Ex is having a baby

[CandyCrush77]

Just found out that my ex DH is having a baby with his girlfriend who he has known for less than a year. My ex and I got split up in 2011 after he had an affair and left us after behaving horribly. He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and completely selfish throughout the break-up. I have two DSs, 7 and 5, who live with me full time and see him at weekends but only very occasionally stay over with him. He was never an involved father so they never want to stay over and I never push it. I met someone shortly after we split up and we have now been together 4 years, married for 1. For some reason I am totally shocked by the news that my ex is having a baby. mainly because he is not a great dad to his two existing children and I fear that they will get even less of his time and attention plus there could well be financial consequences (can he pay less maintenance if he has a 3rd baby?) He is also not a "natural" dad and when we had kids he just couldn't cope with the mess/boredom/lack of free time having kids meant, so I wonder how long it will last with this woman, especially given that he is a total narcissist. Also, what is this woman thinking? She has known him less than a year and knows he has two young children. Apparently the pregnancy wasn't planned and he isn't happy about it. Just seem really irresponsible on both their parts. He does next to nothing for the kids he does have so seems so odd to have another. In addition, DH and I have been thinking for a long time that we would like to have a child but kept putting it off, wanting it to be right for all the existing children (DH also has 2 kids, aged 12 and 10). I now feel I can't have a baby as it would be too much for my DSs to cope with as they would have two half siblings in one year! Also, what does this mean for them? Do they have to have a relationship with this child? They barely know this woman as she has been around for such a short time. She moved him with him a month ago apparently. I worry so much that they boys will feel rejected by their father as she has moved into his house and it will now become their child's home. It's a 5 bed house and my ex hasn't even bothered to give them a bedroom. I also have no idea what my ex is going to tell them about the new baby. They don't know yet and I only found out through a mutual friend so no idea if/when he is planning on telling me. He thrives on NOT telling me things so I expect it will be when she is about 9 months pregnant. What do I tell my children and how do I make it easier for them? I feel so much pain that this horrible person can somehow keep wrecking our lives and hurting my children.

Fine, of course, I am being unreasonable. I will butt out. Think I will goout tonight, have a few drinks and try to pull some married men, then have an "accident" and a couple more kids. No need to act responsiblity or give a shit about whose lives that may impact or ruin. No need at all. From now on I will go whichever way the wind takes me. Clearly no point trying to do the right thing as it gets out nowhere at all. Best to be selfish.

you are wasting a lot of energy on something you can't change. What they do is up to them. It may go tits up, it may work for the best. You don't have any influence over that. Like I said, (and most others) all you can do is be there for your DC... Let them get on with it and put your emerge else where in YOUR life.

*energy

I'm sorry your feeling like this. Perhaps you would get on better posting about the 'irresponsible heartless new SM' who had the cheek to want a child on another board rather than the SP board?

Clearly no point trying to do the right thing as it gets out nowhere at all. Best to be selfish.

Literally no idea what you're on about now - you have a new partner, your children, how are you 'nowhere at all'?

This new baby has no impact on you, and whether you have another child, none at all

And why would you need to go out and pull married men if you've got a new partner?

costa is absolutely right OP. I can understand why you are upset, I imagine we would all feel similar concern for our DC if their father had another child, bad parent or not, but that is as far as it goes.

It's absolutely none of your business, and no the GF doesn't need to consider your DC as hard as thst is for you. it is yours and ex DH'S job to integrate the families so that they have a good relationship with their sibling. He needs to ensure he does not favour the new baby over them.

You cannot go in there all guns blazing accusing this woman of getting pregnant on purpose etc, you just can't. regardless of how it came about, she is pregnant and has every right to be. As hard as it is for you,this is unlikely to change so you need to get a grip and be ready to reassure your DC once they know about it too.

You sound irrationally angry about this tbh, your last post especially. Have you anyone in RL you can talk to about how you feel?

Yes, and most my friends understand exactly how I feel, thank goodness. I find it strange how the whole theme of this section is usually that step-parents must prioritise DCs over their own want/needs at all costs (how many times have I read, "when you met him he had kids, they come first etc) yet in this case it's all about this woman's "rights".

And I, er, was obviously joking when I said I was going to go out and pull married men, trying to make the point that if we adopted that approach then everyone is free to procreate whenever the urge takes them, regardless of the circumstances. I think when you come into a delicate situaiton like this with young children involved then you need to act more responsibly. It's just not about her exercising her right to get knocked him. Her partner, whose live she is presumably sharing, is alreaady a dad and those children must be taken into account. As far as I can tell, noone is thinking about them in this and they deserve SOME consideration from this person and a lot of consideration from their father, given his appallign track record and lack of involvement to date.

How is she not taking them into account? You said earlier, the pregnancy wasn't planned, therefore, neither of them intended for her to conceive yet, if at all

You still need to calm down and take a deep breath and a step back

And maybe the reason I feel upset is that I know that my ex is not capable of integrating the two families or making sure my DSs are not left out. He can't manage one family so the idea that he will become superdad and be working hard to make sure the children are ok is laughable. Oh and I can promise that I do not have any feelings for my ex, other than repulsion and now shock that he can behave in such an irresponsible way.

I really don't get why your so angry at his GF? Do you think she should ask your permission to continue with the pregnancy? ypu think her life should revolve around you and your children? Perhaps she is quite happy about the pregnancy albeit a surprise and is looking forward to giving your children a little brother or sister?

As a SM and a mum I don't believe any one persons happiness overrides anyone else's in a home. All party's need to be happy to make it work

absolutely none of your business, i believe this is called.

MinnieDriver, you really are imbuing this person with emotions I don't think she has. She barely knows my children so I think the last thing on her mind is that she is looking forward to giving them a brother or sister. I am sure she is happy with the news and very happy with the 5 bed house she has just moved herself into where my DSs don't even have a bedroom. I never said I expect her to ask me but just, perhaps, they could have got to know each other a bit more, built a stable relationship first, the way most people try to before deciding to have kids, and even more important here given what is at stakes and whose lives are impacted. It's not all necessarily positive. There is a big risk that my ex will see by DSs less, that he will be less involved. There may be nothign I can do about it but that does not make it all fine. It's not.

You said the children rarely see him and never stay over, why would they have a room there? You said she fell pregnant unexpectedly? How can she plan an unexpected pregnancy? You seem more angry with her than your Ex, it's really weird. Why can't you just accept it and hope it doesn't impact on your kids. If he that shit a dad to them then they probably won't be that bothered .

Have you thought about posting this on the lone parent board? You might get more helpful/sympathetic advice there. What were you hoping to hear from SPs? Surely You need advise from divorced/seoerated parents who have been in your position, not the people you feel have put you there

Minnie, perhaps it's because they don't have a room, toys etc there they don't want to stay over? Perhaps he hasn't made any effort to make it feel like home to them? All of the other divorced dads I know have a room for their kids no matter how infrequently they visit. Why are you saying that are not entitled to a room in their dad's house??? I am saying she should have taken precautions to wait. It's not that hard! I am posting here because I am not a lone parent and this is an issue about step families/my kids getting a half sibling which is usually very focussed on the well being of the children, not a woman's right to have a baby (I can't really call her a step-parent as she's not).

I think the advice the OP has been given is spot on....its just not what she wants to hear.

OP you really need to let it go. No one can turn back time so best just try and go forward with what's happened. All this "they should of done this, they could have done that" is pointless now but I fear this is falling on deaf ears.

swing I have to say that sounds pretty heartbreaking in your situation at the time. Another person may have had a hard time moving on, but you did.
Thanks Banana. I have a wonderful partner who has become my husband and I know that I am massively fortunate from that perspective. I did feel angry and envious for some time, but being grateful for what i have took over in time.

Candy, you are getting way too emotionally involved in what really is nothing to do with you. You ex is entitled to do what he wants with his new life and his new partner even more so. Do you really think she should decide when to become a mum herself based on the fact that you think doing so is going to affect your children? What if she thinks that you shouldn't have another child now for some time because it won't be fair for her baby to share your children with another baby? Will you care and therefore wait a few more years despite your intentions?

If it comes to the point that he is even less a father to your children, then fair enough, criticize him, but at the moment, all you are doing is expressing displaced anger over what is only assumptions. It's a waste of energy. You are doing more damage to your children by being so angry towards their dad than he is doing by having another child.

Oh and that made me think, my dad met a woman 12 years younger than him, and in less than 2 months, he was married and had adopted her daughter. According to you, my mum could have gone berserk about his selfishness that I suddenly had to share my dad with a 4 year old I had never met before?

Well from the perspective of the child, it didn't upset me at all. We had her ups and downs as siblings do but I can say that I never ever resented her, my dad or SM for his decision to adopt her.

op, you are far too over-invested in this, to the point that if I were your partner I would be considering where I stood in terms of your commitment/emotions....

It is one thing to have a wobble when your ex announces that they're going to have another baby, even to have an opinion along the lines of "wtf were they thinking?" or "he's a shit father to his existing dc so I pity his additional offspring," it is quite another to think that they should be considering you or your children etc in this equation or that she somehow is lacking in morals because she got together with someone who at some point cheated on his wife, although from your op she wasn't the ow.

The fact is you are no longer together, and while I don't disagree that people should consider their existing children when having more in a new relationship (and posts elsewhere on the boards would echo this opinion) the fact is that when more children enter into the equation, the people responsible for those relationships are the parents of those children. That is, the father i.e. your ex in this case..

Fwiw I do think that if your ex's gf came on here and said that e.g. her sdc were hostile/not accepting of her or her baby and that she'd had this baby after just seven months of being with her dp the overriding opinion would be that she had jumped into having a baby far too quickly and that of course the children would take time to adjust. But again that is for them to own the responsibility for.

Ok, OP I sat on my hands earlier but your later posts have become increasingly unreasonable, so I'm going to type it and risk being accused of victim blaming.

You chose this man as your DCs father. you say he was abusive throughout the relationship, yet you had two planned DCs with him (after all, they can't have been unplanned, as how hard is it to read contraceptive instructions?). you married him and had DCs with him.

And now you expect him to have a personality transplant and suddenly put your DCs first, or worse, that his new g/f is somehow accountable for his shit behaviour?

It's not the new girlfriends fault that you had two children with a douche. Your ex is single and is not obligated to run his personal life by you for approval.

Did you consult your ex about your tentative plans to have another child, and ask for his approval?

It's not the new girlfriends fault, she got accidently pregnant and now wants her child, her decision and right. If you are upset about your children you need to blame their father not his girlfriend who has nothing to do with it.

You are ranting about her, but you had two kids by him and got married to him. Pot call the kettle black there. I think she is probably not aware of the sort of man he is just like you weren't.

ok, thanks for all the support, over and out.