Ex is having a baby

[CandyCrush77]

Just found out that my ex DH is having a baby with his girlfriend who he has known for less than a year. My ex and I got split up in 2011 after he had an affair and left us after behaving horribly. He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and completely selfish throughout the break-up. I have two DSs, 7 and 5, who live with me full time and see him at weekends but only very occasionally stay over with him. He was never an involved father so they never want to stay over and I never push it. I met someone shortly after we split up and we have now been together 4 years, married for 1. For some reason I am totally shocked by the news that my ex is having a baby. mainly because he is not a great dad to his two existing children and I fear that they will get even less of his time and attention plus there could well be financial consequences (can he pay less maintenance if he has a 3rd baby?) He is also not a "natural" dad and when we had kids he just couldn't cope with the mess/boredom/lack of free time having kids meant, so I wonder how long it will last with this woman, especially given that he is a total narcissist. Also, what is this woman thinking? She has known him less than a year and knows he has two young children. Apparently the pregnancy wasn't planned and he isn't happy about it. Just seem really irresponsible on both their parts. He does next to nothing for the kids he does have so seems so odd to have another. In addition, DH and I have been thinking for a long time that we would like to have a child but kept putting it off, wanting it to be right for all the existing children (DH also has 2 kids, aged 12 and 10). I now feel I can't have a baby as it would be too much for my DSs to cope with as they would have two half siblings in one year! Also, what does this mean for them? Do they have to have a relationship with this child? They barely know this woman as she has been around for such a short time. She moved him with him a month ago apparently. I worry so much that they boys will feel rejected by their father as she has moved into his house and it will now become their child's home. It's a 5 bed house and my ex hasn't even bothered to give them a bedroom. I also have no idea what my ex is going to tell them about the new baby. They don't know yet and I only found out through a mutual friend so no idea if/when he is planning on telling me. He thrives on NOT telling me things so I expect it will be when she is about 9 months pregnant. What do I tell my children and how do I make it easier for them? I feel so much pain that this horrible person can somehow keep wrecking our lives and hurting my children.

Have posters misses the fact the op is also a step mother?

No

I don't see how here being a SM changes her rather unreasonable, borderline hysterical posts. Or how it would change the advice given

Maybe - no problem with the expectation that a parent considers their DCs, although the OP in this case may be a tad unrealistic.

But, the OP has said she expects her ex's g/f to not only consider her DCs, but actually consult with her about pregnancy plans. Way, way over the line.

The problem is that OP is expecting the ex's & the girlfriend's lives to revolve around what she (OP) believes is right. She expects them to put HER children first, without regards to what they want for their own lives. Of course the ex needs to consider his children, and for all we know he has and decided that another child will add to their lives. After all, we only have OP's opinion that the ex is unhappy about the coming child, we don't have his side of it.

OP seems not to realize that she has no right to dictate what the ex and his gf do. Even if this pregnancy was a 'trap' and the ex is furious about it, it still has nothing to do with her. It's for ex and GF to work out. Unfortunately, that may put OP in the position of 'damage control' as far as her children go, which is unfortunate. But it's still unreasonable to expect another woman to forgo having a child just because you think it's a 'bad idea'.

Oh my God!! I may have picked this up wrong but did the op honestly expect her ex's new partner to consult her about having a baby? It's non of ops business what her ex and his new partner do. If he's a shite dad then that'd up to his new gf to discover.

Honestly I would never even give my dps ex a second thought. Me and my dp want a baby - I most certainly will NOT be considering the impact on her. My dp and I will make sure his children are still cared for and provided for. It's sod all to do with his ex.

Sounds like your jealous op that he has moved on.

Oh my God. My dps ex will never be consulted if it is ok for me to have a baby with my dp. It's sod all to do with her.

Op you sound jealous that your ex has moved on.

Candy as I've already said....I really get where you're coming from! In your view, (and you're probably correct, we all know feckless men who are poor excuses for father's) your ex has acted totally irresponsibly, without thought for the DC he already has, for whom he appears to have little care or regard...and some would even say they're better off without him in their lives! It will impact massively on their lives one way or another, and of course you want to protect them from that as any caring mother would!
BUT....you don't have any rights to tell your ex how to live his life, that's not how it works! What you can do is take every measure available to you to make sure your DC are aware of what's going on, that they feel they can talk to you about it...basically let him get on with messing up another woman's life, but stand firmly between your DC and any subsequent fall out!

I know reading posters other posts us frowned upon but I wanted to see if the OP is generally quite irrational or if it's just about this. It seems the OP started taking folic acid in September in readinessfor TTC- I wonder if she consulted her ex and his DP about whether they were ok with this?

OP I really do have sympathy for your situation, but you really need to calm down and let it go. wdigin has some sound advice, please read it and try to take it on board

Er, I haven't started taking folic acid. DH and I delayed as we were waiting for the right time and thought giving it longer would be best for our existing 4 kids. I cannot make sure my DC are aware of what is going on if my ex has not told them or me about the pregnancy. I learnt last night that the g/f is 6 months pregnant. Obviously it hasn't occurred to either of them to tell my DSs yet. Nowhere have I said that I expect to be consulted about their pregnancy plans, just that I am upset as i thought/expected/hoped that they would have behaved more responsibly. it is not my "opinion" that my ex is not happy about it, that is what the friend told me. I have no way of knowing if it's true or not, or if any of the other information provided is true. I am totally shocked that I am being vilified as unreasonable in all of this! I think if ANY of your exes had kids then you would feel exactly the same way. You may want to not care and it may not be technically anything you can do about it but it does not stop the hurt and pain. Not at all. And yes, when I was thinking about TTC i did think that it would be difficult for both mine and DH's ex, not because they want to still be with us but it still affects you. And to those continuing to vilify me, please don't comment unless you have actually beem through this. It's all very well to say, I wouldn't care etc. I thought I wouldn't and was in fact glad had met someone but it still impacts you. This is still someone you loved once and had kids with, still the father of your kids, and if they treated you badly and left in a horrible way that invovled rejecting you and your kids when they were 1 and 3, then rushes ahead with a brand new family, then yes, it does affect you.

Also, where have I said that I plan to tell my ex how to live his life or plan to say anything to him about this? I was posting here for advice about what to say/do when he does tell me. I haven't said anything to him or his g/f at all!???

And where have I said that I expect the g/f to consult with me about her pregnancy plans?? Where? I said I expected them to consider my ex's existing children. And how am I dictating to them what they should do? They are doing what they want, clearly, am I am trying to deal with the consequences.

Well that's something to be grateful for

(That you haven't said anything)

please don't comment unless you have actually been through this

Sorry, it doesn't work like that, you don't get to choose who replies and what they say - just because the majority of pp don't agree with you

I think if ANY of your exes had kids then you would feel exactly the same way

No they wouldn't. None of my business.

Actually, I have several friends who have been in this situation, but genuinely none of them have reacted the way you are OP.

Your DC aren't babies, they are old enough to understand that their Dad has a new relationship and they they are getting a sibling, and with support and encouragement from you and your ex they will more than likely grow to love their sibling and have a great relationship with them.

If your ex doesn't work at blending his families then you have every right to be upset with him, but as the baby hasn't even been born yet I think you are massively jumping the gun and getting yourself stressed and upset about a hypothetical situation.

How would you feel if you current partner ls ex started ranting like this when you decide to start TTC again?

You are coming accross as quite hysterical imo.

Okay, you said don't comment unless we have been through it. I've been through it and I agree with everyone else that you're being a little hysterical about it.

I split up with my ex when my dc were 4 and 1. He was (still is really) a shit dad, he cancelled contact whenever he felt like it and all the other arsehole things that shit dad's do. He moved in with a new girlfriend around 3 years later just after meeting her and a year after that his new baby was born. The kids weren't allowed round for a month after the baby was born, they felt a little left out but I dealt withit by saying that new mums and babies sleep a lot so they were too tired for visitors. He continued to be a shite parent and now, 7 years down the line, he has split up with the baby's mum, moved in with another woman and her son and only my 14 year old Ds still sees him. My 11 year old dd has come to her own conclusion that he's a wanker and doesn't see him at all.

It's not a great situation and my initial thought when I found out his girlfriend was pregnant was "poor woman and poor baby, she obviously doesn't know what she's in for". I wasn't angry and wasn't throwing accusations at anybody as it was nothing to do with me. I just supported the kids through it and they have come out unscathed.

I do speak to the baby's (now a 7 year old) mum now and we facilitate contact between the siblings. She has told me that he used to tell all kinds of lies about me which she believed but now realised it was bollocks said to make me the villain of the situation. It's easy to be taken in by a smooth talking liar (which it sounds like your ex is). This is not your ex's girlfriend's fault, she had no obligation to think about you or your children before having a baby, whether she fell pregnant on purpose or not.

I have also since got married and had 2 more children. Would I fuck consider my ex and any other kids he had which were my kids siblings before making a decision to have more children. That is between me and my husband, nobody else!

I think you need to let it go. Ask your ex when he plans on telling the children and then don't show them how you feel. Make it sound exciting and day how lovely it will be to have a new brother or sister, that's as much as you can do for now as you don't know how anything else is going to pan out.

Great post by kim82.

I understand that you might feel hurt and worried on behalf of your kids, but they will cope.

I agree with other posters that it's really none of your business, however hard that is to hear. It sounds like you are/were thinking of having another baby - are you absolutely sure that's the best thing for your dc and your sdc? Is your family set up so robust that it can absorb another baby and all the financial and emotional stresses that they can bring? Is anyone's situation that perfect that they can judge others' decisions?

I think concentrating on continuing to give loving support to your dc, your sdc and your husband is the best thing you could do. They are all that matters. Don't waste anymore energy on things that are beyond your control - it's a recipe for unhappiness.

kim2 very good post. I do think you've been let down very badly by this man with your kids OP. Just be wary that you allow your kids the space to feel whatever they do, which may be confusion, upset, or even joy at the baby.

A close friend's ex husband had a baby, he was a really terrible Dad, totally feckless, no regular maintenance etc - and the kids are all grown up now. My friend's child still has a difficult time with her Dad - but she adores her half sibling which if anything helped her relationship with her Dad.

I think you're doing what I did to an ex CandyCrush.

You don't love him any more, but you do have very strong, conflicting feelings - happiness, sadness, regret, what ifs, anger. You haven't let go of any of those feelings, even after all this time.

You were pleased that you 'beat him' by getting into another serious relationship first. You were winning, with the marriage, and had expected to keep winning by delivering a child first too. You've convinced yourself that you are over him, but you're not. Yes, you don't love him, but there is much more than love to get over after a relationship breaks down. Its like living a traditionally successful life after him proves how much of a better person you are.

Now your 'be the most successful plan' has been thwarted, by him 'beating you' to having a kid, you're in flux. He now has an important life after you, just like you do, and you aren't handling that well.

Trust me, I've been here. You want nothing good/happy to ever come to your bastard ex, because you believe he doesn't deserve to be happy ever again. Because you are so angry at the way your life together has turned out, and the injustices you feel he has done to you.

When really, the healthy way to be is to have complete indifference to whatever he does.

I suggest counselling to help you get there. I really changed things for me.

Best of luck

So when you got with your dp did his maintenance reduce for his kids?

Did he consult his ex about marrying someone with two children which may affect time, money on his own dc?

Did either of you think about your four kids when getting together and did you ask your ex what he thought about two other children being inflicted on your two dc?

It's none of your business. You can't control this.

And how have your dc not noticed if she's already 6 months gone?

Tbf, when I was 6 months I just looked like I'd eaten a big plate of pasta! I'm not big, a size 12 but this time of year a baggy jumper/top can hide it....Not that I was trying to

OP - if it's sympathy you want, you might get a better response posting on the lone parents board. Plenty step-mothers have been though exactly what you're going though. But there's also others who've been in the position of your ex's DP - dealing with an unplanned pregnancy early on in a relationship, new step children and fearful of a hostile reaction from their DP's ex - they might be able to explain to you how your ex's DP might be feeling, but they might not be the best people to sympathise with your less rational anger about the whole situation.

OP, read Kim's and Scatters's posts. I think what they've said just about covers it. And, per your own 'request', they've both 'been there'.

You really need to let go of this irrational anger and think about your children. They will need you to be calm and positive about their new sibling. You don't want them to feel that they are hurting you or being disloyal to you by loving the new baby.