Can casual ever become "serious"?

[tetti]

For anyone who's read my recent post(have I lost my marbles!lol),you'll know that I recently started seeing a younger guy on a casual basis.
Now,casual is easier said than done,isn't it,at least for women.

I am a bit confused,a few days ago,before we first went further together,he told me he didn't want to mess me around,but that he didn't want a relationship or anything serious,but if I wanted to talk and more(ehum),that was cool,but up to me.
I thought,that's completely fine by me,I have 3 months ago come out of a 12 year long realtionship,and don't want to get heavy as in moving in with someone for eg.

So ,we met up,talked and had our fun.I sent him a txt saying I was totally cool with it being casual, and then told him to ring me next week if he felt like it,he called the next day!
We met up yesterday and same thing,talking loads,sex,(and loads of cuddles from him!:-)
He was more attentive than before,but that was what got me.
I know soo much about him already,and I don't have to ask any questions about him,he just talks and tells me!
I know all about his childhood,family and life.

This is what I find confusing,if it's so casual,why really bother to get to know everything about the other person?(if you're going to have sex and dissappear a few weeks or months down the line).
Because,surely,the better you get to know eachother,the harder it'll be to let go?

I dk how mens brains work,but I am soo confused.
I am not going to ask-Where is this going?,as we agreed on casual just some days ago,but it's like we got closer after getting into bed!,we actually started to talk more then..
It's doing my head in.I knew I took a great emotional risk by sleeping with him in the first place,but we had been flirting badly for months and months,and the physical attraction was so great I couldn't not take the risk! My head just didn't rule over my body at all,I wanted him and that was it,and had for months.

I do not have any preconcieved ideas here,I do not believe that I can make him fall for me,but have anyone else gone from casual to more "commited"?(not as far as in living together,but in having a relationship)

i guess it depends what you mean by commit, if you mean it becomes exclusive then yes

People have loads of different interpretaions of what a relathionship is or ought to be, and one of the biggest ones is when (if) it ought to be exlsusive. Soif it matters to you that it is exclusive you need to have to have that talk about it when it starts to matter to you. If you're Ok with it not being exclusive then you don't havet oworry about it.

which goes back to me saying if she thinks she cant do non exclusive, then she needs to let him know and back off from him

I don't really care whether it's exclusive or not at this point tbh,it's not like we're boyfriend/girlfriend,THEN you'd want it to be exclusive,but if it's just fun,then you can't ask for the other person to commit really (as it's not by any means a serious relationship)
A friend of mine was dating a guy 10 years her junior,after 2 months she said they'd either become exclusive,or he could forget it(he was dating others at t same time),1 year on they're living together,but it doesn't work out like that for everyone.
Every situation is unique though,isn't it.
I know the same thing isn't going to happen with this guy I'm "seeing",for a first,I couldn't see us getting serious,secodnly,I honestly don't think I could live with another man again,it just kills the romance in any realtionship once the "honeymoon period" is over!(once you housework,bills,cleaning,and moods gets in the way!lol)

dont think i could live with anyone again either

No,you get to value your own space and independence too much.If you live with a guy,no matter how much in love you are at the beginning,you still eventually end up picking up his dirty socks and pants from the bedroom floor!lol
My ex also got too relaxed around me eventually,and didn't think twice about breaking wind as loud as you could in front of me or belching,not a very sexy trait,ugh!!
That turned me off him like nothing else!!!!

oh they do that anyway, mine is new and doing it already

obviously my boys think it is hilarious and encourage him, but funnily enough i dont like it

I think I have come to a decision (of sorts) in regards to this "toyboy" I'm seeing.
It seems like he kind of expects me to do all the chasing,and really,it has to be a two way thing.
I'm far too old for these mindgames.
So,as from now,I'm not going to contact him at all,not until I hear from him (if I do,lol)
He knows where I am,and if he does contact me again,I think that a little chat might be in order.
Nothing heavy mind,but just to say if this "thing" is to continue,we have to establish some kind of ground rules really (like,if he wants to see me,he needs to get in touch,don't wait for me to contact him,I'm not going to think he's clingy or want something serious just because he gets in touch!We said casual,didn't we? But I think we're both confused as to what the other one means by casual!).

I have lately caught him looking at me,and by the way he looks at me(very dooey eyed,not like him!),I kind of get the feeling that things are starting to freak him out a little bit maybe>
This is someone who obviously got very hurt,and he was messed around big time by a female who then upped and left the country without even telling him (he went to her house one day,and found out she'd left!,and he was gutted)
So,I think he's built up a real wall of defence here.I think as soon as he develops any feelings at all for someone,he runs scared big time!!!

Well,he needs to sort out in his mind whether he wants to see me again or not,and really,until then I'm not going to get in touch with him,the ball's in his court for now (but no more chasing on my part!:-)

i thought you werent the one contacting him anyway?

i stand by what i say wrt being upfront with someone, it doesnt have to be heavy at all, but if there is something bugging you, you have a right to let them know

tho what do i know, i nearly broke up with my mew bf last night through a huge misunderstanding, and now i have had to apologise hugely, and he is loving it

No,I wasn't the one doing all the running,never called him,but did txt him though,but since last time,it seems he expects me to do all the work (and it was last time that I caught him looking at me in that way,and acting a bit differently towards me,like not letting go of me kind of thing).My guess is that either he's running cold,or he's running scared!lol

dont take this the wrong way, but are you sure the way you say he looks at you is not projection on your part?

you are thinking so much about everything, possibly too much and thats good enough reason to have a chat

i still dont think there should be any games wrt not texting til he does first etc

not unless you have told him you are fed up making the effort for nothing in return (if that is what you think) and he has to pull his finger out if he wants to see you again

if you just go silent suddenly he will think you are just a moody unstable cow

can you give examples of what you mean by he seems to expect you to do all the running?

Nah,don't think it's projection,I caught him looking at me when he thought I wasn't aware of him doing it,and I have seen that look before,but with exes (normally along with them saying-You're going to break my heart one day!,yes,the last two exe's said the very same thing,they were also very afraid of becoming hurt again,but once they got to know me they realised I'm not a bitch!lol)

Ok,in regards to him expecting me doing all the running,he's a bit shy and wary of doing the instigating (which I know for a fact,so it's not theoretically speaking here),again,this stems from the fact that he's very wary as he's been v hurt in the past (or messed round big time,as he calls it!).I txt him,and he txt back about 30 seconds later,always,and then we keep txting back and forwards until one of us gets fed up basically,lol.
He seems to think that if he txt's me first,I might think that he's being to keen,but for heavens sake,that's not the case!
Again,maybe this is an age thing,maybe not,or maybe it's just his insecurity showing.It's not through a lack of interest he's doing that,that is already established,but as I said,I do think we need to put down some "ground rules" if this thing is to go on,just to make it a little bit less confusing!lol

wrt him being hurt, that's a shame, but it isnt your fault and it is unfair of him to penalise you for the way others have treated him, and tbh , if he wants to date then he needs to move on from it and stop using it as an excuse

i dont think it is an age thing, but a maturity thing

now let me tell you a little story about mobile phones and messaging and the trouble it can cause

yesterday i got the right arse with my new bf, because i had heard nothing from him since early tues evening

i had sent him a few texts and had no reply, which irked me slightly

anyway later in the afternoon i got home and saw him on msn, so said hi, no reply

i went off and did some stuff, came back, tried once more and her replied, but (in my mind) curtly. i asked him what was up and he just said he was busy, doing paperwork

the manner interpreted his response did not impress me, bearing in mind i had not had one reply from him, so i said something along hte lines of, that i did not ecpect him to be in touch all day everyday but he should have the decency to get in touch or reply to my messages, if he expected us to have a relationship and not just be a fuck buddy thing

no reply then he was not on msn, which made me fuming, so i sent him a text saying he could basically fuck off if he thought i wasnt even worth a text message

still nothing so i ranted and raved at my mate, called him all the names under the sun etc

then about 11pm last night my phone went crazy

there had been a problem with my phone and i hadnt been receiving messages, so i got 3 days worth all come in together

in those messages were a lot from my new bf replying to me and saying he had tried to call me etc

so phones can be a pita, because now i look like an idiot for kicking off, and have had to say sorry, and he is bloody milking it as much as he can

i'm still getting messages in from yesterday

Oh no!lol.I had that problem w my phone once,and gave my ex such a hard time-You never told me you'd be coming home that late from work,u didn't txt me you liar!lol
I bet he's miliking it big time,

I have just cleared the air w the toyboy,by txt!hahaha(oh well,I'm not calling him at work,no,no)
I just said I was a bit rusty at this casual relationship thing basically,and asked what he wanted from me,did he want me to call?txt him,or what kind of ground rules so to speak should we have to avoid any confusion?
I also gave him the option to back out now if he's thinking that things are getting a bit heavy(as they are),and that it'd be totally cool with me,but his reply?
To call or txt him whenever I feel like it,and no,he didn't take up the otpion of backing out,so...
Well,any confusion cleared up,let's relax(and no more over analysing!!!)lol

see?! just come out and say it!

You were so right!!!
Man,I'll def listen to your advice in the future,you're a very wise woman!lol

lol i am going to carry that around with me and flash it to everyone i know, who will laugh themselves stupid at it

Feel free,you're talking alot of sense,lol

gosh this flattery will go to my head!

I have the habit of txting some of my mates before I call them to see if it's ok to ring or if they're busy(you know what it's like when you have kids,yiu may ring someone and all hell breaks loose as their kids may be asleep or wake up,I also have mates that are actresses/musicians and always forget to switch their phones off when working,which can be just a bit disastrous if they're in t middle of something!lol).
So,I forgot myself and sent him a txt-Is it ok 2 call,or r u busy?"
-Don't txt,just call me,you don't have to walk on eggshells around me (oops!)
He understood though when I told him the reason why I'm in t habit of txting first sometimes though(well,he might have been in t studio himself ,and t last thing u want is for your phone to go off if you're recording!)

It just shows how little we know eachother,the smallest thing can cause confusion!,oh dear!.In my circles it's just t norm to txt b4 you call,but for other's it's just plain weird!lol(or yes,they may take it as you're walking on eggshells around them,that didn't even occur to me!whoops!)

it's not something i would do,i would either text or call

if they cant answer then it would go to vm

how's things going anyway?

Yeah,fine.meeting him tomorrow I think.I hadn't contacted him for a day,so he seemed a bit concerned and wanted to know if I was ok!lol.
This is the longest I've gone without seeing him since we met(a whole week!lol),so it'll be a bit weird!
It's like I've forgotten what he looks like almost.Well,things had been extremely intense before(seeing each other every 3 days),so I think we both def needed our space!Things were getting way too heavy for a while there,well,for something of a casual nature anyway...

I just pray my monthly enemy(you know the one that keeps coming at the same time every month,argh!),will stay abscent until after he's been,or I really will go nuts,believe me!lol

lol

a lot of guys arent that bothered by periods you know, he might be one of them

i have my exh here atm

bf is arriving at about 6, so exh will be gone by then

He sounds like he proably is falling for you. Having "Serious" talks with boys and asking them where things are going is unfortunately a likely way to freak them out and get them to back out so just play it cool a little. If you don't call him he'll fall for you a lot quicker as he'll find you a bit mysterious. Relax and let him do the chasing and the calling and let him be the one to ask where the relationship is going. If he thinks you are casual then he'll probably be pretty keen to pin you down and make it serious so noone else gets you first! Relax and let him come to you. It does sound like he's falling for you but don't scare him off by demanding that you make it "serious and committed". I think he'll decide to do that himself soon enough. Men can kind of panic if they think a girl's pursuing them; they get a lot keener if you act relaxed and casual. Before you know it he'll be begging you to commit! Just have faith. The less you call him, the more often he'll call you! It's a law of nature (male nature) Try not to obsess about him; get lots of other social stuff going on in your life so you don't have to worry about him; then it can just be a lovely surprise if it develops into something lovely.

You are really talking alot of sense here jetson:-)

No,I am def not having one of those chats with him,it's way too soon(and he'd run faster than a bolt of lightning if I did,lol)
I'll leave him guessing a bit:-)
It'll be soo nice to see him again though.My daughter's been off sick for a while,and has woken me up like 4 times a night,and this morning she threw a HUGE tantrum,so I'm totally shattered!!!
He'll be a very welcome distraction!(just hopes madam won't keep waking up again,argh!lol)