Activities - who should pay?

[DragonBoots]

I'm a single mum, with two teenage kids. I am the resident parent, and the ex sees the kids EOW. He doesn't see them during the week because of his work commitments and distance from his house.

Recently, Ex has been badgering me to enroll the kids in after school activities. Trouble is they've tried several clubs in the past and given up after a few goes. My DD has now decided she desperately wants to join a sports club, as it's something she's decided she really wants to get into and some of her mates have joined - I think ex has been working on her because it's a sport he used to be involved in so no doubt he's persuaded her to want to try it. I have no doubt she will give up on it after a few sessions, like she has before. Ex has been complaining that the DCs are overweight and says that joining clubs is a good way to and limit their screen time, as if it's that easy to force them to go.

I work full time, and once I've completed work and household chores I'm rarely free until the evening to ferry them around to clubs. I need my down time after working all day. I've explained this to ex, and he has suggested I pay for a taxi to take DD to her club if I can't drive her. I've told him this is simply not an option within my budget.

My child maintenance of £740/month makes it difficult enough to balance my household budget whilst feeding and clothing two growing teenagers. I've explained to them that sometimes they can't have everything they want. However, ex thinks that I should be paying for these clubs and providing transport from my own funds.

Surely he should be paying for them to go if he really wants them to?

And sadly the OP is sadly using his inability to change anything to refuse to help her daughter with her weight issues.

It’s utterly amazing to me that this poor man wanting his wife to help the daughter, using the money he pays for this, is being cast as the bad guy.

That’s in direct contradiction to what us happening here though. He’s trying to get involved and get their mother to help, but her “me time” is apparently more important.

Seriously, I would be doing anything to cut down on the crap and screens and facilitate more wholesome activity. So I think you need to readjust your priorities somewhat.

All these people telling OP that her maintenance money should definitely cover this have no idea how much money this hobby and taxi are going to cost. Are we talking about 50quid a month or 200? Is this a school basketball team with friends in the school gym that costs a nominal amount plus a short taxi home or Pony Club that requires a substantial fee for lessons and expensive clothing and equipment plus taxis both ways.
OP is probably also mentally doubling the amount anticipating that her other child could also ask to do an equally expensive activity and her ex would expect that money to come out of the maintenance too.
We also don’t know anything about OPs budget (and she doesn’t owe us that info). Is she living in an expensive area and working a not very well paid job? Trying to maintain a 3bedroom place in a major city on a nurse’s salary could make a big dent in that 750 pounds maintenance.
OP could you give a figure for an amount you can happily afford to contribute to both children’s hobbies and tell ex that anything he’s organizing that costs more than that needs to be covered by him? Since your kids are teenagers you can probably share this figure with them. Be clear what the money can be used for - sports club fees, music lessons, school residential trips, gym membership, swimming pool entry, rock climbing sessions etc, and what the money can’t be used for - xbox games, days/meals out with friends, cinema trips. Then tell ex. ‘Dear Ex. There is enough flex in my household budget to allow for 50/100pounds (adjust to suit your budget) a month for kids sports or hobbies, including transport if needed. Anything you want to organize that goes over 25/50pounds a month per child will require you to pay the difference.’

Could the OP take her daughter herself to save on taxi cost?

If this club is too expensive maybe they could explore something else.

slightlygeordie but point being he would have to employ a 24 hour carer or a nanny if she wasn't covering his share for free. Week after week.
He's not paying what it costs to raise two children. Never mind what maintenance is 'meant' to cover, children need care and supervision 24/7, not just clothes on their back. I suspect he wouldn't swap places with her.
Whether the DC should be doing activities is another matter.

And four days out of thirty isn't great parenting tbh. Especially when he's outsourcing his responsibilities at £14 a day. My nursery fees cost more than that twenty years ago.

In my case I get £50 a month maintenance, I'm currently unemployed due to redundancy... yet I still send my child to swim class. I could do without paying for it given that £50 covers it and absolutely nothing else I need, I have to cover clothes and food myself and do without. How many clothes and how much food do your kids eat that costs £750 a month?!?

I think that is a significant amount of maintenance, more than enough to cover food and clothing etc. I would not be expecting more money on top of this for activities.

If clothes are a huge expensive at the moment then you can consider starting to put the teens in charge of their own clothing budget too - agree some basics that you will fund and buy from an inexpensive boring source (like school uniform, underwear, socks, a couple of pairs of pjs, 1 pr basic trainers, 1 weather appropriate coat etc all from supermarket ranges - basically enough that they won’t be cold or naked if they initially spend their clothing allowance unwisely) then the kids are responsible for the rest within their monthly clothing budget of 50pounds or whatever - so they can have the expensive branded trainers or hoodie or horse riding boots/dance shoes/rock climbing gear but not all of it at once without saving up for however long it takes. A friend of mine had this as a teen from around age 14 and it worked very well for them as a single parent family of 3 girls who all liked clothes!

Whatever they eat, it sounds as though they eat too much if it. Cutting back in the intake would free some money up for the sports club.

Don’t be ridiculous. They go to school, they are teenagers, why would you possibly claim that this needs a 24 hour carer?

I swear some people on here must never have children when they come out with posts like yours.

Sounds like OP is prioritising her need for ‘down time’ over her daughters health. If she’s fat she needs to get moving, a sports club sounds perfect, but if you’re unwilling to facilitate this perhaps spend less of the near £200p/w maintaince on snacks and more on fruit and veg. Poor kid wants to make a change but the mum won’t allow it, selfish AF.

I’d be willing to bet good money that some of that maintenance is being spent on the OP.

You've got an overweight, inactive child showing an interest in a sport and you want to point score rather than encourage her. You sound completely uninterested, dismissive even. Rather than assuming she'll just give it up 'like everything else' maybe hope that this is the one she enjoys and sticks with though I'm wondering if she gives up on stuff because she senses your lack of interest. Seriously, just pay for it 🙄

I say this as a single parent with 2 children who DO play sport and have done so at an elite level so a lot of £££. My focus was always on them, not my twat of an exh who enjoyed the bragging without any financial help. I made it work because it was good for them and they enjoyed it

It's about priorities. I prioritised my kids activities above everything except basic food and bills. That was my choice. I paid. Their dad helped me out for extras (shows exams comps etc) if he could on top of the maintenance. If you genuinely can't afford it, break down your budget to your ex. Your dd shouldn't be getting taxis though, you either take her or she gets a bus. I don't understand why you aren't encouraging her though.

@DragonBoots
I do think that given your household's income is at least 29k,if you're only on a NMW salary, that yes, it's not unreasonable for you to be paying for activities for your children. That is what maintenance is for.

Equally, I understand if this has been prompted by your ex that he should also contribute. Perhaps the way to go about this is for him to have contact Friday to nights a d he can facilitate the club on his time and at his expense? Obviously this may reduce your child maintenance though...

It's quite unusual to have a teen that does no after school activities, and even more unusual for the DP to want to keep it that way.

Ignore the fact the ex is pushing it, let her go to the sports club and tell her she needs to go for at least a term. If you need to ferry her there and back use the time in between to get some exercise yourself.

If you genuinely can't afford it , speak to the club, I'm sure they wouldn't want to exclude anyone due to income.

That’s in direct contradiction to what us happening here though. He’s trying to get involved and get their mother to help, but her “me time” is apparently more important.

And "his time" apparently. So he gets to pay maintenance and only see his DC when he can make time for them. And OP does everything else including taking DD to a club HE wants her to go to because he pays maintenance?

I know being a single parent is shit but WTAF? Is this what men get away with these days? Here have some money and do everything for DC except during the tiny bit of time I will carve out of my single life for them.

It's shit for the daughter that her dad doesn't see her more and won't go out of his way to facilitate the activity.

It's shit for the daughter that mum appears to be prioritising her own needs before her daughter.

Just all round rubbish for this teenager who just wants to do a sport which certainly isn't unreasonable!!

You sound lazy and despondent, frankly.

£9,000 in child maintenance is miles above what man MANY single mums are raising their kids on, and still managing to make after school clubs and sports happen.

You've admitted yourself your children are both overweight, you have a responsibility to encourage ANY little glimmer of interest they may show in getting active and engaging in sport.

I'm sure your ex is frustrated and fed up, I know I would be if this is your attitude.

You really are making things up here to try to paint the husband in a bad light. I wonder why.

As for your statement that the mother dies everything for them, surely you are not serious. She seems to do virtually nothing, putting herself first and leaving them to get fat playing video games when they come home from school.

Perfect example of how it should be done, fair play for encouraging and supporting your kids in their activities x

You really are making things up here to try to paint the husband in a bad light. I wonder why.

No reason. I'm not a single parent or a man hater. Just see lots of threads on MN when the single mum picks up the slack from fathers who get to go and live their child-free lives and think that paying maintenance covers their responsibility as a parent.

Do agree with a PP to let DD start the new club because she wants/needs to and not because the ex-husband decrees it.

How sad that you would rather turn on your ex out of pettiness than give your daughter the opportunity to participate in a healthy activity.

Just pay it and get off your bum and take her there and bring her home.