Can casual ever become "serious"?

[tetti]

For anyone who's read my recent post(have I lost my marbles!lol),you'll know that I recently started seeing a younger guy on a casual basis.
Now,casual is easier said than done,isn't it,at least for women.

I am a bit confused,a few days ago,before we first went further together,he told me he didn't want to mess me around,but that he didn't want a relationship or anything serious,but if I wanted to talk and more(ehum),that was cool,but up to me.
I thought,that's completely fine by me,I have 3 months ago come out of a 12 year long realtionship,and don't want to get heavy as in moving in with someone for eg.

So ,we met up,talked and had our fun.I sent him a txt saying I was totally cool with it being casual, and then told him to ring me next week if he felt like it,he called the next day!
We met up yesterday and same thing,talking loads,sex,(and loads of cuddles from him!:-)
He was more attentive than before,but that was what got me.
I know soo much about him already,and I don't have to ask any questions about him,he just talks and tells me!
I know all about his childhood,family and life.

This is what I find confusing,if it's so casual,why really bother to get to know everything about the other person?(if you're going to have sex and dissappear a few weeks or months down the line).
Because,surely,the better you get to know eachother,the harder it'll be to let go?

I dk how mens brains work,but I am soo confused.
I am not going to ask-Where is this going?,as we agreed on casual just some days ago,but it's like we got closer after getting into bed!,we actually started to talk more then..
It's doing my head in.I knew I took a great emotional risk by sleeping with him in the first place,but we had been flirting badly for months and months,and the physical attraction was so great I couldn't not take the risk! My head just didn't rule over my body at all,I wanted him and that was it,and had for months.

I do not have any preconcieved ideas here,I do not believe that I can make him fall for me,but have anyone else gone from casual to more "commited"?(not as far as in living together,but in having a relationship)

Agree with lou & zippi.

How are things?

not bad thanks, you?

I've had a pants day! DS1 appears to have caught second vomit bug in as many weeks, and threw up over his top bunk last night once again, this time all vomit landed on the carpet & I wanted to cry!
Once again, new man was round visiting me!

Have been house bound, deprived of adult company, and scrubbing sick, so was feeling rather sorry for myself!

Other than that, things are just dandy!!

Is all good with your new man?

oh god poor thing!

yes think so, he went home yesterday, probably wont see him now til saturday

will see how it goes

Has he been staying with you a while then?
Fingers crossed all goes well for you two this time.

if you go on msn will update you

ok, will sign in. Was watching "I'm a celebrity" but got bored!

lol hardly surprising!

Sod it,I stopped playing cool.
Sent him a txt last night and he replied about 30 seconds later,we were txting back and forth,and are meeting up again in the week.
I think I've been playing it too cool tbh,and I just have to be myself,too told to play games!lol

if you feel like getting in touch then do, if you dont, dont, it's a lot easier that way

i really dont see why women shouldnt make as much or as little effort as men

Yep,I think all that treat them mean keep them keen might backfire a bit after all,they may just take it as we don't care!

in all fairness, why wouldnt men feelt he same? they arr not robots.

if you dont get in touch it comes across as not giving a shit, that's the same for men and women i think

Totally,we often seem to think that men have no feelings,or that they should do all the chasing (I'm guitly of the latter one myself),and think"Well,if he's really keen,he'll call me,even if he hasn't heard a word from me in days!lol
Maybe that tactic wasn't that good after all..
My sister went yesterday"Oh,no,you have to play hard to get,don't txt him until you hear from him first!",but it was driving me a bit mad,so I sent him a txt,and it didn't backfire,just the opposite:-)

that play hard to get is bull i think

i dont see what is wrong in just being you

if something is on your mind say it, it doesnt have to be heavy, but you are allowed to say what you like, and then the other person can choose what to do from then on

my new bf was a grump yesterday, really short , so i said ok when you are less moody get in touch, and left it there, i certainly wasn't going to faff about him for no reason, so i just told him

he called at lunchtime nice as pie, "oh i was a rat yesterday, wasnt i?"

lol

I must say lou33 i have noticed that you do seem to talk an awful lot of sense about relationships and I admire your attitude! You are your own woman!!

I just got that book (god knows why) 'he is just not into you' plus found some other rules about not contacting etc which I posted but as you say if you follow this so called wisdom you are really being true to yourself. Perhaps that's more important really.

And it puts one in a rather powerless position if you are just sitting waiting around all the time for a text or a call. That doesn't fit with my basic personality of being proactive about things and needing to know where I am at and what I am doing.

And puts all the onus on the man who as you say are not robots and have feelings too. Might like some of the weight taken off them especially if it's casual thing.

I am so confused about all this dating stuff - as confused as I was when I was playing the field before got married. Now divorced and so much older doesn't get any easier and the feelings still the same!!

Good luck Tetti.

thanks citylover thats really nice of you

i guess my attitude has come about through trial and error, especially since i split with my exh 2 yrs ago

maybe my age as well, i just dont see the point in playing silly games of one upmanship

i just decided that i am what i am and say what i think, not nastily tho (well maybe sometimes in extreme circumstances)

i do find it is better to be honest and to the point, then both parties know where they stand and it can go on or not from there

i will not waste time wondering if i have done or said the right/wrong thing, sitting waiting for the phone to ring or making a stalkerish amount of texts/calls, lol

Thank's:-)

yes,this dating stuff is sooo confusing,after all,I was off the market for 12 years,so to speak!
It's like I'm all new to this again.
I did have casual encounters before my ex,but they're were just one off's,or twice with the same guy at the most(well,I was very,very young!lol),then I met the ex,and it was kind of casual,only for 3 weeks though,then he asked me to move in!(crazy!)

But even with the ex I didn't feel this huge instant sexual attraction that I feel for this younger guy (w the ex it just kind of grew..).Well,2 days since I saw him,starting to get that frustrated feeling back again,lol!(the feeling that prompts you to call or txt-Get your butt over here now!lol).

i think we make it as complicated or simple as we choose tbh

women tend to over analyse more than men imo , and think too far ahead

i just try and enjoy it for what it is now, if a date doesnt work out then i see it as a learning curve, it makes me realise what i dont want, but it still got me out of the house for a couple of hours

also , i may be wrong, but i think women seem to attach more feelings to having sex than men do, so if they do the deed, it must mean he has some feelings for you because he was so nice etc

frankly, men and women are not going to be a shit if they want to get someone into bed, they say what they think needs to be said to get the end result

it's just most women seem to need to justify having sex by attaching feelings, when in fact you can have a jolly good shag just for hte hell of it!

With regard to the contacting each other, I find it helpful to bear in mind a 3-strikes rule ie if you txt or phone someone and they don't get back to you, or say they can;t come round to see you or whatever, if you get a negative or no response 3 times in a row, then the next move definitely has to come from them.
But it sounds like tetti-s toyboy is happy to hear from her each time she gets in touch at the moment, so enjoy .

Just bear in mind the most crucial definition of 'casual' for a lot of people is not exclusive.

yes thats v good advice madamez

V good indeed.No,casual is never exclusive,it(any relationship) would have to get onto a more deeper or serious level for that to happen.If it's exclusive,then it'd be like you commit in a way,wouldn't it.