Ex is having a baby

[CandyCrush77]

Just found out that my ex DH is having a baby with his girlfriend who he has known for less than a year. My ex and I got split up in 2011 after he had an affair and left us after behaving horribly. He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and completely selfish throughout the break-up. I have two DSs, 7 and 5, who live with me full time and see him at weekends but only very occasionally stay over with him. He was never an involved father so they never want to stay over and I never push it. I met someone shortly after we split up and we have now been together 4 years, married for 1. For some reason I am totally shocked by the news that my ex is having a baby. mainly because he is not a great dad to his two existing children and I fear that they will get even less of his time and attention plus there could well be financial consequences (can he pay less maintenance if he has a 3rd baby?) He is also not a "natural" dad and when we had kids he just couldn't cope with the mess/boredom/lack of free time having kids meant, so I wonder how long it will last with this woman, especially given that he is a total narcissist. Also, what is this woman thinking? She has known him less than a year and knows he has two young children. Apparently the pregnancy wasn't planned and he isn't happy about it. Just seem really irresponsible on both their parts. He does next to nothing for the kids he does have so seems so odd to have another. In addition, DH and I have been thinking for a long time that we would like to have a child but kept putting it off, wanting it to be right for all the existing children (DH also has 2 kids, aged 12 and 10). I now feel I can't have a baby as it would be too much for my DSs to cope with as they would have two half siblings in one year! Also, what does this mean for them? Do they have to have a relationship with this child? They barely know this woman as she has been around for such a short time. She moved him with him a month ago apparently. I worry so much that they boys will feel rejected by their father as she has moved into his house and it will now become their child's home. It's a 5 bed house and my ex hasn't even bothered to give them a bedroom. I also have no idea what my ex is going to tell them about the new baby. They don't know yet and I only found out through a mutual friend so no idea if/when he is planning on telling me. He thrives on NOT telling me things so I expect it will be when she is about 9 months pregnant. What do I tell my children and how do I make it easier for them? I feel so much pain that this horrible person can somehow keep wrecking our lives and hurting my children.

it has nothing to do with the SM at this stage! You don't know the situation Has nothing any of us said made sense to you? At all? That you have no idea what this woman has or hadn't considered, how the pregnancy came about, if your DP is even the father!! You've no clue and it makes no difference to this situation how much of a bitch she had been in the past!

It's more likely that other exw could understand how you feel in regards to your ex having a new baby, which reslly is the issue? You are an exw and I'm sure LP have plent exw posters. Please tell me that makes sense to you?

Tbf, I would have put this in relationships to get the most unbiased view.

Still stand by the fact that, although your ex is a twat, all you can do is be there for your DC and not give them the head space. Stop speculating about how the pregnancy came about and concentrate on your family. I think that has been the general consensus throughout this thread.

I posted in Step-parents as many of the issues relate to mixed up or blended families and getting a new sibling. One of the things I was seeking advice on is what to say to my DSs (AFTER their dad has told them). I have yet to see any helpful advice on that point. I discussed with my DH and we both think that DSs will be blindsided by this and probably confused. As I said, they don't really know this woman. DSs and DSCs have actually asked many times over the last year if DH and I can have another baby as they want a brother or sister but that is in the context of having known DH and DSCs for nearly 4 years and feeling comfortable with the situation. I hope I am wrong but I think they will be confused and possibly worried by the news rather than excited. I need to know how to support them. DH think it's wrong to say anything along the lines of, your dad still loves you (don't want to question that) or isn't it is exciting (I genuinely don't think that will be their reaction) but obviously we can't say anything negative either. DH thinks we just guage their reaction and listen to them but we are going to have to have some kind of response lined up.

My opinion of the g/f is unchanged. In my view she owes them kindness and consideration from the word go. It's called a duty of care (aka being a decent person), heighened even more the fact they are 7 and 5 and already been through a horrible break-up and left by the man she is supposed to care about. Big duty of care and lots of reasons not to throw caution to the wind and steam ahead. And yes, DH and I do DTD but we're able to use contraception effectively and control when we want to have children (one of the key developments in the last century and supposedly empowering to women). Most methods of contraception do enjoy a success rate of at least 95%. So yes, I do think she is irresponsible, thoughtless, selfish and possibly desperate and is pisses me off as her actions directly impact my children, most likely in a negative way. Given that I know what a shit my ex is and am well aware that he barely managed to find time to see them for a couple of hours once a week over the last 4 years, I think I am on pretty solid ground thinking that having another baby will mean that he sees his sons less. I'm afraid that this is exactly what will happen and that the crumbs they get be fewer and fewer. So yes, I am angry at that. Angry and hurt for my children.

But your anger is still misplaced, it should be directed at your ex rather than his girlfriend. The duty of care you mention is his, not hers. They are his children and she, by your own admission, hardly sees them so she will find it very hard to forge any sort of relationship with them and this is through no fault of her own.

You have been given advice on how to speak to your children about it. Keep your feelings neutral, try to make it into something the children can look forward to and take your lead from the children - talk about it when they being it up, don't dismiss their feelings and reassure them if they are feeling confused by it.

That is the only part of this whole situation you need to care about. The whys and wherefores of how she came to be pregnant are not your concern, just deal with your boys and forget about the rest.

As an aside, it's great that contraception has always worked for you, not all of us have the same experience, myself included, so it isn't against all realms of possibility that it could still be a contraception failure. Not that this should be anything you need to think about but just thought I'd reply to that part of your post.

You don't know how they will react, whether they'll find it exciting - you're just assuming they won't, and putting all this effort into something that is a complete unknown

You still sound hysterical, you're still attributing a huge number of negative adjectives to her, for no good reason whatsoever - you really do sound unhinged, and if a tiny, tiny bit of that comes across to your kids when they do eventually find out, then God help them

So Costa, you know my children better than I do? Yes, they MAY be ok with me. But having known them all their lives, my humble opinion is that they will probably not be. That's my opinion, and the opinion of DH and three close friends who know both boys well. I do think we know them better than you do. If i thought they would be ok with this I wouldn't be as worried. I don't think they will. My 7 year old has really really struggled trying to build a relationship with his father and literally only recently has started to get on with him better. We tried family counselling via the school until my ex turned on the counsellor and accused her of lying and being biased (never seen anyone looked so stunned). The friends I have told have alos unanmously expresed shock and horror that DH is having another baby (BEFORE i have expressed any view so not coloured by my reaction). Also, try to cut out the personal insults (hysterical, unhinged, god help my children) - it doesn't really add anything to your points and just makes you look like a bitch.

You're directing your anger at the wrong person.
She's done nothing wrong and doesn't owe you or your children anything.
If you feel your children will be affected by their dad having a baby then it's him you need to be annoyed at, not her.

I actually think that if she lost her baby then you'd be happy.

Oswin That's MN for ya!

And the anger is clearly at both of them. He is most to blame but she has acted irresponsibly and selfishly (note, this does not mean I think she should have consulted me/run it past me/that I control her life/that she should have an abortion/that she is not entitled to children or any of the other completely ridiculous speculative comments) but that I had would have thought/expected/hoped that most people in that situation would give a thought to the existing children and how it would impact them and possibly. goodness, even have waited a bit. Unless evidence to the contrary presents itself, a reasonable assumption, based on how my ex behaves and my limited interactions with her, is that she does not give a sh*t, in which case I am entitled to hold the view that I do. DH and the g/f have every opportunity to reassure me/us otherwise (DH could say, i fully intend to be there for the boys, this won't change my relationship with them etc) but they have not done so. Instead they are keeping it (or were keeping it as I have now texted DH to say that I know) a secret. So do not blame my for making the assumptions I have made. I may be proved wrong in future but so far with this person my observations are spot on.

Mascara, I have no feelings either way about the baby. If she owes me and my kids nothing, presumably I/we are entitled to feel the same about her.

But it was unplanned! How could she do all those things if she wasn't even planning on getting pregnant? She may be doing those things now! But you don't know....stop worrying about the what/if/why and deal with the things you do have control over...why are you harping back to what she should of done? It's done now, end of.

If she owes me and my kids nothing, presumably I/we are entitled to feel the same about her.

That would work, but you clearly don't feel nothing. Otherwise you wouldn't be obsessing over what they have done/didn't do/should have done

FWIW, I don't think it was unplanned on her part, or I find it very surprising if it was. If you want to create a good environment where the existing DCs are ok then you do things properly. Presumably they could have said something before 5/6 months so that the DCs know in good time, or presumably they could be saying something now? I have asked me ex when he plans to tell them so that I can support them and no response. He will be overjoyed to be keeping everyone in the dark, Very much his style. Also, had I got "fallen pregnant" (again, use of condoms usually prevents this) within 6 months of meeting DH then I don't think his ex would have been that happy at all because of the impact on her kids, and I can entirely understand why and probably would have felt bad about it. I certainly do not think for a minute that we would be on the good terms that we are now and that the 4 DCs would be as settled as they are had that been the case. Those of you who are saying that this doesn't impact them/is all ok are, frankly, bonkers. It has a massive impact. I can only assume that this is to justify your own life choices but it's really not that way to do things.

FWIW, I don't think it was unplanned on her part

There is literally no way you can know this, I don't care what your friend has told you.

You have no feelings either way about the baby?
That's not exactly true is it?
You think the baby's existence will affect your children, so in your eyes the baby is just one big negative.
But to other people, such as the baby's mum and extended family, that baby will be much wanted and loved.

WhoGives, I was saying that as mascara was asking me to start emoting about her losing the baby and that I am wishes for this and that. I was pointing out that I have no feelings about this person except to the extent it affects my children.

For the love of fuck woman! How do you know she didn't consider your children? Do you know that DP is the father?! Or is that just snother presumption! You know nothing about it You didn't want advice, you wanted to vent about the SM. You got advise about how to handle the kids. When they find out IF they're devestated support them and be there for them.

Your post at 1547, the first paragraph I thought YES, praise be, she gets it!! Then you kept typing, alas, it would appear you don't

Yes, I do see it as a negative. And you are completely speculating about the grandparents. using Scatterthenunsexpression, There is literally no way you can know this. So what anyway, it's not the point.

You are obviously not going to take in what everybody is saying. You have decided you are right and nothing anybody says is going to change this. I have told you that I have been in pretty much the exact same situation and given you advice on how I dealt with it (which is what you asked for originally) and it has been ignored. You have only responded to posts to justify your irrational anger and opinion on a woman you have only met a handful of times. You think she got pregnant on purpose, you don't know this for sure. Stop feeding on the drama of it all, accept the fact that you may be overreacting, calm down and stop getting so wound up about a situation you cannot change. It is done, your opinion on whether she got pregnant on purpose does nothing apart from wind you up more. Don't waste any more energy on it and just support your boys as and when they find out.

IMO a 5 and 7 year old would most likely be excited about having s baby brother or sister unless negative thoughts about it were placed in their heads

Yes, I think my view of her, and of my ex, is spot on. I not am actually disputing the advice given (accept it, move on, be there for your kids), all of which I am doing and will continue to do, so stop criticising me for not taking advice. This thread has now become about the g/f and whether she has any responsibility in this matter. You are saying she doesn't and I disagree. Sorry but I am not going to change my opinion on that from anything anyone has said on this thread. Happy to take advice on other bit of the thread.

ok...say she did trap him, and say she hasn't given your kids and the impact on them a second though, and say it was all to get the 5 bedroom house. Say your DH will drop your money and he will spend less time with the kids..... All that well all may be true, you don't know....but what can you do? Nothing. Again, all you can do is support your kids and don't let it tie you up in knots. Don't change your plans because of them as your kids have stability with you. I don't know what else to say to that.

Yes, Minniem, in YOUR opinion. You who don't know my kids. Enough said. And I love them too much to ever say anything to them that could upset them. That suggestion really is quite sickening in fact. Many times they ask me, why do you and Papa not live together, why did you get divorced? Surely if I wanted to put negative images in their heads, I would have said, oh because he had an affair and decided he didn't want mummy anymore, rather than, "because these things happen, grown-ups sometimes fight and sometimes it better if they are not married anymore". Honestly, please do shut up and stop posting your crap.

Your whole OP was about her get a grip! I'm leaving this thread it's boardering on the ridiculous now