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Original poster

I DESPISE motherhood and equally despise my own child :/

201 replies

Timemachine2011 · 19/03/2018 09:03

As I sit here, trying to fight myself to leave the house and take my very loving child to school. I can't help but think how my life would be if they never existed. This thought has been with me since I found out I was pregnant at 6 months ( too late to abort) and has stayed with me ever since.... almost 7 years later. There is not a day that goes by where I wish I had a magic wand to wish 'it' away. I know it's not their fault but I cannot shake this feeling. I have tried my hardest to accept motherhood and also my own child but I can't shake the resentment. I know my child loves me and I feel awful knowing that I do not feel the same, I think I have more patience and love for my cat😯. I envy women that can look at their children with so much love and I feel like a monster for not feeling this way. I look at my child and will end up staring at him whilst I try and find a reason why I love him but I can't, I just find a million reasons why I hate being a mother and why I resent him. I never had a maternal bone in my body. On the outside looking in I appeared to be doing all I could. I breast fed for 2 years, only gave him organic fruits,veg and meat, he never had junk food, I meet all his basic needs, I gave him all the hugs and kisses when people were looking or if he asked but that was it, I only did it because I had to, I find motherhood like a life draining 9-5 with no pay, no promotion, no rewards. My only escape from this prison is death and although I have tried, suicide is not an option. That child would be so messed up, more than he already is and if there is still a chance for me to feel like a mother I am willing to try. I just have so much to address, overcome and deal with I don't know where to start...help?!

OP posts:
Tiddlywinks63 · 23/03/2018 11:17

'it'?
Poor, poor little boy. You are systematically wrecking a child's life yet refusing to seek help.
In my eyes that is appalling abuse and evil because you acknowledge everything you're doing.
Very, very sad and I hope someone removes him from you very soon.

Popadoodledoo · 23/03/2018 11:18

This reply has been deleted

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 11:19

MNHQ I'm confused here.
My post was deleted but others have said the same?
And are you honestly saying that what the OP has written about her child is ok?
Please tell me I'm wrong in thinking that.

HappyLollipop · 23/03/2018 11:29

Your a mother whether you like it or not so you need to start acting like one that means putting your son (not it - who calls their child 'it' that's wrong and needs to stop) first. Take the anti-depressants they are not drugs but vital medication you obviously need, surely your son is more important then this dumb principle. You need help and fast for the wellbeing of that poor boy Sad

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/03/2018 11:29

Is 'It' really so unusual from emotionally detached parents?

My mum used to call me 'it'. She even did it in front of social workers and the school. Nobody batted an eyelid, as far as I'm aware.

I don't think that's enough to call troll, necessarily.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 11:36

Anchor there's much worse than the OP calling her child it, she's told him she hates him and wished he was dead.
Ok she may fake loving him in front of teachers but do you think he doesn't know that it's not real?

Original poster
Timemachine2011 · 23/03/2018 11:46

I really do understand the need for medication and seriously I thank every single one of you for helping. I really do. It's just a fear of seeing a past friend go through something similar ( not to this extent) but she got hooked on the medication and her life spiralled out of control and resulted in her committing suicide. I will seriously consider medication and I will look into alternative medication. I do need help and I know this. I am just so overwhelmed with everything that I don't want to be in her shoes. I have noted all the websites and I will look into Amanda Jones. Any help is better than no help... It's just having to face my fears which is proving the most challenging. But again, thank youStar

OP posts:
idontwanttogetoutofbed · 23/03/2018 11:48

Your child will be the one committing suicide if you don't try medication or something...

But your fear is that you will? Hmm

joystir59 · 23/03/2018 11:50

Your child is part of you, so you are pushing yourself away. Which is very very sad. I hope you can find some support and comfort and work through your feelings which are severe self loathing. I feel so chilled reading of your plight OP. Please go to your GP and say you have suicidal feelings. You will be referred quickly for talk therapy.

joystir59 · 23/03/2018 11:51

Darling your life is out of control if you resent your own flesh and blood

ChaosAndPiss · 23/03/2018 11:54

She doesn't refer to her child as it originally.

I think she didn't get everyone riled up enough with her op so she started the it thing to ramp things up a bit.

The fact that she barely refers to her son as it in the op and is much more personal with her mentioning of him makes me think she's making up the whole it thing. The rest may be true but she doesn't refer to him as it day to day.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 11:54

What do you mean by having to face your fears OP?

Whatever they are nothing can be as terrible as the effect your behaviour is having on another human being. I'm not sure medication is a magic solution here but it has to be worth trying.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2018 11:58

I don't take drugs of any sort.

Would you refuse any medication for all physical ailments?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/03/2018 11:58

Yes you're right there Chaos regarding the OP referring to her son as he and him in the first few posts then it thereafter. Almost done to get a reaction which indeed she got.

StormcloakNord · 23/03/2018 11:59

So, aside from everyone telling you to get help, which you seem reluctant to do - have you considered putting him up for adoption?

I know people are telling you to get help, but the way you describe yourself is how most of us feel periodically (most people just don't admit it) but to feel like that round the clock isn't normal.

If you really feel like motherhood isn't for you and you raise your little boy in a house full of resentment - is it not just better giving him away and getting social services to find him a more suitable home where he'll be loved and appreciated?

MyDcAreMarvel · 23/03/2018 12:04

You have to call SS today you are not meeting your sons basic needs at all.

FairiesVsPixies · 23/03/2018 12:17

You breastfed him for 2 years and yet refer to him as 'it'? - yeah ok Hmm

MiniTheMinx · 23/03/2018 12:17

I don't think medication is the answer. It's caused by the lack of medication.

I work as a therapeutic worker with LAC who have been through severe childhood deprivation. They have attachment disorders, some psychosis, and a whole lot of other diagnosis because their parents failed to provide basic or good enough care. These children have been severely affected my lack of maternal nurture. (Or father).

My advice would be this, psychotherapy (perhaps analysis) not just person centred but full on psychodynamic therapy. Not weekly, it's not enough. And you would need support with your son throughout the process, because you will 'wobble' you also need a therapist to observe you and your child over a period of time. Family therapy, and a therapeutic support worker to work with you several times a week at home, to observe and train you in how to respond to his communication. Children will often respond to lack of love and nurture in ways that challenge the parent, it's a viscous cycle then where the parent feels the child is unlovable.

Please ring SS and try to get support.

MiniTheMinx · 23/03/2018 12:18

It's not caused by being unmedicated!

OddS0ck · 23/03/2018 12:35

I agree with MiniTheMinx.

I don't think medication would have made any difference at all to my mother. She wasn't depressed, there were other issues. Years after she died someone who knew her as a child volunteered that my mother's parents were exceptionally hard on her, even for the times.

Her father had fought in the trenches as a teenage boy which had to have had a profound affect on him.

Intensive therapy may help OP parent but, sadly, lots of damage will have already been done. Adoption is not an answer, it's just more disruption and emotional harm to this small boy.

My sister and I were deeply damaged by our upbringing. I am aware, mostly, of why I think and feel what I do, but I still think and feel it.

I am a good mother though, which is some kind of miracle, considering. I have a good relationship with all my children. Fuck knows how that came out of my beginnings.

Fattymcfaterson · 23/03/2018 13:22

I know a woman a bit like you OP.
I wonder if you are actually her.
She thinks she hides her contempt for her child, but she doesn't.
It's really fucking sad to see, especially as her little boy is so sweet and loving.
Stop fucking up your kid, get over yourself and speak to your gp.

RatherBeRiding · 23/03/2018 13:31

You obviously never wanted motherhood, or your child - just out of interest why did you keep him? And not give him up for adoption?

Too late now of course. And unfortunately for your child it is probably already too late for him for the damage to have been done. One can only hope that despite this he turns out OK in the end - lots of people do despite inadequate parenting.

I would urge you, as so many other posters have done, to get to your GP and consider the possibility of depression. Anti-depressants are not the devil. You don't have to be on them forever. But if you really are ill you, and your child, deserve to have that illness treated.

SemiConsciousRobot · 23/03/2018 14:25

OP you sound very much like my mother. My heart is breaking for your little boy, you are dehumanising him. The damage done to him by this lack of love will be irreperable if you do not make big changes to his life. Please, please do get proper help and medication and find somewhere else for him to live where he will be loved, until you are able to give him the love he deserves.

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 23/03/2018 14:34

Hi everyone. We have received a great deal of reports about this extremely distressing thread, and we have removed the obvious trollhunting. (GreatDuck, just so you know that's why your first post went).
That said, as ever, we can never know 100% whether posters are for real or not and would advise everyone to be careful with their own feelings and experiences and not give more than can be spared.
At MN, as all of you know, we try to err on the side of caution when deleting these sorts of upsetting threads for the obvious reason that if what the OP is saying is true, then your advice (we hope) could be the difference between a mother and child in pain and them being saved. So we find the stakes quite high. We are going to leave this thread for now and hope that the OP receives support here and in real life. Flowers

Original poster
Timemachine2011 · 23/03/2018 14:52

I wish I was a troll, I really do. I wish I didn't have to wake up to this poop storm that is my life. @Ratherberiding, you're right. I never wanted motherhood. I found out I was pregnant at 6 months which was a shock seeing as I had the coil and used protection. I later found out that he would purposefully break the condoms. Needless to say, my pregnancy was torture. I would be beaten just for not cooking dinner, or a guy would look at me. He'd lock the front door so I couldn't escape during the night. Once he found out I was pregnant the beatings stopped thankfully but the abuse continued. If I didn't give him sex he would bend my arms until I couldn't fight back, I had about 3 months respite once HE, my son was born (I'm trying,okay)

Referring to him as it makes it easy to speak, dehumanizing him (on here) makes it easier to talk about I have kept this locked inside for long and with no-one to talk to apart from people behind their phones and computers. He is a happy child, he's forever hugging me, saying he loves me and it hurts knowing that even though I say it back I don't FEEL it.

I am doing a better these past monthsI am working with his school to get counselling especially for his earlier years when we never left the house and he witnessed the abuse. I would never refer to him as it in his face albeit that one circumstance when I shouted at him saying I hate him and wish he died. I'm trying to change and you're advise no matter how negative or positive is going to help me one way or another. I have no choice but to find help.

As I said before I am unable to have him live anywhere else, I've been asking my family for 6 years, at least my immediate family and I've been told to deal with it.

If I didn't want change I would of lived with these demons and never uttered a word to anyone but I am here looking for advise ( which I have been thankfully given).

OP posts: