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Original poster

Father not willing to commit to a birth plan,but wants all options available to him

242 replies

Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 02:59

Hi mum's.

I will try to keep a long story short.

I'm pregnant, due in march 2018.

It was an unplanned pregnancy and I am not with the father anymore. He wanted an abortion, I refused. Over the last few months he has said in no uncertain terms that he hates me for going ahead with this and will not be supportive towards this pregnancy. He has stayed true to that and I've not seen him and barely heard a peep. We've had a handful of conversations throughout pregnancy.. some amicable, others not so much..

So that's the background story.

The father has now said that he wants the option of being at the birth, however he will not tell me if he will or not... He says he wants to see how he feels but wants the option available to him. He was quite adamant that it was his right as the father to have this option available to him.

I have asked him to meet up but he will not even see me and I have recently found out he is back with his ex girlfriend ( which I'm ok with, she can have him! )

My question is .. does any reasonable person think they should be entitled to be at the birth when they have not been supportive for the entire pregnancy.

He won't commit either way to being there or not being there so it's a frustrating situation to be in as I do not know what to do when things start rolling with the labour. Do I text him when waters break and leave the ball in his court?

If I drop him a text after baby arrives then he will also lay into me for taking the option away from him to be at the birth. So all in all I can't win and it will be a drama and all about him on the day.

What would you all advice?

Thanks mum's xx

OP posts:
trevthecat · 31/01/2018 11:09

I wouldn't let him in. He's being an arse. You will be in a vulnerable position and you need proper support. He is not proper support. He might not even turn up. If tell him no. You didn't want anything to do with the pregnancy so you can't pick and choose now. It's you going through this. Not him. Do what's best for you

NGC86 · 31/01/2018 11:43

My sons dad was very unsupportive throughout my very tough pregnancy. I was so desperate to have a family, I gave him every privilege, and where is he now...the place he always told me he would be...NOT AROUND. In hindsight I wished he would have not been there as though he was good, it was all for show. I feel moments like that should be a privilege, that he never deserved.
Just be sensible. My sons dad being present at the birth gave him control over me and our son for a long time. Because he was there I gave my son his surname. The night of registering my son, he went AWOL for 6 weeks. It was all to get control over our lives, and since then drifted in and out, and has been completely out now for well over 2 years.
Share your birthing experience with those who love and do support you. When your child enters into the world you will be clear on your decisions how to proceed, and wont feel you have a duty to give your child his name. Which, I beg you, please dont if he is inconsistent and a let down already. My sons name has now been changed through deedpoll but for a long time he carried the name of a man who abandomed him.

I wish you all the very best xx

ijustwannadance · 31/01/2018 11:56

If you allow him at the birth it will taint your joy of having your beautiful baby.

He will also use it as a stick to beat you with. Every decision you make regarding pain relief, method of feeding etc will be thrown back at you at some point.

He doesn't want to be there. He's just being a massive dick. Because he can.

VimFuego101 · 31/01/2018 12:12

I'm glad you've decided not to have him at the birth. If you think he will play games, I would also think hard about putting him on the birth cert - it gives him the opportunity to wield control over you in terms of having to obtain his permission for things like school choices and taking your child abroad. He can get himself added later if he decides he does want to be involved.

HelenDenver · 31/01/2018 12:24

Glad you've decided he won't be there!

NGC86 · 31/01/2018 12:35

I completely agree with VimFuego101

I made the mistake. Though we have managed pretty well, the idea he gets a say despite his absence really angers me. Luckily he has never challenged my decisions as he is long gone, but that never stopped the questions of 'where's dad'

MommaVixen · 31/01/2018 12:47

If he hasnt had anything to do with the pregnancy or your wellfare and isnt sure about wanting to be there for the birth, why wait on him.
Its your birth plan. You decide whether you want to leave it open 'incase' he might 'pop' in, but you need to do whats best for you and thats to have the people there willing to give support.
Im due in 3 weeks and ive got my partner and sister there to help.
Nothing worse than the thought of having someone there who wont offer much support or none at all.
Its not going to be easy and you will want it to go as smooth as possible.
Good luck Smile

Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 13:27

Thank you so much everyone. I am so overwhelmed by the amount of support I've had by you all. I have read all of your messages and it has given me clarity and confidence. Thank you.

So this is the plan I will be sticking to..

  • I will message him after the birth. This will be after I have had some time to bond with DD.
  • I will not put him on the birth cert. He can sort that out if he is wanting to be committed and involved.
  • She will have my last name.
  • I will choose her god parents, and make sure we are surrounded by supportive people who love us.
  • I will be regularly checking in on mumsnet because you have all honestly been a massive support and help and im going to need you all. Flowers

Thank you mums.

Hope your all having a good day.

Xxx

OP posts:
IggyAce · 31/01/2018 13:57

Brilliant plan, you stick to it but do pop back if you waiver. I'm sure mumsnet will help you stay strong.

Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 14:09

@IggyAce I will do that 100% . This forum is a God send ! X

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 31/01/2018 14:10

Good for you ! It’s you that’s in charge of you and your child’s future, good luck

timeisnotaline · 31/01/2018 14:11

believe My mum did this and to my shame cannot even tell me his name now
It’s unfortunate you can’t contact your father when you would like to but 1. Not being on the birth certificate is far from the only reason for t

  1. There is no shame on children for what their parents do. You may feel that way but don’t suggest it to the op as shame is not a factor.
SheilaFentiman · 31/01/2018 14:15

BelieveItOrNot, OP cannot put his name on the birth certificate unless he is present at the registration, and, given his attitude, why would she want that? He'd almost certainly object to name, surname, timing of registrar appointment, colour of the sky...

His name not being there doesn't mean the OP will forget what it is!

Rumpledfaceskin · 31/01/2018 14:18

As others have said just don’t tell him until after the birth. A family member I didn’t want turned up at the hospital and wouldn’t leave for hours until my midwife had a row with them in the corridor. It kind of ruined my labour. The man sounds like a complete dickhead, who just wants the ‘glory’ bit of holding baby after birth, and wants to impose himself to make you uncomfortable. If he’s had no interest up until now it’s highly unlikely he’ll be interested once the baby is born.

timeisnotaline · 31/01/2018 14:28

Definitely don’t tell him or have him there, the closest he has come so far to considering the baby’s well being is to think it should be aborted. This is all about him, and making you feel uncomfortable which seems to make him happy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/01/2018 14:44

Great plan. Enjoy your baby!!!

Rikalaily · 31/01/2018 14:53

Maje sure he doesn't find out when you go to register the baby. He has to be there with you to be added to it as you are unmarried and you don't want him rocking up and taking you by suprise!

LML83 · 31/01/2018 16:21

Great plan, well done OP!

CaveMum · 31/01/2018 19:46

Good plan OP. Maybe have a think about having a Doula for your labour, someone to support you and advocate should you not be able to vocalise your needs/wishes.

A good doula will take time to get to know you and form a bond with you before you give birth, so it can be like having a friend in the room.

doula.org.uk/find-a-doula/

kooshbin · 31/01/2018 20:25

I'm so glad you've decided to not allow him at the birth.

The more I thought about it, the more creepy it sounded.

Sevendown · 31/01/2018 21:22

Great news!

jbee1979 · 31/01/2018 21:40

I'm glad you're decided :-) don't text him while you're pushing out the placenta, maybe not even in the first week if you can get away with it! The hormones and leaky boobs make you feel a bit emotional, in my experience, make sure you're feeling a bit stronger before you see him. He sounds very controlling, and I would worry that he'd take advantage of your fragility. Give it a week or so and your mummy-lion instincts will be raging!

Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 22:44

jbee1979
I'm glad you're decided :-) don't text him while you're pushing out the placenta, maybe not even in the first week if you can get away with it! The hormones and leaky boobs make you feel a bit emotional, in my experience, make sure you're feeling a bit stronger before you see him. He sounds very controlling, and I would worry that he'd take advantage of your fragility. Give it a week or so and your mummy-lion instincts will be raging! -

Haha . I wouldn't dare! Or would I haha.

His deep seated hate for me really has me questioning where it is all coming from. Nothing justifies his behaviour towards me. The more I think about it, I feel he has a serious problem with this situation and it might be a cultural thing. I am not what he wanted, and only good enough to be sleeping with. Completely used me. He hates me and says he does not know how he will feel towards " the child" as he always refers to her. Ergh. I feel sick!

OP posts:
Weezol · 31/01/2018 23:21

I would be tempted to text him a high resolution picture of an expelled placenta a few weeks later though...around the time he usually eats.Grin

SheilaFentiman · 01/02/2018 09:38

He hates you because you are not doing what he wants. That's his problem, not yours.