Can casual ever become "serious"?

[tetti]

For anyone who's read my recent post(have I lost my marbles!lol),you'll know that I recently started seeing a younger guy on a casual basis.
Now,casual is easier said than done,isn't it,at least for women.

I am a bit confused,a few days ago,before we first went further together,he told me he didn't want to mess me around,but that he didn't want a relationship or anything serious,but if I wanted to talk and more(ehum),that was cool,but up to me.
I thought,that's completely fine by me,I have 3 months ago come out of a 12 year long realtionship,and don't want to get heavy as in moving in with someone for eg.

So ,we met up,talked and had our fun.I sent him a txt saying I was totally cool with it being casual, and then told him to ring me next week if he felt like it,he called the next day!
We met up yesterday and same thing,talking loads,sex,(and loads of cuddles from him!:-)
He was more attentive than before,but that was what got me.
I know soo much about him already,and I don't have to ask any questions about him,he just talks and tells me!
I know all about his childhood,family and life.

This is what I find confusing,if it's so casual,why really bother to get to know everything about the other person?(if you're going to have sex and dissappear a few weeks or months down the line).
Because,surely,the better you get to know eachother,the harder it'll be to let go?

I dk how mens brains work,but I am soo confused.
I am not going to ask-Where is this going?,as we agreed on casual just some days ago,but it's like we got closer after getting into bed!,we actually started to talk more then..
It's doing my head in.I knew I took a great emotional risk by sleeping with him in the first place,but we had been flirting badly for months and months,and the physical attraction was so great I couldn't not take the risk! My head just didn't rule over my body at all,I wanted him and that was it,and had for months.

I do not have any preconcieved ideas here,I do not believe that I can make him fall for me,but have anyone else gone from casual to more "commited"?(not as far as in living together,but in having a relationship)

Yeah,me too:-)
I'm at the pining stage now,lol.
Got a txt in the middle of the night from him saying he was going to pop round,but he fell asleep!lol
Haven't spoken to him today,but I'm really starting to get it real bad now,it's like an addict who needs a fix I guess,:-),I just feel that I HAVE to see him now before I go mad!lol
I also know that I'd be soo very frustrated at not being able to well,get my wicked way with him because of that darn monthly thing us women have to put up with!.You can get away with it towards the end,but not at the beginning,it's just way too off putting(sorry if I put anyone of their dinner here,lol)
Of course we can sit and talk,we have done that before,but I know if I kiss the guy,I've had it!:-),that old thunderbolt chemistry eh?Oh dear...

Well,as I said,I'm taking things very easy,I haven't got any preconcieved ideas about what might or may not happen between us,maybe nada,but,well,only time will tell(cautious iss my middle name!:-)

I am starting to become a little bit tired,tbh,tired of waiting(!).
Ok,so I have been back 6 days,have we met up?no!
The txt's started off very lovey dovey from his side for the first few days,then since new years eve they have gone a bit more "normal".I know he spent new years with "the boys"as he calls them at home,but maybe they wne-You what?She's 8 years older man,w a kid!You don't want that shit man!(lol).
I dk,or maybe it's just the fact that we haven't seen eachother for yonks now.
I know I am an expert at overanalyzing things(well,I am going to study psychology ,lol,so I guess I tend to scrutinise everything into the smallest detail!Engough to drive one mad!lol).

I just think,ok,he didn't back off when I gave him the option,he called me my love for goodness sake after he got the darn letter(!),but had he been really eager to see me,then he would've been round.Ok,if I send him a txt he usually answers straight away,literally,but all this is doing my head in now.
Maybe he's getting cold feet,who knows,I think I'll give it another day or two,and hasn't he come round by then,well,what's the point really?A girl cannot hang around forever right?

you are right tetti,
wait a bit more, if he doesnt act, then decide what to do.
you did your best, you should try it, you didnt lose anything.
best wishes.

He did come over,and I can tell that there is something there,definetly.I am taking it day by day though,don't want to put pressure on him,or me for that matter.I want to get to know him proper,hopefully,and then just see what may or may not happen,just take it slow.
It is so incredibly intense when we meet though,fireworks doesn't begin to describe it,it's just so charged.After having had a least 6 years of my (12 year long)previous relationship being dull as dishwater,and feeling obliged to have sex(I hated it with a passion!!!),it's really a huge chock to the system to be feeling this way about someone,seriously! It's like someone pulled a plug all these years ago,but now I'm switched on again!lol

Trying not to obsess to much about him though and think about him all day,a bit tricky though:-)

you are doing very well tetti

Thank's for the support:-),it feels so weird doing the dating thing again after so long with one person.My goodness,I was just turning 21 when I got with the ex,and we finished when I was 33,talk about spending a huge chunk of your early adult hood with someone:-).I cringed when a mate of mine said with a very wicked laugh-Oh,did you know that when you started courting(the ex),your "toyboy" was still in his school uniform!(gee,thank's,now I can't get that picture out of my mind!)

it doesnt matter what other people say tetti.
and i dont think there is too much age difference between you and him.
important thing is how you getting on with him.
we cant find the perfect match all the time, sometimes we have to tolerate on some criterias, if we can.
x

I think my dilemma now,is how to deal with this situation.
Ok,so I told him in that letter how I felt about him,and gave him the option to back off,or to keep seeing me,no pressure to see what may or may not develop in future.
He didn't back off,but,we're kind of in the situation we were in before,txting eachother sometimes,and meeting up like once a week.
This just doesn't give one the chance to get to know eachother,or for anything more to develop really,does it?
I know we both lead really busy lives,but if this should have any chance at all,we kind of need to make space for eachother too,don't we?

I really don't want to put any pressure on him(as in calling him all the time etc),this is a guy who hasn't had a serious relationship,so,I do know that I have to tread a bit more gently to kind of gain his trust etc,but,how long should I give it really?
When he does see me he goes all soft and "dooey eyed"and I can tell his defences are very slowly coming down,no but's about that,but it can't go on like this forever.
I really just want to know if there is a chance that he's falling for me,or if he's going to keep holding back,and if that's the case,it just won't work,will it (we've all been hurt at some time,but there is a time you have to let go and relax!:-)

i think, give him like 3 months to go on like that, dont tell him.
at the end if you dont see any change look for other options.
what do you think?
x

That sounds good.Give him 3 months,by the end of that we would have been seeing eachother for just over 5 (gulp!)months.After that kind of time have passed then it's only feasible to have a little chat about where we going,isn't it?(if we are still seeing eachother then,that is:-),I hope so).
I kind of hope that the more he sees me,or the longer he sees me for,the more emotionally attached he'll get to me(but lord knows how mens brains works!).
I can't figure the guy out at all,he didn't answer the txt I sent the other day,yet when I bumped into him he was all keen,god,this guy leaves me wondering all the time! Yes,let's give it a few months and then see...

I think tetti you should just back off a bit and let him do the chasing, you have told him how your felt and its no different to how it was before, actions speak louder than words and it doesnt matter how busy someone is they will make time for you no matter what. I think you should still be keeping your options open, I wouldnt waste 3 months sitting around for him, get yourself out there and have fun, what is meant for you wont go round you and you wouldnt have to fight for something than is yours in the first place

Very true!

However though,my friend had a v casual relationship w a younger guy for ages and ages,5 years on they are married w a kid!Not that that would happen to me w this guy though,no way,but she gave this guy time whilst getting on with her life,and then one day...

Have now definetly decided to back off and not contact him at all,enough of not knowing where his mind is at,not knowing when I'll see him next.I'm not wasting anymore time.
he came over almost a week ago,spent the eve with my daughter and me,played with her and got on great.We got really close and he really opened up more about himself,and was so relaxed.We still didn't have a chat about us,but we had a great time,no sex,we just hung out.And when he left he hugged me like some anaconda,the guy who usually only gives a quick peck!
But,he never rings(ok,that above evening he did,said he had to see me which I took as a good sign),he doesn't txt untless I txt him first,it is just so bloody onesided!

I kind of feel that this just will not lead anywhere.I cannot have anykind of relationship with a man who I only see once a week if I'm very lucky,and who I don't communicate with the rest of the time.How t f are we supposed to get to know eachother(!).Ok,hands up,I don't call him,but that is only because I think he ought to show some initiative too.I am not doing the blooming chasing anymore.
So,for now I'll put him out of my mind,and if he does ring and wants to see me,well then fine,but he'll then have to expect us to have a little chat too(!).
It's been almost 3 months now since we meet,so it's not like it's premature.

I know the guy's never had a serious relationship bla bla bla,that he doesn't know how to conduct one,but,if he doesn't know his feelings by now,he never will.And if he takes much longer,well,then I'll probably have met someone else by the time he has!
I do have feelings for him,naturally,but carrying on like this seems just utterly pointless,doesn't it?

i agree with you tetti.
maybe its time for you to look for other options but make him feel you are doing so.
only make him feel, dont go too much detail conversation with him about the relation you have with him-where its going etc, let him do the thinking, iykwim.
good luck to you.
you had to live this relation, you did nothing wrong, and you doing so well now.
x

After 3 months you should be seeing him more than once a week and by now he should know where his head is at, there is a fine line between casual and being used so I agree about backing off, he may be attentive when he is with you but dont seem to be doing any of the leg work. Definately put him at the back of your mind and keep your options open, its also not fair on your child if she is getting attached to him and then he backs off cause he dont want a relationship, you really need to think about her and put her wellbeing first, jsut enjoy your singledom without a man

I asked him today what it is that he wants from me,very much keeping in mind that my daughter is starting to get attached to him,and this situation just isn't on anymore.
Ok,she sees him just as one of my mates,so she doesn't know that I was involved with him(note,was!).
I was feeling really upset by the situaion as I was getting such mixed messages,I was keeping up the happy fasad for my girl,but at night I'd just cry my eyes out!

As I expected he was happy just seeing me once every 10 days or so,that pretty much ummed his feelings up,didn't it?
I just thought,what a bastard! I did give him the option to back off,twice!But did he?Did he f!
Even know he refused to say that he didn't want to see me again,(but sorry ,that decision's been taken out of his hands!When he said he's happy with the way things are,then he can go and find another mug who's willing to meet up a couple of times a month!Doubt many women will be satisfied with that?!)

Did fall,but had a hunch things weren't right,you lose some,you win some,but boy does it still hurt!

you tried tetti.
you did your best, you took your chance to see what would happen, if you didnt you would regret.
there were chances for it to turn to a nice thing but he didnt use the chance.
now, try to put it back of your mind and try to focus to other things. i know its hard to do that, but in time it will happen. at the end of the day, it wasnt a very long relation so it will be easier to put back.
good luck to you.
x

Thank's:-).I think what makes it hard is that we spoke for so many months before we got it together,so I did know know him longer than just the 3 months.I also think that's why I didn't find it hard to fall for him,as I was already so familiar with him..
It really does hurt,but as you say,I have to try and put it to the back of my mind...

Sorry about how you feel Tetti. He was obviously quite immature in some ways... Hope you find the happiness you deserve x

Thank you:-)
Yes,unfortunately he was immature.I so should have heard the alarm bells ringing,he'd never had a serious relationship,only casual ones,he still lives at home with his mum,so that's an eas life there,I don't think he's ever seen other adults successfully maintaining relationships as both his parents got quite a few kids by different partners(and I don't mean by one or two different partners either),our lives are so different.And tbh,who knows if he had any hangups about seeing a white girl? Didn't get that impression,but I overheard one of his best mates on the phone saying (about a club they were in),that there were too many "lightskins" in there,nice!

Oh,I dk,sometimes you really fall for people agaisnt your better judgement.It was just such an incredible,immediate physical attraction that I could not fight against.Sounds very daft,I know,but I was so drawn to him that whatever common sense that I had just flew out of the window!
Hope I do find a genuine guy one day,eh?
Thing is,how?
I'm lead such a busy life...Some mates say go for internet dating,but I'm afraid there's just be a bunch of nutters at those sites!lol(might be wrong)

i think nothing changed because he didnt have to, you told him there was no pressure to do anything, so he carried on having his cake and eating it, so to speak

i dont think calling someone my love is indicative of feeling they have for you either, i call people love, darling, lover, all the time, it is just a turn of phrase

seeing you once every 10 days and being incommunicado? god that rings a bell, tho i got rid

do not be surprised (if he is anything like the guy i dumped), if he keeps getting in touch saying he misses you and wants to see you, and all that guff

it's just because they want their ego massaged, and a shag, men like that, imo

i'm sorry it went pear shaped tho

sorry that you are hurting tetti but he isnt worth shedding tears over, he wont give you the stability that you want or need and he sounds like a player that likes to roam from one place to another, you are a mum so you have responsibilities so there is no place for him in your life, what effects you will effect your child, be single for a while and attract a man thats worthy of you

Totally true,also,like I said,any common sense that I had went out of the window before as I just totally fell for the guy,and I'm sorry,but you just cannot help who you get feelings for.
I also guess that after having spent over 12 years w a man who didn't appreciate me at all,it was a confidence boost to have this young,very fit guy after me!lol
I did tell him no pressure,and explained that I didn't want to rush into anything either after having been in a relationship for so long.BUT,after a few months you do know whether the feelings you have for someone are just lust,or something more!

Oh yes,I know without a doubt that he'll call me.I won't delete his number,just so that I'll know to ignore his calls!
Like you said Tinkerbel6,what effects me effects my child,so he's got no place in my life anymore.
Sure,it'll be hard as hell forgetting him,but,I'm not a little girl in her later teens or early 20's,I'm a grown woman with a child and responsibilities.He's probably more suited to the younger woman,eh?lol

My daughter loves her dad's gf,and keeps nagging me-Mum,you have to get a boyfriend,because you only have me,and you need to have someone just like daddy!(aww!!!:-)
But,I'll wait for the right guy,one day he'll turn up.But next time I'll definetly form a friendship first,before letting anything else develop(and they'll have to see me at weekends only when my girl is at her dad's,as I need to be a hundred percent sure of anyone before letting them meet my girl,don't want to mess her head up!)

Don't tell me I told you so,but yes,he contacted me and left 7 txt's.And yes,I met up with him last night.
Call me a fool,but I don't feel bad about it:-).
Basically,he really is busy,it's not like the guy sits around twiddling his thumbs at night,he has to sit an exam in 4 weeks and has to study like mad,then he has team practice 3 nights a week,and on top of that he works 6 days a week,so at the mo,it just doesn't leave time for much else.Also,at the end of the day.I lead a very busy life too and can't see him every day anyway.So,we just agreed to give eachother that space and meet up when we can.
To be blunt,he is dropdead gorgeous, great in bed,and we have great chemistry,and really,I am not willing to give that up just yet:-)
I am just taking it for what it is now,and have come to realise(after a lot of thinking) that at this moment in time I am not ready for a full on heavy relationship.I just got to know myself again after being identity less for 12 years!lol.
No over analysing,and more pining for him when I don't see him,because I know he'll always be back,and in the meantime I have a life to get on with!:-)
If it's meant to be,it'll happen,if not,I'm sure to have a great time anyway!lol