Ex is having a baby

[CandyCrush77]

Just found out that my ex DH is having a baby with his girlfriend who he has known for less than a year. My ex and I got split up in 2011 after he had an affair and left us after behaving horribly. He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and completely selfish throughout the break-up. I have two DSs, 7 and 5, who live with me full time and see him at weekends but only very occasionally stay over with him. He was never an involved father so they never want to stay over and I never push it. I met someone shortly after we split up and we have now been together 4 years, married for 1. For some reason I am totally shocked by the news that my ex is having a baby. mainly because he is not a great dad to his two existing children and I fear that they will get even less of his time and attention plus there could well be financial consequences (can he pay less maintenance if he has a 3rd baby?) He is also not a "natural" dad and when we had kids he just couldn't cope with the mess/boredom/lack of free time having kids meant, so I wonder how long it will last with this woman, especially given that he is a total narcissist. Also, what is this woman thinking? She has known him less than a year and knows he has two young children. Apparently the pregnancy wasn't planned and he isn't happy about it. Just seem really irresponsible on both their parts. He does next to nothing for the kids he does have so seems so odd to have another. In addition, DH and I have been thinking for a long time that we would like to have a child but kept putting it off, wanting it to be right for all the existing children (DH also has 2 kids, aged 12 and 10). I now feel I can't have a baby as it would be too much for my DSs to cope with as they would have two half siblings in one year! Also, what does this mean for them? Do they have to have a relationship with this child? They barely know this woman as she has been around for such a short time. She moved him with him a month ago apparently. I worry so much that they boys will feel rejected by their father as she has moved into his house and it will now become their child's home. It's a 5 bed house and my ex hasn't even bothered to give them a bedroom. I also have no idea what my ex is going to tell them about the new baby. They don't know yet and I only found out through a mutual friend so no idea if/when he is planning on telling me. He thrives on NOT telling me things so I expect it will be when she is about 9 months pregnant. What do I tell my children and how do I make it easier for them? I feel so much pain that this horrible person can somehow keep wrecking our lives and hurting my children.

WhoGives, I accept all that and will do exactly that (because what else can I do anyway??) but in terms of me thinking she is a harmless third party in all of this and wishing her well, it's not going to happen!!!

Obvs our words of wisdom (yes wisdom) about your misplaced anger and resentment towards the gf are falling on deaf ears.

So I'll say this: In ALL situations young children (as yours are) base their feelings at least 90% of the time on their parent's reactions to a given situation. If, and I say IF, your children have a negative reaction to their coming sibling then you have only yourself to blame. YOU are their main carer and the main person they will look to for guidance in any situation. If you express negativity towards the coming baby OR the baby's mother, they will pick up on this and will be confused and possibly resentful towards the child. And while that may serve your ends, it certainly won't be healthy for them.

Well said Across

I am also leaving this thread as it is just going round in circles and each time you post op, it is less and less rational. Get a grip, calm down, and stop obsessing about her

Also, had I got "fallen pregnant" (again, use of condoms usually prevents this)

Not always though. That is the point you seem to be missing.

candy How on earth has a situation arisen in which your DCs will be "blindsided and confused" by the possibility that their dad will have another baby?

Kids are, on the whole, incredibly accepting and resilient. Your DH left the marriage when they were very young so their memories are of the three of you and you say you were careful when you introduced your DH to them. It seems an extreme reaction to anticipate from relative young DCs - they certainly don't know that it's "not the done thing" for a couple to have a baby so soon into a relationship, for instance.

Where does their emotional fragility stem from? Your assertion that they will be seriously affected by this indicates a level of concern beyond that of a "worried mum".
Are your DCs cared for by any other adults? Could a grandparent be inadvertantly undermining their security in some way?

It may be worth a chat to the school/ preschool to see if they could access some play therapy or similar for your DCs to allow them to express themselves freely, which hopefully will also help them develop the resilience they need to accept the various changes they will face in life.

Your whole OP was about her get a grip!

Read my OP! I mention her a couple of times! It is very clearly NOT all about her! It has somehow become ALL about her because the women on this thread are obviously extremely defensive about this woman, possibly as they see in her some of their own behaviour. I am not obsessing about her at all. I think she is stupid and selfish but she is occupying about half a per cent of my head space.

So I'll say this: In ALL situations young children (as yours are) base their feelings at least 90% of the time on their parent's reactions to a given situation. If, and I say IF, your children have a negative reaction to their coming sibling then you have only yourself to blame. YOU are their main carer and the main person they will look to for guidance in any situation. If you express negativity towards the coming baby OR the baby's mother, they will pick up on this and will be confused and possibly resentful towards the child. And while that may serve your ends, it certainly won't be healthy for them.

How very easy for you to shift ALL the blame on me when the main premise of this thread is CONCERN for my DSs and what to tell them so that I support them. My ex is off scott free of course because I am the main carer I must somehow make all of this all right. Isn't that up to my ex to do that or at least assume a teeny bit of responsibility? The whole purpose of this thread IS to prepare myself so that I can give the right response to them (only a few posts back I asked for advice on this but posters got obsessed, yet again, with my views of the GF). By the way, you talk absolute crap. My DSs could feel negatively about this regardless of my feelings about it. It's not really going to affect me but it IS going to affect them massively isn't it. My sons have their own opinions and views on things, regardless of mine, trust me. I may say something is great and they may disgaree and vice versa. What qualifications do you have to assert ALL situations young children (as yours are) base their feelings at least 90% of the time on their parent's reactions to a given situation. Complete rubbish. As I made abudently clear, I have no intention of saying anythign negative or colouring their views with my own but they may hold those views themselves. Why do you assume they will be delighted? Based on what? And how does it serve my ends if they are upset? How? If I sound "hysterical" then it's becasue I am now defending myself against accusations that I would wilfully hurt my children. Do you wilfully hurt your children acrossthepond?

Pretty, are you honestly saying that they are not allowed to be affected by this and they have to be ok with this otherwise they are emotionally fragile? An adult parent might struggle to adjust to a new baby but a 7 year old and a 5 year old just have to get on with it, otherwise they are emotionally vulnerable? Utter rubbish, again! The situation has arisen because i) their dad has been a crap/absent/negligent father which means neither have a very strong relationship with him and ii) this woman just hasn't been around long enough or featured in their lives for them to see her in that way or to know what this is a possibility. That is my view. DH's views and the view of several close friends. Nothing to do with them being emotionally fragile. They are both resilient, bright, funny boys who are doing well at school. That does not mean they cannot be affected by the birth of a half sibling FFS. And yes, they are cared for by a nanny. Are you saying our nanny is undermining their confidence? really? And I was accused of making assumptions . . .

This is getting ridiculous. OP have you not realised that every single poster on this thread has said you are overreacting? Surely that should tell you something. You have turned something pretty run of the mill into a huge issue when there is absolutely no need. Children are incredibly adaptable, they take most things at face value - especially at the age your Ds' are - it's unlikely they will be anywhere near as bothered by this news as you are.

And on that note, after going round and round in circles I'm going to leave the thread as it is the same argument being rehashed every 6 or 7 posts...

And if they are not that close to their dad or his girlfriend I doubt very much they will particularly care about a baby which they won't live with and rarely see...

But candy - there's a great deal of difference between your DCs reacting negatively in anticipation of a situation they haven't experienced and actually feeling pushed out once the baby arrives.

You seem certain that they will react negatively to "finding out", even though they have no idea what that means for them.

My ex is off scott free of course because I am the main carer I must somehow make all of this all right.

Yes, that's right you must. Because it is about the children. Not about you or your ex. Should you let your children suffer because their father is an arse? Would it serve your children well?

Isn't that up to my ex to do that or at least assume a teeny bit of responsibility?

Of course it is, but if he will not, you must

The whole purpose of this thread IS to prepare myself so that I can give the right response to them (only a few posts back I asked for advice on this but posters got obsessed, yet again, with my views of the GF).

You have been given advice, which you are ignoring or refuting with your opinions of the gf as the reason the advice is rubbish

By the way, you talk absolute crap. My DSs could feel negatively about this regardless of my feelings about it. It's not really going to affect me but it IS going to affect them massively isn't it. My sons have their own opinions and views on things, regardless of mine, trust me. I may say something is great and they may disgaree and vice versa……..As I made abudently clear, I have no intention of saying anythign negative or colouring their views with my own but they may hold those views themselves. Why do you assume they will be delighted? Based on what?

You're right, to start with they will have their own opinion. But if you are positive and upbeat about a coming sibling, it's likely they will feel better about it or at least accepting of it if they aren't all that enthusiastic. But do you really think they'll be positive or even ambivalent about something their if own mother acts as if it's a disaster? You say you have 'no intention' of saying anything negative, but actions and looks often speak much louder than words.

What qualifications do you have to assert ALL situations young children (as yours are) base their feelings at least 90% of the time on their parent's reactions to a given situation. Complete rubbish.

Qualifications? Well, I'd say I'm at least as qualified as you are.

And how does it serve my ends if they are upset? How? If I sound "hysterical" then it's becasue I am now defending myself against accusations that I would wilfully hurt my children. Do you wilfully hurt your children acrossthepond?

Serve your ends? I think it'd serve your ends very well if your children 'turned' on their father, his gf, and their coming sibling. It would be justice in your eyes for the terrible sins they've committed against you. And of course I would never willfully hurt my children. I hope that you'll continue to be able to say the same

You go ahead and do what you want. I'll save my breath to cool my porridge.

Yes I'm afraid this is looking to be a lost cause. Looking at OP's other threads all is not rosy in her world which may be contributing to all of this.

OP wish you all the best and I hope your children are happy to hear the news about their new baby brother or sister so that you can stop fretting.

Acrossythepond, please do save your breath rather than spewing your venom here. You say you are "as qualified as me" to comment but I am not making statements or professing to know about ALL children, just my own. I would never assume to know what ALL children would feel or behave. I won't even dignify the final paragraph with a response other than saying you know fuck all.

Just read you post again acrossthepond. Have it give it to you, you are a total bitch.

Why thank you! For what are the characteristics of a bitch (female dog)? She's beautiful, loving, loyal, and fiercely protective of her young. Yep, that's me!

With that, I take my bow and exit the stage. This thread is now hidden.

You need help love.

I think you hit the nail on the head a few posts ago OP when you said you couldn't tell your children 'Daddy had an affair and didn't want Mummy anymore'.

He left you and that is the most awful pain. He didn't want you any more and that hurts.

It hurts a bit less now he's 'proved' what a shit Dad and a round feckless person he is but at the time he left, you didn't think that and would have given anything to have him stay but he wouldn't.

And now he's having a baby with someone else and is staying with her. That must hurt so much. It doesn't matter that you don't love him anymore and are happy with your DH now, that still hurts.

It's easier to say she must've trapped him or is 'desperate'. Must be 'desperate' to be with the man that you were desperate to not have leave you?.

It's OK to feel hurt. It's ok to wonder why he's standing by her after a short time but didn't stand by you when you deserved more. Even if other people will say it's not normal to feel like shit about it and it's none of your business and you need to move on (and you have, doesn't mean that this won't feel like a kick in the gut!).

You don't need your DH and all your friends or MN to agree how shocking they both are and what a terrible idea it is etc etc.

It's ok to feel hurt. Put a bright and breezy smile on when you talk to your kids - they will take their lead from you.

Thank you laughing, that helps, it really does. I think because I don't love him or want him anymore meant that Ivshouldn't or couldn't be hurt about and certainly the rest of the posts on this thread have said I am not allowed to be upset or hurt by it. Over the last day I have acknowledged in my head that it does hurt but I just have to get on with it and detach myself. I will of course say/do the right things by my children which, as suggest, is to be bright and breezy and just be there for them. The rest I cannot control. I hope I am wrong and the baby does not result in him seeing them less or them feeling pushed out but, again, I can't control this.

That's not true, the rest of the post don't say you can't feel hurt, most have just said concentrate on what you can control. But play the victim if it helps.

OP I think if you'd have started the thread and been really honest you'd have had really different responses. 'My ex left me and I'm happy now but he's having a baby and it feels like a kick in the teeth and I know it shouldn't and it's none of my business but it hurts and I'm also worried my kids will be affected'. You'd have had loads of people able to relate and understand.

I opened the thread thinking it would be about that but you went about it the wrong way and were making lots of judgements and saying some not very nice things (because you're hurt and a bit jealous - because you want a baby too) and when people pointed stuff out you became aggressive because you thought that was defending yourself. Then it all deteriorated because you felt under attack but you wouldn't back down and admit that it isn't all about the children and that you worrying about them being 'blindsided and confused' is because that's how you feel.

It's hard to admit that. Especially when you've been fighting for pages and pages that it's not about that.

Maybe take a break for a bit and look at the thread again when it's sunk in a bit and isn't so raw. There IS some really good advice in between the bunfight.

Surely to goodness it's obvious it's hurtful isn't it? And I am very happy to admit it. I have said throughout that I was upset about the way my ex treated me and have accused of being bitter. And I didn't open the thread with this because it's not the main issue and there is nothing that can be done about the way I feel about it. I opened the thread to get advice about how to address this with my kids and have tried to get the thread back on track several times. I have made clear that whatever I feel about it I am will do what is right by my kids but, again, attempts have been made throughout to accuse ME of damaging them when my primary purpose for being on here was to HELP them. My opinion of the g/f hasn't changed. I am entitled to my opinion. I have now spoken to my ex about this after texting him to say that I know and asking when he plans to tell the children. He called me and said it wasn't planned and it wasn't his decision to keep the baby but given that his g/f does there is nothing he can do. He himself said it was regrettable for the boys and that he wished it had been done differently, very surprising coming from him. He also expressed the view that he hoped I would not have a baby as it would be upsetting for boys son soon after another sibling. And, god forbid, I didn't mind him expressing a view! I can disregard it but he is entitled to a view as the parent of my two sons whose lives a new baby will impact, the same way that I am entitled to a view on him having a baby. He also said that nothing will come between him and the boys. So, I feel reassured to an extent but we will have to wait and see how he manages in practice. She is due early Feb so that boys will be told soon. I really hope they are ok with it.

Well hopefully he will do one and neglect his baby then. That would suit you would it? God he sounds like an absolute SHIT being so apologetic about his child. I hope his girlfriend finds out his true feelings and chucks him out tbh, and claims every penny she can from him but that would give you something else to moan about her for as if you're claiming with the csa/cms and she does too, then your maintenance will go down.
I bet you feel brilliant now you know he doesn't want the baby. Congratulations.

You sound as bad as each other, poor kids, all three of them.

I read that differently, mascara. It is possible that this dad is scared of losing contact with his DCs completely unless he appeases the OP. I'm not suggesting the OP would do that but many dads are motivated by that fear, even when it's irrational, which results in some frankly bonkers behaviour at times.

The OP said in her OP that she no longer encourages the DCs to have O/N contact, and that may be enough to lead him to beleive that she would be prepared to discourage what little contact he does have if he doesn't reassure her that their DCs will remain his priority.

I think that sounds quite a constructive conversation you've had with your ex. Which, given how painful it is for you, you should be really proud and of. I hope this thread has helped you vent some of your more angry feelings and the time you've had to get used to the news has helped.

It's fine for you to talk through with him how the news will affect your DC, and if you want to discuss the timing of your own baby that's fine too. Though don't lose sight of the fact that it is your decision, and your DH's. It's possible that your DC will be quite excited about the new baby but when it arrives may feel it's all a bit distant from them as they don't share a mother and won't be spending that much time together. A new child of yours might actually be a much closer sibling for them.