Ex is having a baby

[CandyCrush77]

Just found out that my ex DH is having a baby with his girlfriend who he has known for less than a year. My ex and I got split up in 2011 after he had an affair and left us after behaving horribly. He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and completely selfish throughout the break-up. I have two DSs, 7 and 5, who live with me full time and see him at weekends but only very occasionally stay over with him. He was never an involved father so they never want to stay over and I never push it. I met someone shortly after we split up and we have now been together 4 years, married for 1. For some reason I am totally shocked by the news that my ex is having a baby. mainly because he is not a great dad to his two existing children and I fear that they will get even less of his time and attention plus there could well be financial consequences (can he pay less maintenance if he has a 3rd baby?) He is also not a "natural" dad and when we had kids he just couldn't cope with the mess/boredom/lack of free time having kids meant, so I wonder how long it will last with this woman, especially given that he is a total narcissist. Also, what is this woman thinking? She has known him less than a year and knows he has two young children. Apparently the pregnancy wasn't planned and he isn't happy about it. Just seem really irresponsible on both their parts. He does next to nothing for the kids he does have so seems so odd to have another. In addition, DH and I have been thinking for a long time that we would like to have a child but kept putting it off, wanting it to be right for all the existing children (DH also has 2 kids, aged 12 and 10). I now feel I can't have a baby as it would be too much for my DSs to cope with as they would have two half siblings in one year! Also, what does this mean for them? Do they have to have a relationship with this child? They barely know this woman as she has been around for such a short time. She moved him with him a month ago apparently. I worry so much that they boys will feel rejected by their father as she has moved into his house and it will now become their child's home. It's a 5 bed house and my ex hasn't even bothered to give them a bedroom. I also have no idea what my ex is going to tell them about the new baby. They don't know yet and I only found out through a mutual friend so no idea if/when he is planning on telling me. He thrives on NOT telling me things so I expect it will be when she is about 9 months pregnant. What do I tell my children and how do I make it easier for them? I feel so much pain that this horrible person can somehow keep wrecking our lives and hurting my children.

Ok, this thread is really not helping. I will take my bitter, jealous and entitled self off to talk to friends in RL ALL of whom understand why I am feeling the way I do. Mistake to post here.

The problem here is that you are making a whole load of assumptions about a woman that you don't know at all.
You are criticising her for getting pregnant too early in the relationship, attributing emotions to her, suggesting that she is pleased with herself. How do you know all of these things? For all you know she could be worried sick and wondering how she will cope.

I fell pregnant quite early in my relationship with DH. We already both had children, and I had been told I was infertile after various medical issues. Somehow I fell pregnant, and despite it turning our world upside down, it was wonderful for all of us!
I wonder what my ex/DH's ex may have initially assumed about the whole situation? I don't really concern myself about it, and they never created issues for us.

None of our children are damaged, and nobody has had to consult anybody else about pregnancy plans. If you fell pregnant now, that would be fine too. It's not a race, and all babies are different.
Babies are lovely, and children love their younger siblings, despite reservations that they may have prior to their arrival. One of mine was very worried, but they adore one another now.

Your job, as their mother, is to provide reassurance that their Dad/you will still love them when the new baby comes along.
You can hate him all you like, but you mustn't try and indoctrinate your children, whatever your feelings and justifications may be.
Kids figure things out for themselves in the long run. You have to stay neutral with them, and love and support them unconditionally.

You never know, you may one day find yourself having fond feelings for this baby, once it has bonded with your children.
Stranger things have happened!

Have to say Candy, I'm certainly not vilifying you...quite the opposite!
I'm very sure you're right about the unsuitability of your ex to father any more children, and I very much empathise with your concerns about how it will affect your DC, because there's no doubt it will!
But, you can be proactive in dealing with this...ask him straight out, are they having/and keeping a baby which will be a half sibling to your DC's, will he be arranging contact? If so, tell him you're not happy with the way he's dealing with how it may affect the children, and when the time is right you'll be telling them yourself, because you feel it'll be better for them coming from you...and that's you're only concern!
Then actually make it your only concern, whether they've been caring or sensible enough is their problem....you dont need to make it yours! And if you and your new man want a child together, then it's solely your business, and as you sound like a sensible, caring and responsible enough mother to deal sensitively with telling your DC, there shouldn't be a problem!

to talk to friends in RL ALL of whom understand why I am feeling the way I do

I think people here do understand why you are feeling the way you do, but what we're saying is that it's your reaction that is unreasonable.

Don't mistake sympathy for agreement; the idea you want to control choices other people make is outrageous. It's not your news to tell. A decent friend would be helping you see that.

when the time is right you'll be telling them yourself, because you feel it'll be better for them coming from you...

Just no. The OP is so over involved she could never be the best person to tell them. There's no way from reading the above I believe she could convincingly present this news as something positive. And once again, it isn't her place!

^^ this with bells on! Definitely not the OP's place to tell the children, and not a chance will she be able to hide her contempt from them. The poor things will be made to feel guilty if they are happy about a sibling if they can see their mum is so upset

Well Maybe if you're happy for the OP to let herself get eaten up by this then fine. But by justifying her, quite frankly, bizarre overreaction to this life event (which happens to many people btw) you're just adding fuel to the fire. Many of us here are trying to talk her down and concentrate on what she can actually do about the situation. Festering and fuming won't help her or her children.

In the same fashion I wouldn't go onto the lone parent board and start ranting about the treacherous bitch that is my SC mother? Why would I? It's pointless because no matter what I would say the general mood would be to stand up for the mother. The reason for that us SM don't tend to go in there hunting out posts to hijack, seems this board is fair game though

This post has nothing at all to do with her being a SM she came here and suggested a woman, she has never met, should have considered HER feelings before getting pregnant ? Fair enough, come to a SP board and suggest that if you're looking for honest responses, which she got. She didn't like it so scurried off to go and bitch to her 'RL' friends about a woman she doesn't know and a situation she knows nothing about. Absolutely, sounds rational!

Who are any of us to say why they haven't told the children? There could be a million reasons for that, she doesn't even know how far on the SM is it'd just weird and bordering on the obsessively creepy IMO.

yay I'm pregnant, it's all ive ever wanted in life. Oh, but shit, I never thought that this might upset DPs ex? Now I don't know what to do said no SM ever!

The OP is the mother of these existing DC, she obviously cares deeply about their well being! The father sounds like a useless, self interested waste of space...and yes we only have her word for that, but why would she make it up?!
I stand by my suggestion that she should be the one to tell her DC if they are about to have a half sibling, because their DF has proven he is not capable of putting his DC's feelings and needs first!
However, I agree with most posters that she has over involved herself in this situation and should now back off....what her ex and any other woman in his life do is not her business, all she should concern herself with is her own DC!

yay I'm pregnant, it's all ive ever wanted in life. Oh, but shit, I never thought that this might upset DPs ex? Now I don't know what to do. said no SM ever!

What if the mum of her stepchildren said says she doesn't want them to have any children after running it by her before TTC? What then? Should they obey the mighty one?

....and yes I do think she would break the news in the best possible light to her DC, because even though she has allowed herself to become too involved in this situation, she obviously does care very much about how it will affect them! I can't imagine she would stoop so low as to let her own emotions (misguided as they may be) poison her DC's minds, because that would make them confused and unhappy...and she surely loves them too much to let that happen!

DPs ex took a new job a few years ago. It meant childcare arrangements completely changed. She just expected DP to fit into her new arrangements, pay more towards extra chikdcare, be available when he wasn't to pick up and drop kids off etc. she didn't consult him or even factor him into her new plans, she didn't care. Was she right to do that? It affected the kids who were pushed from 1 friend to the next because DZp couldn't just leave work to pick them up when it suited her!! Perhaps o should start a thread on LP board ranting about how he should have been consulted before she took this job? then gone all psycho ranty when told she has every right to do as she pleases without consulting her exH, which she does!! Doesn't make it right but I wouldn't expect much sympathy or unbiased advice from people in her situation so I wouldnt bother! Why would you

M1nnie, people would be telling you that it's her right to live her life the way she wants to without having to consult her ex. You'd get no sympathy over there would you. This is no different!

She has ABSOLUTELY no right to tell those children anything without speaking to the SM first !! She heard the story from someone else, she had no idea what the actual situation is? Why would you tell children something that is going to affect them without having all the facts to hand?! She doesn't know anything about the situation! Him being a total douche has nothing to do with that!

Exactly mascarra and to be honest they'd be right. She doesn't have to tell him anything. Doesn't make it right but I wouldn't be rude enough to expect LPs to understand it from my point of view? even if they absolutely should and clearly I was right to be pissed off

The suggestion that the OP tells her DCs that their dads G/f is pregnant is insensitive.

As people have said, there are many reasons why they may not have shared the new widely - there may be serious complications with the pregnancy, she may be planning to leave her DP, or she may be considering a termination. The fact that a friend has blabbed to the OP is awful - noone deserves friends like that - but why on earth would any mother share "gossip" that has had such a significant affect on her with her DCs, without knowing the facts.

Can you imagine being worried about your pregnancy, or thinking about ending your relationship and going it alone, suddenly faced with your b/f kids saying "mummy says you have a baby in your tummy". Poor woman.

m1nnie, my DH's ex has recently compressed her hours, meaning that she can't pick DSS up from school. Now she didn't ask DH if her new hours are ok, which is fair enough. But once she changed her hours she actually asked me if I could now pick DSS up from school on her days as well as DH's days. Which would mean 5 days a week.
Her choices are her choices. It's her life and if she wants to compress her hours so she has every Friday off then I don't blame her. Good on her. But by doing that she created a problem for herself and expected someone else (ie me) to sort it out for her.
When we had a baby we didn't expect her to babysit for us, so when she compressed her hours she shouldn't have done so expecting me to pick DSS up for her. I got no choice in her new hours, she got no choice in us having a baby. Fairs fair I would say.

Sorry, I meant to say 5 days every other week. 4 days the other week.

i didn't ask her to babysit. I think you should, it's all about give and take after all

If she wanted you to pick the child uo, she should definately have asked before she did it!! But it's all about the kids remember, it's about what's bedt for them. You planning your life, 5 days a week, around her job is what you signed up for when you got with s man with children how could you be so selfish mascara

I'm feeling quite passive aggressive today

If he didn't want more kids he should have protected himself. Why Is the onus on the woman and the ex is the hapless victim that's been trapped by the new gf?
Waiting doesn't garantee a relationship will last, you should know that op having waiting 7years to try for your first, you still got divorced. If anything waiting with an idiot it sounds like your ex is you would have more evidence that it probably wouldn't last.

And no it really is none of your business the why's and wherefores of their pregnancy is for them to work out, accident or entrapment, too soon or not. None of your business.

This is actually getting funny. It was a typo above which I then clarified but which everyone is gleefully ignoring. I'll repeat it again but expect it will be ignored. I have no intention of telling my children. That is for him to do. When they tell me I will support them. Let the witch hunt continue!!! Enjoy it all, you lovely lunch of people.