Ex is having a baby

[CandyCrush77]

Just found out that my ex DH is having a baby with his girlfriend who he has known for less than a year. My ex and I got split up in 2011 after he had an affair and left us after behaving horribly. He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and completely selfish throughout the break-up. I have two DSs, 7 and 5, who live with me full time and see him at weekends but only very occasionally stay over with him. He was never an involved father so they never want to stay over and I never push it. I met someone shortly after we split up and we have now been together 4 years, married for 1. For some reason I am totally shocked by the news that my ex is having a baby. mainly because he is not a great dad to his two existing children and I fear that they will get even less of his time and attention plus there could well be financial consequences (can he pay less maintenance if he has a 3rd baby?) He is also not a "natural" dad and when we had kids he just couldn't cope with the mess/boredom/lack of free time having kids meant, so I wonder how long it will last with this woman, especially given that he is a total narcissist. Also, what is this woman thinking? She has known him less than a year and knows he has two young children. Apparently the pregnancy wasn't planned and he isn't happy about it. Just seem really irresponsible on both their parts. He does next to nothing for the kids he does have so seems so odd to have another. In addition, DH and I have been thinking for a long time that we would like to have a child but kept putting it off, wanting it to be right for all the existing children (DH also has 2 kids, aged 12 and 10). I now feel I can't have a baby as it would be too much for my DSs to cope with as they would have two half siblings in one year! Also, what does this mean for them? Do they have to have a relationship with this child? They barely know this woman as she has been around for such a short time. She moved him with him a month ago apparently. I worry so much that they boys will feel rejected by their father as she has moved into his house and it will now become their child's home. It's a 5 bed house and my ex hasn't even bothered to give them a bedroom. I also have no idea what my ex is going to tell them about the new baby. They don't know yet and I only found out through a mutual friend so no idea if/when he is planning on telling me. He thrives on NOT telling me things so I expect it will be when she is about 9 months pregnant. What do I tell my children and how do I make it easier for them? I feel so much pain that this horrible person can somehow keep wrecking our lives and hurting my children.

I can only imagine that the people in your RL pander to your dramatics for an easy life.

First of all, all these people offered a view before I had said anything about it. The view was unanimously in line with my view WITHOUT me communicating my feelings about it. It is possible that people don't share YOUR view that this is all brilliant news for all concerned. They perhaps, like me, were seeing the massive trauma and upheaval of the last few years and thinking it wasn't the best idea to steam ahead with this so soon when he needs to be putting 100% into the children he does have.

Second of all, I work full time and have full responsibility for my DCs, pay for most things and and basically do everything that both mum and dad should do. My job is pretty stressful and despite being well paid I have huge outgoings (mortgage, childcare) so things are a stretch financially. I don't have a supportive ex partner who is there for the kids to help with homework, to look out for them, to cheek they are eating properly, to support them emotionally etc. It all falls to me. He sees them once a week much like a friendly uncle. I get up at 6.30 most days and go to bed at 12.30/1am. I feel exhausted all the time and have very little or no time to myself. How exactly is my life "easy"? I am grateful for the life I do have but compared to many families who have a mum and a dad who share these responsibilities or where one parent doesn't work or works less, I think I have a much less easy time. Much less.

I thought you had a new partner? Weren't you talking about being about to try for a new baby with him?

I'd think twice about having a new baby yourself if that's how things are at the moment - doesn't sound as if you're getting the support from your DH that you need if you have full responsibility for the DC and also for paying for everything.

Also - you'd get more out of this thread if you ignored posters who are criticising you, and responded instead to posters who are trying to help.

Thanks purple daisies, that's really helpful. I think DSs will probably have a similar type of relationship. Interesting about parties and agree that its more likely DSs will go to the child's rather than vice versa. I think an earlier poster (might have been you?) suggested that ideally DCs would be become part of my ex's family unit (with the g/f and new baby), the way that DH and I have a strong family unit with us and our 4 kids. Should this be the aim or is it better that they feel the main "family unit" is with us and that they are visiting dad and their sibling? Is it not difficult for them to feel that they have two different families? Maybe the second family will evolve over time. I don't think there is much of sense of it at the moment (too soon) and don't want to push the boys any further into that situation.

Yes, I do have a DH but he has 2 kids and works full time so he is fully occupied looking after them. They do to different schools so he picks up from different places/takes them to different activities so from a practical perspective can't help that much but does help a lot in an emotional sense and is very very good with DSs, like a father to them really. He only moved 6 months ago, and is still selling his flat, after which he will start paying towards mine at which point things should get a lot easier financially. In terms of another baby, one of the upsides would be that I would be at home more and be able to see more of DS/help with h/w etc, rather than rushing around like an idiot.

But why is it just the baby's mum's "fault" that she's pregnant? You seem so obsessed with how she has done wrong by you and your children. If you don't want your ex to have a baby right now then it's him yo need to aim your disapproval at, not her!
And if he feels the same way as you in that he doesn't want the baby to exist, then maybe like I said he might do one and neglect the poor thing. Then you can both pretend the baby doesn't exist.

Should this be the aim or is it better that they feel the main "family unit" is with us and that they are visiting dad and their sibling?

There's a lot of evidence that suggests that it is best for the DCs if they can be a part of two strong family units, but that's not to say that DCs who don't have that can't thrive - and of course, in some cases, circumstance or parental choice prevents it.

I would suggest you look into the benefits of such an arrangement for your DCs and discuss them with their Dad - if both of you are committed to it, most of the practical and emotional hurdles can be overcome.

I don't think you need to worry too much about whether they have one family or two - you're right it will evolve over time. And you only really have control over your family. The best you can do is to allow your DC to feel that it's OK for them to enjoy being part of their dad's family (if they do) and make sure if your ex does get his act together that they can spend a reasonable amount of time with him. Beyond that is up to him really.

I think my DC do feel they are part of their dad's family - with his DW and their little half brother. That's definitely a family I don't belong to though, so they have quite a separate life with him. They see their home with me (and DH and his Dc) as their main home, but would say "are we at dad's or at yours this weekend?" or whatever, rather than "are we visiting dad this weekend" - if that makes sense.

I know what you mean that being a blended family is more complicated than being two parents with joint children - different schools, routines, etc, and simply more children than you'd have planned. But it is easier than being on your own, I think overall, and hopefully a bit easier for your boys if their dad does go on being a bit crap, that they'll have your DP in their lives as well.

The CAFCASS Handbook might be a good place to start - hopefully it can lay some of your concerns to rest and give you a starting point for moving forward;

www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2843/separated_parents_information_programme.pdf

Mascara, I have made it clear that I also think he has acted very irresponsibly, more so than her, but I disagree that she is blameless. I don't think she is a terrible person and she is entitled to do what she wants but I think she has acted selfishly and irresponsibly, AS HAS HE. He has more of a responsibility, of course, but where we disagree is that you think she has no duty or responsibility to my kids, whereas i am saying that if you walk into a situation where someone has two kids then you do have a responsibility, especially if you love that person and see a future with them. My DCs would not have reacted well if DH and I had had a baby so early on and if we had I would have fully expected and understood if his wife had not been happy about it. Of course she couldn't have done anything about it but it does not mean she's happy about it and the impact on her kids. He is still their dad and it would have had a huge impact on their lives. Massive.

Remind me why I'm bothering?

It just annoys me how he would say that about his unborn child. That if he had the choice he wouldn't have the baby- that's basically what he said. Did he think the same when you had your 2nd child? I think not.
Maybe I am just projecting here a bit. I'm with a man who had a child before he met me and we now have children together. And it would break my heart if he said those things to his ex of all people when we were having our first child. And I fell pregnant 5 months in to our relationship by the way.

thanks Pretty, that looks helpful, I will read.