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Original poster

Ex is having a baby

262 replies

CandyCrush77 · 02/11/2015 13:15

Just found out that my ex DH is having a baby with his girlfriend who he has known for less than a year. My ex and I got split up in 2011 after he had an affair and left us after behaving horribly. He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and completely selfish throughout the break-up. I have two DSs, 7 and 5, who live with me full time and see him at weekends but only very occasionally stay over with him. He was never an involved father so they never want to stay over and I never push it. I met someone shortly after we split up and we have now been together 4 years, married for 1. For some reason I am totally shocked by the news that my ex is having a baby. mainly because he is not a great dad to his two existing children and I fear that they will get even less of his time and attention plus there could well be financial consequences (can he pay less maintenance if he has a 3rd baby?) He is also not a "natural" dad and when we had kids he just couldn't cope with the mess/boredom/lack of free time having kids meant, so I wonder how long it will last with this woman, especially given that he is a total narcissist. Also, what is this woman thinking? She has known him less than a year and knows he has two young children. Apparently the pregnancy wasn't planned and he isn't happy about it. Just seem really irresponsible on both their parts. He does next to nothing for the kids he does have so seems so odd to have another. In addition, DH and I have been thinking for a long time that we would like to have a child but kept putting it off, wanting it to be right for all the existing children (DH also has 2 kids, aged 12 and 10). I now feel I can't have a baby as it would be too much for my DSs to cope with as they would have two half siblings in one year! Also, what does this mean for them? Do they have to have a relationship with this child? They barely know this woman as she has been around for such a short time. She moved him with him a month ago apparently. I worry so much that they boys will feel rejected by their father as she has moved into his house and it will now become their child's home. It's a 5 bed house and my ex hasn't even bothered to give them a bedroom. I also have no idea what my ex is going to tell them about the new baby. They don't know yet and I only found out through a mutual friend so no idea if/when he is planning on telling me. He thrives on NOT telling me things so I expect it will be when she is about 9 months pregnant. What do I tell my children and how do I make it easier for them? I feel so much pain that this horrible person can somehow keep wrecking our lives and hurting my children.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 05/11/2015 10:57

I think waiting does make a difference. What if the relationship doesn't last?
You made the decision to have two children yet your relationship didn't last. This will have affected your children somehow. Maybe you didn't act responsibly by having children with this man even though you waited a bit longer to have them.

I fell pregnant when OH and I had been together for only 5 months and that baby was planned (unfortunately miscarried). We did think about how that would affect the children, but I happened to believe that it wouldn't do so negatively, even though they would have had to learn to share me with another child. OH and I are still happily together.

You are not in charge of writing people's future. You have no idea whether your new marriage will last no more that your ex's new relationship is bound to fail. Statistically, yours is probably much more likely to survive, but it only that, a statistic, not a fact.

Time will make things easier especially if you decide not to judge their decision and just let yourself to observe what happens.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 05/11/2015 10:58

Haha yep my whole life should revolve around DH's ex and her life! Doesn't matter that she made a decision that meant she couldn't be there to pick her own son up. Because I got with a man with a child it's up to me to sort that out and if I don't then I'm not putting the child first and I clearly don't like him! Grin

m1nniedriver · 05/11/2015 11:02

yoi knew what you were getting into mascara. The first child should come first this was actually said on a post here, on the SP board Hmm

Kim82 · 05/11/2015 11:06

I also just want to point out that waiting to have a baby doesn't guarantee that you will stay together. I was with my ex for 4 years before we had our first baby, 3 years later we had another and the relationship broke down a year after that (we were together 8 years in total). I met my husband in feb, we started a relationship in May, moved in together in Jul and I was pregnant by December. We've now been together almost 10 years, have had another child since and are very happy. Having a child early on in a relationship isn't always a recipe for disaster just as waiting isn't always a guarantee that the relationship will go the distance.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 05/11/2015 11:09

Haha I love that over used phrase (not). First child should come first. Tbh I can believe that being on MN unfortunately. My SIL once said that as well and I was a bit wtf? about it.

MustBeLoopy390 · 05/11/2015 11:10

I haven't rtft but was in this situation not long ago, Dd's bio dad announced his gf/fiancée (unsure which it is) was pregnant a few weeks after we announced about Ds2. It's been lovely for Dd as she's just had two baby brothers born within 2 months of each other, but she is feeling left out as her ds-s and db come first in her bio dad's family. She tends to stay at her nana's while bio dad, gf/fiancée, ds-s and db go places etc then they visit her at nana's. She'll make her own mind up eventually I guess. Stop giving him headspace, accept you have no control over the situation and just be there to pick up the pieces for your children. Flowers

MascaraAndConverse89 · 05/11/2015 11:11

By over used phrase I meant "you knew what you were getting in to". Sorry I was meant to start a new paragraph!

Lightbulbon · 05/11/2015 11:19

She should have known him longer?

But you knew him for 7 years and he still turned out to be a shit so length of relationship is irrelevant surely?

swingofthings · 05/11/2015 11:33

It's all about what you mean by 'first child should come first'. It's not about favouring an existing child over the others, it's about ensuring that having another one will not impact negatively on the one already existing.

I do think all good parents do this before deciding to conceive again, however, thankfully, in most cases, it turns out that children benefit from having a sibling so it's not an issue and then all children are treated the same.

m1nniedriver · 05/11/2015 11:49

swing I agree all children should be treated the same, in as much as humanly possible! In situations like this it's impossible to treat all kids exactly the same. Considering all children might be a better turn of phrase. No one knows how children will react when a NRP has another child. All you can do is your best, same as if you all lived under 1 roof.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/11/2015 15:25

Loopy says; Stop giving him headspace, accept you have no control over the situation and just be there to pick up the pieces for your children.

Loopy has said in one sentence what the rest of us have taken 136 posts to say.

TheBitchOfDestiny · 05/11/2015 16:02

Also, sometimes men who were bad fathers first time around are much better the second time. Sometimes it's to do with maturity, sometimes it's because they're in a happier relationship

i really, really agree with this, my exH was a shit dad when we were together, really shit. but i do think it was to do with immaturity and also not really being happy with me. but in the last few years he has really stepped up and is now in a relationship they are clearly perfect for eachother and he is also dad to 2 more. he treats all the kids brilliantly and him and his dw even love my "new" children

my dh (and dad to my 2 youngest) says he is far happier being a father this time round as its with someone that he is happier with and loves more. he admits he wasn't the best dad first time round but he wasn't ready the first time, his first child wasn't planned and they were young

Original poster
CandyCrush77 · 05/11/2015 16:24

Gosh, I feel so much better now knowing that my ex will be a much better father the second time around, possibly because he loves this new person more. Really helpful to know that. You should be a good parent regardless of how much you love your partner and what type of relationship you are in. Not good enough to be a shit dad the first time around if you make it up the second time. That first child is still damaged and affected by it isn't it? My DH wasn't that happy in his first marriage but was/is still an amazingly good father. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 11 years but still managed to be a good mother. Honestly, the self serving rubbish on this thread is really too much. Clearly a lot of step-parents trying to justify their own actions.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyCrush77 · 05/11/2015 16:28

And yes, waiting in a relationship does not guarantee a successful outcome but it at least allows you to get to know someone better so you make a more informed choice. And my comment about the g/f waiting was to allow more time for the kids to get to know her rather than steaming ahead with no thought to how they will deal with it. As far as I can tell she has not taken them into account at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyCrush77 · 05/11/2015 16:30

And I didn't make the decision to have children ALONE. We, as in my ex and I, made it together and we had no other kids at the time. Very differnet from the current situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyCrush77 · 05/11/2015 16:39

And if I had steamed ahead and got pregnant 6 months after meeting DH then I would have felt very concerned about the impact on his two DCs and my DSs, as would he. His DCs in particular took a long long time to get used to sharing him with me and my DSs and I can only imagine the impact a baby would have had on that. DSS, who is very close to his dad, struggled in particular. Seeing it through their eyes, I can see that they would have felt rejected, like they had lost their dad. After 4 years of getting to know each other, we are in a very different situation and it's only now that we think everyone IS ready for that step. So how people think it's all fine/not an issue is beyond me. Or he is allowed to behave differently because he's the dad?

OP posts:
scatterthenuns · 05/11/2015 16:43

Candy - Can you answer me this? Do you want this woman to have an abortion?

Kim82 · 05/11/2015 16:48

A new sibling brought into the family, whether via the mum or the dad is very rarely seen as a bad thing by children. It is mainly adults who see babies as a massive, relationship changing upheaval. I do honestly think you are worrying about something which, dealt with maturely and without negativity from the adults surrounding them, your children will no doubt be absolutely fine with and take in their stride.

Stop giving the issue the headspace it really doesn't deserve and channel that energy into something more productive.

swingofthings · 05/11/2015 16:49

I really don't want to be rude, but you are constantly contradicting yourself.
You say that waiting is better because you get to know that person better, but can't see that that wasn't the case at all in your own circumstances as clearly, however long it took for you and ex to decide to have children, you say he is a crap father. So how much longer still should you have waited?

You also say that it took a long time for your DC to adjust to sharing with your DS. Well going by your advice, why didn't you wait even longer to move in with your DH so that his children had even more time to get used to sharing?

I personally don't believe for a second that your issue is about that, I do agree with a previous post that is it anger that he took away from you being able to announce you were pregnant first.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/11/2015 17:30

But you don't really know that this woman isn't concerned about your children, do you? You're simply assuming she isn't by her very act of getting pregnant. If the pregnancy was accidental, of course forethought wouldn't enter into it, but if she/they planned the pregnancy you don't know that she didn't think 'Oh this will be lovely for X and X, a new sibling'. You are assuming she didn't because she didn't consult you.

kinkytoes · 05/11/2015 17:32

OMG you are bitter beyond belief. Are you sure your current relationship is making you happy?

TheBitchOfDestiny · 05/11/2015 17:35

oof think my last post hit a raw nerve

TheBitchOfDestiny · 05/11/2015 17:37

and yeah what kinytoes said

I actually do feel sorry for op, as I think there are definitely unresolved feelings for her ex, that cant be easy

m1nniedriver · 05/11/2015 17:53

What makes you ssy that bitch Hmm. It's very very obvious that there is more to this than concern for your DC! Anyone can see that from your posts. The only person your hurting us yourself and ultimately thyour DC. Do you really think they won't pick up on your negativity? Yo be brutally honest, not because I'm a SM but because I do think this, those children are more at risk of being hurt emotionally by you than this SM at the minute. You should sort that out 1st!

TheBitchOfDestiny · 05/11/2015 18:05

yep totally agree minnie :(