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Original poster

I DESPISE motherhood and equally despise my own child :/

201 replies

Timemachine2011 · 19/03/2018 09:03

As I sit here, trying to fight myself to leave the house and take my very loving child to school. I can't help but think how my life would be if they never existed. This thought has been with me since I found out I was pregnant at 6 months ( too late to abort) and has stayed with me ever since.... almost 7 years later. There is not a day that goes by where I wish I had a magic wand to wish 'it' away. I know it's not their fault but I cannot shake this feeling. I have tried my hardest to accept motherhood and also my own child but I can't shake the resentment. I know my child loves me and I feel awful knowing that I do not feel the same, I think I have more patience and love for my cat😯. I envy women that can look at their children with so much love and I feel like a monster for not feeling this way. I look at my child and will end up staring at him whilst I try and find a reason why I love him but I can't, I just find a million reasons why I hate being a mother and why I resent him. I never had a maternal bone in my body. On the outside looking in I appeared to be doing all I could. I breast fed for 2 years, only gave him organic fruits,veg and meat, he never had junk food, I meet all his basic needs, I gave him all the hugs and kisses when people were looking or if he asked but that was it, I only did it because I had to, I find motherhood like a life draining 9-5 with no pay, no promotion, no rewards. My only escape from this prison is death and although I have tried, suicide is not an option. That child would be so messed up, more than he already is and if there is still a chance for me to feel like a mother I am willing to try. I just have so much to address, overcome and deal with I don't know where to start...help?!

OP posts:
sashh · 28/03/2018 06:34

So glad you went tot he GP.

I read your first post and thought 'depression'.

Citalopram can take up to 4 weeks to start working but it does a good job.

LittleRedTerfette · 28/03/2018 06:38

Your doctor let you stay for an hour?? Really??

QueenoftheSilverDollar12 · 28/03/2018 06:55

And the GP has a duty of care to your child too. I can't believe (s)he didn't refer the case to SS in fact. Jeezo. Your poor wee boy.

SoupDragon · 28/03/2018 07:02

rocketgirl22 read the thread

Oh, the irony!

OP I’m glad you sought help and I hope it all works out for you.

Everywhereilookaround · 28/03/2018 08:03

Hi OP, I'm so glad you go help and things feel more bearable for you, and you have started to reconnect with your child, a huge well done!! Take it a day at a time and be kind to yourself xx

Just another thought, maybe now it's time to seek some help for your child too, ask the GP to refer him for some play therapy and find out what talking/creative services there are for him too. The earlier he gets help the better he will be able to cope emotionally with your journey xx

Snog · 28/03/2018 08:10

Well done OP.
It is clear to me that you DO love your son. You have cared for him and protected him and want the best for him.
But you also need professional psychological help because your past has been so traumatic. With help and support your life will become easier and your bond with ds will strengthen.
Hang in there because things can become so much better for you both with good quality help. Stick with that GP, it will be a long path but you are headed in the right direction.
Without this help your trauma is being passed on to your son.
Sending you both a big hug.

moonmaker · 28/03/2018 08:45

Whether he made the right decision or not, he decided not to tell SS as he was aware of how things went down before with them and he thought it would make me worse

Wow. Your gp isn't supposed to tell you whether he is going to make a referral or not. Very worrying that you have a gp who tells his patients that he doesn't refer because of previous cases.

Devilishpyjamas · 28/03/2018 09:05

OP - do you have a counsellor organised now? How much dialogue do you have with the school? Do you know them well enough to have an honest conversation? The beach moment sounds very emotional and has clearly been positive for you as part of bonding but may have been frightening for your son? I worry about you doing too much ‘work’ on yourself without someone to offload to (it must not be your son).

dodosarecool · 28/03/2018 09:18

I'm pretty concerned about this GP you saw. An hour extra and not referring to SS?! Wtf

If a GP feels the need to stay personally for an hour you'd bloody hope they would inform children's services

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 28/03/2018 09:32

Wow. Your gp isn't supposed to tell you whether he is going to make a referral or not. Very worrying that you have a gp who tells his patients that he doesn't refer because of previous cases.

Nonsense. A GP (as any professional) is absolutely supposed to inform a person if they are making a referral, unless to do so would put somebody in immediate harm’s way. SS involvement is supposed to be based on consent. Also OP is referring to how her own previous experience of SS went, not another patient’s.

QueenoftheSilverDollar12 · 28/03/2018 09:52

@GingerAndTheBiscuits SS involvement isn't always consent driven, if a professional thinks a child is in danger of neglect (this, if true, sounds very much like emotional neglect) it is their professional duty to inform SS, whether they have consent from the parent/carer or not.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 28/03/2018 09:58

This isn’t a section 47 situation though, it would be a fairly standard referral in which case there would be an expectation that the referrer has informed the family they will be making the referral. It’s not true at all for the previous poster to say a GP shouldn’t tell someone.

In this case, for those who are surprised at the lack of referral, given OP has shown willingness to engage in all the support offered to her, what do you think SS would be able to achieve?

HadronCollider · 28/03/2018 10:17

Monitoring? Severely depressed people with the comorbid psychological factors the OP have mentioned often have setbacks. I do not think it wise, seeing as the OP has mentioned she has little support, and received counselling in the past, which seemed to not be effective, that she not receive extra support and yes, monitoring as we are talking what seems to be emotional abuse of a minor here.

SleightOfMind · 28/03/2018 10:22

Wow!
Well done Time.
Your honesty and bravery have me quite stunned. You and your DS are so lucky to have each other. Keep going. You’re going to win your life back, differently to the past but better than ever.
Flowers

RoxyRing · 28/03/2018 10:25

I hope your ds gets therapy too. He's gonna need it Sad

Penfold007 · 28/03/2018 10:29

Well done Time for engaging with your GP and talking honestly with your DS. I hope you find the psychodynamic therapy useful and please don't be frightened to take the citalopram. Thank you for the update

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 28/03/2018 10:32

Her GP can undertake that role (and make the referral at a later point if he feels it necessary). She has a partner who is apparently amazing with the little boy, a good relationship with the school via which she is seeking emotional support for him due to previous traumatic experiences, all basic care needs are being met and she is taking the active steps needed to better meet his emotional needs. If any of that falters, GP would be right to refer it in

HadronCollider · 28/03/2018 11:00

I disagree that the GP can undertake that role. The GP can only go by what he or she is told. And further appointments cannot be compelled. How many times do you hear about people not taking their medication? And it seems to have been forgotton that the OP was referring to he child as 'IT' on these posts just a couple days earlier and all this with the supportive partner.

Tricksy12345 · 28/03/2018 11:11

You need to speak out before you do any more harm to yourself and that poor little boy. There's people out there who are desperate for children and could give him the love and support a child needs to thrive. Give him up for adoption, and get some help for yourself asap

Tricksy12345 · 28/03/2018 11:14

Comments have only just loaded up, so only read afterwards about you speaking out.

Momo18 · 28/03/2018 11:29

Adoption? The poor boy would be hurt more in care and abandoned then with his mother. She's doing this as she loves him, leave her alone and let her receive the help she needs.

Not sure why certain pp think SS need to be involved, if there's no neglect or abuse and she's actively seeking help then social services would be unlikely to bat an eyelid, at best she would be pointed to the same help she's receiving and perhaps respite support.

thisisouryrfx18 · 28/03/2018 12:13

Wow all i can say is take the meds asap they arent drugs they help with hormonal inbalances theres no shame in that. I hope what youve told us in ur last post is true tell him none of this is his fault, and go back to gp if things dont improve but uve took a massive step in the right direction.

QuitMoaning · 30/04/2018 22:11

@Timemachine2011 It has been a month and I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Are you moving forward? I do think of you every now and then.

Original poster
Timemachine2011 · 18/04/2019 23:26

Sorry about not replying, so much has happened. I still have my moment of regret with motherhood and I still do wish for a time machine but mentally we are both in a better place. I realised that my resentment towards my child was out of fear and self-doubt in my own capabilities and rather than face them I placed blame on the closest thing to me.... my kid. I've still refused all medication but it seems like its not something that is needed anymore.
I do feel guilty that I do not enjoy motherhood in comparison to some mothers, that's one of the things that brings me down, i feel my affection or interest isn't genuine but it all takes time.

OP posts:
Remieatscake · 24/04/2019 13:02

@Timemachine2011 - Thank you for your blunt honesty, your difficult past your current struggles, talking about a taboo subject and seeing the (rightly - slow) road to recovery is, just wow - got me quite emotional

I work with struggling families each day - parents who have suffered domestic abuse like you and are battling on through some truly awful circumstances.

You, really have no idea how many people this thread will help and give hope too

I know it is a very hard subject but MNHQ - Thank you SO much for not deleting this thread - it has taught me a lot and OP, I wish for you and your son that your bond will grow closer and stronger