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Original poster

Father not willing to commit to a birth plan,but wants all options available to him

242 replies

Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 02:59

Hi mum's.

I will try to keep a long story short.

I'm pregnant, due in march 2018.

It was an unplanned pregnancy and I am not with the father anymore. He wanted an abortion, I refused. Over the last few months he has said in no uncertain terms that he hates me for going ahead with this and will not be supportive towards this pregnancy. He has stayed true to that and I've not seen him and barely heard a peep. We've had a handful of conversations throughout pregnancy.. some amicable, others not so much..

So that's the background story.

The father has now said that he wants the option of being at the birth, however he will not tell me if he will or not... He says he wants to see how he feels but wants the option available to him. He was quite adamant that it was his right as the father to have this option available to him.

I have asked him to meet up but he will not even see me and I have recently found out he is back with his ex girlfriend ( which I'm ok with, she can have him! )

My question is .. does any reasonable person think they should be entitled to be at the birth when they have not been supportive for the entire pregnancy.

He won't commit either way to being there or not being there so it's a frustrating situation to be in as I do not know what to do when things start rolling with the labour. Do I text him when waters break and leave the ball in his court?

If I drop him a text after baby arrives then he will also lay into me for taking the option away from him to be at the birth. So all in all I can't win and it will be a drama and all about him on the day.

What would you all advice?

Thanks mum's xx

OP posts:
SarahSiddons · 04/04/2018 22:16

“ do not tell them anything you are not happy for dad to hear”

This seems very sound advice.

mathanxiety · 05/04/2018 02:06

Register your baby as soon as you can and without him, then it's done and not up for discussion. Putting him on the certificate gives him rights which may well backfire if he wants to hurt you. He could refuse to hand her over. In the long run you can allow him to be as involved as he wants, his name not being on the certificate doesn't change that. But just go and register her with your sister as soon as you can.

THIS^^

and

do not tell them anything you are not happy for dad to hear

THIS^^

It is so hard, but you have to protect yourself and your baby here.

(And paying child support does not mean he gets access, no matter what he or anyone else connected to him says. It's not a quid pro quo.)

Hope all is well.
Flowers

Emerencealwayshopeful · 05/04/2018 02:13

Welcome earthside baby girl. Seems like you have a pretty strong mother looking out for you.

Repeating advice already upthread. Register her yourself without any discussion with his family members. Don’t overshare with them. And give yourself permission to tell his mother/sister to butt out if they try to ‘discuss’ anything.

Celticlassie · 05/04/2018 22:14

Congratulations! Thanks

Original poster
Mummblebee · 02/05/2018 17:33

Hi all.

Thank you for all of the messages.

My daughter has been registered with my name this week..

The morning after I delivered my daughter, the father's sister called me with an update to say he will have involvement on the condition that I leave my daughter with herself or their mum so he can spend time with the baby without having to see me.
Very spiteful timing, as I went the entire pregnancy in a state of uncertainty as to his intention of involvment.
Needless to say I refused and ended the convo.

I heard from him 3 weeks after her birth one morning and he asked to see "the child" that same evening. I had already made plans , and it was short notice but regardless I agreed he could meet her in starbucks. He then refused when I informed him I wasn't comfortable coming alone, and would have a friend with me for support.

He was adamant it should be me , him and his mum. No discussion or debate to be had. " We'll just do it another time" . Not heard anything since.

So in short, he's been evasive the entire pregnancy and now wants things on his terms in order to be involved.

I haven't heard anything since. Sorry for the long update!

Any advice or outside perspective would be really welcome and appreciated x

OP posts:
Celticlassie · 02/05/2018 20:15

He's being a dick just for the sake of it. If he really wanted to see his child he'd do it, regardless of what conditions you set. Just keep saying no, stand your ground and he'll almost certainly lose interest.

o0o0 · 02/05/2018 21:27

Hey Op. firstly congratulations!
Secondly- please keep a diary of all these interactions. Don't delete any message. If you can only communicate through text/email so a record is kept.
It can only help if shit goes south with the worthless "dad"

Enjoy your precious little girl Smile

ShackUp · 02/05/2018 21:51

It sounds like his mum wants to see the baby and he's not arsed. Please don't see either of them alone, they will railroad you into doing as they wish. Congratulations on your baby Thanks

Original poster
Mummblebee · 03/05/2018 01:51

Thank you x

OP posts:
Copperbonnet · 03/05/2018 02:10

Please don't see either of them alone, they will railroad you into doing as they wish

This ^^ I don’t like the sound of the family trying to get you alone or of him seeing the baby via his sister/Mum.

It sounds like you are being very sensible. Keep up the good work.

Congratulations on your daughter. Flowers

Starlight2345 · 03/05/2018 13:07

Hope you are doing ok . They are exhausting at this age .

I would simply make no contact . Don’t do anything and I agree don’t go on your own. If he was so. Desperate to see his dd then he would have.

LittleMissB83 · 03/05/2018 17:34

Congratulations OP!

Just to say that I also have a brand new son (born at the end of February so about your daughter’s age). I hope your daughter is giving you as much joy as my son is (although I know it’s very tiring) and that you have some support from elsewhere.
My son’s father is also a controlling and fairly unpleasant individual and I had a lot of the same experiences as you during the pregnancy. Stick to your guns. You’re doing the right thing. If you want someone to talk to then please feel free to message me! X

LittleMissB83 · 03/05/2018 17:36

Sorry I’ve been rubbish about finishing messages properly! Grin I’m also a LP... registered my son without his father present and in my name (luckily he still denies paternity so that was easy!), and just applied through child maintenance. Trying to be strong and do what is best for my son.

Strawberry2017 · 03/05/2018 17:45

When giving birth you need strong supportive people with you, who can act as your voice if for any reason you can't, who you don't feel uncomfortable with.
I would suggest you tell him only when you have had the baby, had a few hours to bond and feel well enough for visitors.
I had a emergency csection (after 5 traumatic days of everything) and they showed me my baby but then my husband held her whilst they stitched me back up.
Would you want him to do that for you?
I think take your mum/friend/someone who loves you.
It doesn't matter what he thinks it's about you. X
Good luck Mummy. X

Strawberry2017 · 03/05/2018 17:48

Sorry - didn't notice the date changes whoops

Strawberry2017 · 03/05/2018 17:51

Congratulations- you are already a wonderful Mummy for putting you and baby first.
I'm so happy for you. X

Original poster
Mummblebee · 05/05/2018 00:18

Thank you everyone.
Xxx

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