Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I DESPISE motherhood and equally despise my own child :/

201 replies

Timemachine2011 · 19/03/2018 09:03

As I sit here, trying to fight myself to leave the house and take my very loving child to school. I can't help but think how my life would be if they never existed. This thought has been with me since I found out I was pregnant at 6 months ( too late to abort) and has stayed with me ever since.... almost 7 years later. There is not a day that goes by where I wish I had a magic wand to wish 'it' away. I know it's not their fault but I cannot shake this feeling. I have tried my hardest to accept motherhood and also my own child but I can't shake the resentment. I know my child loves me and I feel awful knowing that I do not feel the same, I think I have more patience and love for my cat😯. I envy women that can look at their children with so much love and I feel like a monster for not feeling this way. I look at my child and will end up staring at him whilst I try and find a reason why I love him but I can't, I just find a million reasons why I hate being a mother and why I resent him. I never had a maternal bone in my body. On the outside looking in I appeared to be doing all I could. I breast fed for 2 years, only gave him organic fruits,veg and meat, he never had junk food, I meet all his basic needs, I gave him all the hugs and kisses when people were looking or if he asked but that was it, I only did it because I had to, I find motherhood like a life draining 9-5 with no pay, no promotion, no rewards. My only escape from this prison is death and although I have tried, suicide is not an option. That child would be so messed up, more than he already is and if there is still a chance for me to feel like a mother I am willing to try. I just have so much to address, overcome and deal with I don't know where to start...help?!

OP posts:
AndersArms · 23/03/2018 21:00

I don't have any advice apart from go to the GP but Thanks for you OP. This sounds very lonely.

Momo18 · 23/03/2018 21:18

Firstly I think people need to stop throwing depression label around and demanding the op is depressed, plenty of Dads feel like the op does and nobody bats an eyelid, they merely bugger off and happily get on with their lives, definitely more stigma if a mother does it.
Op you don't sound like feel nothing for your son, you more sound like you can't feel in the moment and your scared your not enough. You have stuck this out for seven years, you could have given him up etc, yet you chose to put on a front because you care about your child. To love is to care deeply, to me it seems like you love your son but in a confused way, probably because of your trauma with his Dad. Please make today the first day of moving forward, ignore all the haters and do whatever it takes to sort your situation. He has the rest of his life with you to feel love and warmth from you.

moonmaker · 23/03/2018 21:36

Stop using all the stupid laughing emojis and describing great emotional neglect of your son in the same breath . It's fucking disrespectful .

Penfold007 · 23/03/2018 21:39

Timemachine2011 your extra information, that you were under no obligation to provide, makes things much clearer. Please keep ypur appointment and be as honest as you can. You and DS deserve a chance to be happy and have a decent relationship.

GreyCloudsToday · 23/03/2018 22:33

I'm so sorry you experienced such terrible abuse Timemachine. What you've added has made the situation make much more sense. I hope you are able to access the specialist support you need.

0ccamsRazor · 27/03/2018 11:24

I know a child who's mother doesn't love him as a person in his own right. Her facade outwardly is that of a good parent, but behind closed doors her mask drops and this little boy is VERY AWARE that she does not love him, she is critical, cold and keeps him isolated. He is having a terrible time of things and desperately wants to live with his father full time (sadly this kind of emotional and mental abuse is hard to prove).

Op don't think for one minute that your child is unaware of how you feel, he knows on some level and it will screw him up.

Take responsibility unlike the mother of the little boy I know, or do nothing and hurt an innocent being beyond repair.

SemiConsciousRobot · 27/03/2018 16:57

@Timemachine2011 Did you speak to your GP?

Original poster
Timemachine2011 · 27/03/2018 18:58

@semiconciousrobot. I just got home from the appointment and my doc was taken aback by all of it. I decided to let everything tumble out my mouth and went into detail on everything. He even stayed an extra hour to talk it out and he was very concerned. Whether he made the right decision or not, he decided not to tell SS as he was aware of how things went down before with them and he thought it would make me worse, I think knowing that he's not grassed me up to them has helped this situation a lot more. He suggested medication but advised that I try out some psychodynamic psychotherapy first as he feels that it would help me greatly but has given me citalopram 40mg :/ just in case but has says it can take some time to work, I haven't started taken it just yet. He thinks I have PTSD, anxiety and severe depression and has referred me to my local mental health team for those and a few other things. Basically I'm a box full of rusty cogs that need sorting out but one step at a time. I've been offered CBT sessions online for my social anxiety ( which is great!!) and on a brighter note gave me a high five for getting over my severe agoraphobia without any medical or psychological assistance!!

As for my son, we've had a really good weekend. I think the best weekend in forever. We went down to the coast for the weekend and I cried in front of him and actually spoke with him about everything whilst sitting by the sea. It's crazy how much they see and know, he didn't let on that he knosw I didn't love him but he did say that he gets scared when I go all robotic and monotone but heck, who wouldn't. I'm crying like a banshee right now but it was so amazing having a moment that wasn't faked and was filled snot bubbles, tears and ice-cream.

BUT THANK YOU FOR KEEPING TABS ON ME!!

It's crazy how everything has happened in this moment, in such a short space in time with so much change. I'm kind of living again and not in the shadows of what my life used to be but in the sunrise of a new day...fuck that sounded so cheesy Grin. But thank you x

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/03/2018 19:06

That's the best thing I've read on here in years OP. You have done so so well by going to your GP and talking, he sounds like a brilliant doctor too.

Heartwarming to read about your time with DS and the beach, he sounds like a lovely little boy.

You've done the hardest bit now, slowly things will start to feel better/different I'm sure. Wishing you both all the luck in the world.

IAmMatty · 27/03/2018 19:14

I've just read your thread from the start OP, and your last update just made me smile so much.

Flowers
SemiConsciousRobot · 27/03/2018 19:15

Well done! I cannot imagine how hard this must have been for you to do but you have done it, and things will be so much brighter for you now you have all of that support to draw on. It absolutely wonderful to hear that you spent some lovely time with your little boy and both enjoyed it. It sounds like the beginning of a fresh start that you both really deserve. SmileThanks

GingerFoxx · 27/03/2018 19:37

So many happy feelings from reading your post OP.

When I read the original post I didn’t think you really had any intention of getting help.

I am so pleased for you, and your son that you did.

Well done, I hope things carry on on the up

smartiecake · 27/03/2018 22:09

Well done OP, such good news. Keep talking on here OP you have lots of support here. One step at a time but hopefully you will get the help you need and deserve.

snewsname · 27/03/2018 22:50

The beginning of a long hard road but at least now you see light at the end of the tunnel. All the very best for you and your ds rediscovering each other.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 27/03/2018 22:55

Lovely update, OP, be kind to yourself as you come back into the light.

TheShapeofYou · 27/03/2018 23:18

Just read this thread from the start, and now have tears in my eyes. I'm so so happy your GP is being brilliant; he sounds like gold dust. Well done for finally starting to sort this out, you've done a great job so far.

Best of luck with all the therapy, meds, help and support. But most of all best of luck with your lovely boy. It's never too late to start bonding Flowers

ShackUp · 28/03/2018 01:56

OP ThanksThanks for you and your boy

lunamoths · 28/03/2018 03:01

Op well done for seeking out help, I understand that must have been incredibly hard. Hopefully this is the first step to a healthier you and better times for you and your son.

SickofThomasTheTank · 28/03/2018 03:58

I've been where you are OP. Also after severe DV. Also a single Mum. Though my daughter is 3.

Once you've faced it, (got the right meds to give you a serotonin boost!), things get gradually better & better! I've never not loved my daughter but I didn't bond with her for a long long time. I didn't feel that rush when she was born (traumatic birth). But once I'd faced it, I started to enjoy motherhood and created a new bond with her and taught myself how to change the way I think.

She's amazing! Hilarious. Cute. Scarily clever. A drama queen and my little pal! I love her to death and I miss her when she's asleep! Certainly couldn't say that to begin with!!

Stay positive and if you ever need a chat, feel free to PM me x

rocketgirl22 · 28/03/2018 04:24

If you are unable to get professional help and feel a loss of face is there anyway you could hire someone very loving to look after your son? A kind nanny that will shower him with love and attention?

It is absolutely vital that you stop calling your child 'it' he is a small human being, even if you can't magic loving emotions towards him you absolutely need to respect him.

Is there anything that softens your feelings towards him? His teddies, his toys, his eyelashes, laughter. Try to focus on him, even if love isn't coming naturally you can still kiss and hold him gently in your arms. He needs this as much as he needs water and food.

I think your post is heart breaking. Truly I do. Call the NSPCC and start there.

rocketgirl22 · 28/03/2018 04:28

Oh wow. Your update didn't load and I have just seen it with a tear or two. Well done Op. Keep hugging that kid, it will come. More ice-cream more seaside. More help. Well done.

MsJuniper · 28/03/2018 05:52

That's a great update. I had psychodynamic therapy and it was a slower process than CBT but in a very positive way, kind of like starting a healthy eating plan for life. CBT is great for anxiety and behaviours too so even better if you can have both. Your child sounds lovely and will benefit so much from your hard work which will mean more and more to you (it sounds like you are already finding this). All the best to you.

LoveProsecco · 28/03/2018 06:01

Glad you have asked fir hell

SemiConsciousRobot · 28/03/2018 06:20

@rocketgirl22 read the thread, the OP has sought help and is accessing it now.

gingergenius · 28/03/2018 06:21

Great update op. Wishing you luck x