Can casual ever become "serious"?

[tetti]

For anyone who's read my recent post(have I lost my marbles!lol),you'll know that I recently started seeing a younger guy on a casual basis.
Now,casual is easier said than done,isn't it,at least for women.

I am a bit confused,a few days ago,before we first went further together,he told me he didn't want to mess me around,but that he didn't want a relationship or anything serious,but if I wanted to talk and more(ehum),that was cool,but up to me.
I thought,that's completely fine by me,I have 3 months ago come out of a 12 year long realtionship,and don't want to get heavy as in moving in with someone for eg.

So ,we met up,talked and had our fun.I sent him a txt saying I was totally cool with it being casual, and then told him to ring me next week if he felt like it,he called the next day!
We met up yesterday and same thing,talking loads,sex,(and loads of cuddles from him!:-)
He was more attentive than before,but that was what got me.
I know soo much about him already,and I don't have to ask any questions about him,he just talks and tells me!
I know all about his childhood,family and life.

This is what I find confusing,if it's so casual,why really bother to get to know everything about the other person?(if you're going to have sex and dissappear a few weeks or months down the line).
Because,surely,the better you get to know eachother,the harder it'll be to let go?

I dk how mens brains work,but I am soo confused.
I am not going to ask-Where is this going?,as we agreed on casual just some days ago,but it's like we got closer after getting into bed!,we actually started to talk more then..
It's doing my head in.I knew I took a great emotional risk by sleeping with him in the first place,but we had been flirting badly for months and months,and the physical attraction was so great I couldn't not take the risk! My head just didn't rule over my body at all,I wanted him and that was it,and had for months.

I do not have any preconcieved ideas here,I do not believe that I can make him fall for me,but have anyone else gone from casual to more "commited"?(not as far as in living together,but in having a relationship)

Eh,didn't wait after all.He rang me and asked if he could come over,and initially I thought,like he did,that there wasn't going to be any sex,3 hrs later,well...(I said it's impossible for us to meet and for nothing to happen!)
Ok,I was at the end of my period anyway,but am eating my words now!lol(I guess so is he as he doesn't like to have sex when a woman's on her period!)

lol i chuckled at that

lol,yeah,life's certailnly full of surprises!
It kind of made me even more keen on him!lol

Omg,I think I've just shot myself in the foot,big time!!!
Have been seeing the toyboy for 6 weeks,and initially the casual thing was totally cool with me.
But,and this is a big but,he came over at the weekend,my girl was with her dad,and we had a great time,we got on so well,he had me in stitches,and we talked ALOT,and I found out alot of things about him.Of course we had sex,but there was a moment in the morning when I looked at him and thought-Shit!I am falling for this guy!.After he'd left I became a little bit over emotional you could say,basically really thrown back by my feelings for him,as I did not expect that to happen!(there had also been alot of "handholding" and that kind of thing over the last few weeks,which really surprised me too,he'd come over,not just for sex,but to hang out)
I kind of realised that maybe I'd have to let him know that there is the possibility I might fall for him,just so that he'd have the option to back off if that is what he'd want.

Ok,so I gave him his xmas pressie yesterday eve,and slipped a letter into his xmas card!(not v bright idea,but hey)
I basically said that I was developing feelings for him,and that if he can't handle that and wants to step back,I wouldn't take it personally.But if he'd like to keep seeing me,no pressure,and see what may or may not happen in future,then it'd be his call.

Was I a complete idiot to let him know how I'm feeling?
Of course I may never hear from him again now,but I kind of felt that the longer I see him,the stronger my feelings will get,and the more hurt I'll get when I find out that he just don't feel the same way.
Kind of wish I hadn't done anything about it,but now it's done,oh well....

So,I gave him his xmas pressie

i've always said it's better to be honest and say how you are feeling, so the other person has a choice of continuing the relationship or not.

i think you did the right thing, as long as you phrased it correctly

Sure you have had lots of advice and I haven't read the whole thread too lazy. I wanted to let you know my story. I left my husband in April 2004. 2 weeks later I was out on a night celebrating and got chatted up by a young man who was in the Navy. I had a great night and really enjoyed the attnetion. We met up, text anf chatted on the phone and things were laid back. He is 12 years younger than me into nights out and partying. I enjoyed his company and attention. Things went from strength to strength. Now nearly 4 years on we have a little boy and I have a man in my life who thinks I am the best thing ever. I have never been so happy. My advice, chill, relax and enjoy. See where it takes you.

Thank's for your support:-)
I tried to phrase it as carefully as I could.
Basically saying that my idea of a relationship is to be with someone who I may see a couple of times a week,someone who's got their own life,not that different to what we had going basically,but,with just a little bit more commitment,like exclusivity I guess.So it's not like I asked him to move in w me,marry me or anything.
But to be aware that I have developed feelings for him,not that I've fallen for him,but that it's a real possibility that I could,and could he handle to continue seeing me knowing that?,or would he just rather back off?

I honestly dk if I'll hear from him again,either way.Kind of would be nice if he just sent me a txt even,just to say-Sorry hun,but it was kinda nice while it lasted!,just anything,just to show that respect I guess.Not just leave it and say nothing..
But maybe I have thrown him a bit with that letter of mine,it wasn't dead heavy,pretty matter of fact I guess,just saying I felt it was only fair for me to be honest with him...
Maybe his mind's gone into overdrive!lol

I think you did the right thing by telling him about your feelings. That's very brave, very nice, very honest.
I think now he is thinking what to do, how to react.
I hope everything will turn out as you wish.
x

Thank's bluemoon11.
I'm so scared I've shot myself in the foot completely.I mean,we had such a good night,and I go and spoil it all!
I really thought I could keep my feelings in check,but it was small things he did the other night,like when I was in the kitchen,he just came in and stroked my hair and looked at me,and after sex,he literally held on to me for dear life as he fell asleep(he'd normally want a bit more space),just those things that he'd just never do,maybe it's just because he felt he can relax around me now,but it just confused me even more!

I really felt that I couldn't handle this anymore,being so into him,but not knowing when I'd be seeing him next,and for each time I see him,I'd just fall deeper and
deeper.You just can't help what you feel..

I still haven't heard from him,maybe it is because he's backed off completely(and erased my number from his phone:-),or because he's still thinking and is unsure.
Anyway,I'll be out of the country for a week and that'll give him time to think,and if he does come to realise that if he backs off he won't see me again,and (with any miracle),realises that me misses me even though he don't want to,well,then he can't contact me anyway!lol.

We'll see what happens,but I just have to prepare for not seeing him again,that's the risk I took,I've scared him away!!!!

well if he buggers off after that then he's a nob really isnt he?

especially if he wont even discuss it

I really hope it works out as you want Tetti x

Thank's.And yes lou33,he really would be a nob if he wouldn't even have the decency to get in touch(even by txt) just to say that this ain't for him,or to say that he needs time to think,just anything.
You kind of think that he could muster that.

I know he's not had a relationship in years,just flings.He had a very strong faith before(I'd call the congregation he belonged to a blooming christian cult!You know those kind of american type congregations),but broke away from it over a year ago,and since then he's been playing the field I guess.He really questions what he was taught for all those years(you know,have sex outside marriage and you're condemned to hell,all that kind of lunacy!lol.I just think there may be alot of things going on in that mind of this,but still,he should still get on the phone and just let me know if it's over or not,not just leave it.
Oh,I dk,all I know is that I won't contact him again by any means,he knows where I am...

It's like a mate of mine said,guys are so hard to figure out.
Her boyfriend said after 3 months he didn't want anything serious,wouldn't even call her his girlfriend.Now 5 years on they are married and have a kid!

heard anything?

Nope!
I kind of thought that he might have sent a txt by now.
There are a few possible scenarios,he read the letter,got a bit freaked out,not realising I had stronger feelings for him,may ponder over what he wants(ie;never see me again,which is the case if he can't handle me having feelings for him,or if he's prepared to keep seeing me and just see what may or may not happen in future,no pressure),or,he may not have those feelings for me at all,he likes me as a mate and likes having sex w me,but,doesn't have the spine to tell me,or,the final scenario,he's just a player, doesn't give a toss and can't be asked to even let me know either way,even after a pretty intense 6 wks of seeing and getting to know eachother pretty well!

I mean,if he doesn't contact me at all,then he's a bit of a gutless plonker,and not the guy that I thought he was(ie; a pretty straight up kind of guy).

I kind of expect to be leaving the country for xmas to see my family,and him not having contacted me by then,he knows when I'm leaving,he knows when I'm coming back.But tbh,I'd be hugely surprised to hear fro him again.I may be wrong,but really,it's Tuesd eve now,he either knows his own mind and feelings or he doesn't,so it shouldn't be all that hard to let me know.But maybe not getting in touch is his way of backing off perhaps.Oh well,one live and one learns:-)
Guess it's probably back to celibacy for me again then!(oh,nooo!lol)

I am quite gutted if this is it,but,better now if that's the case,then further down the line when it would have hurt even more!
At least now I'll be away for a while in a different country,and may get some more distance to it all...

of course you will be gutted if it is the case, but like you say, better to find out now if he is a spineless cockbag, than later

i've been there i understand

It's just kind of beyond me that a grown man can't even send a simple txt to say-Sorry,I don't feel the same way(or whatever),I mean,he wouldn't even have to speak to me,it's just a sml sign of respect,isn't it?
Well,guess he def wasn't the guy I thought he was.
Of course he told me over 6 wks ago that he didn't want a relationship or anything serious,but back then,nor did I,and things can change.
I'll just put it down to experience,and not being funny,nxt time I may try and go for someone just a tad closer to my own age who's got the maturity to deal with their feelings and those of others.

i could go on for hours about this topic

i dont think it has anything to do with age tho, but is more about maturity

they arent, we are

Lol,too true..
You're also right that age doesn't come into it actually,after all.
My ex was 14 years older than this guy,but not necesarily that much more mature!
I tell you,if he does get in touch,I'll fry my new boots and eat them!!!(that's how confident I am that I won't hear anything)
I haven't deleted his number yet,although I won't contact him again.No,it's just in case the hugely unlikely thing happened and he got in touch(yeah,and pigs fly),then I'd know it was him.
Did the stupid mistake of reading his old txt's which made me wonder what the hell was going on in that mind of his,well,a guy will say anything to get his leg up,won't he?
Oh well,I def look forward to getting away for xmas,being in another country will certainly help!lol.
And if he suddenly gets an urge to call me at 11 at night,wanting to come over,then he'd have a VERY long trip to make!lol

i so share your feelings tetti.
and i have to say that waiting period is so hard to take i know, i feel like i wouldnt be able to do that, you are very strong.
if he doesnt send anything yet, means i guess he is still thinking, so there is still hope in a nice way.
you did the right since the beginning, you did your best, you used a chance that came to you, i think you shouldnt miss it.
i think there is still hope that he will contact in some way.
i know men are different than us but they have feelings, too.
pls update when he contacts .
if he doesnt, then you have another nice memory to remember .
x

Any contact over Christmas Tetti?

Hmm,yes,lol.
Turns out that I was worrying about nothing for the few days after I gave him the card,he turned up with a xmas card for me just before I left to go on hol,and he hadn't even read his,as he'd decided to open it on the 25th along with his pressie!argh!(and there was me,going through torture!lol)
We txted on hol,I thought he'd def back off,waited a few days,then sent him a txt,just saying I was back home,and id he have a nice xmas,nothing about t letter.Well,in his reply he called me"My love!",(as in,hope you had a nice hol my love)and you could say I was a bit flabbergasted!
I really dk where it'll go from here,I am very wary and very sceptical(nah,maybe that is not the word,cautious is probably more like it).I am not thinking we're an item,I don't see him as my bf,I just have to take it day by day and see what,if anything happens,you know.I don't want to jinx it,or put pressure on him or me,just want to go with the flow and see where it may take us if we're lucky!I really do fancy the pants off the guy,and feel desperate to see him,shame that I'm on and got the nits from my daughter!lol(can't believe that,never before in my lifetime have I had that problem,then my daughter starts school,and hey presto,your head gets infested in time for xmas,argh!!!Well,have been treated,but still doesnt stop that horrible itching,nooo!!!)

Nice to have you back Tetti! I had a feeling he wouldn't open it b4 xmas. Just take it easy , one day at a time. I am well chuffed for you though... he called you my love sorry to hear about the nits. I also caught the little buggers form my ds, arfghhhh xx

How on earth do you get rid of those damn eggs?! Have tried with using the nitcomb after treatment,but they still stick to the hair like glue!(at least on my daughter's hair,probably more visible on hers as her hair's dark!).Did the treatment work first time round on you?(changing t subject totally here,aren't I?,lol)

Have used tea tree conditioner and comb afterwards as my ds was allergic to the more 'chemical' stuff. It takes longer to get rid of it but doesn't harm the scalp. He is ok now, but am dreading next week when he's back at preschool.
Hope you see your fella soon