Support for essbee 2

[anorak]

Here it is...

Message withdrawn

must go to bed myself, or I will never get up. feel free to CAT me,

Night then. Open invitation to New Jersey here too - I have a 9 yo who can paddy with the best of them.

essbee, I can't add much to the wise words of turqoise and nikkim - this is a decision only you can make. Your ex has already gone through mediation and relate with you and it didn't work, and that strikes a warning bell. But it's also possible that he has grown up in the last year. You've changed a lot, so why not him? But then again, the finality of the divorce, the practical implications for him might be making him manipulate you. But you say the apology he gave you had to be genuine - and you know him like no one else can. I just don't know. All I can say is take it slowly.

Long before we were married or had children, I broke up with my dh - or rather, he left me for someone else. The reasons for the break up, at the time, seemed cut and dried. But many months after we broke up, he wanted us to get back together again and I let my heart rule my head. It seemd a huge risk at the time. 17 years later and we are still together. We have not got the perfect relationship (as you say, who has) but the reasons causing our original break up have never surfaced again.

MSN me if you want to, and I'll say more.

Can you see how much your ex is prepared to work on you getting back together - ask him if he'll see relate again, come over more to be with the children, anything that makes him prove he is genuine. I don't envy your decision.

He hasn't grown up in the last year otherwise he wouldn't have set you up at work with emails and done all the other terrible things

Make a list of all the things he's done to you over the past 13 months... were they the actions of someone who cares about you?

Do you want him or just someone?

Essbee, please don't go back to him. He was violent to your son and to you.

That's an excellent point ff.

Do you really have to make any decision essbee? Is it enough just to wait and see? don't dismiss what he now says, but not believe it either.

The work email stuff needs explaining by him definitely. Also, if he is so remorseful, he should want the best for you all whatever you decide to do. So that should make divorce negotiations interesting.

I don't know what I'd do, apart from wait, tbh.

In fact, write a list of all the things he's done and said. Where did he say he was happy for you and your children to live? What has he sent to your email account(s)? What has he stolen from you? How has he supported his children financially? How has he supported his children emotionally?

It would take a lot more than words to persuade me he'd changed.

FWIW, I don't think you should take him back, I think he's just trying to control you. Again.

I'd always support you through whatever you choose to do - you know that.

Hi essbee, just checking in on you again after yesterday (or this morning!).

I hope having some child free space today, gives you the chance to think things through.

My feeling throughout the converation last night was that actually, you've made your decision and need to move on. But, for all sorts of understandable reasons, you are fragile and vulnerable at the moment and your ex saying all this stuff to you, opens up the wounds that you have been trying to heal over in the past 10 months.

The loneliness and lack of self esteem that can result from ending a difficult relationship aren't good reasons to re-establish it, nor is the fact that you wish things could be as they were when things were good between you.

I know you feel awful, but you seem very in touch with your own feelings about this and will come to a decision that's right for you.

hi essbee, only just see that. agree completely with PMDD's most recent posts. there is something more you want out of life - just don't confuse it with having ah back! if ah was seriously repentant, he wouldn't have behaved to you as he has done very recently. and all that - I was stressed at work rubbish - well he didn't thump his bosses, did he, just maltreated a defenceless woman and children, which shows just how unpleasant he can be. i don't think leopards change their spots without very serious motivation and an investment in time, and therapy and anger management.

Message withdrawn

For what its worth i always want my x back and he is
a bad man, weird really. I don't even let him talk to me anymore though, he stays at the front door. You really have to imagine that if you get back with him things would be the same and you would be your own worst enemy. Imagine being with someone who doesn't scare you or hit you or make you feel like shit. Who wouldn't put you through the unbearable pain of the last year. I personally never want to feel this shit in my life again and i'm afraid thats how my x makes me feel. Like a worthless human being who doesn't deserve to be loved. I close my eyes and think how nice it would be to go out with someone who is sensitive and wants to take care of me. Not someone who constantly makes me feel like an oxygen thief.

Hi essbee, my goodness, what a lot of posts to catch up on from during the night!!

I completely agree with fairyfly. You only want him back because your self-esteem is so low that you think someone who lies, steals, runs you down, intimidates and beats you and your son is good enough for you. The only reason you have for accepting him is that you love him. You don't have a single reason that is actually something good about him. The only value he has is that he is loved by you.

Stop loving him. You can. Just say to yourself, I deserve better than this. I will not cast my pearls before swine any more. When you believe you deserve to be treated kindly and lovingly ALL the time, every day, then you will find someone who will do so. And it won't be him.

Dr Phil says we teach people how to treat us. You have taught him that if he beats you, bullies you, neglects you, makes your life a misery, plagues you with illegal and disgusting emails etc etc the result will be that you love him.

Teach him something different. Teach him that the way he has treated you has resulted in your decision that no matter how tender your feeling for him are, he can never have you again. Teach him that you are not to be treated the way he has treated you. While you are at it, convince yourself too. Hold your head up high, you are a kind and loving woman who did not deserve the cruel things he did to you. Be proud of who you are and do not give your precious love and kindness away ever again until you find someone who deserves something so valuable.

Essbee, i really think your not ready for a relationship with anyone, least of all him. What i mean is if you get strong now and independent you will then find someone on the same level. You don't need a man to validate who you are. Once you know you can survive on your own and can be happy alone then you've cracked it. I think you need to get to that point of loving yourself again otherwise you will be needing someone to keep you up and make you feel good which will only lead to disaster. Find out who you are again, get strong, nuture yourself and become happy in your own heart. Then and only then will you get the kind of man you deserve. Hope i'm making sense a little knackered today. I just know if i had met someone last year i would have been so bloody needy and thought i deserved to get treated like crap. It would have been self destructive. Take care and please forget him and think of you and what you want out of your life.

You said it anorak!

You seem much more at peace with your feelings about your ex. It's possible, of course he can be an arse yet still feel some remorse, but not enough to stop him being an arse. You might well have picked up on some genuine feeling from him yesterday - you know him so well after all. He might be full of all sorts of emotions - he might not be an arse 100% of the time, but unfortunatly for you, the bad emotions seem to win through the most.

If you want to find out if there was any lasting truth in his words, you could test him out with some request for action. Let him put his money where his mouth is. You have nothing to lose, if you are strong enough to bear the pain of being disappointed.

Message withdrawn

found this meet up in your area. Hope you can go.

How on earth did I miss all this???

Message withdrawn

Hi essbee

This thread is far too long and slow. I'm starting a new one for you...