I DESPISE motherhood and equally despise my own child :/

[Timemachine2011]

As I sit here, trying to fight myself to leave the house and take my very loving child to school. I can't help but think how my life would be if they never existed. This thought has been with me since I found out I was pregnant at 6 months ( too late to abort) and has stayed with me ever since.... almost 7 years later. There is not a day that goes by where I wish I had a magic wand to wish 'it' away. I know it's not their fault but I cannot shake this feeling. I have tried my hardest to accept motherhood and also my own child but I can't shake the resentment. I know my child loves me and I feel awful knowing that I do not feel the same, I think I have more patience and love for my cat😯. I envy women that can look at their children with so much love and I feel like a monster for not feeling this way. I look at my child and will end up staring at him whilst I try and find a reason why I love him but I can't, I just find a million reasons why I hate being a mother and why I resent him. I never had a maternal bone in my body. On the outside looking in I appeared to be doing all I could. I breast fed for 2 years, only gave him organic fruits,veg and meat, he never had junk food, I meet all his basic needs, I gave him all the hugs and kisses when people were looking or if he asked but that was it, I only did it because I had to, I find motherhood like a life draining 9-5 with no pay, no promotion, no rewards. My only escape from this prison is death and although I have tried, suicide is not an option. That child would be so messed up, more than he already is and if there is still a chance for me to feel like a mother I am willing to try. I just have so much to address, overcome and deal with I don't know where to start...help?!

The stupidity of reporting a thread that dares to speak out on a difficult taboo admission offends me.

Keep talking OP.

It can only help.

You don't deserve a relationship with him in the future. We do not have a right to have children, some of us feel lucky to have them, we do not have a right to expect anything in return for the love we give them, and certainly don't have a right to expect this when we can't show them nurture when they need it. Read about attachment theory. The damage is most likely done.

Calling your child it is equal to abuse. Language is powerful. You are stripping him of his basic humanity and that way lies every atrocity and abuse. Referring to people as it, to them or by calling them by some characteristic such as 'blacks, the jews' etc, invites you and others to have no respect for their rights to life, to respect, and to equality. Do you refer to other people as it? Or do you reserve that for your poor son? To reserve it for him, a part of you, is also probably a form of self loathing.

You need help, but more importantly your son needs help. And you, whether you like it or not are both villain and hero. Your child will probably love you forever how ever you reject him, and he will blame himself and live with more guilt than you can possibly be feeling right now. Because if you had any guilt you'd also have a moral obligation and an emotional need to protect him.

Firstly, stop reneging complete responsibility for your feelings by insisting on calling him it. Mental illness or not, if you're lucid enough to post coherently on this thread then you're just being cruel by deliberately dehumanising him.

From what you say of your father, could you be transferring your feelings of resentment and dislike to your child? Did the childs father treat you badly? I think what you're doing is actually very common. I had an ex friend who was almost exactly like you, but without the hugs. She had had a very difficult relationship with her own mother and her ex husband and transferred all that resentment to her daughter. There was not one thing her daughter could do right. There was constant criticism every day over the tiniest things. She was the worst child anyone could ever have. She couldn't bring herself to tell her she loved her. She had never told her or hugged her, or praised her. The ex wanted to continue to see his daughter, but she worked on making it impossible, despite her daughter desperately wanting to see him. I believe she did this deliberately to prevent her daughter having what she herself never had.

Long and short eventually I told her how wrong it was and how damaging it was to her dd. She confessed she didn't love her, in a very matter of fact way. The words she used was "I try to love her, but then she keeps doing things that stop me loving her, like this morning, leaving her room untidy. She just deliberately makes my life difficult so I no I don't love her. No one could," And yet she also didn't love her enough to let her live with her father who would. I never spoke to her again, although I felt I should for her dds sake.

I have observed similar quite a few times, either as extreme favouritism, or just emotional neglect. I knew one lady who adopted a child with her husband but didnt love her at all.

I feel that once you know how you feel, carrying on is wrong and you should either take responsibility for your feelings or let the child go. But take responsibility. Don't leave it till the child is emotionally damaged.

You poor thing. That must be a terrible place to be.

This is so sad :( poor little boy. Have you told your family exactly how you feel? Could your parents possibly look after him? It’s not fair on him, he deserves to be loved. Him being resented every day is so sad for him and he will feel it and you referring to him as “it” is just awful. You should go to your GP as maybe some counselling and medication will help but meanwhile please contact Social Services.

However you are feeling please stop referring to your child as 'it'. The fact that you slipped back into 'he' in your previous post suggests that you are being deliberately goady.

Reporting this one also.

I hope to god this isn't real. If it is OP do your son a favour and tell SS what you've written here so they can remove him because of your emotional abuse.

Yes! Whats with these 'I feel for you OP' comments? What about that poor little boy!?
I have no sympathy to someone who abuses their children, none what so ever. To refuse help and let that little child who you refer to as it and feel no love for have to live with you is disgusting.

Honestly reading your posts OP has made me want to cry. Your poor child. You need help for your child's sake and your own. You say you are good at faking it but I honestly don't believe that is possible 24/7 and for 7 years I don't think so. That must mean either deep down their is some love for your little one, some maternal instinct or you really are cold and detached and your child is picking up on it.

Please go back to the GP try antidepressants, go for counselling. It's ok saying you don't take drugs but please do this for your child and at least try and see if they help.

You've said you are willing to try. Are you? Because anitdepressants do work - I am proof of that.
You need to talk to your GP and see what they can advise you. AD'S are not a magic wand and of course there will be other stuff you can do to support yourself - (Joan) gave some good advice further up and contacting MInd as a starter.
It does read like you are heaping on your child the resentment you feel towards your family and your childs father. Motherhood is an unpaid role, there is zero career progression, the feedback generally only picks up on where you went wrong and lots of women have periods where they feel trapped and exhausted. But there are many many rewards. You won't be able to see them through a fog of blame, anger and depression.

Thats as nice as I can be - because honestly I feel masssive frustration that you recognise the problem but have refused medication on what seems to be flimsy grounds.

You use it to refer to your son but now and the you slip up and say him

If this is honestly true then just give the poor kid up for adoption and enjoy your life.

In fact, in your original post you only referred to him as it once. All the rest you mention the child and him.

Just a thought op

Have you ever had strong emotional feelings or empathy for anyone or any situation that requires a natural emotional response?

I have been where you are.....but my son was tiny. I dragged myself to a better place, literally dragged. I didn't let it go on and on.

It's a shitty, dark and horrible feeling.

You need to seek urgent help ASAP and do your damnedest to work through this. Otherwise, it would be fairer for your child to have a different home.

I don’t think it’s your fault but I do think if you really feel like that, then the child would be better off elsewhere.
Do you have any family members who would be happy to take him? Presumably he has people who genuinely love him - could they take him in?

It

It?!?

I have a child of a similar age and my heart breaks for your child.

You would not refer to another human being as “it”, so have some respect for your child as another human being at the very least.

Speak to your GP as you’ve spoken here.

This is horrible.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. What a horrible life.

But you cannot continue like this for your son. That poor boy. You need to talk to SS regardless of what you decide.I don’t believe trying more ADs and counselling is going to be enough as both would take time even if they do work.

Put your son first and call SS

Why are you referring to your child as it? Do you hug and kiss your child when no one is around? You need help and your poor kid needs to be with someone that will show him the love that he deserves

Yeah, the "it" thing is a bridge too far for me.