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Original poster

Father not willing to commit to a birth plan,but wants all options available to him

242 replies

Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 02:59

Hi mum's.

I will try to keep a long story short.

I'm pregnant, due in march 2018.

It was an unplanned pregnancy and I am not with the father anymore. He wanted an abortion, I refused. Over the last few months he has said in no uncertain terms that he hates me for going ahead with this and will not be supportive towards this pregnancy. He has stayed true to that and I've not seen him and barely heard a peep. We've had a handful of conversations throughout pregnancy.. some amicable, others not so much..

So that's the background story.

The father has now said that he wants the option of being at the birth, however he will not tell me if he will or not... He says he wants to see how he feels but wants the option available to him. He was quite adamant that it was his right as the father to have this option available to him.

I have asked him to meet up but he will not even see me and I have recently found out he is back with his ex girlfriend ( which I'm ok with, she can have him! )

My question is .. does any reasonable person think they should be entitled to be at the birth when they have not been supportive for the entire pregnancy.

He won't commit either way to being there or not being there so it's a frustrating situation to be in as I do not know what to do when things start rolling with the labour. Do I text him when waters break and leave the ball in his court?

If I drop him a text after baby arrives then he will also lay into me for taking the option away from him to be at the birth. So all in all I can't win and it will be a drama and all about him on the day.

What would you all advice?

Thanks mum's xx

OP posts:
saladdays66 · 01/02/2018 09:44

No, he has no right to be at the birth. That is up to YOU. You need to feel safe and supported when you labour. You won't if he's there.

Arse.

Good luck. Best to say clearly how you want things NOW and don't listen to him faffing and changing his mind and trying to get you to dance to his tune.

ANother27 · 13/02/2018 20:23

@Mummblebee I split from my ExH when pregnant. He said he wanted to be at the birth but I wasn't comfortable with it. I told him this, and he said he still would like to be but understood. My friends had more of a reaction to it than he did!!! My mum text him when I had the drip put in (induced) and also midwives advised my mum when to tell him to head to the hospital. He was outside (waiting rooms etc) for 3 hours and staff were informed of our situation and were told when to let him in.

As PP have said, it's absolutely nobody's right to be there when you give birth, you need to be comfortable (as possible 😂) and if you decide the time is right, then he can be let in.

Make sure you inform your midwives/staff he is NOT to come in, and tell them he will be informed when he can enter by staff - if you choose to let him come to hospital at all. Good luck Thanks

ANother27 · 13/02/2018 20:24

(My ds was born at 10:30 and he wasn't allowed in til about 1am!! Was being cleaned and stitched up! Lol)

newsparklythings · 14/02/2018 08:00

Have just read the thread you are absolutely making the best decision for you and baby

I did a 2-day labour by myself. Honestly I think I'd do it again.

One thing about going into the hospital - be sure to tell the front desk very strictly that he shouldn't come in and insist they pass that info on during any staff changeover etc, so he can't get past security into your labour room if he does turn up (someone tried at mine and I'm not the only woman I know this has happened to)

namechange2222 · 14/02/2018 08:21

Tell him to fuck off. It's not a bloody peep show. I'd rather stick needles into my eyes than have anyone in a labour room who didn't love and respect me

Starlight2345 · 14/02/2018 19:37

Great plan .
My self absorbed ex was at the birth ( he was dh at the time ) I would sooner labour alone than with an unsupportive partner.

Seth · 16/02/2018 08:00

Sorry I haven't had a chance to read through all of the replies but did want to comment. As others have no doubt said.. no way would I let him in. I ws in a similar position and told my now ex H that I didn't want him there. As others have doubtless said.. you need to be surrounded by love and support and positivity at that time. Please consider if possible what I opted for.. I had my 2 best friends at my DS'd birth. They had both had children and were absolutely brilliant and so supportive and encouraging . It was my second birth and it felt countless times better than my first when my H was there. An amazing experience. They now consider my DS (now 7) as part theirs as they were there when he entered the world. I look back on that day with such positive memories. Ex H got a phone call with the news (he was in the area with friends) and visited later on that day. Good luck op

Original poster
Mummblebee · 28/03/2018 20:54

Hi all,
Official due date is tomorrow.. just a heads up - I will keep you all posted.

The father stayed true to his word and has offered no support financial or practical for entirety of the pregnancy as he did not want this situation. He also has me blocked as of eight months pregnant and told me he does not wish to speak directly to me. He is kept updated incidentally through his mum and sister as they both want to be involved, and have asked me to keep them in the loop, which I have been doing.

They have both said they would like to come to the hospital to meet the baby when she is here and are excited to do that. The mum said " I might be cheeky and ask father to give me a lift ".

I have no idea what I'm going to do yet and will have to play it by ear.

I think I'm having mild contractions every 30 mins or so but it could be Braxton Hicks. No mucus plug yet or waters breaking.

Will keep informed with progress.
Thanks mum's.
Xx

OP posts:
ItWillAllBeOkayInTheEnd · 28/03/2018 21:00

Good luck Mumble!

crumble82 · 28/03/2018 21:12

Just found this thread. Good luck with everything.

BiologyMatters · 28/03/2018 21:15

He sounds like a nightmare. Do what's right for you and your baby and don't worry about him. Good luck for the birth Flowers

endofthelinefinally · 28/03/2018 21:17

Personally I would ignore him completely and not put his name on the birth certificate.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 28/03/2018 21:35

Good luck! Thanks

Original poster
Mummblebee · 28/03/2018 21:52

Thank you all xx

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 28/03/2018 21:56

Ignore his mum and sister their loyalty will always be with him. Don’t ever think they are on your side. Let them know when she’s a few days/a week old.

BitchPeas · 28/03/2018 21:56

And good luck! You can do this. Flowers

redastherose · 28/03/2018 22:09

Good luck, hope for a smooth labour for you.

TalkFastThinkSlow · 28/03/2018 22:18

Firstly, good luck! Flowers

Secondly, I agree with BitchPeas

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2018 03:45

ThanksThanksThanksThanks

Good luck!

ShackUp · 29/03/2018 06:21

I really wouldn't involve his family at all. I think I said this before but please leave his name off the birth certificate. Good luck OP Thanks

TheMaddHugger · 29/03/2018 07:17

((((((Hugs)))) and Good Wishes. Flowers

DarkPeakScouter · 29/03/2018 07:26

Dint have him there - too stressful. Just say ‘soz, panicked when going to hospital and forgot phone then couldn’t remember yr number’

RipleyAlien · 29/03/2018 07:27

Tell him to fuck right off! Actually, no, don’t tell him anything at all. Send him a text when, and if, you feel like it after the birth. He’s being a manipulative arse and you’ve got bigger things to worry about right now than accommodating his wishes.

Take care of yourself and your baby.

PLFDiDi · 29/03/2018 07:48

He can't come to the birth unless he is going to be helpful and make things better for you. It's not a tea party, it's a serious and intimate time. Supportive people only. I expect he would be thrown out by the hospital staff given his attitude anyway. Let him be in the corridor if you like but not in the room. You have to be selfish on this one. There is no other way to do the best for your child. X

GeekyWombat · 29/03/2018 08:51

Good luck for today OP!