Separateddads.co.uk - OMG!!!!

[NooNooMummy]

Incitement to hatred if ever I saw it!!!

Now I know where all the hatred, bile and illogical behaviour comes from! (Take a look at their chat forum...)

Or is it just me that thinks it's full of misogynistic hatred for single mothers?

Isn't the dad supposed to be the primary breadwinner fir the family? So once he's no longer living with the family that responsibility ends? So he doesn't have to pay anything towards supporting his children. Because that's what it sounds like

Isn't the dad supposed to be the primary breadwinner fir the family? So once he's no longer living with the family that responsibility ends? So he doesn't have to pay anything towards supporting his children. Because that's what it sounds like

So all women abdicate their responsibility to provide once they have kids, and should rely on a man instead?

Both parents should aim to be “breadwinners”. We aren’t in the 50’s

And no, a man isn’t “primary breadwinner” for a family he no longer lives with. He should pay for his children and their costs only.

If the nrp is female who is “primary breadwinner” then?

The attitude that men pay and women look after the kids is exactly why these problems exist.

I think Disney was being ironic

NooNooMummy

yes

@emilybrontescorsett seen that many times. When you challenge them they say 'I can't afford a solicitor' to which I reply 'if you self represent the application fee is £215 (in my area)' then they don't know what to say....

I think the thing that pissed me off the most about these self centered people, is that the don't accept any responsibility for the shit they have caused. Yesterday my X wound the kids up by saying she wanted their dogs (you know like that kitten technique).

Fine, no problem, just pay me the 10k that I'm owed for paying her debts, paying for the dogs and lending her the money to get drunk rent a flat.

I'd happily write it off if the fuckwit shuts the fuck up and stops winding the kids up.

So the overwhelming consensus is that the Nrp (usually the dad) should stay out of it and take the kids to McDonald’s once every two weeks and just keep the money coming.
Since the law won’t conceivably change in my life time, we need to educate men and boys about the life destroying risks of having children. They are only your children for as long as you remain in a relationship with their mother.

Which particular law are you talking about? If you have any orders from the family courts, which you feel aren't being adhered to return to court with evidence and a compelling argument and have the sanctions upheld. If I don't comply with any of the court orders that are in place for the children, I'll be fined or held in contempt. Its printed in bold on the orders and I know my X has a copy of them because I was there when my barrister handed a copy if the orders to my X.

Presumed 50/50 shared care.

That's not a law, that's an adjudication by a judge subject to interpretation of family law and the facts presented and stated in the contact/child living arrangement order or if you haven't gone to court to get orders then it's a casual agreement between adults with parental responsibility

Youve misunderstood Disney, it wasn’t about your ex or what she did, or whether presumed 50/50 shared care is law. I do have a child arrangement order. The point was, again, that boys should be educated on the risks of having children.

parent99 i don't think most parents want that no.
I think what the majority want is for both parents to put their dc first and stop trying to get one over on the other parent.
It is difficult to be reasonable whilst going through an acrimonious break up. Yet at some point there is room for both parties to come up with a fair plan.
I do think a lot of resident parents come to the very sad conclusion that the dc are better without the nrp, but I think this is the fault of the nrp in the vast majority of cases.
They bring it all in themselves by various methods the most popular being:
Refusing to pay child maintenance
Moaning about financially supporting their child so much that the child becomes aware of it.
Refusing to step up and look after their child
Putting everything and anyone before their own child. This includes the new partner, the new partners dcs, friends, football matches, overtime at work, drinking, socialusing, trips away and every excuse under the sun.
Slagging off the rp so the child feels uncomfortable in their presense.
Buggering off and leaving the child with a hostile new partner who makes it clear that they don't appreciate having to parent the child.
Then a new woman comes along and questions why the nrp doesn't see the kids and the usual response is that the rp has stopped them!

I think whilst the law allows irresponsibility it will continue.
Coincidentally, I received a letter telling me that the csa (or whatever they call themselves) won't be perusing unpaid maintenance from my ex h as they feel they won't be able to recover it.
So the message is loud and clear. This government encourages men to be irresponsible, fuck the children they really aren't that important.

boys should be educated on the risks of having children.

that must be the the most shallow, trite, condescending thing stated. How would you go about doing that eh!

I think there is already something that does just that it's called misogyny, entitlement and privilege more simply put sulking about not getting your own way.

Disney there really is no need to be so rude, you can agree to disagree. I’d explain the point if it made a difference but clearly it won’t.

Spot on Emily

Yes absolutely @emily

@parent999 I also thought that your comments were petulant and irresponsible. I also think you miss the point of parenting. It isn’t ‘having to have 50/50’. It’s being a parent and many separated Dads seem to miss one of the biggest things they can do to be a parent after separation is to...
...support the resident parent, the mother in most cases. By proper maintenance, that doesn’t just disappear when they feel like it, and being a parent by not taking the kids to McDonald’s but actually cooking a decent dinner. By keeping an eye on their schooling, attending parents evenings, on their health by taking an interest and by not starting unnecessary conflict with the mother.

My Ex blames me for everything. Yet

• has never attended a parents evening, school play or sports match
• regularly and without notice skips maintenance
• lowered maintenance
• has no interest in his schooling or health. But makes DS tell him it all and then uses that to rant that I’m not good enough by text.
• tells DS I’m not a good parent or person and that he pays too much
• has often given DS big presents like iPhones when he’s too young without asking me then dropped maintenance to pay for them.

Now tell me where in the above is the parent or acting in the child’s best interests! It’s not just about how often. Most single parents are exhausted, alone and desperate for a supportive Ex.

Rp do the same though can't they? Dp ex regular restricts acess, parenting rights and generally amkes life extrwamly hard fpr him.to effectively parent. So far this year....ex the rp has...
Cut acess by 40% as she changed her job so can do childcare then and her seeing children is more important (we are taking it to court now)
Tells the children she has a solicitor who has advised her not to let them see daddy ( not healthy for children, all we ahve said is mummy and daddy both love you so much they want to see you more so we're trying to resolve it. Nothing to worry about as it means everyone just wnats to see you as much as possible).
She refuses to tell him when parents evening is and school won't let him have a separate apointment (this is now resolved with school following four letters, head meeting etc. But it was awful.)
Refuses to let him visit or have a say in the children's high school preferences selection, despite him communicating regularly over it. - seperate letters went in orver this.
Threatening to move to other end of the UK, despite him working some weekends so would make regualr acess impossible. Again going to court.
Refuses to let him take them overseas on holiday.
Insists we feed kids what they like - rather than veg/fruit alongside what they like.
Won't take kids to sports etc on our old days (that she removed acess on) as it's not her problem (swimming lessons etc that kids enjoy and are already paid for).

....so honestly some.dads want to be involved and not disney parent but are blocked by to. Obviously it isn't always the case but hoenstly some dad's are trying and it must be extra frustrating! It's sad esp when like for us both parents clearly love the kids but can't seem to work together to do what's best for them.

I think everyone is equally as guilty and as someone said earlier : the kids best interests are paramount and I think having a relationship with both aprents who love you must be for the best

I’d agree @spangly that in your case the mother sounds like she is actively blocking him, however he did bring it to the court, he does go to school parents evening now? The food, sports and holidays sounds like you are both trying to control the others time though, she can’t tell you what to feed them, and you can’t tell her to take them to sports. I presume he always pays maintenance? Do you think she’s a good parent? If so, then perhaps more effort to be non conflict would help. More shared care only seems to work for the kids if both parents cooperate well, which doesn’t sound like it does in your case. Perhaps the best thing he can do for the kids is not keep fighting, but acknowledge and support the mother here, to be the best main parent.

I’m so tired of having to give my parental resume because of what other men do. I’m sorry that your ex’s aren’t doing what you think is best.
I did and do all of that and far more. I realise it’s unbelievable to most here, I can tell because you keep explaining to me what it’s like to be a parent. But I have always provided the majority of care from chicken pox to dance classes. I’m the one who looked at the schools and organised everything, I do all the homework and have never missed a single event. I’ve always paid the ex far more than is necessary because money is the last thing I need to be fighting for. This list could go on and on and on. I have to drag her along on every single co-parenting decision. But I have seen with my own eyes, the ex tell bare face lies in mediation, court and school. I am overwhelmed with how quickly people believe it and all of a sudden I’m treated like a criminal. This very thread is a testament to that. At least in court I had the chance to prove her lies and that I’d provided the majority of care. Hence the joint residence.
So tell me, how do you unlearn being a parent? How do you not worry about the string of new boyfriends that come in and out of your child’s life. When you know your child would be safer and happier living with you full time but you can’t do anything about it.
If it wasn’t for the fact we love our children unconditionally, who here wouldn’t go back and choose a better partner to start a family with?
Who wants to see their children grow up and go through all this as adults?
There needs to be more education around this subject.

How would that help the kids though? Do one parent looses acess beacuse the other is toxic - very unfair. He did nearly walk away and stop all acess as he didn't want the kids to suffer but was advised not to do that.
I agree they need to work together I really really do as it's a shame. She isn't a bad mother and he isn't a bad father. But lying and dragging chidlten into arguments is starting to change my opinion on the 'bad mother ' point.
The court is ongoing as we are in mediation. All we want is to work together and help. Dp gladly takes kids to sports on his time that ex dictates as they wnat to go. What's the difference in her time? If kids want to go and it's good for.then then they get to go : voilia.
I think a frustrating thing as an outsider is you see all the horrors being inflicted from past hurts and it's sad

@spangly how can you not see that support the RP is good for the kids?! I’m actually very surprised that this isn’t something you feel would help.

Phrases like unfair or toxic. What have they got to do with the kids needs? And getting fed up and walking away and stopping all access? It sounds very high conflict. There is an alternative. Reduce the conflict! Much of what you describe isn’t worth fighting about. I’m not saying this woman is easy, she probably isn’t. But I bet you anything if he started to see the positive in her parenting, of he boosted her good parenting specifically, didn’t skimp on maintenance, recognised that she provides the main home then at the very least the kids would have a better experience and lower conflict - and at best it might even open the door to better cooperation. Being a provider is being a parent. It’s one of the best and most selfless parenting you can do as NRP.

@parent999 I’m a bit disappointed that you used the words ‘what we think is best’ about our exes. Missing maintenance and high conflict isn’t a point of view problem. It massively impacts our kids.

Is there a 50/50 presumption now? I find that worrying because I can’t imagine a child having so much disruption. Surely it’s better for a child to have a main home, then supplemented with plenty of contact with the other parent? Also, to what extent would the court take into account the views of a child? What if the child has been brainwashed by a parent regarding what is ‘best’?

I am sceptical about all threads that have a website name in the title demanding immediate clicks. I had a bit of a look and it seemed a not very user friendly site. I did find a bit of debate on it about there not being enough use and how it might be going under so that kind of explained this OMG thread to me. Might change my name to cynical!

So basically, bananas, dads should back off, support the mums decisions regardless of whether he agrees, and pay up on time?

Why shouldn’t a father have a say in how to bring up his kids? Why shouldn’t he be included in decisions about school, medical history etc?

We had similar to spangly. Kids wanted to to swimming lessons. Mum said no. Dance lessons. Mums said no. Dad wanted to go to parents evening, so mum stopped telling him when they were. Every time he went into school to get letters home sent directly to him, she’d go in and change it. Took solicitors letters. Same with medical decisions. She wanted him to sign a letter backing her up over something. He disagreed. She went ahead anyway. She never tells him if the kids are on medication- the younger has adhd, he knows she’s medicated but not what or when. Again it took a solicitors letter to the gp for them to talk to him without her present.

But yes, things probably would be better if he put up and paid up. But not necessarily in the kids best interests.