Can casual ever become "serious"?

[tetti]

For anyone who's read my recent post(have I lost my marbles!lol),you'll know that I recently started seeing a younger guy on a casual basis.
Now,casual is easier said than done,isn't it,at least for women.

I am a bit confused,a few days ago,before we first went further together,he told me he didn't want to mess me around,but that he didn't want a relationship or anything serious,but if I wanted to talk and more(ehum),that was cool,but up to me.
I thought,that's completely fine by me,I have 3 months ago come out of a 12 year long realtionship,and don't want to get heavy as in moving in with someone for eg.

So ,we met up,talked and had our fun.I sent him a txt saying I was totally cool with it being casual, and then told him to ring me next week if he felt like it,he called the next day!
We met up yesterday and same thing,talking loads,sex,(and loads of cuddles from him!:-)
He was more attentive than before,but that was what got me.
I know soo much about him already,and I don't have to ask any questions about him,he just talks and tells me!
I know all about his childhood,family and life.

This is what I find confusing,if it's so casual,why really bother to get to know everything about the other person?(if you're going to have sex and dissappear a few weeks or months down the line).
Because,surely,the better you get to know eachother,the harder it'll be to let go?

I dk how mens brains work,but I am soo confused.
I am not going to ask-Where is this going?,as we agreed on casual just some days ago,but it's like we got closer after getting into bed!,we actually started to talk more then..
It's doing my head in.I knew I took a great emotional risk by sleeping with him in the first place,but we had been flirting badly for months and months,and the physical attraction was so great I couldn't not take the risk! My head just didn't rule over my body at all,I wanted him and that was it,and had for months.

I do not have any preconcieved ideas here,I do not believe that I can make him fall for me,but have anyone else gone from casual to more "commited"?(not as far as in living together,but in having a relationship)

Are you feeling confused about what you want from the relationship?

I think I might be confused as to what my feelings really are as I really dk,that's what's messing me up a bit.
I know I care a great deal for him,I obviously really,and I mean really fancy him.
But it's like,I dk what he wants from me either,or what he feels.
I don't think any of us are sure what we feel or what the other person feels,and I don't think we're quite ready for that talk either.

I also guess that having previously onely been with guy's 6 years older plus,they have been more confident in bed let's say (he's great,don't get me wrong,but I think he may find it embarrassing to suggest what he wants or likes),older guys are (well,sometimes) more mature emotionally in terms of discussing their feelings.
Having said that though,that's probably to do with ones personality and uppbringing,not age.

What I miss is when you are in a relationship,you kind of know when you'll see the other person nxt,whereas we seem to be seeing who can hold out the longest before contacting the other person (as neither wants to come across as too keen!)
This situation is starting to do my head in a bit now!
Maybe I should just do what my friends say,chill out and take it as it comes,but that can sometimes be easier said than done,especially if you dk where the other person is actually really thinking and feeling about you.

I dont think casual will work out for you, if its not for you then just be honest with him you dont have to be heavy with it, but over analysing everything is usually a sign of stronger feelings, if you want to ring him then go ahead and ring him it doesnt matter who picks the phone up first, maybe he would be grateful for you making the first move, relax

Yes,I really have to relax,am over analyzing things big time!lol

He just stopped me from going mad!
He rung as le'd left something at my place and came by,and he was so lovey dovey in front of his mate that my mind was put at ease a little bit.Time to stop overanalyzing things and go w it! I actually have a feeling that we are both very quietly developing more than just "casual" feelings for eachother,you can tell.But knowing me and him,we won't own up to it,if u both have been hurt before,you are twice as cautious!

it sounds like you are very keen for it to be a relationship rather than casual sex..hope it goes ok

what people say and do sexually is i think more to do with personality and character and stuff than age

age is more important when it comes to things like your everyday relationship..only does it matter if you are having a full relationship not a casual one imo

Yes,I am certainly at risk of developing stronger than just casual feelings for this guy(eh,probably already have)
But I am so cautious,the last few years of my previous relationship were rotten.
The ex wasn't physically abusive or anything,but when we met I was the most confident person,he put me down at every given opportunity though,so by the end of it all I had zilch self confidence left,couldn't care less about my appearance or myself.

Now it's like I have re-discovered life again(and clothes and makeup!lol),and I guess part of my attraction for this guy(apart from that I find him unbeliavably physically attractive of course!),is that he actually finds me sexy and attractive,it's like a real confidence boost.

I really dk know what is going to happen here,but until I am absolutely sure of what I am really feeling (if is it lust or infatuation only,or if my feelings will it turn into something else),then I am not going to have a chat with him about it.
If he asked me how I was feeling about him,I just wouldn't know what to say,confused doesn't begin to describe how I feel,but at least I feel alive!lol

i had an exh like that, so have been through the same thing you are right now

It's hard,isn't it?(and very confusing!)
I think,why on earth did I put up with my ex for sooo long when I am so much happier now?
Had I known what was just around the corner,what with me and our daughter living happily(and much happier!) in a new home,my whole personality's changed for the better(I can be myself and be in control of my life),and of course,this toyboy being the same guy that I had fantasised about for ages,especially during the last horrible 6 months or so w the ex!lol

I look forward to every day now,I don't dread waking up because of being in a totally loveless relationship.Had I known life on my own w my child would be like this,then I wish I'd tried it earlier!

ikwym, i tried for 4 yrs to get the strength to leav him, i only wish i had done it at the off

Oh yes,thinking about it,I fell out of love with him way before we had a child,but thank god I stuck w him,or I wouldn't have my wonderful little girl!
I just knew it when I went on a hol without him,and I didn't miss him one bit!
Now when I see him I think-Thank god I'm not living with you anymore!,he became a real pain in the backside to live with.
Treated me like a skivvy,no compliments ever,no thank's for everything I did for our family,just put downs,and then he had the cheek to expect sex!
At least now I have sex because I want to with a man that I fancy the pants off,not because I HAVE to with a man who did nothing for me at all anymore!

yes ikwym!

Isn't it funny how scared one gets to leave someone,although one doesn't love them anymore,it's the fear of leaving the familiar behind,isn't it?.My friends couldn't believe how well I took it when the ex left,but I was far from heartbroken,of course I cried,but not for very long,my only fear was how I was going to cope financially really,but funnily enought (touch wood),I am better off in that dept as well really.

I also thought I would not see any man in any capacity at all for years to come,I thought what with work and my life just revolving around my child pretty much,how could I possibly meet anyone.But,seems like pretty much anything can happen,you just never know what's round the corner!

i think you lose your self confidence as well. my exh certainly chipped away at mine

it came back when i left him tho, slowly

Going back to the original subject,I think I might have a rare moment of clarity here,lol.
Would we realistically ever have a future together?,no,I hardly think so.
Here we have a guy in his mid 20's,very fit,very easy on the eye,doesn't have his own place,years and years ago since he had a so called serious relationship, a bit of a commitment phobe,you could probably spot him in any rap video,you know that kind of flash guy you'd see with the designer gear a v flash car to boot and all the bling in the world!lol.

Then we have me,in my early 30's,single mum,organised life,very independent too,but maybe ideally I'd like someone who could offer me more of an emotional commitment,someone who rings every day (even if we don't meet every day..),but not someone to move in as I'd hate to share my space with a man again!lol

The toyboy is sexy as hell,don't get me wrong,and I like him a lot,but I think all there will ever be is sex (who knows,I may be proved wrong,but I kind of doubt it)

It is nice that you're having a bit of fun, but if this guy has made it clear he doesn't want to get into a relationship, and you start to develop stronger feelings for him, you do run the risk of being hurt.

If you think you can detach yourself from developing strong feelings & just enjoy meeting him for a bit of fun & a confidence boost, then go for it, but otherwise I would take a step back before getting hurt.

I dk if my feelings are as strong as I thought,that moment of clarity kind of made me think it's just a case of lust and infatuation,better keep my rosetinted glasses firmly off,lol

yes there is a down side to older woman younger men relationships

my exbf and i split when he emigrated, but in all probabilty we wouldnt have lived happily ever after, as he said if he had stayed he would have wanted me to have a baby with him (i have been sterilised and already have 4)

tbh even if i could have kids, i doubt i could have agreed to another one, the thought of having 5 kids fills me with terror, and what if i ended up raising them alone again? Four kids is a lot to take on in return for one of your own

i still dont regret one single minute of it though, i will always have a great love for him

My emotions really are on one helluva rollercoaster. I do tell myself I couldn't really care less whether I see him or not,but who am I kidding really?
I am 33,I don't do mindgames,but that seems to be what we're both doing in regards to playing with eachothers minds.
Like I said,I never call him,have done so only the once to return his call,we do txt,but I'm like-Ok,he answered my txt,now I won't txt him again until he sends me a txt first! What am I,a teenager?(I do sound like one!)
You can tell I've never done casual relationships before,can't you?
Well,before the ex,sure,I had casual sex,but that was one night stands,nothing of this kind,and it really confuses me as there are no set rules on how to behave,u dk if you're acting too cool or playing too hard to get,or what will be seen as being too keen (oh boy,am I confused!lol)

I want to txt him now,but I better lock away the phone so that I won't!lol

i dont think casual has anything to do with who texts who, but more how you text and what it says

there is nothing wrong texting him asking how he is and if he fancies a bit of a romp, as long as you are cool if he says he is busy

you would text a mate if you fancied a chat, same thing really

maybe hte fact you never appear to make the effort could put him off too

I think if it's casula then u just don't worry about these things because i tdoesn't matter..if it matters then it's not good for u

exactly

i just text if i get replies or not lol...i'm pretty sure he will rock up for sex again but he doesn't bother texting unless he wants to..but to me it's not the end of the world as he is casula

right idea i think