Separateddads.co.uk - OMG!!!!

[NooNooMummy]

Incitement to hatred if ever I saw it!!!

Now I know where all the hatred, bile and illogical behaviour comes from! (Take a look at their chat forum...)

Or is it just me that thinks it's full of misogynistic hatred for single mothers?

Yes @really Dads if none resident should pay up, on time, and support the mothers parenting if it is good and decent. And back off on the conflict.

Why wouldn’t you?

Because that’s not really parenting is it? It’s paying someone else to take responsibility for all the parenting decisions.

Turn it round. Can you honestly imagine never having a say in your childs life? Not which school they go to, what activities they do, not knowing if they’ve been vaccinated or had their eyes tested. I loved ballet as a child and would be quite upset if dh said they couldn’t even try it.

Maybe the rp should stop expecting sole charge and start working with the kids dad to reach mutual decisions in the kids best interest. Rather than her word being law and expecting him to support her.

Ah ha! @really there’s the nub of a lot of it. Control.

And maintenance being about money = control. That’s not right.

What’s more important, knowing your kids are being bought up well in one main stable place, supporting that, providing, and knowing that they are happy, or having control by conflict if necessary by constant arguments over time or maintenance issues?

(This is not about medical or important big decisions - I totally agree and support both parents here)

But what if you don't agree with the decisions? They are your children too. I'd be horrified if I disagreed with a decision for my own child and my wishes were ignored. Esp if it's something g important like their education. Both aprents have equal say in how children are raised.

Well if there was a disagreement about something with the children - it would be helpful not to go winding yourselves up in the website mentioned for a start and declare war! Or applaud reducing maintenance.

That’s what this thread is about isn’t it?

Being able to be more mature, more cooperative and less combative?

It's not a good thing for a child to be raised by only one parent. The children are not "happy" if they can't see their dad. If mother is trying to block dad from seeing his child then the mother shouldn't be RP anymore.

@Bananasinpyjamas11

I cannot help reading your posts and observing how very ill informed you are.

Thankfully your opinions are are just that, and the majority of parents do not bindly follow the status quo which was devised when men worked and women stayed home.

Your situation is your own and if you having primary care of your children was the best outcome then brilliant. Alot of father's however, do not resemble that of which you have described and are more than able to raise well rounded children.

I understand that you have to look on the bright side of your situation and I'm sure you are doing an amazing job raising your children. It is however, simply untrue that where there is a willing and capable father, the children would not benefit from shared care (a minimum of 12 nights per month).

Eve81

You blew a hoke in your own statement by qualifying it with

where there is a willing and capable [non resident parent]

If they are not willing and/or capable then us doesn't stand up first it.

There are plenty of good, capable, willing and decent dad's who play their part, they just tend not to be on seperated dads plotting stuff. There are even some who gave full custody.

The issue is when the nrp is disruptive, unreliable, mean and pretty much not willing and not capable.

This month for example I won't be getting maintainence because my X wants to buy a new outfit and go on a jolly. So won't pass on the 7% (£200) of their take home salary for that reason to support the children.

We never get to hear the stories of the ones who go above and beyond what's necessary for the well-being of the children.

In my situation, I firmly disagree with 50:50, so do the children when they were interviewed by an advocate.

Show me the evidence @evie. And we will see how well informed you are!

I did provide good evidence which you obviously didn’t bother to even read. Thank goodness not everyone just relies on anecdotes and personal bias.

Next week I have a children's protection conference to attebd, my X is likely to be there. The DC's SW has said that she will be recommending that they be taken off the at risk register and the cpp closed.

At that point I have absolutely no reason what so ever to communicate with my X. I've also told my X and the SW agrees that the DC's are not to be used as go betweens or message carriers and to use email (the judge recommended that) which my X won't do.

So from the end of next week I'll never have to see or hear from her ever again. I'll stick to exactly what is in the contact order and that only, no more, no less.

Disney - is this a good thing? I hope so!

NooNooMummy I'm unsure, I loose the support and "protection" of social services, which can be a two edged sword. Also I don't get the authorities nagging me about contact and my X looses the "ability" to "report" my parenting. At one point 4 months ago my X was gaslighting me that children's protection were concerned about my mental health and were going to put the kids into care - until I called it out at at a cpp core group meeting and the SW emphatically said that was untrue.

Not having to communicate with them is a blessing. I really hope that nothing else happens that would be harmful to the children's emotional welfare. Fingers crossed for you all!

I share custody 50/50 with my ex husband-he took me to court for full custody. He was abusive to me during our marriage and his decision was purely about control (both emotional and financial). My boys were 3 and 6 at the time and youngest was still partly breastfed. I was the SAHP while he worked every hour of every day (through choice as he was setting up his own business).
He pays me nothing as no maintenance due and has CB for one boy. He lives in a huge five bed with four bathrooms and a weekly cleaner whilst we stilI live in a damp-rented two bed five years on.
Cafcass didn't listen to me and I felt were completely "blinded" by his charm. Dad of The Year? I think not.
I'm absolutely not saying that all dads are the same as my ex. Some dads are awesome and fight for custody arrangements for all of the right reasons. What I am saying is that I strongly believe 50/50 isn't always in the best interests of children and individual circumstances must be taken carefully into account.

@Spanglyprincess1 Definitely a problem with 50/50 as if I say A ex will say B. Example: ex refuses to allow youngest to have flu vaccine (stamping his authority, not in child's best interests) so school nurse won't give it even if I, as a parent with equal PR, consent to him having it.

Ella1980, why should he pay maintenance? You have 50/50 custody.

50/50 custody does not equate to equality of money, surely it's in the best interested if the children that they have an equal amount of money irrespective of which parent they reside with. Therefore the richer parent needs to subsidize the poorer parent. that is only fair for the children.

Basically if 1 parent had £10 per week and the other parent has £50 per week, that means that the aggregate is £60, the mean(average) then becomes £30 (£60 ÷ 2 parents). Thus the parent with more money subsidises the children by £20 to the parent with less money and the difference in income is balanced. Therefore 50/50 access and 50/50 financial support of the children. It's pretty simple to work out and is basically a fair way to manage the financial support of the children.

@Mum56347 as @disneyspendingmoney said. When I left ex (after a decade of abuse) I was a SAHP working three hours a week (as a teacher). I then was extremely lucky to be able to push this up to 16 hours and then full-time when my youngest started school. My earning potential=£35k approx when working ft. Ex is a Chartered Accountant with his own business earning in excess of £100k a year. I had no choice but to rent a tiny two-bed (complete with damp and mould issues) which we are still in five years on while he remains in the five-bed executive family home with four bathrooms and a weekly cleaner (plus unemployed 24 yo gf!)
Do you honestly think it reasonable for him to pay me zero pounds and zero pence? I kind of don't every time I scrub the walls and wash spores off the curtains

@ella1980, he needs all that extra cash so he can do lots of really fab things with his kids, you know buying them toys and sweets. That's a fundamental part of being a separated dad, it's in the playbook that and buying kittens. And 24yo gfs don't pay for themselves as well they need maintainence too.

Sorry for the sarcasm, but I do understand how you feel. People just don't get the inequality if it. It's about creating a sustainable shared quality of life for the kids. The decent thing to do would be to ensure that the children have an equal experience growing up from both iarebrs. Doesn't matter what the adults think of each other, if it's 50/50 time it should be 50/50 money.

@disneyspendingmoney I couldn't agree with you more. Oh, and also for trying to look better tham the less well-off parent by offering to buy the children anything they want! Luckily I've tried hard to raise the boys to be grateful for what we do have as well as appreciate that we are very lucky compared to others.

And yes, she has to have a weekly hair appointment and manicure. Apparently she spends at least an hour everyday putting on her expensive make-up too according to reliable sources but I shall say no more 😊

It absolutely should be about working in the best interests of the children but to my ex it's all about control and "punishment" as I dared to leave him.

Unfortunately the 50/50 maintenance system only serves to encourage vile coercive control, not to protect abused parties and their children from it.

It's the total lack of empathy and understanding of the situation, the impact on the children and how they end up perceiving stuff. I don't really have much time for blokes like your ex plus his new gf will get tired of the control, especially if the hair and makeup causes another bloke to pay her attention, I can guess how that will play out.

But that doesn't take away from the fact you have an unpleasant time i6f it and I feel for you. Im fortunate I don't have to ask my ex for anything, but as the government mandates that the nrp pays something toward the children I've used CMS (and they are shit)

@disney and @ella I’m sorry your situations are tough. Ella your Ex sounds like a textbook example of how 50/50 can be used to the detriment of children. Ie to avoid maintenance and look like a great Dad but not follow through with actually being a Dad. They are his children, which lose out, which is what I don’t get. You were the primary carer in order to facilitate his ability to now earn more. It doesn’t seem just or fair.

Bananasinpyjamas11, my situation is only tough from the respect that I have to deal with someone who is an alcoholic and the mercurial behaviour that comes from that and being a pissed twat who got the kids on a child protection plan I'm fortunate that I don't need the maintainence money but it's a point of principle. X has the money for maintainence so in my mind should pay what is due and mandated by the government. But as my X could never pay bills and hid from debt collectors and passed that mess in to be to deal with I don't hold out any hope. The idiot took no responsibility for her actions that got the kids on the conference plan, shows zero remorse for nearly breaking dd2 arm and being arrested for it and assaulting dd1. The fact us us that in many cases the nrp is burying their heads in the sand about what got them to the point they are no longer with the family

@Ella1980 I had this too. I consented so dd2 has the vax. I'm confused how he overrode you!!

@disney dealing with an alcoholic with volatile emotions sounds quite hard, especially as you are having to also be strong for the children too. That’s very tough.
The fact us us that in many cases the nrp is burying their heads in the sand about what got them to the point they are no longer with the family sadly I couldn’t agree more.