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Separateddads.co.uk - OMG!!!!

389 replies

NooNooMummy · 29/01/2019 07:34

Incitement to hatred if ever I saw it!!!

Now I know where all the hatred, bile and illogical behaviour comes from! (Take a look at their chat forum...)

Or is it just me that thinks it's full of misogynistic hatred for single mothers?

OP posts:
disneyspendingmoney · 04/02/2019 06:53

Mum56347
Just look around this world and see how privilege works!

Faithless12 · 04/02/2019 07:28

@Mum56347 sorry you are wrong. I have been a teacher and had to console and find kit for children who had 50/50 care. I had one of them pre PE lessons and at least once a month she wouldn’t have her kit and would be in tears in my lesson due to not having her PE Kit. Some lessons she didn’t even have a pencil case because she’d left it at her mums or dads and was at the opposite parents house the night before.
She stuck with me but she was the only child completely screwed by 50/50. Another boy was mainly with dad but would have to go to mums and she wouldn’t have anything for him. Thankfully dad would drive here there and everywhere to make sure he had what he needed. I do think 50/50 is damaging and seemingly so do the courts as it’s not the first port of call.

@micah sorry I misread your post. It sounded like you wanted to up contact purely because you didn’t want someone else raising your DC.

Faithless12 · 04/02/2019 07:29

Wasn’t not was the only child.

nevernotstruggling · 04/02/2019 09:35

It's not just pe kit it's the stability. Who wants to move w dry few days??

Iirc courts only resort to 50:50 when parents can't agree and it's v acrimonious. It's not a default ruling by any stretch

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/02/2019 10:46

@never and yet the evidence is that 50/50 only has a chance of working if there is a high degree of cooperation between parents. I wish courts would look at evidence more!

My step kids were 50/50, not as bad as others but we had them every weekend for a long weekend. It was damaging in my experience, way more negatives than positives. They arrived without any change of clothes most of the time. Constant back and forth with ex. Kids always forgetting things and turning up at any time, usually without keys, phoning us to get in. Often locked out of one house. Homework never checked, hygiene never kept on top of, as all were assumed to be the others responsibility or the kids would say , I’ve done my homework / had a shower at mums.

It was quite chaotic, and parenting was overall less on both sides than when there was a clear resident parent and home.

I was called on quite a few occasions to collect a crying upset child from school as collecting days were mixed up.

I had to deal with a very upsetting incident where one child had been lying and fooling both parents as to where she was,

One child was very mature and kept on top of everything herself. She does okay now.

Two children had minor issues that became major, because they fell through the cracks of 50/50, e.g. one child managed to do no homework for months before the school alerted us. They are both really struggling now as young adults.

All children opted to have one resident home as soon as they were able.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/02/2019 10:55

Don't you think the bias might be because women generally don't divorce good husbands and fathers. The majority of good fathers are still living in the marital home.

I do believe there is a lot of truth in this. I do know a very tiny minority of women who have booted out a lovely husband, or who have cheated, and my own DP and his wife married very young and just weren’t suited. However the vast majority of marriage break ups I know are either male life crisis who left / cheated - or men who did not step up as fathers / husbands and the wives ended it.

Sorry if that’s pessimistic. Most women I know with a good man keep them! They hear the stories of everyone else!

Mum56347 · 04/02/2019 13:37

" I do know a very tiny minority of women who have booted out a lovely husband, or who have cheated, "

Women cheat just as much as men do.

Mum56347 · 04/02/2019 13:41

" It's not just pe kit it's the stability. Who wants to move w dry few days?? "

It doesn't have to be "few days" you can have two weeks at moms and two weeks at dads place. There are many different options.

TammySwansonTwo · 04/02/2019 13:56

Yeah, my dad was very vocal about us being his kids, being entitled to see us etc too.

Didn’t stop him from emotionally, physically and sexually abusing me as a child. When I told my mum I didn’t want to stay with him any more, she said I had to because otherwise he’d stop paying maintenance.

Fortunately I hadn’t had any contact with him for over 20 years now, but just because there’s no police reports of abuse doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

disneyspendingmoney · 04/02/2019 14:22

TammySwansonTwo I'm so sorry that that happened to you, that's absolutely horrible.

That's an extremely important point. The wishes of the children must be the first consideration.

Generally, it's not until a kid is 13 are they actually allowed to make their own choice.

After the contact order was made, my two didn't want to go, I had to tell them explicitly it was in the order so a Judge said they had to.

BobTheDuvet · 04/02/2019 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BobTheDuvet · 04/02/2019 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TammySwansonTwo · 04/02/2019 15:22

Just to be clear, I’m not for a second saying father’s shouldn’t have access to their children in case they are abusive - I hope it didn’t come across that way. Just that abusers can be very vocal about how much they love their children too and IMO there should be a much larger emphasis on what children want from a much younger age - I was 13 the last time I had any contact with him, and 10 when I first started saying I didn’t want to go. I couldn’t say why because my I didn’t want my Mum to get into money trouble so I didn’t tell until much later.

BobTheDuvet · 04/02/2019 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NooNooMummy · 04/02/2019 18:40

I have a 5 year old saying that she doesn't want to see her daddy ever again after a recent 'incident' in front of her to which the police were called by an innocent bystander. According to court papers subsequently filed by him, I am now a terrible 'abuser' who is 'not fit to be her mother' and am preventing him from seeing her. Will the court take her feelings into account? I have no idea. She's had almost 3 years of this nonsense, most of which time he's barely bothered to spend anytime with her despite me practically begging him to find some time...

He's almost definitely getting 'tips' from separateddads.co.uk and seemingly oblivious to the fact that it's not all about him.

Will her voice be heard?

OP posts:
disneyspendingmoney · 04/02/2019 18:51

NooNooMummy

The children's society and action for children, both UK charities provide free children's advocacy services. Mine used action for children, you could look into them. They are both recognised by the courts

NooNooMummy · 04/02/2019 19:21

Thanks, Disney -would they be able to work with a 5 year old?

(I'll certainly beat them in mind for her in the future)..

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/02/2019 19:31

@tammy that’s heart breaking and awful Flowers. So sorry.

I do think it’s fair to question a parents motives for 50/50 or more ‘parenting’ than they were prepared to give before separation.

Interesting I had a ‘heated discussion’ with my DP about this. I felt that we as parents shouldn’t see ourselves as having rights over our kids at all, only responsibilities. Only kids have rights imho. DP felt that dads should have rights to their children. I felt rights infers control and ownership, not providing and parenting.

That’s what worries me about websites like the one OP pointed to. It’s all about promoting their fathers rights, and lessening their responsibilities.

disneyspendingmoney · 04/02/2019 19:36

NooNooMummy possibly, I'd say I'm 70% certain the advocate my dds saw said she worked with kids that young.

nevernotstruggling · 04/02/2019 19:48

@Mum56347 again...I lived 50/50 contact for several years. Actually between the ages of 7 and 11. It was shit. Really really shit.

@TammySwansonTwo similar experiences here - hug x

nevernotstruggling · 04/02/2019 19:50

Iirc barnardos advocacy is 6 and above

Mum56347 · 04/02/2019 22:04

" Interesting I had a ‘heated discussion’ with my DP about this. I felt that we as parents shouldn’t see ourselves as having rights over our kids at all, only responsibilities. Only kids have rights imho. DP felt that dads should have rights to their children. "

Of course parents should have rights too.

nevernotstruggling · 04/02/2019 22:31

@Mum56347 rights to what exactly?

NooNooMummy · 04/02/2019 22:39

Banasinpjamas11 - I couldn't have put it better! separateddads.co.uk seems to all about the fathers' 'rights' and about lessening his responsibilities

OP posts:
IndieTara · 04/02/2019 22:45

If I could get one thing across its this, as a man I have no safety or security, I dont have the option of benefits, theres no housing for me if things get rough. Jobseekers allowance at £30 a week [?] is the most Ill get. On top of this because its not exactly 50/50 despite nearly bankrupting myself to get there for our child, I pay maintenance to my ex. This, despite the fact I buy everything from school uniforms and trips to food for our child. I dont want to ever be homeless but its losing my child that keeps me up at night.

^^
What has any of this to do with being a man?

I'm a woman. I don't have the option of benefits, there was no housing for me when things got rough.
I actually was made bankrupt trying to keep up with the bills and the mortgage payments and nursery costs. All whilst receiving no maintenance from my ex. I have no family support and I'm always one payday away from homelessness.
I pay my own rent, I work full time. I buy the school uniforms , pay for the trips and the food for my child. I look after her when she's ill, I worry about taking time off work when I have to do that. I lose sleep over all these things every single night.

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