Separateddads.co.uk - OMG!!!!

[NooNooMummy]

Incitement to hatred if ever I saw it!!!

Now I know where all the hatred, bile and illogical behaviour comes from! (Take a look at their chat forum...)

Or is it just me that thinks it's full of misogynistic hatred for single mothers?

I know very few divorced dads who would want 50/50 childcare.
Most don't give enough of a shit about their kids.
of course some do, but from what I've seen, most really dont.

And so it perpetuates...

Incidentally, several large scale studies (29000 UK children) have shown that daughters, fair better in adulthood being brought up by a single dad (non violent) than a single mum.

Amazing how many mothers deny 'Fathers rights' for the sake of their child. Anybody going to hand over their daughters full time because it will benefit their daughters? .. Thought not.

I get so angry as a Mother to see this nonsense. So what if a child has greasy hair or forgets their PE kit a couple of times a months. It has been shown that the negatives for a child are far out weighed in adulthood and creates a well balanced adult.

Sorry, that was incorrect, within the study it showed these results, this does not apply to all 29000 girls.

It did however stated that shared parenting a minimum of 14 nights a month with nrp showed better outcomes in adulthood regardless of the disadvantages in childhood (that was all 29000 children whith low conflict and non violent parents.

I apologise for incorrect information.

@User258 link please. To all the studies

@user yes link to the studies and the replications of their results. I suspect this is an example of google.

@user the evidence says that for some very cooperative co parents 50/50 can work. It does not say that this is better than any other time arrangement.

@noonoomummy I absolutely agree. If only the Dads banging on about ‘rights’ would put the same energy into banging on about their responsibilities!

I find if a parent is talking about rights it is a red flag. They are saying they want control, ownership. Mostly men seem to do this. When it is also combined with calls for 50/50 or ‘not having to pay for school uniform’ or ‘not giving the Ex maintenance’ I get inwardly very angry in behalf of the poor kids.

Incidentally, several large scale studies

I'm
Expecting more than one link

@Bananasinpyjamas11 do you have a link?

@never Yes I put it up several posts ago.

You might want to read it. It’s a highly respected Oxford summary of all the evidence combined on child contact and outcomes after separation.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 oh I'm sorry I thought you were quoting the study @User258 mentioned. Crossed wires

@never no worries! The evidence issue is important and interesting.

50/50 is really difficult on everyone and not always suitable even with 2 separated but friendly parents. The father of my eldest lives 5 minutes away, we get on well, he can see them whenever he wants, but he leaves for work at 6.30am and doesn't get back until 7pm. Even if we lived together he would only see her for 30 minutes each day, it just wouldn't make sense, financially or emotionally to have 50/50 residency. Throw fighting, hatred, childcare and the childs belongings into that and it can't possibly be good for the child.

This is the same for my DP - he works similar hours and I had two step kids 50/50 and one full time. It was crazy really.

He took them all to school in the morning, and they all got up very early just to get a lift with him. Even though there is a bus.

Unusually perhaps it was the mother who pushed for this arrangement. She couldn’t deal with the child we had full time, and screamed at my DP that he didn’t do anything for his kids - if he didn’t look after his kids in this way. Yet he had to work to pay her house and maintenance.

50/50 was about the mums needs in this case to spend most of the week not being a parent. Of course it’s the kids who lose out. They liked the freedom but could not see how being unparented much of the time impacted in them.

" I find if a parent is talking about rights it is a red flag. They are saying they want control, ownership. Mostly men seem to do this. "

No they are saying they want to be treated fairly. What's wrong with you? You think women can't be controlling? A lot of women want kids to live with them because they like to control.

So, when a mother puts her foot down about a father's nonsense, she's 'controlling'? (Just like assertive women are often labelled 'aggressive').

Honestly this thread makes me very sad. The truth is both women and men can be as equally bad as each other. Anyone who doesn't honestly see and believe that is blind.
Children need both their parents if they can possibly have them around. 50:50 or as close as possible helps achieve that, it will change when they become teenagers in a lot of cases but not always as they want hobbies n mates etc
Forget the adults: children have as much right to see father's as they do mothers and Vis a versa.

I’d agree that men and women can be bad after separation, however I think the OP had a valid point that the website listed was inciting negative behavior.

It’s also an assumption on parents that 50/50 is better. The evidence and many child’s experiences doesn’t bear this out.

So I would disagree @spangly I do think it’s really important we debate and discuss openly what ultimately, is best for children. You assume 50/50 is however if you’d read many of the constructive posts you might have another view.

" So, when a mother puts her foot down about a father's nonsense, she's 'controlling'? "

Anyone can be controlling. Even a woman.

This thread makes me sad too Spanglyprincess1. A lot of people here don't really care about father's role in kids lives. Father's only purpose seems to be to pay maintenance.

No I'm not saying 50:50 works always, I'm saying it should be assumed that shared care works until it is deemed not to for the children. For some 50:50 isn't what's best but for others it isn't. But what isn't fair is that where 50:50 isn't interested he child bests interest the other parent uses not having 50;50 as a stick to beat the other parent with eg they get no say, they don't love the kids etc. Often giving up time with them eg when teenagers and wnat to do other things hurts the parent but they put the children first.

The autocorrection my phone made that almost illegible - sorry!

user what are you talking about?
Seriously.
I be know 2 people raised soley by their fathers. Well 5 kids in total but that is only 2 families and I am good friends with only 2.
One was my mum's partner and her kids.
Their dad did a great job but he had to really because their mum walked away, just like 1000s of dad's do all the time.
The other did ok ish. Her mum left too. Her auntie actually raised her and her brother. Her dad married an awful woman and my friend is non contact with Her dad's wife.uNfortunately I don't know where f you could say get dad did a great job in raising them as her brother turned to alcohol and it killed him at a young age.She blames her mother leaving and her dad being more concerned about his love life than his dc. Apparently there was no parental control. The dc could do as they please and her brother started started drinking way before he turned 18.

To say daughters do better living with a single dad is bullshit.

I was raised single handed my by my wonderful mum and she did a great job.

Nrp can and often do cause damage to their dc. That is usually their fault entirely. Don't blame the resident parent who is doing the vast majority themselves.

My ex tells people he gets his best with our dc. Yes sure he does 😠

Remember nobody is going to tell you :
I pay as little maintenance as I can get away with.
I could see my kids 3 times a week but if rather go out on the piss/shag around with anything I can/play my man games.
Oh and usually they tell you they can't see their kids whilst out, drinking and socialising.

Some people's idea of putting their dc first is very very off.

No I'm not saying 50:50 works always, I'm saying it should be assumed that shared care works until it is deemed not to for the children.

@spangly You see that is not starting from the position of the child. It is starting from what parents want. That’s not the right way.

I don’t think this thread is anti-fathers. I can’t see that. The website however is very anti mothers and that is worrying. My own example above was about my DP having 50/50 because the mother wanted it. It was not best for the children. The decision was not made in their interests but in the parents.

@Emily I fear that websites like the one mentioned just enable that behaviour.

I do believe that we as a society can help enormously by being clearer on how to parent well after separation. Children need:
Security - financial and emotional
Stability
Low conflict
And the evidence says that these above are the most important - and that no one way of dividing time is better. So it’s not about ‘I should have my kids for x time’ it’s about ‘I need to ensure my kids security, stability and peace, how can I as Dad or Mum give that’.

Websites like that saying that paying lower maintenance is okay or that it’s all about time and nothing about how the kids security and stability is provided for need to be challenged.