Can casual ever become "serious"?

[tetti]

For anyone who's read my recent post(have I lost my marbles!lol),you'll know that I recently started seeing a younger guy on a casual basis.
Now,casual is easier said than done,isn't it,at least for women.

I am a bit confused,a few days ago,before we first went further together,he told me he didn't want to mess me around,but that he didn't want a relationship or anything serious,but if I wanted to talk and more(ehum),that was cool,but up to me.
I thought,that's completely fine by me,I have 3 months ago come out of a 12 year long realtionship,and don't want to get heavy as in moving in with someone for eg.

So ,we met up,talked and had our fun.I sent him a txt saying I was totally cool with it being casual, and then told him to ring me next week if he felt like it,he called the next day!
We met up yesterday and same thing,talking loads,sex,(and loads of cuddles from him!:-)
He was more attentive than before,but that was what got me.
I know soo much about him already,and I don't have to ask any questions about him,he just talks and tells me!
I know all about his childhood,family and life.

This is what I find confusing,if it's so casual,why really bother to get to know everything about the other person?(if you're going to have sex and dissappear a few weeks or months down the line).
Because,surely,the better you get to know eachother,the harder it'll be to let go?

I dk how mens brains work,but I am soo confused.
I am not going to ask-Where is this going?,as we agreed on casual just some days ago,but it's like we got closer after getting into bed!,we actually started to talk more then..
It's doing my head in.I knew I took a great emotional risk by sleeping with him in the first place,but we had been flirting badly for months and months,and the physical attraction was so great I couldn't not take the risk! My head just didn't rule over my body at all,I wanted him and that was it,and had for months.

I do not have any preconcieved ideas here,I do not believe that I can make him fall for me,but have anyone else gone from casual to more "commited"?(not as far as in living together,but in having a relationship)

Oh no,he ain't calling the shots here,I am.
He has rung and wanted to see me,and I just go-Nah,I'm busy,call another time!:-)
I won't let him think I'm at his beck and call 24/7,if I'm around and not busy I'll see him.That's how I have to play it,treat them mean etc...

The thing is, people have different reasons for saying they want a casual relationship so it's difficult for any of us to assess his intentions. But it sounds to me like you have the basis for something good, which is all I would worry about at this stage

Yep,one has to live for the moment and not worry about tomorrow.
I am not thinking I am going to "tame " this one,although I have tamed some serious players in the past,lol.I just have to enjoy it,get on with my life in the meantime and just fill it with my daughter and my friends.No one knows what will happen tomorrow,but I am not raising my hopes.Whatever will be will be,as they say..:-)

it isnt issuing an ultimatum, it is just telling him you feel differently now, so you arent sure what you should do about it

if you think you cant carry on the casual thing then i think you should tell him, that's all

I think it's way too early to tell him how I feel,it's only gone a week!
You gotta play it cool or you'll ruing any chance of anything ever happening.

I think it's way too early to tell him how I feel,it's only gone a week!
You gotta play it cool or you'll ruing any chance of anything ever happening.

you agreed you were just casual tho, if in your head you cant do that, then i think you need to tell him and bow out gracefully

i did this with my exbf, told him as i wasnt sure i could keep to the agreement i was not going to see him anymore

i didnt see him for 2 weeks, then he made an excuse to come see me, from then on we were a couple

this was about 3 weeks after meeting him, and i had never had any problems sticking to a casual thing before, in fact i was hte one who walked away if i felt the bloke was getting too attached

Lou is she telling him for his benefit or hers?

Why should I put any pressure on him so early? I can't see why?
For all you know he might be having the same feelings,but won't tell me for the same reasons.
I'm sorry,but I'm sure as he'll ain't becoming all "Oh baby,I love you!" after sleeping with him 3 times in a week,it takes just a tad longer for feelings to develop.
What I'm saying is,I could fall,sure,so could he,but to start the relationship chat so soon? Tbh,that is just a recipe for disaster,so that's one piece of advice I'll not take.Clingy and talking relationships before you even know eachother? If I was like that I'd stay single for life!lol

Personally after only a week I would keep the 'heavy chats' to myself for a week or two and enjoy the sex...(and cuddles)

stop the chatting and do the loving

for hers

i dont see why its pressure to say sorry i dont think i can do this

but the main thing is she has to be able to cope with however she chooses to go forward

What you have to consider here is whether or not you are expecting him to be monogamous. Frankly, if he has said that he wants a casual relationship, then you have no right to expect him to be monogamous: he hasn't offered monogamy and may not want to. This does not make him a bad person.

This seems to me to be the way most people get hurt in 'casual' relationships: they don't discuss at what point such relationships should become sexually exclusive (if at all) and instead assume that the other person feels the same way, leading to hurt feelings and angry accusations. Better to have a friendly chat with him about whether or not he is, or is intending to date or have sex with other people, and whether you are going to do likewise.

tetti i think i agree with you, doing all the serious talk could scare him off big time. But on the otherhand you dont want to waste weeks and weeks on something that is going nowhere.
Tough one, sorry i cant help more, i was in the same position but just decided to leave it up to him, havent heard since!!!!

Yep,it's not a hassle free situation,is it?lol

blimey i agree with madamez it's the exclusive bit that i would think he may not be expecting to do

Also the lack of exclusivity would put me off in the end.

But i wouldnt be too scared to ask if he was sleeping with other people...if the answer was yes i would just not plan on keeping in touch with him.

Lots of men want 'casual' relationships, it gives them the freedom to keep their options open!

I don't mind casual dating but not just popping round to get their leg over, take me for a drink/dinner out at least.

It's like the episode of friends where Phoebe has a man that wouldn't sleep with her and he said he respected her to much to mess around and didn't want a relationship and no monogomy, so she said no worries and did the deed, Joey then points out the man got her to agree to no strings sex, no need for phone calls etc (can't explain it properly but it was very funny)

It think a man that wants casual just wants to be able to play around

Yep,if they don't want a relationship that's it,isn't it.Mind you,my ex just wanted to have fun with me initially,but then we ended up with a child 8 years later,and split 12 years after we met (a casual that turned into something slightly more than we both expected to say the least!)

It's hard to tell,I just to be playing the field like mad before I met the ex,and settling down was the last thing I wanted,but I got emotionally attached in the end,so did he,and we were both very wary!
Who knows,I'll give it a bit more time before deciding what to do.
I am not ready for a full on thing as in meeting every day and planning months ahead,but,I dk,I am confused too!
I know I fancy t pants off him and it's great to spend time w him,but I can't say I have fallen in love yet,that takes bit longer.doesn't it..

of course if you worried about getting hurt you would never do anything

I've just started a casual fling..it has to be done i think

I'd be more inclined to run away shrieking from anyone who said they wanted 'this relationship to be serious' after the first date anyway. Nothing wrong with keeping it casual at the beginning, while you;re getting to know each other: casual relationships can be great. F*ckbuddy relationships, where you have sex occasionally, don;t see each other all the time but get on well when you do, can be really good (and can last for years, usually until one or other of you decides to embark on monogamy with someone else). Relationships don't have to follow a single pattern, but if you think you want something different to what the other person wants then you maybe need to step in before any misunderstandings occur.

Yeah,I think that after 12 years w someone I'd like to see someone casually in a way.
I'd hate to live with a man again,tbh.
Ideally,what I'd like is to meet up for fun and get on well too(which we do,we can talk about anything,he's very easy to be around and v easy to talk to,and obviously,the way he opens up to me I know he feels the same.
He still lives at home,he's got his fitness thing going,his music thing,it's not like he lives on his own or w mates,he's very close to his family(haven't been to see him obviously,we have to meet at mine as meeting his mum wouldn't be a great idea,haha)
He has got his life and I've got mine,I guess in a way I am using him as much as he's using me.When he rang last time it was like-Can I see you? I mean,if you want to,you don't have to...eh,it would be relly nice to see you (and he sounded a little bit worried in case I'd say-Nah!,lol)
I did tell him that I wasn't ready for anything really heavy so soon,so he might be thinking along the same lines as me,who knows,or maybe he don't.
But after we did have sex he became more keen,I practically have to tell him to leave in the morning (as I don't want my daughter to see him here).

I don't call him at all,even though he said I could,I just txt him sometimes.I would hate him to think that I was clingy,and I just let him do the chasing for now...
I dk if that's the right way to handle things,bu t for now as things stand,it does seem to keep his interest going as he doesn't know where he's got me!

"but if you think you want something different to what the other person wants then you maybe need to step in before any misunderstandings occur."

this is what i have been saying

That is it,I dk if what I want is different to what he wants,if you get what I am saying.
He is getting in touch w me more than I am,and not just to get his leg over.
Do you see what I am getting at,before sleeping w him I was as cool as a cucumber,who is to say he doesnt feel a bit more towards me to,but as I keep repeating,that converstaion is way to early to have.If you have been seeing eachother for a few months,then yeah,but now,no,you just cant do that.You got to give the other person room to breathe and not suffocate them w relationship talk 1 week into it!
Believe me,no guy would know how they feel so early on...