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Original poster

Father not willing to commit to a birth plan,but wants all options available to him

242 replies

Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 02:59

Hi mum's.

I will try to keep a long story short.

I'm pregnant, due in march 2018.

It was an unplanned pregnancy and I am not with the father anymore. He wanted an abortion, I refused. Over the last few months he has said in no uncertain terms that he hates me for going ahead with this and will not be supportive towards this pregnancy. He has stayed true to that and I've not seen him and barely heard a peep. We've had a handful of conversations throughout pregnancy.. some amicable, others not so much..

So that's the background story.

The father has now said that he wants the option of being at the birth, however he will not tell me if he will or not... He says he wants to see how he feels but wants the option available to him. He was quite adamant that it was his right as the father to have this option available to him.

I have asked him to meet up but he will not even see me and I have recently found out he is back with his ex girlfriend ( which I'm ok with, she can have him! )

My question is .. does any reasonable person think they should be entitled to be at the birth when they have not been supportive for the entire pregnancy.

He won't commit either way to being there or not being there so it's a frustrating situation to be in as I do not know what to do when things start rolling with the labour. Do I text him when waters break and leave the ball in his court?

If I drop him a text after baby arrives then he will also lay into me for taking the option away from him to be at the birth. So all in all I can't win and it will be a drama and all about him on the day.

What would you all advice?

Thanks mum's xx

OP posts:
Weezol · 31/01/2018 04:36

No. Just no. Would you be comfortable with him at your smear test? I'm in complete agreement with BoomBooms post.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/01/2018 04:52

It's not his rights that he would be interested in if he was a decent man but his responsibilities and what is in the baby's best interests.

You sound like you'll be a great mum. Focus on those things when it comes to your ex. Good luck

Addy2 · 31/01/2018 04:55

Tell him no, he doesn't have the option of being there as its actually safer for baby if you're not stressed out by the presence of someone who hates you. Then stick to that. He sounds like a total insert expletive here. Tbh, I question whether it would even be a good thing for him to be in baby's life, given that he hates you because it will be born. I suppose it depends if he comes around once baby is here but I personally wouldn't leave the kid alone with your ex if the current state of affairs continues post birth.

Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 04:56

@pastabest you are right! And common sense should tell him this too, but unfortunately not. Dealing with a narcissist- how bloody exhausting !

OP posts:
NavyGold · 31/01/2018 05:00

I had this exact argument with my daughters father when I was due to give birth.

I text him afterwards to let me know she had been born. I have no regrets.

Sorry @Crumbs1 but I disagree. He's had the same amount of time to get used to the idea as the OP has. It shouldn't take physically watching the child come into the world as a jolt into reality and it certainly shouldn't be dangled over her head as a point of uncertainty

RedBlackberries · 31/01/2018 05:01

Just adding to the chorus of don't even consider it. He has no right.

Addy2 · 31/01/2018 05:02

A point to note is that if he doesn't sign the birth register he does not get parental responsibilities and has no rights to the baby in law (see link below). Presumably, prior to there being a birth certificate, he has no rights over the baby and thus no right to be at the birth.

theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/parental-responsibility-for-unmarried-couples

Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 05:02

@Gunpowder I like this idea. I usually don't like to lie but this little white one will make for an easier life!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 05:06

@NavyGold thank you! I will bare this in mind. I'm sure I will not have regrets either if I go down this route.. which is looking likely.

Can I ask, what happened in your situation. Did he come around after seeing your daughter and have involvement?

Xx

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 31/01/2018 05:09

Addy not even a husband has a legal right to be at a birth. Quite rightly.

RunRivers · 31/01/2018 05:09

Absolutely not. What if he decides to film it? Could you trust him to see you so intimately and vulnerable?

GaraMedouar · 31/01/2018 05:09

No, no, no, no - absolutely do not allow him at the birth! As others have said don’t even tell him you’ve gone into labour.
You need to be relaxed (as much as you can) and having him there will stress you out which is no good at all.
Just no - your decision.

Also - give the baby your surname and as someone else said if he’s not there to register birth with you then he’ll not have automatic parental responsibility. He sounds really controlling.

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 05:13

If I were you I would insist on a formal custody arrangement if he does decide on seeing the child, after it is born, and ensure he doesn't deviate from it, it isn't fair on the child.

--- this is a daunting thought. I would be worried handing over my daughter. It might be better if I alow access in my presence and just stay out of his way. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do as he is not open to having any discussions yet / structure on how we are going to co parent.

The labour is just the first step... Let alone anything else. God help me .

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 31/01/2018 05:15

Absolutely no way!

Your birthing partner must primarily be your advocate. They need to be there to support you. Anything else is secondary to that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/01/2018 05:17

Labour is about you. Only you go through it and it's called labour for a reason. It's hard. Do you have supportive people who could be there? If not, a doula is an option.

Its also the first time you 'meet' the tiny person you've created. Which is a weird and awesome thing. Don't let him taint that. Put him out of your mind until your baby is here.

Not on the birth certificate and not his last name.

GnomeDePlume · 31/01/2018 05:17

Just to add to the chorus.

He has the same rights to be in the room for the birth as you have to be in the room when he gets his prostate checked out.

ie: none

Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 05:20

@RunRivers

Absolutely not. What if he decides to film it? Could you trust him to see you so intimately and vulnerable?

--
Oh my gosh I hadn't even considered that foul play! Even if he decides to spectate and make phonecalls all the while reinforcing the notion that I am worthless!

I have made up my mind.

Thank you mums. I can't stress how supportive you all have been.

Xxxxx

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2018 05:24

Another 'no fucking way' vote here.

And as far as him 'laying into you', he can only do that if you let him. Phones can be put down and doors can be shut in someone's face. Remember that and don't let him even get started.

Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 05:27

@MrsTerryPratchett my sister wants to be there.. undecided if I want her there seeing me in that much pain. We have never been that close.

Is it irresponsible of me to want to just do it alone with just the midwives. I've gone through the whole pregnancy alone pretty much. I don't really feel there is anyone I want to share those moments with .

OP posts:
NavyGold · 31/01/2018 05:27

@Mummblebee Nope, he is the very definition of a waste of space. He stopped seeing her at a few months old. Attempted to make contact again when she was 4 and then buggered off again after a couple of months. He's utterly useless. Wanting to be at the birth means absolutely nothing. It does nothing to suggest he is going to be in it for the long haul. Especially if he cant decide whether he wants to be there or not. What he is essentially saying is that he is going to make a decision about whether he feels like carrying out his very first fatherly duty depending on what side of the bed he got out on that morning.
Ultimately, YOU have to call the shots in this situation in order to protect your mental head space and your baby's well being. That doesn't equate to withholding contact necessarily, it just means that unless he is demonstrating commitment and consistency, then you are under no obligation to pander to his whims. You take control because as your baby gets older, the inconsistency will cause confusion and it will be awful for both of you. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you like :)

NavyGold · 31/01/2018 05:28

Is it irresponsible of me to want to just do it alone with just the midwives.

Not irresponsible at all. Do whatever you want to do that will make you feel comfortable.

Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 05:29

@Rainbowqueeen thank you for your kind words

Xxx

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/01/2018 05:30

If you think just the midwives works for you, that's what works for you. Remember, it's your labour.

I had someone 'on standby' in case I needed her. Could you do that with your sister? I was induced though and spent days in the hospital. I needed people to distract me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/01/2018 05:34

You can always do a live labour thread and we can all be there Grin

ShackUp · 31/01/2018 05:39

OP I echo a PP who recommended that you register the birth on your own, in your name only. You should leave him off the birth certificate. Good luck Thanks