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Original poster

Father not willing to commit to a birth plan,but wants all options available to him

242 replies

Mummblebee · 31/01/2018 02:59

Hi mum's.

I will try to keep a long story short.

I'm pregnant, due in march 2018.

It was an unplanned pregnancy and I am not with the father anymore. He wanted an abortion, I refused. Over the last few months he has said in no uncertain terms that he hates me for going ahead with this and will not be supportive towards this pregnancy. He has stayed true to that and I've not seen him and barely heard a peep. We've had a handful of conversations throughout pregnancy.. some amicable, others not so much..

So that's the background story.

The father has now said that he wants the option of being at the birth, however he will not tell me if he will or not... He says he wants to see how he feels but wants the option available to him. He was quite adamant that it was his right as the father to have this option available to him.

I have asked him to meet up but he will not even see me and I have recently found out he is back with his ex girlfriend ( which I'm ok with, she can have him! )

My question is .. does any reasonable person think they should be entitled to be at the birth when they have not been supportive for the entire pregnancy.

He won't commit either way to being there or not being there so it's a frustrating situation to be in as I do not know what to do when things start rolling with the labour. Do I text him when waters break and leave the ball in his court?

If I drop him a text after baby arrives then he will also lay into me for taking the option away from him to be at the birth. So all in all I can't win and it will be a drama and all about him on the day.

What would you all advice?

Thanks mum's xx

OP posts:
PeonyTruffle · 04/04/2018 06:14

Congratulations OP! Flowers

PhuntSox · 04/04/2018 07:26

FlowersFlowersFlowers Congratulations! FlowersFlowersFlowers

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 04/04/2018 08:27

What a lovely update! Huge congratulations!

Enjoy these days, they are precious Smile

mathanxiety · 04/04/2018 08:49

Congratulations!

If there has to be a 'discussion', don't do it until at least a month has passed.

You will be in a daze the first week, wrecked in two weeks, even moreso in three. Maybe by six weeks, if you can manage to get some help from family or friends to let you catch some sleep.

You should contact Women's Aid in the meantime.

Twickerhun · 04/04/2018 09:00

Congratulations Flowers

sparklepops123 · 04/04/2018 09:03

Congratulations 💐

DartmoorDoughnut · 04/04/2018 09:04

Congratulations Flowers

TheClitterati · 04/04/2018 09:16

He does not get to make these demands. I was in similar position years ago now and cringe now at How over accommodating I was to an abusive utter spineless thoughtless prick.

I would suggest you just leave him
Be for now. Ignore any requests. Ignore his flip flopping. Center yourself and your baby.
Don't rely on him for anything.

Send him a text after the birth.

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/04/2018 09:19

Just found this thread, congrats OP!

TheClitterati · 04/04/2018 09:19

Oh good grief I missed the marvellous update BlushBlushBlush

Congrats and well done OP xx ThanksThanksCakeBrew

LotsToThinkOf · 04/04/2018 09:24

Congratulations OP!

Please don't have any 'discussions' in the first few weeks and keep his family at arms length. It's hard in the early days and you could become dependent on them, once you're used to it you won't really want them there but it'll be too late.

Register your baby as soon as you can and without him, then it's done and not up for discussion. Putting him on the certificate gives him rights which may well backfire if he wants to hurt you. He could refuse to hand her over. In the long run you can allow him to be as involved as he wants, his name not being on the certificate doesn't change that. But just go and register her with your sister as soon as you can.

GrooovyLass · 04/04/2018 09:45

Congratulations!

Having been in a similar position to yours I would say fend off him and his family for as long as possible until you're feeling a lot stronger.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 04/04/2018 10:24

OP, please do remember you are vulnerable right now. You’ll want everyone to feel the love for your daughter that you feel, and the world looks different today.

But you are going to have to build up some resilience and self-preservation here. His family are wrapped up in his and their needs, not yours. It will be about their entitlement to your child, not your needs.

You will need to find the strength to keep your boundaries firmly in place.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

snewsname · 04/04/2018 10:33

Enjoy the snuggles.
If he's not paying cm then he doesn't get to see her on his own. Perhaps with his dm or when she's older, but no money, he gets no say.

Twickerhun · 04/04/2018 10:44

sNew I don’t actually totally agree that money = access. That’s a dangerous road to go down. No money quite often means the dad is being a dick, and dicks shouldn’t have access but you shouldn’t be able to buy access.

Weezol · 04/04/2018 10:50

Delighted to hear that baby Mummble has made her debut. Congratulations to you, enjoy your daughter, you both sound to be content and happy which is wonderful Flowers.

MollyHuaCha · 04/04/2018 10:56

Congratulations Easter Smile

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 04/04/2018 11:00

Ah lovely update op! Congratulations x

SheSellSeaShells · 04/04/2018 13:19

awww Congratulations!!!!

Don't have any 'discussions' for a few weeks.... and certainly not until you have had the name registered (yours not his).

AcrossthePond55 · 04/04/2018 14:02

There's no rush for any ' discussion '. You need time to rest and enjoy your beautiful new daughter.

He can wait until it feels right to you.

SarahSiddons · 04/04/2018 19:04

Huge congratulations. I agree with others that ‘discussions’ can wait. This is a vulnerable time and you and your daughter are starting your new relationship. I know it might sound harsh but I’d minimise involvement with his family for now - you don’t really know where their loyalties lie but it’s most likely with your ex and not you and as someone else has pointed out you don’t want to give them the opportunity to make themselves indispensable and then find they take advantage later. Use your sister as a gatekeeper if you can.

Pinkprincess1978 · 04/04/2018 19:31

Congratulations! I first read your post the other day after you had gone into labour so pleased to see the result! Welcome to the world baby girl 😍

The other stuff will sort themselves out, so long as baby has a loving mummy then she will be just fine!

Starlight2345 · 04/04/2018 20:05

Congratulations .

I would echo what others have said , this is a very vulnerable time for you .

Enjoy your newborn days . Do not be too accommodating to his family and do not tell them anything you are not happy for dad to hear . I cannot emphasise enough do not let them know when you are registering the birth.

EdithWeston · 04/04/2018 20:15

Congratulations!

As his mother has visited, I don't think you need to do anything more concerning that side of your DD's family for now.

If you get on well with his DMum, or at least if she is a reasonable person, that might be the least stressful avenue for communication.

I agree with all,the other posters who advise against putting his name on the birth certificate.

TalkFastThinkSlow · 04/04/2018 20:23

Congratulations! Flowers

Tell the sister there's nothing to discuss.