Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Father not willing to commit to a birth plan,but wants all options available to him

242 replies

Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 02:59

Hi mum's.

I will try to keep a long story short.

I'm pregnant, due in march 2018.

It was an unplanned pregnancy and I am not with the father anymore. He wanted an abortion, I refused. Over the last few months he has said in no uncertain terms that he hates me for going ahead with this and will not be supportive towards this pregnancy. He has stayed true to that and I've not seen him and barely heard a peep. We've had a handful of conversations throughout pregnancy.. some amicable, others not so much..

So that's the background story.

The father has now said that he wants the option of being at the birth, however he will not tell me if he will or not... He says he wants to see how he feels but wants the option available to him. He was quite adamant that it was his right as the father to have this option available to him.

I have asked him to meet up but he will not even see me and I have recently found out he is back with his ex girlfriend ( which I'm ok with, she can have him! )

My question is .. does any reasonable person think they should be entitled to be at the birth when they have not been supportive for the entire pregnancy.

He won't commit either way to being there or not being there so it's a frustrating situation to be in as I do not know what to do when things start rolling with the labour. Do I text him when waters break and leave the ball in his court?

If I drop him a text after baby arrives then he will also lay into me for taking the option away from him to be at the birth. So all in all I can't win and it will be a drama and all about him on the day.

What would you all advice?

Thanks mum's xx

OP posts:
HerSymphonyAndSong · 31/01/2018 06:56

Believeitornot I imagine when you were born the birth certificate did not convey parental responsibility on the father?

My understanding is that if not married and not accompanied by the father, the mother cannot put the father’s name on the birth certificate. It can be added later though. I may have misremembered the details. However, this is not about “shame” in this instance, but about giving parental responsibility to a man who has not demonstrated any inclination to behave like a parent, and it is hard to remove that once given. If he is already trying to behave in a controlling and selfish manner, then it would be better for him to actively demonstrate that he wants and can be trusted to have parental responsibility

rwalker · 31/01/2018 06:59

tell him he's is welcome at the hospital but you don't feel comfortable with him in the room when are giving birth ( screaming fanny out and possibly shitting sorry to be so blunt) but he can come in as soon as you are decent .Could be the biggest and most life changing event of having a child he had no control over (yes he could of used a condom pregnancy could of been due to contraceptive failure )and now he is accepting your decision to go ahead .

MultiGrey · 31/01/2018 07:00

Another chiming in with a no way.

Take back control from him by not being so amenable. Tell him he won’t be there.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 31/01/2018 07:01

“now he is accepting your decision to go ahead”

Big of him

I don’t think he should be encouraged to be at the hospital if he is going to cause problems for staff by demanding access. I think this would only worry the OP when she is at her most vulnerable

Estellanpip · 31/01/2018 07:04

He's a deluded as well as an abusive cunt if he thinks he has any 'right'.
The sole role of a birth partner is to support the mother, what does he have to offer other than stress and uncertainty?
Sounds like he thinks it's like a ticket to a show he may or may not be bothered about going to. He can fuck right off!
Wishing you all the luck Flowers and congrats!

falang · 31/01/2018 07:11

Say no or just ignore him. You don't need him at the birth. I had one of mine with just the midwife there. No problem whatsoever. He sounds horrible and I feel sorry for your child having him as a father.

Sevendown · 31/01/2018 07:16

Believeitornot

Why are you blaming your dm?

Mothers can’t put someone’s name on the BC. The father has to turn up to the register office and sign his own name. If he doesn’t show up that’s his responsibility.

It was your father who walked away and left you with no relationship with him, blame him for his own actions not your mum for someone else’s.

OP-
Keep him as far away from you and your precious dd until he has shown he is a responsible and respectful person. If he can’t be civil to you and communicate like an adult he has no place being anywhere near your child.

If you give him the opportunity to co register he will get PRR which can’t ever be taken back.

That means that legally if he has contact he can keep your daughter from you and refuse to hand her back. You would have to pay for a lawyer and go to court to claim residency before he would be legally required to hand her over.

LizardMonitor · 31/01/2018 07:19

Oh, goodness! Labour and birth is the time you need to fe total trust and partnership with someone you can rely on. Tension and doubt could actually slow down labour and make it harder.
You need people who know what they are doing, midwives, and if you like , a close friend, sister or your Mum, etc.

‘As the father he has the right ‘! What does he think you are, a brood mare or something out of the Handmaid’s Tale?

With his attitude, from the beginning and now, the advice to keep him off the birth certificate is well placed. You do not want a life time of him controlling your decisions about schools, travelling abroad for holidays etc.

And do not even think of giving the baby his surname, will you?

BertieBotts · 31/01/2018 07:22

Parents do not actually have rights in the way he's using the word. Parents have responsibilities and children have rights. The fact he's already flouncing around about his 'rights' WRT his daughter is awful - it is very telling that he sees her as a possession that he wants to make sure he gets his fair claim of. Not as a person who will need constant and careful care for years, who he's concerned for, and wants to make sure she gets that. You have got your priorities right thinking of protecting her first. He does not! Don't trust him. And yes absolutely give her your surname!

OldBlueStitches · 31/01/2018 07:26

OP no way in hell should he be there. Can't say it strongly enough. There is absolutely zero chance of the birth being an ok experience if he's there. Read what the midwife above said about affecting your hormones.

So also go alone if you want. Unless you can find a doula? Or afford one (and trainee doulas often work for reduced fee). They're there to take care of you, be by your side, often called "mothering the mother". They're not medical but know lots about calming things and massage during pregnancy. It would mean you have someone to be by your side who wouldn't change shift or get called away. They're not for everyone, but might be a good option.

And thirdly I also immediately thought his name shouldn't be on the birth certificate. Do not allow this narc any rights. Look at how he's treated you so far!! He's not going to get a personality transplant! You are not your mother and you can tell your daughter about him and she can know him. He just won't have control over your life. If he takes her to stay with a new girlfriend and you don't like that, you can stop her going again. You can't if he's got parental rights. Keep as much control in your own hands as possible.

PerfectlyDone · 31/01/2018 07:28

Parents have responsibilities and children have rights

This.With bells on.

He has no rights - at all.

Wrt to your labour and delivery: unless you felt actively supported by him, tell him to take a running jump!

It's not for him to 'accept' you decision.
Oh, this man makes me v angry first thing in the morning - and I don't even know him [angr]

GaraMedouar · 31/01/2018 07:29

It's absolutely fine to just have midwife/wives at the birth with you.

I had a home birth and had 2 midwives for the actual birth. My partner at the time was there too - but to be honest I think I'd probably have preferred it if he wasn't there - although he did make cups of tea and bring biscuits!

Do what you feel comfortable with.

OldBlueStitches · 31/01/2018 07:29

Sorry - doulas are there for pregnancy AND labour/birth, not just pregnancy!

Also if he's not registered as the parent then I'm not sure he has to pay child support. This may leave you with less money, however, it will also leave you with less stress and more financial stability. YOU will be in control of your finances. You won't have fluctuations because he's dicking you around. If he wants to pay then he could set up a uni fund for her. Keep him out of your daily life as much as possible.

NorthernLurker · 31/01/2018 08:02

Well personally I'm not sure I would be telling him she'd been born at all. He's behaved terribly, he can reap what he's sowed.
Your daughter deserves a good father. Good fathers first and foremost respect the mother of their child. He's failed that test spectacularly.

MegRam · 31/01/2018 08:14

Another vote for 'fuck no!' here...

Having given birth myself 4 weeks ago, I can verify that the only thing that matters in that moment is you and your baby. What happens after that with regards to him and his relationship with your little one is a conversation for another day.

Birth is an amazing experience, and you can (and will) move mountains, but you really are at your most vulnerable for a time and this cock rag has caused you nothing but pain and heartache so far - not the combination you need when you're bringing a life into the world.

You absolutely must put yourself first - and if that means going it alone with just the midwives there, then that if what you must do.

You literally don't need to consider anything else here.

You sound so caring and thoughtful. Sending you so many good vibes - you got this, mama! x

RoseAndRose · 31/01/2018 08:16

"Also if he's not registered as the parent then I'm not sure he has to pay child support"

Being named on BC is unconnected to requirement to pay CM (assuming OP is anywhere in UK)

If he repudiates paternity, then DNA testing may be needed. But CMS can and will pursue NRPs for maintenance irrespective of BC (how well CMS does that is a whole different can of worms)

HumpHumpWhale · 31/01/2018 08:26

I agree with everyone else.
On just having the midwives there, that's what I was planning if DH didn't make it on time (we were living overseas and I'd come back to have the baby, and we weren't sure he'd be back in time as we were trying to maximise the time he'd be there after the birth). In the end, he made it but I think I'd have been fine with just the midwives. However, the one thing is consider is whether if they're busy and have to leave you alone for periods, will that be really stressful for you? I was quite panicky with my first. And it was a 12 hour induction. Just having someone to chat to was good. If you're not that close to your sister, maybe think about a doula? If you can afford it.

HumpHumpWhale · 31/01/2018 08:28

To be clear, it was with my second I was planning to go it alone. I did have the option of having MIL there, but... no. With my first I'd have found it a bit stressful to be alone.

Applesandpears23 · 31/01/2018 08:32

If you text him afterwards just tell him it was too fast to text and without help you nearly didn't make it to the hospital.

Doctordid · 31/01/2018 08:34

'He was quite adamant that it was his right as the father to have this option available to him.'

Agree with everyone written in the posts above. PR stands for parental responsibilities not rights. The child has the rights.
This does not extend to childbirth.

becotide · 31/01/2018 08:36

Do what YOU want to do, he willget plenty of his own way in the years to come.

RE the not being able to 'win' - you can't win against people like this. You will never NEVER win. The best you can do is avoid contact/.

ImListening · 31/01/2018 08:50

Agree with everyone here.

Do not allow him into birthing room.

Do not put his name on birth certificate or allow him to be there when you register the birth.

Do not even consider being co-parents

If he behaves like this now his attempts at control will only get worse.

Start fighting back as you are the only one who can protect your dd

Good luck!

AlbusPercival · 31/01/2018 08:55

@mumblebee can I suggest a doula? A professional whose job is to support mums through birth

MayFayner · 31/01/2018 09:06

OP, I allowed DD's father to be there at her birth. I thought it would be better for DD in the future, help him bond etc.

I was in labour for 31 hours and in the hospital I was at the rule was one birthing partner only, and I had named him as this had been previously agreed. I was on my own for the early stages then Ex turned up at some stage, stayed for about one minute then left and eventually my midwife told me he was asleep in a side room somewhere. They woke him up at the pushing stage and he saw her being born.

I was on my own for the whole long, back to back painful labour (I did have an epidural eventually, thank god ) I deeply regret having him there.

Six weeks later he told me he didn't want to be a father and he cut contact for two years.

The thing is I was warned. When we went to the 20 week scan he told me he "felt nothing for me or that thing". That "thing". My beautiful DD. I should have told him to fuck off there and then.

DD is 16 now and amazing in every possible way, no thanks to him.

katmarie · 31/01/2018 11:02

Lordy. I gave birth less than a week ago and I can tell you now, being present at the birth is not a right, it is a responsibility. My DP will also tell you that it's an enormous privilege. He cared for me for three days of increasingly agonising latent labour, and 12 hours of active labour, to the point of his own exhaustion, without a single complaint. He only left my side when he was forced to. He advocated for me at every point and gave me strength to do so for myself when necessary too. He told me again and again that I could do it and how awesome I was, especially when I was ready to give up. He helped me in a million ways, I genuinely wonder how I would have done it without him.

Do you trust your man to support you like that? If not, keep him well away, until you're ready.