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Original poster

Ex is having a baby

262 replies

CandyCrush77 · 02/11/2015 13:15

Just found out that my ex DH is having a baby with his girlfriend who he has known for less than a year. My ex and I got split up in 2011 after he had an affair and left us after behaving horribly. He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and completely selfish throughout the break-up. I have two DSs, 7 and 5, who live with me full time and see him at weekends but only very occasionally stay over with him. He was never an involved father so they never want to stay over and I never push it. I met someone shortly after we split up and we have now been together 4 years, married for 1. For some reason I am totally shocked by the news that my ex is having a baby. mainly because he is not a great dad to his two existing children and I fear that they will get even less of his time and attention plus there could well be financial consequences (can he pay less maintenance if he has a 3rd baby?) He is also not a "natural" dad and when we had kids he just couldn't cope with the mess/boredom/lack of free time having kids meant, so I wonder how long it will last with this woman, especially given that he is a total narcissist. Also, what is this woman thinking? She has known him less than a year and knows he has two young children. Apparently the pregnancy wasn't planned and he isn't happy about it. Just seem really irresponsible on both their parts. He does next to nothing for the kids he does have so seems so odd to have another. In addition, DH and I have been thinking for a long time that we would like to have a child but kept putting it off, wanting it to be right for all the existing children (DH also has 2 kids, aged 12 and 10). I now feel I can't have a baby as it would be too much for my DSs to cope with as they would have two half siblings in one year! Also, what does this mean for them? Do they have to have a relationship with this child? They barely know this woman as she has been around for such a short time. She moved him with him a month ago apparently. I worry so much that they boys will feel rejected by their father as she has moved into his house and it will now become their child's home. It's a 5 bed house and my ex hasn't even bothered to give them a bedroom. I also have no idea what my ex is going to tell them about the new baby. They don't know yet and I only found out through a mutual friend so no idea if/when he is planning on telling me. He thrives on NOT telling me things so I expect it will be when she is about 9 months pregnant. What do I tell my children and how do I make it easier for them? I feel so much pain that this horrible person can somehow keep wrecking our lives and hurting my children.

OP posts:
MascaraAndConverse89 · 08/11/2015 20:34

Pretty I agree, which makes him weak. She doesn't rule him, and what he has said to her is absolutely appalling whether he said it because he means it or because it's what she wants to hear. He shouldn't be apologetic about his baby, especially to his ex! She says he's been a crap father to her children, but yet she's quite happy for him to say that shit about his unborn child.
I can see him again and again putting his baby, which will grow in to a child, at the bottom of the pile so that he doesn't piss Candy off and so he doesn't have to worry about her stopping contact.

WhoGivesAFlying · 08/11/2015 20:46

I just think these kids are all going to grow up with some sort of resentment, be that from OP about this new baby (poor little thing) or her own dc's feeling her resentment, the dad, or the new mum due to all this pre convened crap.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 08/11/2015 20:48

I wouldn't blame the new mum for feeling resentful at the OP and her delightful ex. She'd be well shot of both of them tbh.

WhoGivesAFlying · 08/11/2015 21:17

Totally agree mascara. That poor baby will be better off without the lot of them. And I'm saying this as a SM who see the importance of sibling relationship.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 08/11/2015 21:30

Aye, me too. I just can't believe he's actually said that. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm over reacting about it. I just hope the baby's mum takes him/her out of such a horrible toxic situation. Poor kids won't know each other but that won't be the new mum's fault.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 08/11/2015 21:37

Poor little thing hasn't even been born and the OP already resents him/her, and their "dad" is sorry for their existence and is regretful about it. God some people are an absolute disgrace.

Original poster
CandyCrush77 · 10/11/2015 18:20

Just to respond to the latest accusations: I have never, and would never, stop or threaten to stop, contact. I can't anyway! Yes, I don't encourage overnight visits as DSs don't want to go and I am glad I didn't as I think the impact on them will be less. In terms of how my ex feels about it and why he said what he did, well who knows. He is a liar and I don't particularly believe anything he says. Only time will tell whether he is able to maintain a relationship with DSs. However, he IS entitled to a view and opinion about the pregnancy. The g/f is NOT the only person whose opinion counts FFS! His opinion counts as both the father and the father of two other DCs. If, as he said, he it wasn't his choice, then he is allowed to have reservations. Having reservations does NOT mean he doesn't want the child and I'm sure he'll feel differently once the baby arrives, regardless of anything he feels now. Can I ask though, why is the g/f allowed to feel resentful of me and my ex but we can't express any feelings or views about her? For what it's worth, the few other people I have told about this in RL said immediately that it looks deliberate and I have to agree. I think she wanted a baby and went ahead. In any event, it doesn't matter as to why. The DSs will have a half sibling in early February.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 10/11/2015 18:32

Why are you still stewing on her motives and whether it was deliberate or not, what does it matter? It's way past that now - let.it.go

Original poster
CandyCrush77 · 10/11/2015 18:33

Mascara, you do talk rubbish. As I said, I have never threatened to stop access. He sees them whenver he wants. If I did stop access he could get a court order pretty quickly. This just isn't an issue here. The whole post is also about my worries that he will stop seeing them, not the opposite.

Thanks Purpleroses. Do you have any experience of how the half sibling relationship would be in this context? You say they won't have much contact as my DSs live with me and only see my ex one day at the weekend and they don't always go to this place. So they will see him/her for a few hours a week maximum. I guess the age gap (6 and 8 years nearly) also means they may not be that close, not as children anyway. What about birthday parties though? Would this child be expected to come to my DSs and vice versa? Just very weird to see how it will pan out. I think I may talk to a child psychologist as I really want guidance as to best approach this.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyCrush77 · 10/11/2015 18:34

I am not still stewing - just defending myself in response to the latest round of attacks.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyCrush77 · 10/11/2015 18:38

When I say that DSs don't always go to my ex's, I mean that he often picks them up on a Sunday, takes them to swimming then to the park then back to me, so they don't always go to his place. Assuming he keeps to this pattern, they wouldn't see the baby every week. I do wonder though if he will keep seeing them as much. He works all week (as do I), plus often works Saturdays, then takes the boys on Sunday. I wonder if the g/f is going to be happy for him to disappear out every Sunday with the DSs leaving her at home with the baby. How is this going to work?

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 10/11/2015 18:39

It's been days, do you really care enough about what randomers on the Internet think of you to come back and 'defend' yourself.

Very telling that you refer go your ex and you as 'we', like you're still a unit.

It's the gf versus you two.

I really, really think you need help getting over him. This makes for tragic reading.

Does your poor dp know you're still obsessed with your ex?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 10/11/2015 18:42

candy That's a good question.

Ideally, your DCs would become an integral part of their dads family, just like they are yours - he commits to EOW or even 50:50 and provides them with what they need as members of his family.
But, if he's not able or willing to do that, then you might struggle to create a routine.

Have you considered mediation with your ex to talk to him about this? It might be more practical a step than a child psychologist; see if you can get a routine in place that suits everyone involved?

m1nniedriver · 10/11/2015 18:53

Jesus, the best thing this poor woman could do would be to take her baby and GTF as far away as possible from you and your exShock

Original poster
CandyCrush77 · 10/11/2015 19:02

Yes, i do WalterMitty, because what made it a million times harder to deal with this was the personal attacks on me on this website. A week in, I am ok with the news but still completely shocked at the attacks I received. As I said, it's quite telling that these posters take the polar opposite approach of everyone in RL who knows about this, some of whom are mutual friends and to whom I have not given my views. Poor woman? What about my poor children? You've got the wrong focus I'm afraid. This woman is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her actions.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 10/11/2015 19:09

She's not doing anything to your children, love.

I can only imagine that the people in your RL pander to your dramatics for an easy life.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 10/11/2015 19:21

what made it a million times harder to deal with this was the personal attacks on me on this website

So rather than focus on the negative, how about you ignore that and focus on those of us who are trying to help, but are being repeatedly ignored?
I'm starting to think I'm wasting my time - the only posts you seem to be reading are the ones which give you the chance to defend yourself Confused

MascaraAndConverse89 · 10/11/2015 19:41

Poor woman? What about my poor children? You've got the wrong focus I'm afraid. This woman is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her actions

"Take responsility for her actions"? What, for falling pregnant?? Hmm You make it sound like she's done something majorly wrong! She hasn't. And I'm sure she will take her responsibility as a mother very seriously :)

Poor woman, poor baby and poor your children.

I really do hope she chucks him out on his arse. That would be a happy ending because then the baby wouldn't have to grow up feeling your wrath.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 10/11/2015 19:42

The baby and the mother

Costacoffeeplease · 10/11/2015 19:45

I can only imagine that the people in your RL pander to your dramatics for an easy life.

That thought has crossed my mind too

WhoGivesAFlying · 10/11/2015 19:48

Everyone in RL has to deal with you face to face, I'm sure it's harder to tell someone the truth (or be completely blunt about it) in RL. Not the case here.

guess the age gap (6 and 8 years nearly) also means they may not be that close,

you sound pleased this may be the case. My dsc have a larger ar gap and they adore my son, they refer to him as thier brother (not half). As for birthdays, I wouldn't expect my ds to go to his siblings house but, we would do our own celebrations for them anyway so ds would be at that.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 10/11/2015 19:50

She didn't fall pregnant on her own. But yet it's her that needs to take responsibility for her actions. It's easy to focus on her though because you've got no emotional history with her and no children with her.
Your ex though, he's this big victim who doesn't want the baby, was tricked and is so so sorry that he's having a baby with her. (Boo hoo. Get a grip silly man) And you're happy for him to say that about one of his children. What if he said that about one of your children?

WhoGivesAFlying · 10/11/2015 19:50

Cross posted costa, I had the same thought

purpledasies · 10/11/2015 23:23

Yes, my own DC have a half brother via their dad. They do stay there overnights, so see a bit more of him than maybe yours will but the age gap is 8/12 years, so they're well aware that he's not a sibling in the same way that they are to each other. DD will refer to him as her baby brother but I think mainly because she likes to boast about having lots of siblings (she has 4 step siblings too)

Ex's DW has been very possessive over her child - my DC haven't been allowed to hold him when he was small and still aren't allowed to look after him at all - things I'm aware would be quite different if he was mine, which is partly why I think you shouldn't hold back on having a baby yourself if you want one.

They sometimes complain that he's noisy and demanding, but do also find him cute and I'm sure are learning a bit about small children.

I remember feeling so upset about it at first, and unlike your situation, it wasn't even unexpected, so can well understand how it's hard to get your head round it when it's a shock. But 4 years on it honestly isnt something that I think much about. I have my life which I'm happy with. My kids are happy, and just accept the relationship with their half brother for what it is. Not super close, but not a bad thing.

purpledasies · 10/11/2015 23:31

Oh, and on birthdays- I think my DC have been invited round to their dad's when he's been having a small gathering of friends to celebrate his DS's birthday, but I assume that will stop when he's old enough to be having parties with his friends rather than family.

But it's never crossed my mind to include a toddler who hardly knows me in any birthday celebrations for my DC. My ex can do a separate little family thing for them if he wants to include his new child, but I don't think he's ever bothered