do is abhorrent.

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 08:54

The idea that the parent who has them for fewer days but pays a lot to support them must be in the wrong and has no say in what they do is abhorrent.

He does have a say in what they do. The OP is perfectly willing for her DD to go to this sports club if he sorts it out.

What he doesn't have a right to do is to spend the OP's time and money for her. That's being controlling. He has no say in what the OP does.

ElspethBoomingHowsen · 21/05/2022 08:58

If her friends go, could she not get a lift with a friend to save the taxi fee? I’m sure the other parent wouldn’t mind.

How expensive is this club?

Starlightstarbright1 · 21/05/2022 09:03

There are a few things that stand out here...

Firstly i don't like ex saying what maintenance should be spent on however he also does have a point.

Your Dc are overweight.. it is a concern. I am a lp and so my teen can binge on food when i am not in so far less junk food is kept in the house, i leave healthier snacks in the house ,easy grab so he eats better ( not overweight but I am bothered about his diet.)

The time issue get teens to help with housework - give them jobs to help gives you more time.. we do family tidy up.. If Ds actually helps.. he is done in half hour if not he carries on helping.

I also have no idea of your financial situation but you maintenance is over half my monthly wage.. look at what you are actually spending money on. I pay for my ds to go to the gym and tutoring because i consider them important.

How far away is activity ?

I would be encouraging my child to try anything for away from the x box time..

BonnesVacances · 21/05/2022 09:10

amylou8 · 21/05/2022 08:10

I smell a reverse. Your ex can spend the maintenance money as she feels fit, you don't get to dictate that. You can only see your kids EOW because of your commitments, yet you expect her to juggle them 12 days out of 14 around hers. You then have the audacity to criticise the job she's doing. How about taking on bit more of the parenting yourself.

This. I don't know if it's a reverse, but OP is getting a hard time here. The DD has 2 parents. His responsibility as a parent doesn't stop when he transfers the maintenance money to OP. It doesn't absolve him of everything else.

cakebytheoceon · 21/05/2022 09:12

To be honest I do think you get a very fair amount of maintenance to cover this x

Springandsummerarecoming · 21/05/2022 09:23

I think she should try the club. You do get a lot of maintenance and I think you should pay too. It would be different if you were getting a poor amount like you see on here a lot. Also if she’s overweight it will really benefit her. Even without being overweight it would be nice for her to go and be with her friends on a Friday night. I’m sure you can spend one evening ferrying her around. It’s not much.

stanfi · 21/05/2022 09:29

Parents argue: kids loose out.
She's overweight and shown interest in exercise. Unless you are struggling to eat and pay energy bills, you should be putting your daughter's health first and signing her up.

If you want to continue arguing about who pays fine, but sign her up now.