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Lone parents

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Original poster

I DESPISE motherhood and equally despise my own child :/

201 replies

Timemachine2011 · 19/03/2018 09:03

As I sit here, trying to fight myself to leave the house and take my very loving child to school. I can't help but think how my life would be if they never existed. This thought has been with me since I found out I was pregnant at 6 months ( too late to abort) and has stayed with me ever since.... almost 7 years later. There is not a day that goes by where I wish I had a magic wand to wish 'it' away. I know it's not their fault but I cannot shake this feeling. I have tried my hardest to accept motherhood and also my own child but I can't shake the resentment. I know my child loves me and I feel awful knowing that I do not feel the same, I think I have more patience and love for my cat😯. I envy women that can look at their children with so much love and I feel like a monster for not feeling this way. I look at my child and will end up staring at him whilst I try and find a reason why I love him but I can't, I just find a million reasons why I hate being a mother and why I resent him. I never had a maternal bone in my body. On the outside looking in I appeared to be doing all I could. I breast fed for 2 years, only gave him organic fruits,veg and meat, he never had junk food, I meet all his basic needs, I gave him all the hugs and kisses when people were looking or if he asked but that was it, I only did it because I had to, I find motherhood like a life draining 9-5 with no pay, no promotion, no rewards. My only escape from this prison is death and although I have tried, suicide is not an option. That child would be so messed up, more than he already is and if there is still a chance for me to feel like a mother I am willing to try. I just have so much to address, overcome and deal with I don't know where to start...help?!

OP posts:
GayAllen · 23/03/2018 14:58

Maybe if you contact SS and set the wheels in motion to have him put into care/adopted your family might realise you’re serious?
Poor little boy can’t stay with you.

What if you told SS you feel you’re at risk of harming him? I’m not usually in favour of lying but your little boy needs rescuing ASAP.

SemiConsciousRobot · 23/03/2018 14:59

OP him being affectionate does not mean that he is happy. It's likely he is overcompensating, hoping desperately that he can find a way to make you love him. Please don't carry on as you have been because nothing will change and he will end up believing he is unlovable and carry that pain with him for the rest of his life. If neither you or your family can give him the love he needs then please speak to social services.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 15:01

OP you mentioned in your earlier posts that you've tried counselling and CBT, did the therapists know exactly how you feel regarding your son?

Roussette · 23/03/2018 15:04

Trying to palm your son off on your family is no answer.

The 'it' thing is revolting, disgusting and trying is not good enough. What response did you expect from a parenting forum?

Personally I think your little boy should be fostered out whilst you work on your mental health.

You must've known how you felt about your pregnancy, who in god's name did you not put him up for adoption to a loving family?

Original poster
Timemachine2011 · 23/03/2018 15:08

Semiconciousrobot...I won't this is it. I am going to make that change. For his sake.

I'm just using this platform to get it out. I will seek help, maybe not from SS because I will lose him especially after half of the stuff I have said, that's if I told them my true feelings. My family can give him the love, don't get me wrong they are supportive to that extent but neither they nor most 'real people in my life are aware of these true feelings. I hid the DV from them including the bruises very well. Even when we didn't leave the house( from 0 - 3) they were oblivious to that.

I have called my GP and will carefully explain my situation. I WILL consider taking medication but everything is early but I will get help.

OP posts:
Roussette · 23/03/2018 15:10

If you're not prepared to tell anyone your true feelings, how are you going to get help?

PrettyLittIeThing · 23/03/2018 15:12

Op ss would take your child if you told him everything you have told us on here as your child is at risk of merino all neglect, I know someone's child who was removed for this reason and she didn't even want the child removed your saying you do..

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 15:16

Do your parents know the extent of how you feel or not OP? You mentioned your father doesn't want you bringing shame to the family because of how you've not adjusted to motherhood.

Moominfan · 23/03/2018 15:17

Maybe it's not mental illness and it's just not for you. Any family who could take over? Be a weekend mum.
Think all mum's feel this way sometimes but it's fleeting not permanent.

SemiConsciousRobot · 23/03/2018 15:18

You're saying you would lose him, but would it not be best for both of you if he was fostered, at least temporarily, to give you time to work through your issues, if you spend every day wishing he was not there? It sounds like you have been through a horrendous time and will need significant support to turn things around for yourself and be ready to care for your son again. I am glad to hear you are prepared to take the medication but the effect will not be instant and that on its own won't be enough. And he will also most likely need emotional support from professionals if he has witnessed violence and anger and grown up in a hostile atmosphere. Social services can provide access to what you both need.

Original poster
Timemachine2011 · 23/03/2018 15:18

His Dad wouldn't let me put him up for adoption. I tried sneaking notes to the midwife asking for help once but she dropped it on the floor and he saw. I never tried again and thought I would be able to deal with it.

Sending my son to stay with family was not to palm him off, I just knew, at that time I wasn't capable of doing what is needed. If I wanted to palm him off I would of just marched to SS once I got rid of his Dad and left him there but I thought I could do this on my own....clearly not

The IT thing is revolting. I've not denied that. I admit how I've come across is disgusting. It's how it's coming out

When I had CBT and counselling we spoke more about my teenage years and childhood as I thought that addressing that first way the key.... again,clearly not. As I said, this is the first time I've spoken openly about this. This is the first time I've even addressed it. I would of rather kept it in before and stuck my head in the sand hoping to find a magic wand just to deal with it.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 15:19

Think all mum's feel this way sometimes

I don't think that's fair to say that tbh.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 15:21

Does your sons father have an active role in his life?

SnowiestMountain · 23/03/2018 15:22

Oh OP, you sound very unwell. I would urge you to seek medical help for everybody's sake.

Roussette · 23/03/2018 15:23

OK... well you've obviously been through a lot but there's no getting away from the fact, your little boy deserves so much more.

For starters, vow to yourself... for the sake of another human being, i.e. your son... never to refer to him as 'it' again. That may have been a dehumanising thing for you to do that helped you, but this isn't all about you, it's about a child who can't make things right however hard he tries. Sorry to sound so harsh but it is/was shocking.

Please tell the Doctor what you've told us on here.

FML2017 · 23/03/2018 15:26

This reply has been deleted

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 15:32

I have been to my GP who suggested medication

Did your GP refer you to SS, is this why they were involved before? How was it left with your GP?

guest2013 · 23/03/2018 15:37

Somewhere out there, there is a little boy finishing school for the Easter holidays with this to deal with. My heart is breaking for him. He should be excited, happy for two weeks off, instead he has a mum who calls him 'it'.

Original poster
Timemachine2011 · 23/03/2018 15:54

Somewhere out there there is a boy being collected from his childminders, with a mother who doesn't call him it to his face. She's a shite mum with more issues that all seasons of Jerry Springer but heck, she's bloody looking to change.

Thank you greatduckcookery. I have only called to book the appointment and will be seeing him on Tuesday so I can't confirm anything just yet.

The SS was involved before because of all the bruising and I never went to appointments or engage with healthcare services. The ss knew I didn't want him I was very vocal when his Dad wasn't around but not vocal enough to intervene but I always believed that I would have that rush of mother love when he arrived and I'd live happily ever after. After I tried to seek help with the note to the midwife i didn't really try and reach out again to anyone .

OP posts:
FairiesVsPixies · 23/03/2018 16:01

I know, its so so sad 😢
You seriously need to go back to the GP, OP, and tell them everything.

User2837 · 23/03/2018 16:02

Sorry but you're just awful. It's one thing wanting help for mental health problems but you can't say "it" just slips out when you purposefully type it. Just trying to cause drama. Pathetic

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 16:03

I have been to my GP who suggested medication but I refused as I don't take drugs of any sort

I meant when you originally saw your GP, did you explain to him/her the extent of how you were feeling towards your dc?

Does your son see his dad OP?

Believeitornot · 23/03/2018 16:03

Your boy has been on this earth for 7 years with a Mum who doesn’t love him.
He’ll know that but won’t be able to articulate it until he’s older if ever.

My mum never showed me affection off her own bat and I came to realise there was no point at all. None.

You need to take responsibility for your mental health and for your son. You cannot just palm him off.

Believeitornot · 23/03/2018 16:04

And your refusal to take drugs is ultimately selfish because it could make your sons life better.

Vangoghsear · 23/03/2018 16:09

Depression can make you feel resentful towards others and I wonder how much that is a factor in your negativity towards your son. You say you won't take drugs but perhaps you need to consider whether you should try antidepressants for the sake of your son. You might find yourself feeling less resentful and begin to have more positive feelings towards him.