Ex is having a baby

[CandyCrush77]

Just found out that my ex DH is having a baby with his girlfriend who he has known for less than a year. My ex and I got split up in 2011 after he had an affair and left us after behaving horribly. He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and completely selfish throughout the break-up. I have two DSs, 7 and 5, who live with me full time and see him at weekends but only very occasionally stay over with him. He was never an involved father so they never want to stay over and I never push it. I met someone shortly after we split up and we have now been together 4 years, married for 1. For some reason I am totally shocked by the news that my ex is having a baby. mainly because he is not a great dad to his two existing children and I fear that they will get even less of his time and attention plus there could well be financial consequences (can he pay less maintenance if he has a 3rd baby?) He is also not a "natural" dad and when we had kids he just couldn't cope with the mess/boredom/lack of free time having kids meant, so I wonder how long it will last with this woman, especially given that he is a total narcissist. Also, what is this woman thinking? She has known him less than a year and knows he has two young children. Apparently the pregnancy wasn't planned and he isn't happy about it. Just seem really irresponsible on both their parts. He does next to nothing for the kids he does have so seems so odd to have another. In addition, DH and I have been thinking for a long time that we would like to have a child but kept putting it off, wanting it to be right for all the existing children (DH also has 2 kids, aged 12 and 10). I now feel I can't have a baby as it would be too much for my DSs to cope with as they would have two half siblings in one year! Also, what does this mean for them? Do they have to have a relationship with this child? They barely know this woman as she has been around for such a short time. She moved him with him a month ago apparently. I worry so much that they boys will feel rejected by their father as she has moved into his house and it will now become their child's home. It's a 5 bed house and my ex hasn't even bothered to give them a bedroom. I also have no idea what my ex is going to tell them about the new baby. They don't know yet and I only found out through a mutual friend so no idea if/when he is planning on telling me. He thrives on NOT telling me things so I expect it will be when she is about 9 months pregnant. What do I tell my children and how do I make it easier for them? I feel so much pain that this horrible person can somehow keep wrecking our lives and hurting my children.

I feel so much better now knowing that my ex will be a much better father the second time around, possibly because he loves this new person more. Really helpful to know that

It's shit, isn't it? But that's life.

And you know what? The more time and energy you spend thinking about what a shit hand life has dealt your DCs because of the man you chose to father them (let's not forget, you planned your DCs with him only to find out later what poor judgement you had), the less time and energy you will have to invest in your DCs.

Wail and froth to your RL friends all you like - but be aware you are robbing your DCs of all that emotional energy you're investing in your ex

If I am beyond bitter then at least I have a reason. Look at the venom and anger in the responses to my post? Is that a reasonable and proportionate reaction to someone saying that are worried/upset about something and asking for advice? Even if it was partly motivated by feeling for my ex, why does that lead to vilification? Am I not allowed to feel hurt by something that happened 4 years ago? Maybe somethings
you don't just "get over" especially if, as in my case, there was no proper ending, no explanation, just nothing. I can say quite confidentally that I do not have any romantic feelings towards towards my ex and that I am completely in love with DH but that does not mean it's all water under the bridge with DH. There are many many ongoing issues, from contnuing verbal abuse to me, to constant criticisms of DS1. He is not a normal person but has serious personality disorders, as acknowledged by his own mother. So I don't buy this whole, you are bitter, you have no right to be, move on and with them well. That is never going to happen.

Pretty, I hope when you have a problem or upset, someone gives you the same advice: "it's shit, isn't it, but that's life." I have actually have been doing a LOT of moving on in the last few days and feel a lot better about the whole situation. The only time I am now spending on this is defending myself on this thread! And to suspect that I am hurting my DSs emotionally is both wrong and offensive. Everything I do in my life is for those children and it was through my huge efforts that they are ok emotionally and ZERO thanks to their twat of a father who first left when the youngest was 8 weeks old. And no, I don't want her to have an abortion. But I am allowed to hold the view that she has not considered my DSs and the impact on them at all. If evidence to the contrary presents itself then I will reassess. But I really don't view getting knocked-up as quickly as possible and moving in with a guy with two young kids as a great achievement.

But I am allowed to hold the view that she has not considered my DSs and the impact on them at all.

It's not the fact that you hold that view that people are disagreeing with, candy - it's the fact that you believe that she should consider your DCs. Not her job, not her problem.

Have you never had a situation in which the needs of your own DCs conflicted with the needs of your DHs DCs? What did you do? Did you consider your DSC at the expense of your own DCs?

I fell pregnant 5 months in to my relationship with DH and he has a child from a previous relationship. I'm not ashamed of that.

You still don't get it do you?

It's not your place to have a view on it, certainly not to the extent that you're showing on here. It is nothing to do with you - it really isn't - let it go FFS.

He might be a better father this time, he might not, there's nothing you can do about it either way. As pp have said, you spent years with this man, planned two children with him, you still split up, it didn't give you any permanence or guarantees of his behaviour and fidelity. Maybe he'll drop her like a cup of cold sick, but that's for her to find out.

But I really don't view getting knocked-up as quickly as possible and moving in with a guy with two young kids as a great achievement.

Great tone of phrase.

You have married someone with two DCs though aswell.

I know you are concerned and maybe rightly so, but the ins and out of how or why someone got pregnant is not your concern.

They may have been using contraception and it failed. It does happen

It could have happened to you and your DH. No method of contraception is 100% safe other than no sex at all and I'm guessing you haven't not abstained from DTD with your DH.

I genuinely think you should post this on the LP board of you want a thread full of people supporting you! I think you have had quite a few understanding civil posts but you seem fixated on the negative ones. I'm not quite sure what you expected coming onto a SP board ranting and slaging off your children's SM For getting pregnant knocked up when you don't have a clue what's going on. You've geard part of a story from a friend shit stirrer. if she and your ex do stay together and your attitude of hate doesn't change, you're going to damage your children and give yourself a battle you can't win

It's not the fact that you hold that view that people are disagreeing with, candy - it's the fact that you believe that she should consider your DCs. Not her job, not her problem.

Does that mean I don't have to consider my DSCs in any decisions I make that could impact them?

Or that I don't have to consider them at all? Because there are a load of other threads where I was told in no uncertain terms what I MUST do for my DSCs.

Does that mean I don't have to consider my DSCs in any decisions I make that could impact them?

Actually, IMO, yes it does mean exactly that, that is your DHs job., but I know that's not widely shared.

The fact that you choose to share your life with your DH means that you and he have to compromise - but he should be prioritising his DCs, and you prioritising yours, in any family discussions.

Your Ex is failing his DCs if he does not consider them.

Who says she's not considering your DC though? You've no clue whatever what she has or hadn't considered? People get pregnant by mistake all the time. Do you think she should have terminated the pregnancy for you DC? Perhaps she is gutted she has fallen pregnant? Perhaps she hadn't told your DC because she is agonising over the best way to tell them? Or you can carry on making shit up to suit your own agenda and give you more reason to hate this poor woman!

But the g/f has chosen to share her life with my ex which means he should be prioritising them and she should be comprising, according to your logic. And that is simply not what the vast majority of other threads in this section say! They basically say, if you are a SM you need to be taking their needs into account BEFORE your own.

MInniedriver, you say I am speculating but you persist in speculating on what the g/f is thinking/feeling. At least my speculation is based on first hand experience of her (cold, unfriendly, little to no attempts to get to know or befriend my children etc etc). Why does she get the benefit of the doubt? We must we assume she is a "poor woman"? Why am I not the poor woman in all of this? I'm the one who has been treated like shit, cheated on, lied to, and left to raise DSs pretty much singlehandedly, whilst working full time in a pretty stressful job, and taking on two DSCs and trying to be good to them. What has this woman done to make her 'poor" other than for me to be having the thoughts about her that I am having now, of which she is totally completely unaware? Really, how is she poor?

I'm not going to comment on the other stuff because that's not what your post is about. Sounds like you've had it pretty rough but that aside, you've posted about her not considering your DC in the whole pregnancy thing when you don't actually know what's happed or is happening? She might be the biggest bitch in the world, that's irrelevant in you pressuring she got knocked up Without sparing a thought to the consequeces? You don't know that, you can't know that.

And that is simply not what the vast majority of other threads in this section say! They basically say, if you are a SM you need to be taking their needs into account BEFORE your own.

You're right, there are a number of posters who believe that "first" DCs should be prioritised over subsequent DCs. However, it's not a philosophy that all, or even the majority, of stepmums practice.

Your ex is a prat. You know that. He's a poor father. But you can't expect his g/f to compensate your DCs for that. You chose him as a dad to your DCs, so you have to compensate for his failings as a parent to yourDCs with him. His g/f will have to do the same for her own DC if he fails as a parent again.

Jeez, you really do need to let go of the anger, it's hurting nobody but you. You split up years ago, you are remarried, stop letting him get to you as much as he obviously does.

I was also shit on, left to raise two children single handedly and the fact that I just got on with it and couldn't care less what my ex did bothered him a shitload more than it did me. Stop directing your anger at his girlfriend, if you should be angry with anybody it is him. He is the one who has the responsibility to your children, not her. But I will warn that showing that anger will let him know that he still has the power to get to you and he will play on it.

As has been said so many times, put it out of your mind and concentrate your energies elsewhere as getting so worked up about this situation won't change a single thing.

In case posters didn't properly read my comment about the OP being the one to tell her DC..I did notsay without discussing it first with their father, but I did say when the time is right, ie when the pregnancy is confirmed to the
OP, and when the adults are all agreed they should be told!
Anyway, the OP obviously doesn't agree with me, so I'll bow out!

Candy, if you had come on here and said 'My ex and his gf are having a baby. It's rather soon in their relationship and as my ex was/is not a very good father to the DC we have together I am a bit concerned for her, her coming baby, and for my own children. I really don't know how to deal with this' I guarantee you would have had much kinder responses.

Instead you've made insinuations about her and basically said she is not a good person because she's chosen to have this baby, that she should have considered your children above her own desire for a child and either not gotten pregnant or aborted if this was an 'accident'. You've implied that she's a gold-digger who got pregnant on purpose for a '5 bed house'. Do you really think remarks like that are likely to engender support?

And as far as the way she treats you and your children, I'm afraid I'd be a little standoffish, too. And it's also not her fault that your ex treated you like shit, is it? She wasn't the OW. Don't take it out on her.

Only he has a responsibility to your children. She really doesn't owe them anything except kindness after a few months.
All this making it her fault she got 'knocked up' is really not showing you in the best light I'm afraid. I'm guessing your ex knows how to use condoms? Or could read the instructions on the box if he needed to? Why hasn't he given that thought to your children and protected himself if he didn't want more. You seem bitter about the women, so much so that even your bastard ex has become one of her victims.

Hi all - we're going to move this over to Lone Parents at the OP's request.

Dank thuck for that!!

OP can get the pat on the back she needs now

You got some kind of issue you need to say about the lp board mascara. Cuz that post above was pretty fucking bitchy.

It's where the post should have gone. Hopefully someone here with a bit more understanding of the OPs position will be able to help her see sense. No one was disputing that she is hurt, but making up a story about the SM and slagging her off for getting up the duff without checking it was okay with her to SMs was probably not the wisest choice. It got a lot if backs up, including mine, understandably IMO.

I am not a lone parent though so it's still mystifying why I must categorise myself as one. Guess I missed the point that a lot of SM would identify with the g/f rather than the mother.

candy a lot of people who post on the various MN boards don't label themselves, either - but, lone parents are better placed to advise you in this case, because it is an issue relating to your ex, not your current DP. The "relationships" board may also have been relevant.

The stepboard tends to be used by people who face challenges associated with being a stepparent - and although you are a stepparent, the issue you are posting about is unrelated to your stepparent status.