Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Father not willing to commit to a birth plan,but wants all options available to him

242 replies

Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 02:59

Hi mum's.

I will try to keep a long story short.

I'm pregnant, due in march 2018.

It was an unplanned pregnancy and I am not with the father anymore. He wanted an abortion, I refused. Over the last few months he has said in no uncertain terms that he hates me for going ahead with this and will not be supportive towards this pregnancy. He has stayed true to that and I've not seen him and barely heard a peep. We've had a handful of conversations throughout pregnancy.. some amicable, others not so much..

So that's the background story.

The father has now said that he wants the option of being at the birth, however he will not tell me if he will or not... He says he wants to see how he feels but wants the option available to him. He was quite adamant that it was his right as the father to have this option available to him.

I have asked him to meet up but he will not even see me and I have recently found out he is back with his ex girlfriend ( which I'm ok with, she can have him! )

My question is .. does any reasonable person think they should be entitled to be at the birth when they have not been supportive for the entire pregnancy.

He won't commit either way to being there or not being there so it's a frustrating situation to be in as I do not know what to do when things start rolling with the labour. Do I text him when waters break and leave the ball in his court?

If I drop him a text after baby arrives then he will also lay into me for taking the option away from him to be at the birth. So all in all I can't win and it will be a drama and all about him on the day.

What would you all advice?

Thanks mum's xx

OP posts:
TournesolsetLavande · 31/01/2018 05:40

My question is .. does any reasonable person think they should be entitled to be at the birth when they have not been supportive for the entire pregnancy.

He isn't entitled, he knows this and he's just screwing with you. His attitude is that if you can choose to go ahead with the pregnancy against his will and force him to pay to support a child he wanted no part of then he is going to exercise his right to be the father as and when when it suits him, even in situations where it is uncomfortable for you.

He has no right to demand anything of the sort and he's being a dick.

Just don't tell him when you go into labour - what's he going to do? Sue you?

I don't imagine for one moment he'd turn up at the hospital anyway, he's just enjoying a little frisson of power by holding this over you.

he sounds like he'd be a crap dad anyway so I don't think having him present at the birth will bring about a sudden and long lasting epiphany on his part.

eightoutoftencats · 31/01/2018 05:42

Total dickwad! No he has no right to demand that he's there and hospital staff will support you in that I think as their priority is mum and baby. I'd close that option off to him in no uncertain terms. Tell him upfront that he's not welcome at the birth and you have selected x as your birth partner. Maybe choose two people as he then can't come in anyway. He's trying to control a situation and it sounds highly unlikely that he wants to be there. Start being tough now as it sounds like you will have to nip his attitude in the bud.... Good luck!

NavyGold · 31/01/2018 05:43

I don't think having him present at the birth will bring about a sudden and long lasting epiphany on his part.

This exactly

Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 05:44

@MrsTerryPratchett You can always do a live labour thread and we can all be there grin

I love this idea . I will be doing this. Haha
Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 05:59

@NavyGold

Thank you for sharing your experience. It really helps.

I will pm you. Thank you
Xx

OP posts:
IggyAce · 31/01/2018 06:15

Honestly don't have him at the birth and inform him afterwards. Also agree with pp register the birth on your own and your DD gets your surname.
Moving forward I would change your phone number and before you do inform ex that all communication will be via email in future. This gives you control and sets a boundary also gives you all communication written down which you can use in court should it get to that stage later. Remember keep all communication about child only and offer dates times when they are available for access.

LML83 · 31/01/2018 06:20

I am shocked!!!! If you got on very well, and he was a good support to you then maybe you would be comfortable with him there.

He has no right to be there when you are at your most vulnerable! Unbelievable he would think that's ok. Especially when you can't rely on him.

I would explain a birth partner is there to help you, not to be front of the queue to see the baby. Say you are happy for him to come to the hospital when you are on ward but you are having ..... as birth partner as you need help and support during it.

He sounds so self centred! Glad you aren't with him!

Believeitornot · 31/01/2018 06:23

Also agree with pp register the birth on your own and your DD gets your surname

My mum did this and to my shame cannot even tell me his name now.

I feel like she’s taken away the chance for me to find out who my father was even though he fucked off.

AuntieStella · 31/01/2018 06:27

Yes, keep it all about the DC.

He has no place during your labour, but should be informed once the baby is born.

I agree that you should not put him on the birth certificate (not least because as you are unmarried he would have to go with you to register and as he has form for dicking you round I think this is a stressor best avoided). He can apply for PR separately if he's really intending to parent his child properly. You can assure your DC about their paternity by means other than BC.

Give the DC your surname, and decide what access pattern younwould like, and the range of other possibles for a fair negotiation.

CMS claim does not require the father to be on the BC, so if he doesn't pay maintenance regularly by choice, then you can still go through them.

katand2kits · 31/01/2018 06:27

Your legal position is easy. You are going to be admitted to hospital as a patient. You get to choose your visitors! Whilst the baby remains a part of your body, he has zero parental rights. Your body your choice etc.

MrsJoshDun · 31/01/2018 06:28

I’m a midwife and I can totally promise he has no legal right to be there. Personally I wouldn’t tell him till afterwards but if he does know you’re in labour warn the midwives and they will ensure he isn’t allowed on the ward.

You’re very vulnerable in labour and need to feel very, very comfortable with anyone there. You need to focus on who will best support you, who’s going to hold your hand, rub your back, clean sick up, literally hold you up?

It’s not a spectator event for him to sit there affecting your hormones and labour progress. Get a friend/sister/mother and don’t apologise to him for looking after yourself.

Doctordid · 31/01/2018 06:28

He has no legal right to be at the birth. Even if you were together.
The amount of people you are allowed in in labour is limited. You need someone who is going to be calm and supportive and comforting and not sit in the corner waiting for you to give birth eating McDonald's and moaning you aren't labouring fast enough.

ToucanPlayAtThatGame · 31/01/2018 06:31

It's not his "right" as a father. When I gave birth last year, I had just left my abusive husband, and he was adamant he could attend the birth if he wanted to. Nope. Talk to your midwife, they can put an information block on your notes so he won't be informed, and if he turns up at the hospital he will not be allowed access. It's such a vulnerable time, and you need a safe, supportive feeling in the room.
Wishing you all the best for birth and beyond, it's not going to be easy but it's so so worth it Thanks

bastardkitty · 31/01/2018 06:32

Put an end to his selfish by musings with one word - NO. He does not have yours or the baby's best interests at heart. Please stop waiting for him. He is irrelevant.

Redken24 · 31/01/2018 06:32

Excuse the vulgar but fuck that.
Giving birth is an experience (not sure which kind) and if he's been a pig now then absolutely don't bother. You do not need the stress, when u have delivered baby you will have lots of emotions going on. Don't worry about that twat.

insancerre · 31/01/2018 06:33

What a bully!
There is no way he gets to make a decison like that
Also, to have parental responsibility and a say in the baby's upbringing, he will need to be on the birth certificate so he will need to go with you when you register the birth
But I can't see that happening

Doctordid · 31/01/2018 06:34

'Believeitornot

Also agree with pp register the birth on your own and your DD gets your surname

My mum did this and to my shame cannot even tell me his name now.'

That's awful but I don't think the fact she gave you her name is relevant. My friend had a baby forty years ago out of wedlock and remembers the father's name.

Mummblebee its been a right pain in the arse having a different name to the dc. Do register them in your name. My friends ex has tried to change it but the court have refused.

CPtart · 31/01/2018 06:36

He doesn't want to be at the birth. He's trying to wind you up. Don't communicate at all. Don't argue the point, that's what he wants. Don't speak to him, don't answer his calls, don't text. Get onto the CSA immediately (that will hurt him the most) and dont look back.

sparklepops123 · 31/01/2018 06:42

He sounds like a right dick ! Start as you mean to go on, the birth will be a very personal experience for you the last thing you need is him there. Do you really want him to decide when and if he will see your child? YOU set the boundaries not him

RoseAndRose · 31/01/2018 06:42

I suggest that you don't contact him (blowing hot and cold, not answering calls etc)

If he bothers to ask about the birth, tell him you have reflected on it and have decided to have (one female supporter, or insert other genuine choice here) and will inform him when the baby has been born.

Given you say you expect he'll be nasty on the day for not being there, even if he never contacts you again, it might be worth sending a message along those lines one day when you're feeling strong in the hope of dealing with it sooner and not when you're immediately post-natal.

Believeitornot · 31/01/2018 06:43

Well I wasn’t bothered about having my mums name - it was my normal. It wasn’t more the shame of looking at my birth certificate, whenever I have to share it and that bit being missing.

My understanding is you don’t have to use the father’s surname if you put it on the birth certificate.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 31/01/2018 06:47

No fucking way. End of.

If you want someone will you it needs to be someone you can trust at your most vulnerable. Really for the birth it's for the mother not the baby.

userabcname · 31/01/2018 06:50

No way!!! If he won't meet you while you are pregnant why the fuck should he be allowed the option to be there during the birth?? It absolutely is not his right. Tell him to sod off. Labour is a very vulnerable time. You should only have someone there who you know has your back 100%. Good luck to you OP and don't let that bastard ruin this amazing time for you.

PeonyTruffle · 31/01/2018 06:50

Absolutely no way. Tell him to poke it.

I would also go for a little contact for him as I could possibly get away with. You watch him want to play happy families with baby and his new girlfriend when he/she arrives....

Good luck OP

tomatosalt · 31/01/2018 06:55

“One suspects his fathering might be sub optimal anyway so probably no great loss” I couldn’t agree more with this.

RE facilitating contact - Don’t feel pressured to spend time with this awful man if he says he wants to see his daughter. I doubt he will be jumping up and down and applying to court to be listed on the birth certificate and given parental responsibility so no real risk of unsupervised contact. Unless he has a personality transplant between now and the birth, he is not going to be a satisfactory father and you’re better off without that negative influence in your DD’s life.