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Original poster

I DESPISE motherhood and equally despise my own child :/

201 replies

Timemachine2011 · 19/03/2018 09:03

As I sit here, trying to fight myself to leave the house and take my very loving child to school. I can't help but think how my life would be if they never existed. This thought has been with me since I found out I was pregnant at 6 months ( too late to abort) and has stayed with me ever since.... almost 7 years later. There is not a day that goes by where I wish I had a magic wand to wish 'it' away. I know it's not their fault but I cannot shake this feeling. I have tried my hardest to accept motherhood and also my own child but I can't shake the resentment. I know my child loves me and I feel awful knowing that I do not feel the same, I think I have more patience and love for my cat😯. I envy women that can look at their children with so much love and I feel like a monster for not feeling this way. I look at my child and will end up staring at him whilst I try and find a reason why I love him but I can't, I just find a million reasons why I hate being a mother and why I resent him. I never had a maternal bone in my body. On the outside looking in I appeared to be doing all I could. I breast fed for 2 years, only gave him organic fruits,veg and meat, he never had junk food, I meet all his basic needs, I gave him all the hugs and kisses when people were looking or if he asked but that was it, I only did it because I had to, I find motherhood like a life draining 9-5 with no pay, no promotion, no rewards. My only escape from this prison is death and although I have tried, suicide is not an option. That child would be so messed up, more than he already is and if there is still a chance for me to feel like a mother I am willing to try. I just have so much to address, overcome and deal with I don't know where to start...help?!

OP posts:
ineedwine99 · 23/03/2018 08:37

OP please show your GP this thread to really show them what your feeling, as much as you may not like it, anti depressants might be the way forward, you need to get out of this for both your sakes, it's no way to live.
Also, talking to you BF about how you feel may help, maybe he can help you with it

idontwanttogetoutofbed · 23/03/2018 08:41

There are many mothers who struggle and battle

Maybe you are one of them and unwell, but you are being deeply selfish refusing to take medication which may change things and allow a child who loves you to remain with his mother he loves

Your poor child did not decide to be born!!!

mummmyj · 23/03/2018 08:42

Oh honey you need to get yourself to a G.P ASAP!!! You do care for him if you read back what you have written " this kid would be so messed up" you are thinking about him but you need to look after yourself as well, I was never the overly maternal type and I think the first 10 years of my DS life went past on a blur. Do you have family or a friend that could go with you or to talk to and there are lots of helplines for mums who feel like you do it's nothing to be ashamed of.. please get help am sending love and hugs your way 🤗🤗

InDubiousBattle · 23/03/2018 08:43

You need to take the drugs. For the sake of your child who is suffering and for your own sake. I simply can not imagine why you would refuse help in this situation. You've tried counselling , therapy etc so now you have to try drugs. And stop referring to your child as 'it'.

QuiteLikely5 · 23/03/2018 08:47

Op

You are so stubborn. You need to accept your situation and the fact that you have a child who relies upon you to guide her m through life.

You do not have many years left raising him and in reality if you were as kind towards him as you have stated then you would not be calling him it.

It? Wise the hell up. Stop acting like a child.

You must not have felt the love from your own parents if you can’t show it to your own child. Break the pattern.

Your son should not be a figure of hate, you should be proud of him, help to create a successful adult.

Things happen for a reason, he’s here now. He has happened to you.

IrenetheQuaint · 23/03/2018 08:47

This must be really hard. I'd suggest trying to be more honest with your boyfriend - if you can be a bit more open then the weight of shame may start to lift and you might find yourself more able to care about your child.

AdidasGirl · 23/03/2018 08:48

As much as I feel sorry for your state of mind.
Referring to your child as 'It' is awful.
Please seek help.

mamahanji · 23/03/2018 08:50

Without meaning to sound harsh, if you refuse to take the drugs, would you look into letting your son go to a family that can give him a happy home? Because neither of you are getting anything positive out of this. And if you won't take medication when you are clearly in a very dark place, you're not willing to try and change and be a good mother.

I get that your family have him occasionally and love him, but you aren't willing to change like you say you are if you aren't willing to get fundamental help to help you.

Maybe it would be best for both of you.

I'm sorry you feel this way though. It does a sound truly awful way to feel.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 23/03/2018 08:50

gingergenius put it so much better than I ever could. Its quite painful to read a child being referred to as "it". I think you've been very brave coming on here and being so honest. I agree with a pp....I would show this thread to your doctor. I sincerely hope you get the help you obviously need

SuperBeagle · 23/03/2018 08:51

There is no excuse for calling your child "it". You don't call other people "it", so it's more than just detachment. It is malice.

You're going to do your child irreparable damage and I hope for their sake that you seek help, or find alternative care for them.

SuperBeagle · 23/03/2018 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IsabelleSE19 · 23/03/2018 08:57

Please go back to your GP and get medication.

My heart is breaking for your poor innocent child. Calling him 'it' is dehumanising. Have some respect.

AthenasOwl · 23/03/2018 08:57

What an upsetting thread. I feel desperately sorry for your son.
There was a thread recently where a stepmum admitted she didn't much like her stepchild and she was torn to shreds so I'm really don't understand why you're getting such an easy ride here. You refuse to help yourself and refer to your son as 'it' ..honestly just vile.

ShortandAnnoying · 23/03/2018 09:00

OP you can't help your feelings but this must be very damaging for your child. It sounds like you don't want to hurt him and try your best to take care of him. Plus you are unhappy all the time. So I think you need to be brave and do something positive to improve the situation. If medication will actually help then I think you should at least give it a try. If that won't help you must get someone else to care for him. But at least give the medication and maybe more and better counselling a go.

snewsname · 23/03/2018 09:05

I also got the feeling you do care but are so overwhelmed by all your other feelings, that you can't feel it properly. If you didn't care you wouldn't be afraid of him being messed up, you'd have ditched breastfeeding and all the organic stuff and you'd do very basic, basic needs. Calling him it, is a sign of how very detached you are.

Please just do one more thing for your boy. Just one. Get yourself to the gp and try different meds until you find one that helps.
What's more important - your belief in no medication or a drug to secure a child's future?

I think you've been incredibly brave coming on here and admitting this. I really hope that you can begin to build a relationship with him in the future.

GreyCloudsToday · 23/03/2018 09:10

I'm so sorry Timemachine it must be awful to feel this way. It sounds like you have had an extreme failure to bond with your child. This is obviously going to have a profound impact on your child, even if "faking". You sound very unhappy too.

You really need help - I'd hope that would come from a psychiatrist. I'd go back to your GP and explain exactly what you've said here and ask for a referral to a specialist on attachment disorders. I don't think run of the mill counselling or CBT is going to touch the sides of this, given the length of time it's been and the depth of feelings you're experiencing.

I do think you should consider trying antidepressants in the meantime while you wait for psychological help. Only action on your part can really make change here, so if you want respite from the distress that's coming through in your post you will have to do some things that may make you feel uncomfortable. You are already profoundly upset, so perhaps it's time to reconsider the medication issue, as you might do if you had pain from a physical injury.

Flowers
Aw12345 · 23/03/2018 09:10

Please go to your gp :-) AND take the meds/support they offer.

Everyone is right, we all need support and help at some point in our lives and it sounds like you need that support at this exact time.

Also phone the council and see if they offer any children's services you could tap into for support.

Wishing you all the best

CeeCeeMacFay · 23/03/2018 09:12

I am sorry but I think previous posters are being too nice. You are fucking your child up, you are not meeting his emotional needs - he will know you don’t love him however much you fake it and you are creating security and self esteem issues that may last him a lifetime. If you cannot change the way you feel he is better off being adopted.

Penfold007 · 23/03/2018 09:13

You sound just like my mother, DSis and I were 'It'. Your child will be well aware that you 'despise' them. Like PPs above I would suggest a GP appointment for you to rule out depression and if you feel you can engage further counselling. Are you prepared to give your child up to their father, his family, fostering or adoption? You won't take prescribed medication but you will allow your child to suffer.

joan12 · 23/03/2018 09:14

Look up Amanda Jones. She is a perinatal psychotherapist but it sounds like you are stuck with the effects of strong feelings from that era. If you Google her programme Help Me Love My Baby, you may a) see why I suggest this and b) know that you can be helped. Don't go to a counsellor, this is beyond that and another failed attempt may leave you feeling beyond help. Please find a proper UKCP registered perinatal psychotherapist. You can turn this around, with this help. Flowers

takemetomars · 23/03/2018 09:15

I have reported this thread

gingergenius · 23/03/2018 09:16

I can understand why @takemetomars

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/03/2018 09:17

Why would you not seek help when it can only make you happier?

MadameJosephine · 23/03/2018 09:18

This is so sad. It’s clear that you have a mental health problem but for some reason you are reluctant to accept and engage with treatment. Unfortunately this means your son is being subjected to emotional abuse which will affect him for the rest of his life.

You KNOW you need help. You KNOW that your son deserves better than this and so do you

It is possible to improve your situation but you must seek support and engage with it. You probably need to acknowledge that medication may be part of ongoing treatment and certainly some sort of talking therapy. Please go back to your GP and tell them exactly what you’ve told us. If you need support and advice in the meantime I have found these organisations helpful

www.mind.org.uk

www.samaritans.org

NewMe18 · 23/03/2018 09:20

You’re calling your child ‘it’ purely to provoke a reaction on here. It’s not habit so stop pretending it is. Clearly you don’t call your child “it” in front of teachers or other parents.

Also reporting this thread