Ex is having a baby

[CandyCrush77]

Just found out that my ex DH is having a baby with his girlfriend who he has known for less than a year. My ex and I got split up in 2011 after he had an affair and left us after behaving horribly. He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and completely selfish throughout the break-up. I have two DSs, 7 and 5, who live with me full time and see him at weekends but only very occasionally stay over with him. He was never an involved father so they never want to stay over and I never push it. I met someone shortly after we split up and we have now been together 4 years, married for 1. For some reason I am totally shocked by the news that my ex is having a baby. mainly because he is not a great dad to his two existing children and I fear that they will get even less of his time and attention plus there could well be financial consequences (can he pay less maintenance if he has a 3rd baby?) He is also not a "natural" dad and when we had kids he just couldn't cope with the mess/boredom/lack of free time having kids meant, so I wonder how long it will last with this woman, especially given that he is a total narcissist. Also, what is this woman thinking? She has known him less than a year and knows he has two young children. Apparently the pregnancy wasn't planned and he isn't happy about it. Just seem really irresponsible on both their parts. He does next to nothing for the kids he does have so seems so odd to have another. In addition, DH and I have been thinking for a long time that we would like to have a child but kept putting it off, wanting it to be right for all the existing children (DH also has 2 kids, aged 12 and 10). I now feel I can't have a baby as it would be too much for my DSs to cope with as they would have two half siblings in one year! Also, what does this mean for them? Do they have to have a relationship with this child? They barely know this woman as she has been around for such a short time. She moved him with him a month ago apparently. I worry so much that they boys will feel rejected by their father as she has moved into his house and it will now become their child's home. It's a 5 bed house and my ex hasn't even bothered to give them a bedroom. I also have no idea what my ex is going to tell them about the new baby. They don't know yet and I only found out through a mutual friend so no idea if/when he is planning on telling me. He thrives on NOT telling me things so I expect it will be when she is about 9 months pregnant. What do I tell my children and how do I make it easier for them? I feel so much pain that this horrible person can somehow keep wrecking our lives and hurting my children.

Ok, so my ex has not told me so I am NOT ranting at either of them. There has been no communication with them on this at all as they have not told me or the DCs. I am posting here so try to get to grips with this situation and to understand the conflicting emotions I am having. I am happy to be told that my feelings are wrong or unreasonable but please do stop twisting what I am saying. There is no ranting/dictating to my ex and his g/f/telling them how to lead their lives. They ARE leading their lives and doing exactly what they want. They are currently two single people doing as they please so let's not feel too sorry for them.

Coffeeisnectar, no DH did not reduce his maintenance for his DCs/change his pattern of looking after them in any way AT ALl when meeting me and yes, he did discuss with his ex each stage of our relationship, which was taken slowly and carefully as we are both divorced and there are 4 children involved. Each stage was thought out and considered. Getting together and marrying is, I have to say, A LOT less impactful on the kids than having a baby. We only moved in together earlier this year after 3.5 years together to make sure it was right for all the kids, we discussed it with each of them and did it slowly to make sure they were all happy. And yes, my ex has throughout the last 4 years given me a huge amount of shit about my DH and his kids being around and I have had to defend myself, saying we are taking it slowly, boys are fine etc. I could understand his concerns as I would have felt the same. He also criticised me for moving on too quickly, replacing him etc etc. He has not "beaten" me to having a baby FFS! If I wanted to have a baby I would have been TTC at some point in the last 4 years! For me/us, it's an important decision and it needs to be right for everyone. I am not going to have one to compete with my ex or because I am in a race! Why does noone question this woman's motives for getting pregnant so soon? I have posted previously about whether or not to have another baby with DH and some posters accused me of trying to cut out or replace his children by getting pregnant and that we should be happy with the kids we had got! There was no mention of me "exercising my right to have a baby." I don't and have never felt the need to have a baby to secure a relationship.

Scatterthenuns, your post is helpful in parts. I think maybe I do need counselling to get to grips with this. I think a lot of it is caught up in how our relationship ended. It's difficult to understand how he was such a shit, having an affair, refusing to even think about trying to work things then leaving, when DSs were 3 and 1, and then being deliberately cruel and not showing the slightest bit of regret or remorse about what he had done. It's difficult not to feel completely worthless when he threw us all away, literally without a second thought, but can now want and value another family when he doesn't value us. And yes, it does feel unfair that DH and I basically spend every minute invested in raising our family (whilst my ex has done f-all) and have waited for the time to be right before TTC, whilst DH and g/f have just gone ahead without doing any of the groundwork. It's easy to pop out a baby, less easy to raise them, to work full time and be the breadwinner, to be the mum and dad, to take them to school and put them to bed each day, to do their homework, reading, to love, cherish them and make sure they are ok. DH has done NONE of that for his existing kids, never wanted to/couldn't be bothered, so yes, I do think it's selfish, crap behaviour to be having more children when you don't look after the ones you have. I don't begrudge him being happy, in fact when he was single I was hoping he would meet someone as he was constantly trying to worm his way back into my life and trying to make me feel guilty about being with DH, but I think the way they have gone about this is very very selfish.

How should I know why my DSs haven't noticed? I didn't show much at 6 months with my first baby.

I am posting here because I AM thinking about my children and want to overcome the issues I have so that I can be strong and help them! What I say on here and what I say to my children are two different things. I will of course do what is in the best interests of my children.

Why does noone question this woman's motives for getting pregnant so soon?

Because they don't need to be questioned. You will never know the answer to this. What's done it done. Your concerns need to be how you handle this, not condemning anybody for making a choice that you wouldn't have made.

And the message of this thread is that i clearly think too much about things and having another baby and should have jumped right in! And there DH and I were, trying to do the right thing.

Can't argue with your last post Candy. If you are certain you want a baby, there is no time like the present.

Seriously scatterthenuns?? What about DSs? Would it not be very difficult for them to deal with 2 new siblings in one year? And surely my ex would think I was trying to compete with him, not that I care. Typical as we literally decided on Sunday that we should start trying this month or next, just before I heard about my ex. Sod's law I guess. Our fault for delaying.

As many posters have said up thread, 2 kids in one year won't be bad for them providing the adults in their life show excitement about both babies.

Okay, what do you think the woman's motives were for getting pregnant? I doubt very much she thought "well my boyfriend is a dick who walked out on his wife and isn't interested in his kids, he seems the perfect guy to father my child. Oh, and if it pisses off his ex and ruins her and her kid's life then all the better".

She is a woman who has fallen pregnant. I'm assuming she likes your ex or else why would she have slept with him in the first place. You have no idea what crap he has been spouting to make himself sound like a good guy, for all you know he could have told her you are keeping the kids from him.

It could also have been a genuine contraception failure. I have four children, I am in my 30s and my 4th child was conceived after my coil didn't do it's job. It happens, who is to say it didn't happen to your ex's partner?

Take a deep breath, tell your ex you're aware his partner is pregnant and ask when he will be telling your children as they need to know. Then put it out of your mind and only think about it when an issue crops up or else you will drive yourself insane fretting about something you have no control over.

I think your DSs will cope fine with two siblings in a year if that's what happens. One in each house - no more in total than children who get a full time sibling. And certainly less than those whose parents go on to have twins. I think it'll be fine, and if your ex doesn't yet know that you know, then he won't necessarily think you're copying him. And it's your life - if you and your DH want a baby, then have one. You can't control your ex's life, but you certainly don't need to let his actions control yours.

Oh, and for the record there are 9 months between my ex's son and my daughter. My elder kids weren't phased by it at all!

You still sound quite hysterical, I think you need professional help

I don't think she thought that but I think she is a woman in her late 30s who was very keen to have a baby regardless of her partner's set-up/existing committments. If what my friend says is true and my ex is not happy about it (he did say before that he didn't want to have kids) and that it was her choice to keep the baby, then it does seem a bit unfair that she made the decison without him when it will affect his DSs lives. It should be a joint decision.

I can't confront my ex about this as my friend told me in confidence and will get in trouble with her friend if i tell him I know. He would also relish in me asking and I wouldn't get a straight answer about anything so there really is no point. The best I can do is wait until DSs come home and tell them and have planned a suitably cheery response, depending on what they say and how they feel about it. Luckily the mutual friend was kind enough to tell me otherwise I am sure I would have found out from DSs.

I can assure you that I am not hysterical in RL. Hold down a professional job and looks very normal and poised on the outside. Isn't MN supposed to be somewhere you can go for advice without being accused of being mentally ill?

Counselling would really help you straighten some of your little niggles out, OP.

Why on earth do you still have such high expectations of your ex - and why are you holding his g/f to higher standards than you have yourself? You may have put a lot of thought into when to conceive your third DC, but you certainly didn't consider the impact of having two DCs with a man you describe as abusive from day 1.

You are setting yourself up to fail. Lower your expectations, assume your ex will continue to be an arse, and that he's pulled the wool over his g/f eyes, just as he did with you.

You'll be a lot better equipped to support your DCs as a result.

They both may have talked it through and he may have expressed his wish to not have any more children. Ultimately, it's her decision if she keeps the baby or not, all he can do is go along with it or not. That's all the power he has really.

I'm not the first to suggest you need more help with this than an online forum can provide - you actually acknowledged it earlier too

Her actions and thought processes are NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, stop wasting time and energy and headspace on what you think she has or should have done, it will change nothing

Actually, I did put a lot of thought into having kids with DS1 and we had been together for 7 years when we TTC. We had got married the year before and had an ok first year and starting trying on that basis. And no, I wouldn't set out to have a baby with someone I had just met.

I thought I'd mention that I got pregnant with my third child with DH when DSD's Mum was also pregnant. So DSD did get two siblings in a year.

DH and I having our third didn't much phase DSD, she already had two younger siblings in our house and another didn't make much odds I don't suppose. DSD's Mum getting pregnancy probably affected DSD more because she wasn't in a relationship at the time and DSD was previously an only child in her Mum's house. Saying that as far as I can tell, DSD has got through it all unscathed and wouldn't be without her two youngest siblings.

The best I can do is wait until DSs come home and tell them and have planned a suitably cheery response, depending on what they say and how they feel about it

I may have misread or maybe you meant to type 'me' instead of 'them', but please don't take it upon yourself to tell your children about the coming baby. It's really, really not your place, plus it would also be breaking your friend's confidence.

The bottom line is that you don't really know the exact ins and outs of this situation. You don't know your ex's feelings. And you certainly don't know the back story of the child's conception ('oops' vs intentional). I mean, I know it's extremely unlikely, but what if the gf was planning on putting the child up for adoption and that's why nothing has been said? The knowledge you have is, at best, third hand (a friend told a friend who told you). Chinese whispers at its very best.

You really need to let this go. Deal with the 'actualities' when they happen. I can understand you having tons of resentment against your ex, he sounds like a real charmer (not). But you are letting it colour your logic in this instance. I do think counseling would let you get this all out and deal with it.

I wish you the best, I really do. It's obvious that you dearly love your children and want only for them to have the best and be happy. For that, they need a happy mummy who is at peace with the past and is looking forward to a peaceful future.

Oh my god you're being so unreasonable!

She's in her late 30s so doesn't exactly have years to wait and see if the relationship stays the course like you did. If it feels right to her that's all she needs to know. And if it was unplanned then you're basically wishing she had a termination? Just because it makes you feel bad?! People live their lives in very different ways, it's unrealistic to expect everyone to have the same thought processes as you.

Also, sometimes men who were bad fathers first time around are much better the second time. Sometimes it's to do with maturity, sometimes it's because they're in a happier relationship. Sometimes a bit of both.

And if you tell your kids isn't there a chance they'll mention it to him? Won't he wonder how they found out?

So much good advice on here and you're ignoring it. Seriously just concentrate on your life and your dc and forget the rest. That is the the best way you can stick two fingers up at the ex.

Yes I meant to say that too. I don't think you should tell your children at all. That's for their father to do. His partner may have good reason not to want to 'go public' - we had some very late pregnancy losses so I didn't tell my own children, my DSD and certainly not her Mum until I felt confident doing so. Please don't take it upon yourself to tell them, it just isn't your place.

The issue is that you seem convinced that waiting to have a baby will mean that your children will be very happy with the situation whilst not waiting will destroy them. In the end, it will make no difference, they will have to share their lives with a siblings.

As a whole, taking time to do things is always beneficial, but it doesn't mean that rushing them is bound to be negative. You are making yourself sick drawing conclusions that might not happen at all. Do you realise that if you keep convincing that it will happen, it could very well your negative attitude that will indeed mean that your children are affected?

I meant to write " the best I can do is wait until DSs come home and tell ME . . .. Obviously I won't tell them, that is for him to do.

I think waiting does make a difference. What if the relationship doesn't last? You really don't know someone after 7 months. Not at all. Hard for the kids to go through another break-up and have a half sibling floating around somewhere. I don't think she, or he, has acted responsibly and I do think there is a duty to think of your partners' kids when planning your life. If you can't do that then don't be with someone with kids.

As for not taking the advice, I do plan to take the advice to stop focusing on this. I found out 2 days ago so naturally it takes a while to get your head around it.

From reading more of your posts op it seems your annoyed at how whirlwind this all is. Maybe this is the reason your children have not been told. Your ex and his dp are possibly trying to come to terms with it and decide how best to move forward so actually they may be thinking about the impact on the kids now. Hjndsight is wonderful. Accidents happen (this is just a pretty big accident)

You do come across bitter and jealous though and a wee bit entitled. Your family dynamics have changed and you need to accept your ex's way is not your way and he and his new partner can live how they wish. You have to try and not let them get to you.

Like other posters I think the best you can do is just be there for them when they do find out and if that means picking up the pieces then that's what you do. X