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Original poster

I DESPISE motherhood and equally despise my own child :/

201 replies

Timemachine2011 · 19/03/2018 09:03

As I sit here, trying to fight myself to leave the house and take my very loving child to school. I can't help but think how my life would be if they never existed. This thought has been with me since I found out I was pregnant at 6 months ( too late to abort) and has stayed with me ever since.... almost 7 years later. There is not a day that goes by where I wish I had a magic wand to wish 'it' away. I know it's not their fault but I cannot shake this feeling. I have tried my hardest to accept motherhood and also my own child but I can't shake the resentment. I know my child loves me and I feel awful knowing that I do not feel the same, I think I have more patience and love for my cat😯. I envy women that can look at their children with so much love and I feel like a monster for not feeling this way. I look at my child and will end up staring at him whilst I try and find a reason why I love him but I can't, I just find a million reasons why I hate being a mother and why I resent him. I never had a maternal bone in my body. On the outside looking in I appeared to be doing all I could. I breast fed for 2 years, only gave him organic fruits,veg and meat, he never had junk food, I meet all his basic needs, I gave him all the hugs and kisses when people were looking or if he asked but that was it, I only did it because I had to, I find motherhood like a life draining 9-5 with no pay, no promotion, no rewards. My only escape from this prison is death and although I have tried, suicide is not an option. That child would be so messed up, more than he already is and if there is still a chance for me to feel like a mother I am willing to try. I just have so much to address, overcome and deal with I don't know where to start...help?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Timemachine2011 · 23/03/2018 16:10

I didn't explain fully to him no. As I mentioned I didn't disclose the true extent of anything until now. As for his father, no... After everything that has happened with DV and abuse I had to flee where I used to live and I can't let him find us.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 16:16

Ok I understand. I only asked about his father because you said your dc couldn't be adopted without his consent. I'm not sure if this would still be the case now?

For both your sakes I hope you get the support and help you desperately need OP.

Original poster
Timemachine2011 · 23/03/2018 16:27

Thank you Greatduckcookery.

OP posts:
Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 23/03/2018 16:27

I think the fact that you're still here, on this forum, taking the verbal bashing, and still posting, is a really good sign. Im glad MN are leaving this here. If it helps, carry on posting. The very fact that you are, is a small step to getting the help you desperately need

Roussette · 23/03/2018 16:34

Agree Whywont I've been harsh, I know I have, it's just that all of this is so alien to me.

Time make today the start of making big changes, you owe it to yourself and most importantly you owe it to your son.

DistanceCall · 23/03/2018 16:45

Your child senses that you cannot stand him/her. I guarantee that.

First of all, stop referring to your child as "it". Your child is a human being.

Secondly, I don't think you are depressed. You don't love your child, among other things because he/she reminds you of the father and your relationship with him. It's not your child's fault. Find a therapist you can talk to about this and who can help you.

Thirdly, is there really NOTHING you like about your child?

phoenix1973 · 23/03/2018 16:47

Your post is heartbreaking. I suffered terrible ptsd and pnd up until 5.
I referred to my child as it for 6 weeks. It makes me die inside.
Stop calling your 7 year old IT.
They never asked to be born they've done nothing wrong.
See your GP. I did.
If you're not able to progress please consider putting your child up for adoption or guardianship.

Original poster
Timemachine2011 · 23/03/2018 17:19

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername, harsh words are what I need. You don't get better sugar coating poop🤣.

DistanceCall: On most days when I'm feeling low, no...everything would irk me. I wouldn't get out of that mindset that my life would be better, everything has gone to hell, I refuse to socialise with parents and in turn looked at him thinking 'I'm only doing this because I have to'.

On a good day he'll make me laugh or we'd go out on our bikes and get covered in muck and just giggle about it, we can have fun but then the thoughts would come back and I'd withdraw completely. I would think that people know I'm not being genuine or i would simply be lost in my thoughts that something which should warm you like his smile would iritate me and ill lock myself in the bathroom and hide from everything and... whoosh, gone back to negative thinking and back to square 1. However lately I've just grown tired of this back and forth, good day bad day and started reading things online and voila here I am.

OP posts:
Roussette · 23/03/2018 17:23

Well, at least you want help (I think) but my god poor little chap won't know whether he's coming or going. One minute Mummy is laughing and having fun, next minute it's coldness and her locking herself in the bathroom. There is nothing worse than not knowing where you stand with a person and with a child/parent a million times worse.

MiniTheMinx · 23/03/2018 17:27

Drugs will not address the core issue or cause. Only psychotherapy will do this. Drugs are what they are, I mean, heck if you just want to be happy you could take coke. Too many casualties of a broken society, and broken system all on drugs. Take your pick, no amount of drugs fix a desperately sad life.

Please by all means see the GP and please get help from SS. And I'm not surprised that ordinary counselling and CBT haven't worked. You need to dig far deeper.

I'm sorry you have experienced such terrible abuse yourself. And I'm not surprised by this, it's sadly all too common for children to suffer neglect and maternal deprivation alongside witnessing DV. You have been through hell, but you can turn this around and give your son a better future from now on. The fact that you are asking for help shows that you at least feel something for him.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 17:29

OP that's good to read that you can have fun on your bikes you know.

Do you think because of the trauma your ex brought to your life that somehow you're blaming your son? The more you explain the more complex your thoughts sound.

MiniTheMinx · 23/03/2018 17:35

Also, please don't rush towards foster care, or adoption. Dont. Although I work in a children's home with looked after children, even I feel that the outcomes for looked after children are often worse, and seldom better than if they had stayed with their family. Foster placements often break down. I work with children who have had 15/16 placements break down before they come to us. Although you should seek help from SS I am the first to say that help in any practical sense, and support of any quality is in short supply. It's often minimum intervention in terms of support couples with maximum intervention in terms of goals and assessment.

supersop60 · 23/03/2018 17:39

Will people please read the full thread!
The Op has posted a number of replies that make her situation much clearer.
OP - I hope you get help soon. tell the GP everything
Lots of love to your little boy.

DistanceCall · 23/03/2018 17:44

I agree with Mini. You need psychotherapy. You don't hate your son, and it does sounds like you do love him, in your own way - you're clearly doing your best to take care of him and be there for me, you are not an abuser - but he will completely notice your swings of mood and blame himself.

You have a son and you're taking care of him. Now you need to make both your lives as good as possible for BOTH of you. You don't have to live like this.

DistanceCall · 23/03/2018 17:45

"Be there for him", obviously!

InBlackwaterWoods · 23/03/2018 17:55

Well, this is a harrowing read. I have a little boy about the same age as yours OP. I finished reading this thread then went and gave him a bug hug and told him how much I love him.
Heartbreaking to think of your wee boy forever insecure, wondering what he can do to make mummy love him.
Please, please please get help. I see you've got a GP appt. please tell them what you've said here. Everything including your abusive ex.

I'm no doctor, but it sounds like you have depression/ PTSD. If taking pills helps you feel something for your son, then do it. He didn't ask to be here with you, he needs you. Do this for your son, he deserves your best efforts.

Christ, go and hug him. Now. tell him he's a good boy and you're proud of him. Look in his eyes and see him.

Sad
Sparklesdontshine · 23/03/2018 18:45

i Really sympathise with how you feel, no one chooses to have such feelings. Flowers

gingergenius · 23/03/2018 18:58

It's interesting to hear how you're 'unfurling' on here. It feels like this post was almost a form of self punishment. You haven't been flamed. You have been given some stark truth but nothing awful imo. I wonder if you came here expecting a roasting and found a tiny bit of compassion that has allowed you to see things and explore your situation with the possibility of a different mindset?

You show the first nuggets of realisation that you can feel differently. I hope it continues for both your sakes. Thanks

isadoradancing123 · 23/03/2018 18:59

Please try and overcome your fear of taking medication, both for your own sake and your child's. Whether you call your son it or not isn't the point, the point is to get help

DollyLlama · 23/03/2018 19:40

Fwiw, I've been under Amanda jones' care for different reasons and she was a huge help for me.

I hope both you and your son get the help you both so desperately need Thanks

snewsname · 23/03/2018 19:41

He reminds you of those awful years with his father. You were housebound for 3 years. I had to get out of the house every day in the early years or I would have gone stir crazy. No wonder you had difficulty bonding. All of that traumatic time period is tangled together and mixed together. You need specialist help. You won't be able to do this on your own.

A pp earlier suggested a psychiatrist specialising in attachment disorder. Can you investigate this in conjunction with medication? Would you be able to afford it privately?

In the meantime please try and fake it as much as possible. You do care or you wouldn't be bothering to reach out here for help. It's just your love is buried so deep under the burden of your past experiences, it's impossible to access it at the moment - But it is there.

KennDodd · 23/03/2018 20:15

Only read the OPs post so far and some of the replies.

From what you've said OP actually I think you've don't brilliantly by your child.
You say yourself that the only abuse (from you) happened one time when he was about 3 or 4.
You got him (and you) away from an abusive relationship.
You have shown him love and affection, even if you haven't felt it.
You BF him for two years, this would have meant a huge amount of close physical contact and comfort for him never mine the nutrition.
You meet all his basic needs.
Are co-operating with his school for the best outcomes for him.
You say he is happy.
You tell him you love him (even if you don't believe it)

If you have done all this for seven years and every day has been filled with feelings of resentment and pain you deserve a medal for such strength and determination. You know that this is not your child's fault and that they shouldn't suffer and clearly have done your best to live by that.

You say he spends time with other family members? I guess he receives lots of love and affection there? If everything you say is true I don't think you need to worry too much about your child, it's you you should care more about. You might never grow to love motherhood, and that's ok, I think. Keep caring well for your child and try to seek happiness in other areas. Your child will grow up before you know it and you might love the adult he becomes. I think your doing better than many parents who do love their children. In fact whatever you say, or think you feel, I struggle to believe that you have so much resentment towards your child because caring for him the way you have for so long would have been a burden to heavy to carry.

KennDodd · 23/03/2018 20:19

From what you've said OP actually I think you've done brilliantly by your child.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 20:25

Lovely post KenDodd. I hope the OP reads it and takes it in.

PerspicaciaTick · 23/03/2018 20:37

I'm not sure what you want from this thread. Do you want to improve your relationship with your DS or do you want confirmation that the situation is hopeless?

If you actively try to dehumanize your DS, to distance yourself from him emotionally, then it can only make it harder to build a relationship. So make an effort to talk about him in positive terms, to focus on the good things he brings to your life. At 7yo he is old enough to be interesting in his own right, to be able to share your interests and to be able to be part of a team with you.Time and again I have seen threads like this where the parent is advised to fake it, fake pleasure and interest in your child's company, fake pride in their efforts and achievements, make time to share hobbies and housework. Surprisingly often, the faking seems to lead to a genuinely blossoming of feelings and an improved relationship.
I think it would be worth trying (in additional to counselling and RL support) - but I'm not sure that you want to try.